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codependant & becoming abusive myself?
June 13, 2011
1:59 pm
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gottahavehope
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June 13, 2011
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I am a codependant, though I've only recently realized it. My mother had a serious mental illness & was emotionally & sometimes physically abusive, & I was only tolerable if I took care of her & my brother. I lived through it & grew up, thought I was a capable, strong, independant woman..self sufficient, not needy, & compassionate enough to want to help everyone else. I was wrong. My self worth was very fragile, it relied on what I could do for others, & if I couldn't help them, then I was a failure. So my adult relationships have followed that pattern. I find myself in relatinships with guys who are either addicts, emotionally unavailable, angry, or in some other form needing rescue. I stuck with my abusive exhusband for 14 yrs, hoping that if only I could find the right thing to say or do, he would become a happier person. I attended counselling after him, & thought I had it figured out. I didn't. The next guy was an alcoholic who couldn't hold a job, but he wasn't outwardly mean so I thought this was different, but it wasn't. The last guy was a recovering drug addict, but he had a job at first, was sweet & loving, didn't lie or steal from me. But if everything didn't go his way, he broke things, called me horrid names, then packed & walked out, telling me it was all my fault, that we were over, that he thought I loved him but I didn't. Then a few days or weeks later he would text me that he was sorry, he missed me, & wanted to come back. He promised to get help for his anger issues. After almost 2 yrs of this I was always nervous, jumpy, afraid to say or do anything that would cause a problem. But I also became angry, at him for failing to keep his word, & at myself for continuing to take him back. He has started seeing a counsellor recently, & I believe he wants help with his anger, & I thought I could continue to support him htrough it. I was wrong. My anger & hurt & fear has boiled over. Last time he walked out, he said something horribly rude on his way. And my reaction was to hit him with a bottle, hard. And wanted to do it again, but left instead.  I am not a violent person, & am very upset about my reaction. We decided to separate, our relationship was becoming dangerous. But I'm horrified by my loss of control of myself, & I'm having a hard time. I feel like I failed, after all he was going for help. I don't know how to make sure it will never happen again, & it scares me.

June 14, 2011
7:48 am
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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Hi gottahavehope,

 

Welcome to AAC. You do really have a serious problem but it's not TOO LATE. It might help you not to enter in any relationship for now as you will seek help first for yourself. Try to consult your counselor or psychologist as it will help you a lot in dealing with your current situation. Maybe you're already experiencing the symptoms of codepedency for quite some time now and it became worse when you had relationships with those abusive guys.

 

Get the best help you could ever have. Wishing you well.Smile

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