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16yo daughter left home and she hates me
August 5, 2000
8:12 am
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lucinda
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my beautiful only daughter is 16 and has run away from home she says she hates me and she doesn't want me to talk to her ever again i love her and miss her so much i have tried over the past 6 weeks to talk to her but she says that it is my fault that she is so unhappy i cant seem to find out what i have done i have told her that i love her & i give her and do everything i can for her. how can this situation get any better how can i help her

August 5, 2000
9:44 am
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Anonymous
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Hi Lucinda. I am 14 and your daughter and I have a lot in common. I have never ran away from home, but I was really close to it one time. First of all, eventhough she says that it is all your fault, I doubt that it is. I know how she feels, and so do most of my other friends. As teenage girls, some how we all are really embarrised of our parents, especailly our moms. For some reason we end up "hating" our moms. I think that maybe it is because when we were little, when ever anything bad happened, we run to our moms, and you would always make everything better. But now that we are young adults, we feel "cowardly" if we run to you and sometimes when we do run to you, you usually can't really help, or you make it worse. This is not your fault! Maybe you should think about something that might have happened lately that finally pushed her over the edge. Are you getting divorced? Are you at work more that you used to be? Maybe she just is kinda crying for attention. I know how that is. There are a lot of things that teenagers do to get attention. Is she dating someone that you don't think is right for her? Is she pregnant? I would really like to help you more on this, I check this website atleast a few times a day, so keep writing and updating me, and try to answer some of those questions when you respond, and I will try to help you further.
Good luck!
Short 'n Sweet

August 5, 2000
10:22 am
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chick
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yes, i agree with SHORT'N SWEET she has got the right ideal. well i have a friend that has ran away because her mother had a boyfriend that was mean to her behind her mothers back. and she blaimed her mother could that be. or did someone die?or she got in a fight with someone?everyone blaims there mother you dont have to worry about her saying she hates you even if it hurts i hope you can tell me a little more.i hope you find her.

August 5, 2000
4:51 pm
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christina
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lucinda,
I can too relate with both short n' sweet and your daughter. I'm 15 years old and very mature for my age. This has caused a lot of problems. It's hard to relate to people my own age and a lot of times i just can't stand my life because it seems like nothing is going good for me. I've found myself avoiding people and spending a lot of time alone to myself. This really has helped me to get to know myself a little better as well as helped me to see some light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps all your daughter needs is some time to herself, some time to reflect on some of the major events that have taken place in her life. I know it sounds hard but you're going to have to just let her chose her own way, soon enough she'll realize what she wants and hopefully when she does, she'll let you know how you can help. I guess that's about the best advice i can give you. I hope things get better for you and your daughter. If you get a chance to talk to her, just let her know that you're there for her if she needs anything but you realize she needs some time to herself. That way you aren't pressuring her into anything but at the same time, she knows you care.
Love,
Christina

August 6, 2000
5:33 am
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lucinda
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thankyou short'n sweet & chick. christina you made me cry everything you said is true i know this and i send my love to you i wrote my daughter a special letter explaining that im just being a mum and that i love her and im here if she needs me any time i feel as if i have done my best now and im at peace also thankyou

August 6, 2000
11:48 am
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little one
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well i am 14 and i have the same problem,i say i hate my mom so much and sometimes i do mean it but i cry after i say it.so i guess you dont have to worry about her saying she hates you because she ether just saying it , or well regret it later.but you got to understand we have so many problems like boys, friends,school, looks,parents,peer presser and lots more so sometime we just say stuff that we dont mean. well i hope you have laerned something you did not knew about teens. well i hope she comes back.

August 6, 2000
2:42 pm
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christina
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lucinda,
I'm sorry if what i said upset you, but i just think you should see how it is. I know you miss your daughter and that's understandable but she's not a little girl anymore and she's gonna have to find things out on her own and make her own mistakes. In time she'll learn from them, but for now all you can do is just back off and let her live her life how she desires. well i better get going. My best wishes to you and your daughter.
Love,
Kristy

August 6, 2000
7:45 pm
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Beautiful
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I remember when I was 16 and I couldn't stand my parents. I thought my mother was my worst enemy. I wish I knew then what I know now. It is hard getting along with daughter or son. Some parents want to be their best friend. I didn't want my parents to be mine. Always in my business. I didn't want someone to run my life and tell me what to do.

