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I am reluctant to call this abuse but I am concerned of the warning signs
January 24, 2014
11:41 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
January 24, 2014
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 My partner and I are in a long distance relationship and have been for around 2 years.  The distance between us is 2 hours. 

We try to see each other at least every other weekend, more if work allows it.  

Last weekend, I was at his, we woke up and he sorted out some cereal and tea, he said he wanted me to get up to help with chores because he was expecting someone round to give him a quote for some plastering.  (BTW his house is always clean and the chores never really take too long as there is never normally a lot to do) Anyway, i'd had a tough week at work and whilst I said that I would help him I just wanted to have a bit of a lie in and watch a little TV to chill out.  

He was however majorly keen to get things done as he had college work to do later, (he does work full time also).  He only left me alone for half hour before getting on at me to get up and help.  I made a few comments as I was annoyed to be ordered to get up, which is what it felt like.  I said to him that the plasterer would not care that he has some things out of place downstairs, he reacted and I mimicked his reaction under my breath, immediately he came into the bedroom slammed a jumper down onto the bed (he was hanging up laundry) and told me to go downstairs.  I refused and started making the bed saying I won't be ordered around like a child.  He then got angry and grabbed me by my dressing gown (the stiches sounded like they ripped) tried to lift me out of the room.  I resisted and said he cannot force me to do things and he needs to let go,  he released his grip and ordered me downstairs again, i ignored and he came and grabbed my arms and tried to pull me out of the room, he then pushed me down onto the bed and then placed his hands to the back of my head whilst grabbing my wrist with other hand to try again to get me out of the room.  I told him to leave me alone and to stop but he again pushed me onto the bed, i then jumped up and said come on then in frustration and he pushed me onto the bed and climbed on top of me, I could see in his face that he was hugely frustrated and seemed to be trying to pin my arms to the side of my head, I asked him what it was he was trying to do and finally said how far are you actually going to go this is silly you can't act like this.  He said it was my fault, I caused this because I wound him up.  I said that if he were in another mood what I said, he would have laughed off.  He then got off me and i said i was going out as not putting up with this (it may be worth mentioning at this stage that this is not the first time he has ordered me to leave the room, or go upstairs and attempted to push or pull me in order to make me go, on one occasion when he was in drink he pulled me hair quite nastily to assist in his removal.) 


I went to the bathroom and when I came back he was sitting on the bed with his head in his hands and seemed to be almost crying, he apologised and said that I shouldn't have wound him up.  I said that I was not going to engage with this because this is typical of him, he makes me feel bad when he has turned to aggression and then he goes on woe is me mode (as i call it) and start telling me what a horrible person he is and he doesnt deserve me and i hug him and tell him it's ok, I know he didnt mean to.  The annoying thing is, is that I really do believe that he doesnt mean to, i think that he struggles if people do not do things his way and when he wants it done.  I feel that he does not like to be challenged and i am not a person to do exactly what someone asks of me immediately especially when I am feeling really shit myself (i suffer with depression and had been quite down that week).  


I didn't go out and I helped him with the housework.  We spoke about things later and he said that he knew what happened was not right.  I said it needs to be sorted out and I pointed out that he would not act like that to a colleague who challenges him or says something he does not like.  His answer, his colleagues know not to wind him up and they do what he asks. 


A week later, and he asks if I am angry about it, i say i am not but am upset, don't want a repeat and he assures that there would not be one again, I remind him that this is what he said the last time.  He said he would speak to someone but now he is saying that we need to break up because he doesnt want me to feel weary of him.  He said that I am a frustrating person to be around and we are obviously not compatible because we cant work together as a team.  I think we work well together when we get into the swing of things and we have had some really nice camping and hiking trips together, which involve a lot of team work.  


After telling me he wants to separate he then backtracks and says that he actually wants to discuss it with me.  I dont know what to say, I have been feeling really weary of him, I try to watch what I say when I am at his house in case he takes it the wrong way.  He pressures me constantly to find a job closer to his house (it was always agreed that I would be the one to move) I have only just really qualified and finding another job in this current market is almost impossible, i have worked hard for years to get where I am.  I do want to move but I dont want to move without a job to go to.  He expects me to report back to him about jobs that i have applied for but won't accept that i do look but there is nothing I can apply for. He says that i am not prepared to make a commitment to him and this is a problem.  He always says that i do not need to worry about money because he earns enough for the both of us and i will find a job and i need to make a break and just move.  He has been threatening a split for months if i do not up my game and apply for loads of jobs and show him commitment.  


In other matters, he constantly needs me to tell him where I am and who I am with, it's at the point that if i go to the shops without telling him he gets angry and asks me what the hell is wrong with me.  He accuses me of being with someone else, of cheating on him.  He wants to know when i leave work, when i get home and if it takes longer than usual he wants to know why and if i say i stopped at a shop he wants to know why i didnt tell him !! 


I feel suffocated at times by him.  I dont think that he means to be like this.  He is a perfectionist and in other ways is a really nice guy.  He puts his friends first all of the time and will do anything for anyone.  I am quite scatty and he is super organised and is always trying to help me better myself in terms of organisation and my eating habits (i work long hours and don't eat properly most of the time).  


I just don't know what to do now.  I told him that I would make his decision easy for him and say we are not together now.  He didnt say anything, i hung up the phone and he called later to say we need to discuss this later.  he then sent a text telling me i make him feel like a scumbag because i am weary of him, he tells me not to call.  


I do not in any way want to blame him completely for this it is not fair to do so.  I am not the easiest person to be around and I can see why he gets frustrated at times.  He hates it that I work long hours as he sees it that i dont have the time to look for other jobs.  


I am sorry that this post is so long, there is more but I guess if anyone could help with the above I would be really greatful 


At the moment I just feel lost by it all ! 

January 25, 2014
7:13 am
Forum Posts: 271
Member Since:
September 5, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You should be concerned about a person who is trying to control you by forcing you to do something you don't want to do. You can call the domestic abuse hotline in your area and run this story by them. They have a lot of knowledge concerning these matters. Another choice you have is to seek out individual counseling for yourself or couples conseling for you and your partner if he agrees. Stay safe!

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