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Brother is ripping our family apart and I'm terrified. My poor parents...
December 15, 2014
8:58 pm
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December 15, 2014
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Hi there,

It's with a heavy heart that I write this (very long) post. My family is going through the hardest time we've ever seen. My younger brother just turned 21 and has always had a tough time, from barely finishing high school to having trouble holding onto friends. He struggles with anger issues and was diagnosed with ADHD in high school. In his senior year of high school he got his girl friend who was 15 at the time pregnant. They decided to have the baby and I have an adorable and wonderful 2 year old nephew. As you can imagine being a 21 year old guy with a child and a VERY dysfunctional relationship with his on and off girlfriend is extremely stressful and difficult. His girlfriend dropped out of high school, is raised by a single-mom who's an alcoholic and has kicked her out on multiple occasions. As a result she is very manipulative and breaks up with my brother at the drop of a hat for any reason she feels like. This triggers my brother's anger issues and he launches in a blind rage (conveniently, the girlfriend is never there when she causes this rage) and my brother takes it out on our family and blames us for all of his unhappiness and depression. He always thinks we are the reason his girlfriend broke up with him and that we are breaking up his family. In reality, we don't interfere at all. He still lives with my parents (because they are good people and it breaks their heart to see this happening to him) but because he lives there he somehow ties his unhappiness to their fault. 

For the past two years my family has been torn apart as everytime my brother launches into a rage he destroys my parent's house. He punches holes in the wall, breaks windows, breaks the TV, puts dents in the car, runs his truck through the garage door and flips furniture. It is utterly terrifying. I'm 2 years older and have been away at college for the majority of this destruction but when I am home some weekends I have witnessed these incidents on multiple occasions. Most recently, on Thanksgiving weekend my brother lost control again and I was so scared I called the police to make sure he didn't hurt my parents or I (in the past he has hit and thrown both of my parents to the ground). The police showed up, my brother wouldn't say a word to them, and basically told my parents that they can have my brother move out and its up to them how they want to run their household. My parents and I of course agree, and if he would move out that would solve a lot of problems but its not that easy. He has a good job with his trade degree and doesn't pay rent at my parents so he can certainly afford rent at a small apartment where they live, but he won't go. My parents have kicked him out twice when things have gotten really bad, but he always forces himself back in.

He has all but stopped talking to my dad and it kills me. My dad has been the most depressed and sad version of himself that I've ever seen and it absolutely breaks my heart because he worked himself to the bone to give my brother my mom and I the most wonderful upbringing. We had family vacations, after school activities, a very traditional and normal childhood. But somehow my brother thinks my dad was never there for him and has caused my brother's issues. Part of me thinks my brother really feels this way, but at the same time I am confused because it honestly seems like my brother also has some unaddressed mental health issues that are warping his sense of reality. He's 21 and we can't get him to go to therapy. How his doctor keeps giving him his ADHD medication mind-blowing to me, he demonstrates all of the symptons of being addicted and abusing it. I have seem him crush and snort the pills on multiple occasions. He also relies heavily on weed, but that honestly calms him down and makes him less likely to erupt so it seems to be helping us get by for the time being.  

I worry about my parents living alone in that house with my brother. I feel heartbroken that the house they worked their lives to afford is destroyed and will take thousands of dollars to fix. If we can ever get my brother to move out I am certain my parents will find the money to fix the house and move on to forget the terrible scenes that have happened there. My parents and I are at a loss, we know he probably needs to move out to relieve the tension but he thinks he can't because he won't be able to find a place where his son can visit on the weekends, but this isn't true. We can barely speak to him without him erupting. In the Thanksgiving eruption he looked at us in the eyes and said he doesn't consider us family and that he wants to kill himself. I am terrified that he is going to hurt himself or my parents if they continue to be in this situation. I have so much built up anger against my brother, that the thought that things would be easier if he was dead crosses my mind and I feel incredibly guilty to every think this. Since I've been away at college for most of this he thinks I haven't been there for him and that kills me too.

I know that my brother moving out will mean I probably won't talk to or see him for years (he has harassed me multiple times on facebook, most recently for calling the cops, and I had to block him for my own mental well-being) Has anyone else been in a situation at all similar? How do you get someone like this to move out? What can I do to support my parents through this? Thanks everyone.

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