Things have changed. I am older and wiser. Now my mother is one of my best friends. I know that my parents were only trying to look out for the best.

I can understand what your daughter is going through. I wanted to run away from my problems all the time. I hope soon she will realize that it is a crazy world and she needs you right now.

I hope for the best for you and your daugher.

Take care.

August 7, 2000
8:39 am
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lucinda
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christina i mean when i cried i felt much better i just needed to let it out thankyou you have been great. this is a great idea this web sit as i keep going back daily over every thing you all have to say bless you all i am 32 and you would think i would remember how i was at 16
thankyou

August 7, 2000
9:50 am
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Cici
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Hi. I was 19 when I ran away from home(had been living there while going to college) I was running from my parents, I suppose, because when I came home at 7am I would see so much pain in their eyes.

I argued a lot with my mom because of a lot of other, past issues that I kept in my heart. I remembered how she had hurt me nad it made me bitter. She reacted horribly and gave me ultimatums, so I left.

I didn't speak to her for almost a year. I still visited my father, who has a slow terminal illness, but I walked by her without blinking an eye or registering her existence.

What brought me back, at least to being friends with her, was when she stopped judgin me and my choices and started accepting me for who I was.

I suppose it's different, since yur daughter is so young. You did the right thing. Writing her a letter was a very good idea, but youhave to be very careful in these situations, because girls at that time are very skittish, like wild animals. They're trying to assert independence. Just be there for her. When she needs you adn realizes what she needs to realize, she'll be back.

August 9, 2000
12:13 pm
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sickntired
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Lucinda, my mother and I did not become friends until I was 16 years old and pregnant. Up until that time I felt that my mother was probably about 22 years old at the time of her birth. I felt that there was no way she could have ever been 16 because she could not, or just simply would not understand the pressures I was facing with school, peers and even some family members. Now that I am 30, I realize that she was only trying to "save" me from mistakes that she had made in her youth. And looking back, I know what could have made those things better. 1 Realize that your daughter is a real thinking, feeling person who has her own ideas about life. (Now we know that at 16, she has a lot to learn, but Mama should concentrate on making the learning experience easier) 2 Listen to everything she has to say, ALWAYS! (remember she is 16, not 46 her ideas will more than likely change 200 times before 21. 3 Discuss the issues of "teenagerism" openly (only reference your experiences as "this is what happened to me, in the same situation" not as "this is what is going to happen to you" 4 Always remember that children are like stew. You put the love, devotion, joy, morals, principals, sense of character, etc into the pot, but you never know how it's going to turn out. 5 Say I love you everyday, hugs, hugs, hugs, and at least 1000 kisses a day (they can be blown). Good luck to you and your daughter. I know she loves you too.

August 18, 2000
4:13 pm
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PUGGY
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MY FAMILY JUST WENT THROUHG SOMETHING VERY SIMILAR, MY 14 YEAR NIECE RAN AWAY LEAST THAN A MONTH AGO. MY SISTER WENT CRAZY SHE WAS GONE FOR ABOUT 4 DAYS. WHEN WE FINALLY FOUND HER SHE HAD BEEN WITH COMPLETE STRANGERS, AND SHE HAD NO FEAR. SHE WAS BLESSED THAT SHE MEET PEOPLE THAT WERE NICE TO HER. SHE COULD HAVE MEET PEOPLE THAT COULD HAVE TAKEN COMPLETE ADVANTAGE OF HER. SINCE SHE HAS BEEN HOME SHE HAS BEEN IN A CENTER FOR YOUNG TEENAGERS, SHE IN NOW HOME WITH HER FAMILY. WE DISCOVERED THAT WHEN SHE CAME HOME THAT SHE WAS HAVING A HARD TIME DEALING WITH THE FACT THAT SHE HAS STEP PARENTS. SHE NEVER DICUSSED THIS PROBLEMS WITH US. MY SISTER IS STILL HAVING A HARD TIME WITH HER AND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHE THINKS THAT MAYBE SHE SHOULD GO AND LIVE WITH HER DAD. I DON'T THINK THIS IS STABLE ENVIROMENT FOR HER RIGHT NOW. BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO? ANY ADVICE??

