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Mother makes me feel guilty
June 26, 2013
7:50 am
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freeowl248
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June 26, 2013
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I'm 17 and turn 18 in about 3 months.  I graduated in the top 5% of my class and am going to college this fall.  I'm working for my parents this summer painting the garage for my dad's business and I plan on doing a work-study while at college.  My parent's are giving me $10,000 each year to go towards my tuition, but after a good-sized academic scholarship I recieved, I still will end up paying for about half of the remaining expenses.   I would say I'm a pretty good kid (follow my parent's rules like curfew and grades, have never gotten into trouble in school or with the law); however, my mother's and my relationship has really been suffering.  

 

She's always telling me how unappreciative I am when it comes to how much she does around the house.  I do my own laundry, clean my own room, and am pretty responsible for the most part, but occasionally I do forget about things.  My mom sometimes will do things for me like fold my clothes and vaccuum my room for me without me asking (which I am grateful for), but uses them against me later.  When we get into arguments, she doesn't hesitate to give me a slap across the face once in a while because she claims I'm disrespectful (she says she learned from a cop that if it doesn't leave a mark, it's fine).  Whether it's forgetting to put my shoes away or not waking up early enough for school (I've been late twice this past school year), it's gotten to the point where I seriously get scared when I know she's walking past my door.  She always uses the line "you are only nice to me when you want something" which is definately not true.  It makes me feel good to be nice and get along, but lately it feels almost impossible with my mom.  I feel like she's a ticking time-bomb and this has me on the edge pretty much all the time now.  

 

Another thing is that she vents to me a lot.  Whether it be about her business, my own dad, or her family, she can get pretty negative about a lot of stuff, especially in the winter.  It really rubs off on me and gets me brings down in the dumps with her.  We do have some calm, nice moments, but their dwindling.  Whenever she leaves for a couple of days, the house has a calm presence and I feel so much more at ease.  I feel guilty for saying this, but it's true.

 

Lastly, she makes me feel guilty about my financial situation.  Her and my dad are very well off financial-wise, but they do have to send 4 kids including me through college.  I understand and am very appreciative of the money they are giving me towards tuition, and I have no problem paying for the rest.  However, she always makes me feel guilty about paying for things for me.  This includes food, clothes, and gas to occasionally see my boyfriend of 2 years that lives 10 minutes away.  It stresses me out to no end, because I haven't been able to find a job just for this summer, and I have very limited money from painting the garage and that I've saved up from a previous job last fall. I don't know how I should feel about this, or what to do about my lack of money.

Can anyone else please give me advice or their take on my situation?

June 26, 2013
8:44 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Freeflow,

it sounds like you have a wonderful family & likely a very decent set of parents who want what is best for you and your siblings.  Consider yourself very blessed that your parents worked & are working towards providing you and your siblings many opportunities that not all children may have.  Having said that, I know how hard it is to be a teenager because I have three of my own & I really truly was one once, long ago.  You seem like a pretty darn good teen & what your Mom is doing does sound slightly unfair.  Perhaps she needs more time to go out with friends or your Dad to vent about things or just to rest & relax in an adult fashion.  Remember she loves you, but she also knows that you are growing up & probably she is trying her best to make sure you are prepared for the outside world as that is part of her job as a parent.

You do not have to stay in her range if she continually dumps on you for things that are not part of your life.  Have you ever considered going for a walk when that happens?  Try it & see if when you return in 20-30 minutes she calms down. 

Is there a way that you could talk to your Father privately & ask for him to take her out to discuss this issue without it making her feel like she is being judged?  Maybe he could really offer her more time as her husband & as your Father to be alone & talk about what irks her?

 

Good Luck

 

One Day

July 12, 2013
12:16 pm
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Lisatrans69
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July 12, 2013
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I'm 17 and turn 18 in about 3 months.  I graduated in the top 5% of my class and am going to college this fall.  I'm working for my parents this summer painting the garage for my dad's business and I plan on doing a work-study while at college.  My parent's are giving me $10,000 each year to go towards my tuition, but after a good-sized academic scholarship I recieved, I still will end up paying for about half of the remaining expenses.   I would say I'm a pretty good kid (follow my parent's rules like curfew and grades, have never gotten into trouble in school or with the law); however, my mother's and my relationship has really been suffering.  

 

She's always telling me how unappreciative I am when it comes to how much she does around the house.  I do my own laundry, clean my own room, and am pretty responsible for the most part, but occasionally I do forget about things.  My mom sometimes will do things for me like fold my clothes and vaccuum my room for me without me asking (which I am grateful for), but uses them against me later.  When we get into arguments, she doesn't hesitate to give me a slap across the face once in a while because she claims I'm disrespectful (she says she learned from a cop that if it doesn't leave a mark, it's fine).  Whether it's forgetting to put my shoes away or not waking up early enough for school (I've been late twice this past school year), it's gotten to the point where I seriously get scared when I know she's walking past my door.  She always uses the line "you are only nice to me when you want something" which is definately not true.  It makes me feel good to be nice and get along, but lately it feels almost impossible with my mom.  I feel like she's a ticking time-bomb and this has me on the edge pretty much all the time now.  

 

Another thing is that she vents to me a lot.  Whether it be about her business, my own dad, or her family, she can get pretty negative about a lot of stuff, especially in the winter.  It really rubs off on me and gets me brings down in the dumps with her.  We do have some calm, nice moments, but their dwindling.  Whenever she leaves for a couple of days, the house has a calm presence and I feel so much more at ease.  I feel guilty for saying this, but it's true.

 

Lastly, she makes me feel guilty about my financial situation.  Her and my dad are very well off financial-wise, but they do have to send 4 kids including me through college.  I understand and am very appreciative of the money they are giving me towards tuition, and I have no problem paying for the rest.  However, she always makes me feel guilty about paying for things for me.  This includes food, clothes, and gas to occasionally see my boyfriend of 2 years that lives 10 minutes away.  It stresses me out to no end, because I haven't been able to find a job just for this summer, and I have very limited money from painting the garage and that I've saved up from a previous job last fall. I don't know how I should feel about this, or what to do about my lack of money.

Can anyone else please give me advice or their take on my situation?

July 12, 2013
12:37 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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January 18, 2012
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Someone already posted this almost exact post - give or take a few sentences.  Lisa, I will try to find my answer and then you can read it.

Having said that:

1.  You are nearly a full adult living in your parents home.

That means, yes you do your best to abide by their rules, but your Mother must not hit you even if a cop told her it was o.k. which I really do not believe.  If she does your chores because you forgot to do them once in a blue moon, then too bad for her, her choice.  That does not mean that you should not do your chores, knowing your Mom will do them if you don't.

You are not your Mother's punching bag.  If she has adult troubles and they are not about your behaviour, she must speak with your Father or contact a support group or her own private therapist for her troubles.

It sounds like you are a respectful child/adult & you should be proud of your achievements thus far!  Good luck with your future education & try to ignore all the negative things.

Do not feel guilty about your parents paying for your education.  If they can afford to do it, & they have offered it, then they should not use their decison to make you feel bad after that decision was made.

 

I hope you are looking forward to your future as an adult!

 

One Day

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