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Need honest advice...at the VERY END OF MY ROPE. What is a "family"???
September 7, 2013
6:44 pm
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cdd8920
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I really don't know where to start and don't want to bore someone with my entire life story, but I need serious help, and soon.

Needless to say, I am totally alone with my thoughts and feelings, or I wouldn't be posting on here.

I will attempt to keep this as short as possible, but feel the need to be thourough in order to receive some real advice.

I am a 43 yr old woman, 2 natural children (girls), 24 (malinda) and 15 (sara) and another "son" that I have raised for the past 8 years. I have been with my current "boyfriend" for the past 8 years (the boys father).

Where to start. I guess with the most obvious issue.

Malinda lived with her father in another state for her last 3 years of hgh school; graduated; floated around from man to man for 5 years. Calls us 16 months ago...boyfriend kicked her out...had to come get her. Ok, fine. We get her here and attempt to help her help herself. Stays with us for a few months, hooks up with old flame. Moves in with him. Doesn't work out. She comes back to our house (which was barely big enough for the 4 of us..not 5). Two weeks after she comes back..BAM...pregnant. 

Regroup. Move to a huge house that we can't afford. Don't want her in the street. Everyone agrees she needs to grow up and get her life together if she will ever be able to provide for her son.  She works, great. At 6 months pregnant, another "boyfriend". This is where it can be complicated. This person is the son of her fathers ex! Someone she has considered a "brother" for years. And we are off again. No, she doesn't move in with him, she can't. He is going through a nasty divorce/custody battle. 

Current day: I love my grandson with all my heart. She is dragging him back and forth from here to there. She disrespects everyone in my home. She tells me to FUCK OFF. I have done everything in my power to help her, but her focus is on a man. I don't know where she has gained her sense of entitlement. She does no housework, pays no bills. We are sinking deeper into a financial hole daily. 

My 15 year old sees all of this happen. I have no energy to be the mother that she truly deserves. My boyfriend constantly complains to me about how malinda is screwing up, but won't confront her. I have it coming from every angle. He has shown me NO support when it comes to her. When a situation is confronted, he sits ther and looks lost...like he doesn't know what I am talking about...even though I have to hear it from him EVERY day. He has no bac43 kbone; just wants to keep the peace...with everyone but ME. 

I don't know how much longer I can endure this. My life has been 43 years of hell. ALL of my extended family have turned their backs on me. My mother and father abandoned me at 2 weeks old..raised by my grandmother. She is in her 80's, and her kids have torn her out of my life completely. I have NO ONE. Nobody understands/tries to understand my situation.

Living with all of this reality is too much. I am on disability for numerous health problems. Many surgeries, PTSD, bi polar, borderline personality disorder, anxiety,panic, etc. When you put all of this together, it is TOO MUCH. 

I don't know why I was put on this earth other than to be used when someone needs something, or to be a scapegoat. I can't tell you the last time I have smiled.

If it weren't for my youngest daughter, I would leave this world and be done with it. But I love her too much. She would blame herself, always wondering if she could have done something. I truly want to die. This is not a way to live, this is a way to die.

Please don't think I am whining or begging for sympathy. I know people have worse problems than me...that is what has kept me going my entire life. but that analogy doesn't work anymore. I need help. I need to know that someone understands. I do go to therapy and have a psych doctor, but that hour every two weeks isn't helping. 

I know I have issues that need to be resolved....deep seeded issues. Nobody in my life will give me the opportunity.

HAS ANYONE EVER BEEN IN A SIMILAR SITUATION?

Thank you in advance for reading, and your thoughts, if any

September 10, 2013
6:10 am
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cdd8920
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Needless to say, still frustrated. More drama and judgement every day...I truly am feeling like I was put on this earth to be a whipping post and scapegoat for EVERYONE in my life. It truly seems that nobody takes accountability for their actions, they simply point the finger and me and say that I have caused the situation; whatever it may be.  

I miss my Nanny. My mother and father abandoned me as an infant, and she is the ONLY person that has ever been there for me. I am now receiving threats and harrassment from her children.  I truly don't understand this because for HER sake, I do not contact her. Keep in mind if I do, her children want to know WHY  I am around. The last time I have spent time with her was in May, around Mother's Day. I took her out to lunch, and to the store to buy her items for her new cat. During the 2 hours that we were together, her son called at least 4 times telling her not to spend any money on me..???? Like I said, I TOOK HER OUT. We have had each others' back financially for years. I can't tell you how many times I have taken care of her overdrawn bank account. I used to give her money EVERY week. Yes, she did lend me money here and there after her husband died, but I PAID HER BACK...IN CASH. Yes, she paid me for painting her house. Yes, she paid for the kids to go to camp last year for their birthdays...her choice. Yes, she put tires on my car last year for my birthday because mine were unsafe. Regardless, I know in my heart that I have NOT USED HER IN ANY WAY. Yet her son is threatening me with elder abuse???? Becasuse of them, I am saying my goodbyes...and she isn't even in the ground yet. This is one of the most selfless acts I have ever done. I am suffering because of this...nobody else.

I have not seen my grandson in almost a week now. My daughter has been staying at **"boyfriends" house. Yet she swears that she isn't going to leave us holding the bag in this house we can't afford...??? My youngest daughter...whom I had a great relationship with...has totally changed her attitude. She has seen the older one railroad me, and is following suit. She has become sooo disrespectful, just like her sister. Monkey see, monkey do I guess.

