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Declining relationship with dad
October 26, 2011
8:29 am
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brookeroo
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October 26, 2011
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I am 31 years old. I feel my father has a severe social disorder that is increasingly getting worse over the years.

Over the last (probably mostly) 5 years or so my relationship with my dad has increasingly suffered. It always has but it's gotten worse. I used an employee assistance program at work to talk to a counselor about it. I had offered to have my dad attend counseling with me but he does not feel he has a problem. He feels everyone else around him has a problem and he is just a victim that is picked on. I'm just growing very wary of his antics. He is constantly cutting people down. He is very rude in the way he speaks to people. I've gotten to the point where as soon as he starts, without getting pulled into the conversations he's stirring up drama with, stopping myself and explaining as soon as he says something out of line that "what part of what you just said was an appropriate way to speak to someone who did not provoke you?" He turns around and twists it into him being attacked and I'm just some bitter person with a problem. Everyone says it's not me.

On one hand I want to cut him out of my life and on the other… it's my dad. I just don't know how to deal anymore.

My father tends to have more problems with the females  although he is very rude to everyone. The females in my family stand up for themselves and others and the males just remove themselves from his presence or ignore it rather than calling him out. Therefore he believes he only has problems with the females in the family however there have been times I've witnessed the males calling him out. He is constantly talking about himself and how great he is, how everyone has always loved him and tells stories to inform people of all the times people thought he was so funny. He tells the same stories to everyone constantly. We all explain that we hear these same stories on a regular basis however he gets mad that and tells everyone they are being rude and continues with the whole story anyway. My husband can't stand to be around him. My father doesn't know that he dislikes him.

He also has an internet addiction. Primarily with Facebook. He is on it all day. He has a plethora of "Friends" who he barely knows. He befriended people in my husbands family (they are very religious and conservative) as well as some of our friends after my wedding. This embarrasses me because he has very inappropirate conversations sometimes and some of the women he is friends with post very inappropriate things. I've talked to him about this and asked that if he has to have those conversations to have them privately. He doesn't care. He says all our aquaintences sent him the friend requests (they explained they did not) and hes not changing the dynamics of any relationship he has. He has a tendency to strike up debates and belittle people. He has very strong political views… well, views on everything in life I guess. He doesn't care whoe he offends when he tells his opinion. He does it in a very demeaning way.

He has a smartphone and cannot seem to part with it for longer than 5 minutes at a time. I have defriended him earlier this year because instead of calling me when my uncle suddenly died he posted it on facebook. That's how I found out and when I told him I was pregnant with my second child (at 5 weeks) I told him not to post anything until we were further along and I was confident I was going to probably make it through the pregnancy. He turned around and posted it anyways. I'm growing frustrated because he calls all of his friends on there his "best friends" (all 500+ people) and although he'd never admit it, he doesn't really know a lot of them. He reminds me in some ways of Michael Scott of the show The Office.

He sends friend requests to people he's just met. My husbands friends can't stand him. Every conversation they have he steps in and tries to dominate. People tell a story of things and for some reason he relates it to something that's happened in his life and he gets all defensive and they are just telling a story about something that has nothing to do with him.

He's constantly telling us how many friends he has and how many he's gotten in the last week. Every conversation we have with him somehow reverts back to facebook. What someone's posted. What he posted, ect. He posts pictures every day of all the work he's accomplished each day to "document as proof to his boss" who is also his facebook friend, how much he's done that day. He says it's his way of keeping record since they saw a descrepancy a year ago in what he said he accomplished. He takes pictures of places that he's at (including pictures of strangers) and posts them to facebook. I told him that if I saw some older guy who I didn't know taking pictures of me on his phone I would be completely creeped out. He said he didn't care what other people thought. That they won't ever see him again.

He is closing in on 60 years old. We went to Outback this year for dinner with the rest of the family and he sat down next to a high school girl who was in her prom dress. He remarked to her how he liked the tattoo she had on her back/shoulder as well as her dress and that she looked really pretty. Obviously this girl is in High School. I found that inappropriate for a man his age since he was a stranger to her.

