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Family falling apart
November 1, 2014
5:23 pm
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cajuncody
Tennessee
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November 1, 2014
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I need advice. I have tried to get counseling here locally but it seems that the counselors covered by my plan never take new clients.  My husband and 17 year old fight about everything.  My son is an honors student applying to West Point but he has a smart mouth.  My husband is a truck driver and only home on weekends.  When he is home it is bad.  My son feels like he has to have the last word while my husband sees everything as a power struggle.  Nobody hits but the yelling and disrespect are mutual and loud.  Now my husband has decided to break my sons stuff to demand respect. He broke his iPad more tonight, it was previously cracked.  

I get blamed by my husband for not controlling my son.  We need help.  Everything shouldn't be a fight. My husband micro manages everything, even pulling weeds. He has also marked soap scum to "show" me I didn't clean.  I love him and want to save my marriage and my family.  It got worse after he fell and was disabled for 6 months.  I have no ideas and am listing hope.

k

November 3, 2014
4:24 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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If you are "enlisting" hope, then I think that is a very wise decision:)♥  Teenagers no matter how smart or well behaved are most certainly a challenge.  The only way to get through these challenging years in my opinion is not to engage these hormone raged young adults.  Try to remember that you were once that particular age group.  I know in my generation & in my own biological family, my parents were particularly busy working hard to survive & the attention was not focused nearly as much on the young adults as it might be today.  At some point as parents we need to just live our lives & accept that while in our homes, these youngsters need some blueprint for adhering to rules of the home, but at the same time, we also must give them due respect and enough room to break the rules on their own & learn from the consequences.  If your 17yr old finds it comforting to watch you & your husband become part of his attention by causing you & your spouse to as I call it "come undone" against one another, he will continue to do so.  Somewhere I read that it is part of growing up & "teenage testing".  It is in particular as you have described a power struggle.  Remember, one is the alpha male, the other is finding his way through growing up.  If they did not fight, the growing up and imprinting gets lost.  Putting you in the centre seems even more difficult seeing as you have a vested interest in the relationship you have with both son and father♥  Your husband hit the nail when he called it a control game in a family where there is a teenager or two, or three:)♥

I suggest you decide along with your husband in private to not engage  your 17 yr. old.  Nothing will change in the family & the verbal & damage to property battles will continue if you do not decide together to see this for what it is worth.  He will try to test & suck up your energy as many times as you let him & the result will be more damage to property or worse.  Your husband cannot control your sons behaviour by wrecking a product that he gave him or that your son purchased.  The punishment/reward system does not apply to this generation.  You can try to wait until he is older and ask him to leave out into the world on his own, but in this economic enviornment, I would not reccomend it unless you are lavishly wealthy & are willing to support his financial pitfalls or find him living on the street.

With respect to your husband and his nitpicking about your cleaning abilities, was he always this way?  Is this just a reaction from the entire trouble surrounding Mr. 17 or is he just one of those asshole guys that can't appreciate that you do not get a paycheque to clean the house & yet you do it anyways, so he should keep his trap shut?  Next time he comments, I would say nothing & do less.  Either he helps you clean, or he accepts whatever you can manage.

 

One day

December 17, 2014
10:36 am
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mom of 5
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He is the step-father? I would leave your husband and apologize to your son for picking such an a-hole to be married to. No joke.  If you can't afford to move out on your own then move in with family.  As the kids say, "YOLO" you only live once and do you want to spend it with this control freak? You are showing/teaching your son how a woman is to be treated by allowing him to witness this.  Good luck.

February 19, 2015
5:35 am
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Dr. Basim Elhabashy
Delray Beach
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If the problem is still then you can take advice from any counselor.

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