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manipulating older sister and Disabled mother... destroying my life..help!
January 9, 2014
6:21 pm
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hillrunner
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My mother is a korean woman who married an american soldier and moved to the US to escape her controlling rich family. She hasn't always been controlling but she has used money to cover her guilt for not being a mother..my dad died of brain cancer when I was 16 because he didn't take care of himself. When he was sick my mom got heavily into a cult because she hoped they would save my dad and he wouldn't die. This led to her becoming more involved in this cult that she became a pastor for them and started a church. We moved to a new house to avoid the memories of my dad being sick. My older sister agreed that she would live with us in this big new house but she got married and moved out. It was just my mother and me and within a few years I  hoped to go travel overseas for college but my mother was on her own. I stayed because my mother guilted me into feeling that she was left behind. So I stayed. My mother pushed me to become heavily involved in her church and to be careful of everything I did. I felt alone. My sister only came to visit on weekends when her husband was busy with playing games with his friends. I felt used so much and spent most days and nights alone because my mother watched church services all day long. I felt like a dancing monkey being forced to do what they wanted and nobody cared about how I felt. I was forced to pick an easy school program so I can stay with my mom even though I didn't want to do it. 

I eventually met my husband who is from a different country. We got married and planned to move overseas. My mother had me come back. She gave me the hardest time and we fought all day everyday because she wanted me to change my husband to do what she wanted.. shave his beard, go to her church, pray more, etc. My mother manipulated me and lied to my sister that we spend alot of her money even though it is my mother who wants to go out and shop and buy food. My mother spent so carelessly that she buried herself in alot of debt. She told me to take a  school loan out because well it was the least I could do. She used all the money. I did what I could to make her happy but it was never enough. She saw me cry and feel lonely.. but she didnt care. My sister needed me to escape her troubled marriage.My mom eventually had a stroke despite us asking her to go to the doctor since she had problems up until then. She never listened to us. She is in a nursing home now. The time leading up to her going to the nursing home was terrible. My mom and sister wanted my husband to go back to his country alone. We decided to stay together and work through it so we could have a better life. My husband was waiting for immigration but we didn't have enough money because it was hard for me to get a job there.. the house was about to be foreclosed. We were about to be homeless and then my issues with my sister got worse. I worked at a crappy place trying to balance two or three jobs and my sister complained that I should be with my mom while she was in the hospital after her stroke. I knew I needed to be there for my mom but she was horrible to me the years after my dad died and we were almost homeless. We had no money. We had only one car and I came home at 8pm. It was never good enough.  We eventually got his green card and my sister did mention my name to her boss so I eventually  got into a decent job but then she expected me to owe her. The fact that we were alone with no money trying to pay these huge bills was just a complaint to her and she didn't care.. I needed to be there with my mom 3-4 days a week. I feel like I gave up all my dreams and I can never live up to what my mom and sister want. I always seem to be flawed. I live in a better place that we can kind of afford but we are extremely broke. I work two jobs and go to school full time so we can get more money. My husband works too but the money I used was mostly the loan I did with my mom. It angers me that despite my husband and I trying to actually have a life, it just seems unimportant to my sister. She and I have a terrible relationship where one time my phone was disconnected because we didnt have enough money. she emailed me and I emailed her back telling her. I didnt seem her email me back and so I thought she was angry at me as usually or busy so I didn't email her. Two days later she emails me and is angry and says we are family and I should have emailed her and that she pays for moms bills and never complains and all she expects from me is to pay for my mom's phone bill, get her clothes to wash and see my mom 3x a week. I feel like she overreacted. It was only two days and she knew my phone was disconnected because we had no money. I am tired of walking on eggshells with her. My mother and her both guilt me into feeling like I owe them and I am never good enough that I feel suffocated. Both the relationships are toxic. My mother cries if we don't spend all day with her at the rehab. She still wants to go back to the cult. I want to move to his country, have children, and feel like I actually have a life. It angers me that I spent my life caring for my parents and I never lived. I never went away to college, I have no friends because I had to just go to my mom's church and "behave," and I now have social issues. I don't trust people.Because of that one email issue with my sister, we aren't talking because I told her that it is because she jumps to conclusions right away and I didn't email right away because my email didn't show hers. It was a mistake. It is stuff like that.. where I feel like every action is a scary move because she will freak out and we are back to being enemies. I can't live like this anymore. I want to have a life but living here.. my husband and I have no other family here and we cannot afford to have a kid here until many years later. Is it wrong to move back to his home in a few years? I love my mom and sister but I feel like I have been manipulated and pressured to meet their expectations. I never was accepted for being me. I worry about my sister and her marriage. She is lonely and she is socially awkward too because of all we've been through. She uses my mother and I as an escape because her husband doesnt pay much attention to her. I worry about my mom and the fact that she  slowly learning to walk and talk again. I feel bad for leaving them but everytime I am with them I don't feel like they are family. They haven't really treated me with love. I  feel strangely disconnected from them because I felt I needed to live up to their expectations.  I am only 28. Cant I go and live my life? Why do I feel so guilty for finally doing what is best for my husband and our family? Am I expected to just stick around with people who easily remind me every time that I was a failure and I was a terrible daughter that apparently spent all my mom's money. My mother lied to my sister about that and my sister believed her. It hurts that she believed that my husband and I are greedy and took advantage of my mother. How can I care for someone and stay and struggle for years in a place near them when they think my husband and I are greedy little rats that steal from her and are selfish? We are just trying to survive because no one else will help. My sister knew the house was about to be taken away and we were going to be out on the streets but she never helped us. Mentioning my name to someone was what she considered a big debt that I had to owe her the rest of my life. Am I pawn? What would you do? 

January 10, 2014
1:29 pm
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Do what you want to do and don't look back because you are not going in that direction.

January 10, 2014
4:08 pm
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enough8465
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Life is too short to be so unhappy.  Your sister and mom seem to not care about your feelings, maybe it's time to worry about yourself for once.  You have spent too much of your life already caring for others and not taking care of yourself and family.  You come first now.  You are only 28 - you are still so young.  Don't let another 20 years go by and still be unhappy.  That is when the true regret sinks in.

Live your life.  Be happy.

February 12, 2014
9:21 pm
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ShiningLight
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You are already old enough to make your own decisions on how you should run your life dear so go ahead and choose what you think is the best for all of you. Your sister and your mother may not be that supportive of you but at least you never failed to fulfill your duties as a daughter and as a sibling, and that would be enough for you to proceed with your own life. You have a husband and it's the right time to make your own family. Just be strong and don't let those negative feelings and thoughts eat you.

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