He's constantly shoving his phone in my face to show me his new app or a picture, something someone posted or to take a picture of me or my kids. I tell him that I'm not interested but he continues to do it. I tell him not to post pictures of me because he takes terrible pictures and posts them even if I tell him not to. I have told him to take them down and even if he will agree to it, he will post them again later. He posts every picture he has and then he spends all his time tagging people in them. He goes through everyone elses albums and tags all the people he knows in them. He has stolen pictures  of mine, my family and his friends and posts them to his own albums. I have had seen people remark "Hey, who said you could do that!" "Hey! I took that picture!" He responds that they are public property once they are posted online. I'm frusterated because every interaction with him is documented onl Facebook. He posts nonstop pictures of my kids and i dont know (nor does he) a lot of his "friends". But I can't stop him. His response is that I also post pictures online, so whatsthe difference and that his friends "beg" him to post pictures of his grandchildren.

When I was in high school I had a creditor send me a demand letter for a bill he never paid when I was 13. They were coming after me since I was 18 and said they would put it on my credit report if I didn't pay it. When I took it to him for help he said it wasn't his problem. He wasn't going to pay it. I sat there and cried in front of him. At the time I was in school activities and had no job. He shrugged and said it wasn't his problem.

He smokes weed on occasion and is proud to tell everyone stories of his glorified weed smoking days. He's had a pretty broken job history due to his temper and attitude (which he refuses to admit is the problem). It's always everyone else. Everytime he comes to "help" (unrequested) with something he stands around and talks and plays with his phone while everyone else is working. He then says that no one tells him what to do even though there are very specific jobs that need done and no one else needs instruction. If I tell him to do something he will for a few minutes and then stop and walk off for awhile.

I'm just frustrated. I don't respect him. He's an embarrassment. I don't like him and he not only infuriates me he infuriates everyone around me. I have gotten to the point where I don't have much contact with him. I have told him many times all the things that bother me and why and he says I'm the one that has a problem. "No one else has a problem with him". My aunt and grandmother have told him their problems with him. He tell them, they are the only ones who have a problem with him.

I could go on for forever. At this point he keeps texting me saying he misses us. As soon as we are around him he starts in though. He doesn't learn. I've told him that I can't be around him because I can't deal with the way he treats everyone but there is no acceptance of fault from him.

November 16, 2011
7:17 am
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mickeymouse
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Hi, I just posted about my dad too. He is not exactly the same way, but similar in that he is very, very immature- to the point where he is acting like a 12 year old boy. It sucks, and is so strange. My sister and I have talked for hours and hours trying to figure out why he thinks his behavior is appropriate. But last night in particular i felt at peace with it more than usual. We decided that when he is around, we will just handle it until we don't have to be around him anymore. A lot of people don't get along with their parents, and there is no reason for me to feel guilty because he is emotionally hindered. 

It sucks to be this way, but whenever he is around I'm going to be on-guard and call him out for everything inappropriate that he does. 
I spent the first 30 years of my life letting him manipulate me and it almost ruined my life. I was very forgiving for a long time, and thought that being passive about it was the right thing to do. Now I resent him and he doesn't understand why.

My sister has already stopped letting him act this way towards her, and he doesn't like to be around her as much. I hope this happens with me, too. I think that's the best I can hope for. If he doesn't want to be around me, then I don't have to worry about guilt, manipulation, and everything that comes along with having a relationship with my father.

Praying to God helps me too. 

I wish you the best.

November 24, 2011
6:43 am
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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brookeroo,

 

It might be best if you consult a counselor specializing in any kinds of social disorder so that you can submit all potential symptoms or behavior that your father possessed all this time. He is still your father so just give him a chance (he might really have self issues so it's best to give him enough support in order for him to realize and be aware how he behaves). Also, a family counseling or therapy is a great help for all you to reconcile and discuss any conflicts and concerns arising within family members.

 

Wishing you well.

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