So with all of this going on...all of these people who really don't give a damn about me except when they need something...I am at a crossroads.

At this point, I feel that there are 2 ways out. I can either END THIS MISERABLE LIFE, which is NOT WORTH LIVING; or DISMANTLE THIS SHELL OF A "FAMILY" AND START OVER. 

This state has NOTHING for me. Am I really crazy for feeling like I need to live my own life, and do what everyone else does...worry only about myself. If I did this, maybe I would have time to work on my issues, of which I have many. I can't do it in this environment. I am worn out dealing with everyone elses problems. I am sick and tired of being judged DAILY. I am in so much emotional and physical pain this it is unbareable. I am a shell of a woman, serving NO PURPOSE on this earth. 

I dont' know how many decent years I have left in me, but I have to believe that i deserve the chance to enjoy them. My dream is to live in Florida, always has been. My boyfriend can get transferred there with his company, so that isn't an issue. Malinda can take her son and live where she truly wants to be. Sara is 15...her father is very involved in her life; he has a 5 bedroom house; plenty of room for her. I have stayed in this god forsaken county in an attempt to allow her to graduate here, but sometimes life throws curve balls. She will deal with it. Devin will be back from boot camp in October; he is a survivor. He has options; he can live with his grandmother, or his mother. Hell, he can come with us if he wants. He has respect for people, and is a wonderful, driven, motivated and all around awesome young man.

Bottom line: TO KEEP LIVING THIS HELL OF A LIFE OR TO START OVER. Guilt will play a big part in this decision. 

ADVICE....PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

September 16, 2013
1:46 pm
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cdd8920
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Just wondering...people don't really seem to give advice on this particular fourm. Does anyone know of an anonymous forum where help and advice is actually available???

Things are continuing to spiral out of control for me, and I could REALLY use some advice.

I have my grandson for the day...first time I have seen him in almost three weeks (of course, I had to go get him). He is with my daughter at the boyfriends house. He is sleeping in a swing...the "sitter" allows him to sleep all day long (doesn't want to deal with him I guess) and he gets NO interaction from what I am seeing. His clothes were too small, and his diaper weighed 5 lbs. 

How much worse can this get...

September 23, 2013
7:22 pm
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ShiningLight
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It might be best to consult a counselor who can give you good advises on your concerns. A counselor is someone who can listen to your woes and someone who can actually help you a lot on what to do with your current situation. There's no doubt that as we age, we tend to be more sensitive with what we see and feel and that's why we seek attention from someone or anyone who can actually listen and understand us. If you have problems with how your grandson is being treated then talk to your daughter about it. You are also a mother and you know only the best for your children right? so for sure she will try to at least listen to you. Just be rational on handling things to avoid unnecessary conflicts. Hang in there!

November 26, 2013
3:56 am
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cdd8920
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Well, it has now been over 2 months since I posted here.

To be clear, I have been attending counseling sessions througout this ordeal...on a weekly basis.

The situation has become completely OUT OF CONTROL. 

I have continued to deal with my daughters emotional abuse and disrespect, for the sake of my grandchild. 

I was returning him to his mother last week, and she comes at me stating that I KIDNAPPED her child....???? WHAT??? Long story short, after a heated argument....she JUMPS ME FROM BEHIND AND BEATS ME. I GO TO JAIL. 

Now I have to go to court and defend myself...bogus restraining orders, assault, etc. 

WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON???  She ruins us financially...tears my family apart...assaults me...but once again...I AM THE BAD PERSON. Now I am being forced to defend myself legally??? Of course I don't have the money to hire an attorney...so the courts will not listen to ANYTHING that I have to say. 

This situation is so unbelievable that if someone told me the story...I woulnd't believe it either.

WHERE DID I GO WRONG??? This is the price I pay for trying to have a "family"...

November 26, 2013
4:23 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I am sorry for what you have been through & what you are going through.  My only advice now, is that you take good care of yourself and let go of what you consider your family.  I understand about your Grandson & that you will miss him.  I am sure he will miss you too.  I hope that as he grows up, he can make his own choices to visit you wherever you are.  Try to be strong.  I will pray that someone who truly cares for you will come into your life that will become close to you & you will feel like they are family.

All you can do now, is take care of yourself.

 

Good luck

 

One Day

November 26, 2013
7:24 pm
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scottdale23
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My advice to you is to meet good counselor in your city. Try to relaxing yourself. Don't think too much about this negative thoughts. This can harm your mental health as well as physical health. Firstly try to love yourself. Make habbit of laughing ,laughing reduces tention and stress. It is also a good exercise. So take care of yourself.

January 29, 2014
7:48 am
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cdd8920
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I initially posted here to get advice to avoid the EXACT situation that I am in now.

My daughter has told me that I am a bad mother, and wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME....EVER.

Of course, the lawyers made their shady deals and there were not consequences for the physical attack. She brags about it to everyone; saying that I didn't fight back. Tells my boyfriend that she "let me off"...

I will never see my grandson.

Every prediction that I made has come to pass.

I have lost everyone...and everything.

January 29, 2014
9:50 pm
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Sorry to hear you are going through all thisCry

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