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Passive-agressive behaviour from my daughter
July 21, 2014
6:40 am
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odalix
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Our family is going through several different issues;brother-in-law with terminal cancer,my mother had a fall and is hospitalized with her hip replacement rehabilitation (she's 86),my niece, with the sick father, is going through a difficult breakup( my daughter is very close to her)and my ex-husband is going through a very acrimonious divorce.I have a 24 year old daughter who has two half sisters from her (my ex-husband)dad's last wife; there is all sorts of turmoil going on there with my daughter involved.The reason I'm writing is that my daughter seems to be dealing with this through passive-aggressive comments and behaviour towards me and to others. I have asked her if she has anything she wants to talk to me about and that I understand she is going through a tough time with her dad's divorce and the other issues and I have suggested therapy again to her-however, she says nothing is wrong.The comments and behaviour continue and it's hurting  and making me very angry.We have a history in my family of dealing with conflict and pain this way-put-down comments using a third person etc.as conflict management has never been our family's forte; in fact, if I did dare to address a issue head-on, the passive-aggressive stuff began .I'm a single parent and have already been to therapy and so has my daughter;I want to address this the next time i see her but am unsure about how to start the conversation and how to stop this behaviour from becoming the norm for my daughter's and mine's relationship; she may deny it.

July 22, 2014
5:51 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Denial & re-denial, even just having to deal with total passive neglect is a high form of abuse.  It happens in families, at worksites, in schools & pretty much in many places where telling the truth involves having to accept responsibility of things that are happening presently or in the past.  For the victim of such abuse their pretty much is no apology or comfort.  This kind of treatment of the abuser is worse than any physical pain or torture one can endure & I understand how you live in fear of even approaching because I live like this almost every single day.  I have no good answer for you.  I am sorry to hear of all the medical misfortunes that surround you & the pain associated with having to re-visit the pain of the past & the present.  Obviously truth about events is a matter of perspective, but not when it is associated with actual events that you witnessed first hand.  Stop trying to make those who are neglecting your attempts at seeing things as they really are, persuade you that you that you must just ignore or dismiss the reality of what you know.  Try in every respect to just stay away from these people.  They are paying a high price for their denial and their lies.  They simply cannot fathom the past & their responsibility that they had in it.  Do not be afraid to be exactly who you are & do not question your mind.  Walk away from those who choose not to accept the truth.

 

One Day

July 22, 2014
8:23 am
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odalix
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to onedaythiswillpass


Thank you for your reply and advice. Sadly, I think you're right and will try one last time to set this straight with my daughter and tell her if this continues, I will not see her until she deals with it much as it breaks my heart.At least, she will have "heard" me ,whatever her reply is.
July 22, 2014
10:41 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I had to do that with many people in my life who continually kept secrets & when the secrets came to light, they still would not come clean & told me that they were protecting me.  Imagine that, having three children with a woman you marry & thinking that your dishonesty to her would protect her & your children.  In my world it's just  " mind f'kery".  I say goodbye very quickly to those kinds of denial/control people.  I might let him have a visit with his children & be kind enough to open the door if he has nowhere to stay, but I have told him to keep his talking to me to very minimal things.  Your daughter is likely not ready to hear you, but one day she might come back and apologize.  It's a tad different when it's your own child & teenagers do and say a lot of harsh things.  They don't feel the pain they are imposing.  Either way, covering up the truth is not a way to honour any human being no matter how young or old.  The truth is not always pretty, but neither is life & no one ever gets promised a rose garden.

 

One Day

July 24, 2014
6:12 am
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odalix
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I'm sorry you have to go through that.Teenagers can be quite harsh,it's true and I took into consideration that they are going through changes with their bodies and relationships to their parents but when they're adults, this type of behaviour is not on. This hasn't been my daughter's usual behaviour,she pretty much used to lay things out in a straightforward manner as I hope I did with her too. Secrets can be hurtful and shocking especially if you're on the receiving end.

October 16, 2014
12:33 am
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ShiningLight
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It's just a matter of communicating with each other besides you're the father so you have all the rights to praise or discipline your own children. It might be best to go with her during her sessions or vice versa. That way, your relationship as father and daughter might improve and might be the greatest resolution to all the issues concerning your family.

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