August 19, 2000
9:10 am
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lucinda
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time out is good in some teenages but the best is to sit and talk it out as you can ask her what she wants and you want then you can negotiate this will make her feel that she is being heard and that she is contributing towards this she will respect you a little hint is they will most certainly want to do the opposite to every thing you suggest then this is were you can play phscological warfair!! as it mostley gets worse than better first but in this case the mum is lucky that her daughter is still under 16 and has the right to her bringing up try to work this out with her but if its a real problem and their are other children this can make them really unhappy and this isnt what you want spend more time with her to make her feel special maybe the step parent can do something with her so she feels well he is trying so maybe ill give him one maybe a gift (some thing cool or is it sick that the new word i think that being used this month)
i have taking to alot of mums this week and alot of teenages are leaving home so early to young indeed but i think i have been lucky in some ways i got alicia to 16 and she can really look after her self when she is away she knows i am hear for her any time and that i love her i hope this works out for you im affade you are just going to support her and treat her as if she is responsable for her self as they definatly dont like to be treated as a child grow with her and flow with it as you would in a rip in the ocean if you fight it you will most likly drown (loose her)
good luck i will like to her from you again sometime luvv lucinda

August 21, 2000
3:47 am
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confused mom
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Dear lucinda,
Thank you for the advice you gave me. I didnt realize you also were going through a hard time with your daughter. It was so kind of you to respond to my problem. I can't offer any perfect advice as I am still learning myself. But one definite thing I have learned, is when I do see her or speak to her, I have learned to listen to what she is doing and not make a comment about it. Progress, huh!!!!

August 21, 2000
9:04 am
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blueeyes
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I am a mother too, I have a 6 year old son. It fills me with despair to think that my son might feel that way about me when he's a teenager. I know that girls' hormones are more powerful etc. in their teens, but still, how awful to feel the way you do Lucinda, when this 16 year old girl came from you and is part of you. It's a shame that we don't get a handbook when they're born isn't it. I love my son so much that it overwhelms me at times. It is so difficult because as much as our children want to be heard by us, we also just want them to know how much we love them. One thing I do know is, they are more aware as teenagers than we probably ever were! They have more stuff to deal with than we did, probably in a stronger way too.

I have recently done a course where Active Listening was a great deal of the course subject. It involves listening without any agenda of your own. Hearing without thinking at the same time. Giving your whole attention to the person talking. leaving silences to really think about what they've said. Letting them know by your reply that you've heard them. And sometimes, not giving advice as your reply, just listening. It's hard, to not have a reply ready for when they've finished. To not interrupt because you've thought of something that needs to be said urgently. But I'm certain that given enough time, even short boughts of conversation, with no recriminations, no judgements made, your daughter will feel heard by you. I think that being heard is one of the most healing things, as is the feeling of being touched. Even if its just one hand on another.
My heart goes out to you.
x

August 30, 2000
4:42 pm
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Shin
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Hello. I can see how you are feeling distressed. I am 16, almost 17 and I have had the same feelings. People around my age want to become indipendant fast adn want to be treated as an aduls. its hard with school, boys, friends, media and home life to be who they want to be. I know I am having way too many problems with my dad. Just keep up the hope that she will come home. I have a feelign that she will see that you are doing your best, just as she is, to get by in life. All you are trying to do is help her out. I wish the two of you the best of luck.
-Shin

August 30, 2000
5:02 pm
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christina
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lucina,
have you talked to your daughter lately? cause i was just wondering if she is wanting to come home at all. perhaps if you made an agreement with her not to ask her why she ran away and not to bring it up perhaps she'd be willing to come home. she might be wanting to come home but is afraid of how you'd react....just a thought

September 28, 2000
10:53 am
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lucinda
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hello yes i have spoke with her she hasnt came home and she hasnt said anything to me about the way she has behaved i feel very hurt as i thought we could speak to each other about any thing well she is happy so she says so that is all i can say write now love lucinda

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