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Please Help - I Don't Know What to do.
December 9, 2011
10:21 am
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jih20
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December 9, 2011
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Hi All

I'll try to express this the best way that I can. Hopefully, it will make sense to some of you.

I have been married to my wife for about 10 years we have a 9 year old son who has dyslexia and needs support with learning etc. As a result of this we have fairly close communication with the school. Recently the school has indicated concern about my son expressing concern over the relationship between my wife and I. He is afraid that we will split up and is worried about his mum. This is being used as a 'reason' for his apparent lack of engagement in the class.

Now my wife and I are not perfect - we fall out from time to time etc. However, I have a problem within a problem. My wife grew up in a family of 5 kids competing for attention from an alcoholic father and a mother who constantly sought attention herself. (I am actually fairly convinced that his alcoholism was triggered by this - the only way that he could escape - but that's a different issue). But the upshot (as far as I can figure out) is that my wife has adopted, wether by genetics, bevahiour or both, similar attention seeking behaviours to her mother.

The mother constantly complained to her kids (my wife's sibblings) about how poorly she was treated by the father and portrayed herself as a victim. I have seen this first hand numerous times.

Now my wife constantly deamonises me to my 9 year old son. She takes any opportunity to point out inadequacies to my son and anybody else who will listen to her. I am no angel - but I think that I am a decent, honest, stable, hard working bloke etc etc and I love my family.I have struggled with my wife's behaviour for years - it is very difficult and stressful to live with. I believe that it is classic attention seeking behaviour and I don't think that it is something that she has a great deal of choice in all told as it is heavilly inculcated in her character.

I have a relitively thick skin. But now this seems to be affecting my son in a cyclical way. He is often rather rude and dissmisive towards me and see's me as a significantly lower level of authority than my wife. He is also using my wife's victimisation syndrome as an explanation of his lack of engagement in school - where he really has to try hard and focus to overcome his dyslexia.

So I am now reaching out for some help with this. The victimisation thing is one thing - but the effect is now presenting a significant problem to my son's progress. It's a problem within another problem.

In the interest of providing further insight. I have addressed the victimisation issue with my wife a number of times - I think that she recognises this as an issue but hypersensitivity prevents her from addressing this in any way. Any suggestion of a problem is met with an extreme reaction - anger or self pitty. I think that this must be classic victim syndrome - addressing the issue actually re-enforces it. My wife would rather engage in a fight to the death than admit to any form of culpability - no matter how minor. She is exceptionally difficult to rationalise with.

Obviously with these things there are layers of complication etc. but I really need to be able to do something about this for my son's sake. I fear that he will be the ultimate victim in this.

Really appreciate any thoughts and help.

December 9, 2011
10:25 am
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jih20
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Sorry - just to demonstrate the demonising behaviour so that you understand.

If I have to go to a meeting or work at home - rather than this being 'Dad has to work just now in order to earn money for the family' this is 'Dad is ignoring us and dosn't want to spend time with you'

You will perhaps know the kind of thing.

Thanks again

May 29, 2012
12:47 am
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ShiningLight
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jih20,

 

Maybe you need to analyze and resolve first your marital problems or issues (if ever you have) with your wife. You might need a marriage or relationship counselor to discuss matters regarding your marriage as well as talk about what's best for you son's condition. Have you consulted a psychologist or any medical expert that can help your son? You may need to cooperate with a professional so that proper treatment and advice will be given.

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