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1st Step--PiercedRose again
February 18, 2007
9:28 pm
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PiercedRose
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talked to him today, daily argument ensued, then eased over as it always does. tonight--called him, he's out w/friends again, drinking AGAIN. i had to ask, he said he wasn't with her. then proceeded to say: "i want u to stop trippin, if u jus stop trippin on me so hard we can make this work...u get right, and we can get this thing down this time"...ME get right(my jealousy). i said "YOU have to get right, ur still out partyin n bullshittin." n he's like "baby im just lonely, if u were here u'd be goin everywhere i go, with me".

so i wound up calling his mom tonight, telling her how i'd been reading up on codependency, how it's weighing me down b/c i feel like it's controlling EVERYthing i do. i told her i didn't even feel like i was trying to make it work b/c of LOVE anymore, it was more like an impulse that i couldn't control. it's driving me crazy. we had a long talk about it, she talked about her relationship w/his dad & it was EXACTLY like me & him.--& they were together for 20+yrs, so she had dealt with this her whole LIFE, and still talks to him. and it just got me thinking even harder, & i came in the living room w/my mom & sister when i hung up. my mom's been frustrated w/me all day b/c of my talking to him again, my sister is just plain pissed b/c she doesn't understand..

and i broke down. i cried & cried & cried (& i never cry b/c i hate it). it was (as usual) done on impulse, but i just did it while i had the strength to do it: i called & had my cell # changed. then i called his mom, & told her that i'd had it changed & that i would write him a letter & send it by her, that way i wouldn't have to talk to him, b/c i knew he'd try to talk me out of it. his little sister was eaves-dropping on the other phone & she said "yea its just as much YOU as it is HIM too" and hung up & then came in the room & told her mom to stop kissing my ass.--REALLY pissed me off b/c she's 16 & thinks she's 36, she's strung out & she ALWAYS takes up for him even when he's wrong, when she knows NOTHING about the situation. but that's petty & i'm trying not to let her bother me. i just know she'll go right back & call him now & tell him, & he'll get mad at his mom now.

but. i've done it, i've taken a real step.

please pray for me that i can keep the strength, i don't feel strong, i don't feel determined. i feel exhausted, i feel disgusted, i feel drained. i feel helpless, i feel like i'm totally out of control, & i don't trust myself with ANYthing anymore.

so again, prayers are needed.

thanks for ur support, again. i feel like i'm so far in that i can't see my way out, hopefully it will get better..just can't see it yet.

((i think this parentheses thing means hugs))

February 18, 2007
9:35 pm
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PiercedRose
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ps: just erased all the texts (ingoing/outgoing)--b/c i will torture myself w/them--, all his contact #'s--b/c i will surely look at them in temptation--, & his lil pic on the phone--b/c that will be torture as well.

...ouch. ew. pain. it burns.

February 19, 2007
12:23 pm
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PiercedRose
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he called 10x last night on my mom's line, the only thing i said was "don't call back, i'm not gonna talk, i'm sending a letter" & hung up.

yea, i'm proud of myself, evidently ppl are busy today & havent had time to comment, lol.

((hug thingy))

February 19, 2007
1:26 pm
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lettingo
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PiercedRose: You should be incredibly proud of yourself. This is very very hard but you are starting to see as you wrote " it was more like an impulse that i couldn't control". His mother is probably also a full fledge codependant. I strongly suggest you get as many books as you can on the subject. Women Who Love Too Much is excellent!!! I KNOW the pain you are experiencing. I promise the further away from him you get the clearer you see!!!

February 19, 2007
1:47 pm
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reachingout
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This is only the 1st step and as you put one foot in front of the other it will get easier I know it doesn't seem like it but it will
Best wishes
(((( ))))

February 20, 2007
1:17 am
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PiercedRose
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wow yall. memories are tryin to break me down tonight, after writing the "final letter". on the verge of tears here...

i hate this so much. 🙁

February 20, 2007
10:10 am
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lettingo
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PiercedRose,
What helped me get through this with my alcoholic/addict stbx was writing down EVERYTHING negative, event, thing, that had happened. I mean everything and just read and re-read it when you can only think of the good stuff. It was painful but it helped me to really SEE that I wasn't crazy.

February 20, 2007
10:00 pm
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PiercedRose
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i think i will write more about my situation with G, lettingo. i love to write, writing is what i'm good at. but i'm so used to "versing" everything i write, sometimes it's hard for me to just write out feelings/ramblings. i'm going to try though. i need to do something, b/c waking up everyday & having to remind myself what's going on is hell for me.

when it rains it pours yall. that job i mentioned? the good paying job that i was supposed to start monday pending a drug screen? yea i was supposed to take the drug screen tomorrow & received an email today telling me they filled the position already.

great. decent jobs are VERY hard to come by in this county & surrounding counties. i'll keep looking, but can't help feeling like "...well DAMN."

(( ))

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