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How to deal with hatred for my loving father?
November 15, 2011
10:01 am
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mickeymouse
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November 15, 2011
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I am a 32 year old female. My parents are still married, and I have one sister that is 35.

My father molested me when I was around 6 years old. He did not molest my sister. When I was 18 years old i told my mom and she said he was sleeping when he did it. I think this may be true.. it was when I was laying in bed with mom and dad during the night time. 

Over the years my father has made passes at me. He has touched me inappropriately as an adult several times, but I was always unsure if was actually "inappropriate". Things like holding my waist as I'm standing, patting me on the buttocks, rubbing up and down my side softly. I thought because my first sexual experience was with him, that I was imagining these things as being "over the line", just because I was sensitive to it.

I asked him to stop one time, but he still continued for the most part. I was afraid to bring it up because he is extremely manipulative. He uses guilt to control our entire family. 

For the first 30 years of my life he controlled and manipulated my life, until i finally joined the military and got away from him. 

I have made a mistake by allowing him to manipulate me, and I feel it is irreversible. He has a very deep love for me and I have a strong hatred towards him. I worked for his small business for 8 years against my will, out of guilt. What did I feel guilty for? Anything and everything he could think of to manipulate me. He told me his business would close if I was not his secretary. Foolishly, I believed him.

He buys gifts for me and gives them to me in front of the family to get a positive reaction, then sends me a bill for the gift later through the mail and I pay for it. He lies to get me in his car and takes me places I specifically have said that I don't want to go. He says I need to lose weight all the time (I wear size 4). He is never happy with what we do on his birthday, and pouts when it is someone else's birthday. These are just a few examples of his character. 

 My mother says that he loves me so much and always talks about how he misses me. I feel like his love towards me is only because I have let him treat me so badly while I have treated him so well my entire life. 

Now I live in a different state. I'm about to give birth to my first child, and both my parents are going to visit. If I show my true feelings toward my father, he will mistreat my mother in retaliation. And frankly, I would feel Bad! I would feel really bad by ruining the moment. I don't know if he would understand why I'm so angry because I have never mentioned his behavior until now. And I don't understand why I am so angry about this. Why is it all surfacing right now? Is it because I got married and now am comparing my father's behavior to my husband's?

Thank you for reading.

November 16, 2011
11:49 pm
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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mickeymouse,

 

That should have been a traumatic experience on your part and I think it's just the right time to tell your mom the truth. She is your mother and she would understand your side especially now that you have already grown up and trying to build your own family as well. It might be best if you consult a counselor first and submit your thoughts to him/her about what you have experienced and your recent feelings about your past. That way you'll be properly guided and the counselor will help you how to overcome the trauma you have had. Just be very extra vigilant since you are still pregnant and about to give birth. It's not really advisable to invite stress or any kind of depression about anything right now.

 

Or maybe after you give birth, you can have a separate family counseling session so that any conflicts or concerns will be addressed and resolved by the family itself. Family is the basic unit of the society so whatever decisions and actions you may have in the future, that is because of the influence implanted to you by the family in where you came from and the life you've had while you were growing.

 

Wishing you well.

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