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My wife and 12 YO daughter constantly yelling at each other
March 28, 2015
4:05 pm
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Gregavi
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March 28, 2015
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Hi,

I have been married to my wife for about 16 1/2 years and we've had many ups and downs. We're both in our mid-50s. We have a 12 year old daughter who's in 6th grade. She's smart and does very well in school. Pretty much a perfect or almost perfect report cards since kindergarten. 

It's been going on for years but it seems like it is getting worse. It seems every day (or multiple times a day) my wife and daughter get into a "yelling match". My wife will yell at her for a variety of reasons and my daughter will return fire with comments like "STOP TALKING TO ME" or WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME?". This goes on for quite awhile and happens often.

I have told my wife on many occasions that she should never yell at her but instead talk to her in a firm but calm voice. To make statement about what will and will not happen and leave it at that. She usually agrees that it would be better but rarely uses that technique. I use this technique almost exclusively and my daughter and I rarely, if ever, have arguments. My wife has a really hard time controlling her emotions which I believe strongly contributes to the problem. I know they love each other and would be miserable without each other in their lives but often it seems they hate each other. It reminds me of twins I have known in my life who love each other but were always at each others throat.

I fear my wife is teaching our daughter to yell, instead of discuss, when there is an issue. Not something a 50-something year old adult should be engaging in IMO.

I once read about a wise man who said to his child "There's nothing you can do to make me not love you, so stop trying". I think my daughter knows no matter what she does, my wife will love her and she is testing her.

I am looking for advice for all of us. What, if anything, I should be doing or saying? What should I be telling my wife and our child.

Any advice is appreciated.

Thanks in advance.

March 29, 2015
6:15 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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First of all no yelling either way, but I wonder why the 12 yr old is not trying to communicate?  What exactly is she doing when your wife tries to get her attention?  I wonder what would happen if she toned it down like you do & if that does not help, maybe she should wait for the daughter to speak to her first.  I always have to wonder what makes children & adults so busy that they cannot even take the time to communicate?  Maybe your daughter just plain does not like her Mother for yelling.  Maybe your wife is yelling because she tried being gentle.  Does she yell at you also?  Sometimes we have to love the people we love at a distance because lack of proper interactions.

 

O.D.T.S.P.

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