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Dementia Mom Spilled Dark Secret About Dad
February 13, 2012
7:36 pm
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Amigina
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Last year, my relatives and I noticed that my mother is unable to look after herself due to dementia.  So we had to sell her home and have her to move in with us (nursing home is too expensive).  She love to live with me (I'm her only child) and my family (a hubby and a teen).   Because of her dementia, I had to help her with dressing, cook meals for her, dial telephone number for her and so forth.  It wasn't easy, but I managed it.

 

The thing that bothered me the most is that she remembered what happened to her marriage with my dad. She told me all about it that I never knew before.  She was telling me that my Dad beat her up while she was carrying me.  He eventually left her starve to death while being pregnant.  I was shocked to hear that.  It's making me wondering if being born premature and disabled was caused by my dad.  She never told me that before.  I guess with her being dementia, she was probably thinking that she's talking to someone else about it, not me.  (she often mistaken me as her sister)

 

After I was born, Mom filed for a divorce right away because the doctor who delivered me turned out to be my dad's mistress' father.  Dad did not see me until I was 3 years old, thanks to his sister.  His sister had a big picture of me, sitting on a piano.  Dad came over to visit and asked her who's the cute little girl.  His sister told him I'm his daughter.  He wept.  To make the story short, he was able to see me every Sunday with his sister's supervision, per court order.

 

He visited me every Sunday from my age 3 to 18.  When I went to college out of state, we didn't contact to each other much.  I was too busy with college life.  When I got married, we visited him once in a while.  When I had my baby, we keep in touch by email once in a while.  Then as my son grows, I noticed he didn't write or call me at all (he never visit me since I was 18).  I said to myself how can he treat my son like that? No communication from his Grandfather.

 

Since my son was 8, I decided to let him get in touch with me first and see if he really cared.  Well, apparently not.  I don't love him anymore because he doesn't care about us.  His 2nd wife had to do everything for him, like birthday and Christmas cards to send out.  She write his name on the card and mail it to me, but it's not coming directly from him.

 

Now I hate him because of what my mother just told me about her past with my Dad.  I hate him for making me disabled and treating my mom horrible.  I mean, one question keep playing over my head often and often "why??"   Why he treated her so bad? Why he doesn't care about me? Why he won't talk to his only grandchild?  I cried when I think about this because it's just so unbelievable on the way my Dad acted - past and present.  I don't know to forget it or move on.

June 1, 2012
8:27 pm
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Matteo
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I am sorry for what happened to you.   Unfortunately, your father is not the only rotten parent out there. You had a loving mother who protected you as much as she could and be grateful for her instead wasting your time and energy on your father who is not worth it. Be also grateful that he did not have much contact with your son, because he could hurt him as well, just like he hurt you. Not keeping in touch is the best thing which he could do for you and your child, ironically. I know it's very difficult to sort out your feelings and it might take even years, but you will, I promise. Parents supposedly should love their children and grandchildren, but sometimes they just don't, most likely because they don't have it in them, they don't love themselves to give love to someone else. Not to feel sorry for him, just pity. That helps: he is not on your emotional level, and he never will be and nobody can do anything about it. The less contact you will have with him, the better, so you might be able to distance yourself from him and see him and the things more clearly. You might love him but not want to have anything to do with him and his toxicity. I hope you'll feel better soon.

Best,

June 2, 2012
2:45 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Ami,

even though my situation is a little different from yours, I understand exactly what you are saying about your Dad.  Matteo is giving you the best advice by telling you to stay away from him.  I know its really difficult & I am sure you love your Dad, but the relationship is toxic.  My Father whether he realizes it or not is horribly verbally abusive & was that way all through my childhood, into my teenage years, adult life & present.  His Grandchildren have witnessed it firsthand & believe me I spent decades hearing my Mother shed trillions of tears due to his abuse of her.  Sad & true, it's best to keep your distance.

 

One Day

June 5, 2012
12:06 am
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ShiningLight
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Right, it might be best to keep a distance from him. He might do worst things in the future that could harm you and your family. If you think there's a possible change on his behavior then try to get him a professional help. Maybe a domestic violence counselor can help your father recover from whatever struggles he may have right now causing him to be a bad guy. He is still your father but if being with him will risk your safety and your future then it's good you are taking precautions as early as now.

Wishing you well.

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