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Mother talks behind my back, and lies to my face. Makes, be feel like I'm crazy...
June 29, 2014
11:18 pm
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babybeluga
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June 29, 2014
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Hi everyone,

 

I'm going to give a little back story, but I will get to the post title soon...

 

I'm new to this forum so I hope that I am posting in the correct section.  Hopefully I can get some wise/professional advice about my familial issues.  I am a 20 year old male, currently living at home with my mother while going to school.  I am an only child, and my mother is a single parent.  I never had a chance to meet my father (he left my mom before I was born).  I grew up without any immediate family, besides my grandmother who, due to health issues, wasn't necessarily involved in my life excessively.  While growing up, my mother had a drug addiction.  This lasted until I was roughly 15 or 16.  My mother would be inibriated 5 to 6 days out of the week every week since I had started kindergarten.  This left me very lonely for most of my life.  I always had a hard time making friends, due to their discovery of my mother's drug issues.  Thankfully, her problems came to an end during my sophmore year of high school.  I was encouraged by my grandmother to see a therapist to help me transition into living with an active parent, so I did.  The therapist did a "thorough" psychological investigation, and diagnosed me with "severe anxiety, depression, and an 'almost complete lack of self esteem'"  She, my therpaist, said that my diagnosis was "clearly" based off of a lack of positive reinforcement growing up.  Whether that is accurate or not, I will leave that for you to decide.

 

Anyways...  I finished high school and went through the college application process.  When it came down to the decision to pick a school, I went through with going to the orientation.  This school was about 100 miles away from home, and I was riddled with anxiety (to the point where I couldn't breathe, nor see).  My anxiety got so bad that I had to sneak off from the group and pass out in a public restroom.  I regreted having to confront my mother about not wanting to board at a school.  After enduring some of the strongest anxiety of my lifetime, I confronted my mother about not wanting to attend stay away school and, to my surprise, she simpathized, and ensured me that we would find accomdations at home until I was ready.

 

Transitioning to living with a parent was incredibly difficult after my mother sobered up.  Having supervision after living almost my entire life without it was strange.  Upon my mother's rehabilitation, she treated me as if I was 6 or 7 as opposed to the yound adult I had grown up to be, so respecting a decision like wanting to stay at home and postpone university until I completed community college was a godsend.

 

Everytime I would find myself dwelling on my hesitation to "fly the coup," I would become severely depressed and lay in bed for days, with the exception of school, and perhaps using the bathroom, but my mother ensured me that she had my back no matter what.

 

Recently I have overheard some of her phone coversation with a long distance friend and I would find myself hearing her say a phrase "He is living here rent free and leeching off of my money.  He had the choice to go to college, but he blew it..."  This vein of converstation would go for minutes.  At frist I thought I may be halluciating, so I decided to record her last conversation and play it back... She continued on about my inconvenience, and my college dilemma in a negative light for nearly 45 minutes.  When I approach her about overhearing her, she goes to great lengths to dismiss the issue and tell me that I take it out of context, which could have been the case before, but now I have audio evidence incriminating her.  Everything she has said to comfort me in my time of need is now, I feel, completely voided by her recent statements, and I am feeling incredibly alone.  

 

I'm sorry for ranting, and giving a thorough back story, but I want to leave no stone unturned.  I was curious as to how one should approach a situation like this?  Thanks in advanced!

June 30, 2014
5:55 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Babybeluga:

It's quite an interesting name you have decided to give yourself.   Whatever your Mom went through, I understand it was entirely difficult for you and not very fair, but many children whether they are raised by one parent or two, also go through similar problems.  In some families the opposite is true.  It is the child who has the active addiction & not the parent.  I don't think you should be recording anyone's phone conversation for any reason at all.  I believe in the country where I reside, it is against the law, unless the person is aware & in agreement with such a practice.  All you can do is ask her to not speak about you to her friends, but in all fairness, perhaps when she speaks about a situation that is aggravating her, it somehow helps her to calm down.  The generation that came before yours actually spoke with friends either on the telephone or face to face and they often times would discuss problems that they had concerning their children with close friends.  You should not take offence to this.  Aren't you just now leaving a very personal post about your Mother's past on the internet?  Can perfect strangers read it?  Should we condemn you for asking for some support on your perspective on the problems you feel you have?

Did your Mother support you financially during all the years you were in her place of residence?  Did she provide you with all the necessities of living such as a roof over your head, food, clothing, water, heat etc.?  I wonder, do you think that when you were a real baby, but not a 20yr old adult, do you think you fed yourself & changed your own diaper or was it perhaps your Mom that likely arose in the middle of her sleep to care for you?

 

I am sorry she was an addict.  The real issue is that you likely have not a clue why she turned to a substance in the first place & that you show no respect for the fact that she likely worked through some rather heartbreaking issues to overcome her addiction.

 

In my opinion, you should begin to focus soley on yourself & your future & take your focus off your Mom.  If your Mom needs some financial help perhaps you can see about getting a part time job in the months when you are not at school unless you do not wish to live in her residence.  Also, I would suggest that you go and seek the help of a therapist to discuss your very difficult and obvious trouble you are encountering  with your anxiety issues.

 

Either way & no matter what happens next, it's time for you to grow up BabybelugaSmile

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