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Post relationship mess as a Non BPD who was with a BPD
September 27, 2017
5:42 am
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tryingtofixme
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September 27, 2017
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Hi There,

And apologies for what I am going to assume will be a reasonably long, somewhat confused post from some one trying to rebuild his mental state after a break up with a diagnosed Bipolar/BPD Girlfriend. Some of it is not flattering from my point of view and I fully hold my hands up to more than likely having some of my own mental health issues. None the less, I have an experience to share.

Back in 2012 I lost my father due to cancer. At this time I was in a relationship, that I would class as reasonably normal, I had a little boy and whilst I accept I would have been grieving for the loss of my father we were living an average jo, day to day life. Forward to August of 2012, a new girl at our office had started working full time. In the beginning I wouldn't say there was any thing drastic that stuck out or to be honest attract me to her. Being shy and naturally self conscious, worried about my weight etc I didn't really engage with people who I didn't know unless they said something to me first.
One thing i noticed very quickly about this girl is that she had an infectious personality. Even with new people she didn't know within 5 or 10 minutes she would be talking to them and friendly and full of confidence. As I say at this stage, still not attracted to her but did find her an interesting character.

Move on a few months. Probably November time. A works night out had been organised and a group of around 10 of us were going to go into town. As I didn't know the pub we were going to meet at I asked if I could grab some ones mobile number by emailing the people who were going out. Within 2 minutes the girl in question had sent me a mail with her number. Didn't think any thing of it and had no intention of using it until I needed to find out where every one way.
Now on the night out, this is where things began, The girl in question sat with me most of the night. She was telling me about how she was due to get married in May 2013 and she wasn't looking forward to it, the fella in question showed no emotion, didn't love or care about her. Didn't want children, but she just wanted to be loved. She was over caring about hearing the story about my dad and how this had caused massive struggles in my own relationship. The conversation continued. Within 15 minutes not only had we kissed we were out of the pub finding the nearest hotel room to do the unthinkable. We both ended up back at the pub after this event and I soon made my guilty disappointed excuses to get home.

I was sick with guilt all weekend, rightly so. however I could not shift the weird yet what i considered amazing bond that had ignited dangerously within an hour of talking to this girl.
No contact was made over the weekend and I had assumed as alcohol had been consumed it was a drunken silly mistake and whilst being awkward would just have been a one off. I worked in either 2 of our offices, and on the Monday I was working from our London office, getting off the tube I had a message on my phone basically saying along the lines of what a mad crazy night. I did not want to disturb your weekend but just wanted to say I had no regrets. Being a 3 on the hotness scale. I took that on board and said do not worry, this wont cause any issues between us at work.

Something weird happened from this point. The hook had been cast. Being in a bad place my self any distraction from life was not really restricted to any extent.
She was calling me for an hour each morning, she had anxiety issues and suffered with IBS so often got to work early to prepare for her day. Texts got crazy perhaps 75-100 per day. If they were not replied to I would get an Oi or a what are you doing. We were meeting up once or twice a week to engage in sex and it ticket every single box and more. To me it was something never ever experienced before. We had a Christmas do and some of my work friends had grown suspicious of the attention I was getting from her. They kept me distracted and away from her drunken flirting mess. However when I went back to my room, she followed me and said she had to spend the full night with me and cuddle me. I resisted to an extent I got angry and told her to go back to her room as I loved my family and we should not be doing this. She was due to get married and I was grieving.
She broke down at my door in hysterics. With my boss to the room opposite panic mode set in and I told her to come in. Funny thinking about it. The tears dried up so quickly. She made me remove 100 odd hair clips from her hair, we spent hours talking and kissing and more.
It continued like this however actually still loving my family I tried on a weekly basis to stop this affair. As a fairly weak person being manipulated with every sexual desire I ever could imagine and more. I will not lie in saying. It got me. I participated!!! I stuck by 2 rules at this time. I never ever said the word love and would never ever stay out over night with her (Not strong morals no)

A few days before Christmas she sent me a message saying we should talk. I did hold some glimmer of hope that she had grown a heart and knowing in May of the next year she was due to get married she was calling it off. I assumed that and said if this was the case we should say our good byes via message and I would not have any reason to be awkward at work. She grew cross and said no, it wasn't that at all. I need to speak to you as have feelings for you that she said she could not shift from her head.
Fast forward to May - Near the wedding. Nothing had changed regular meetings for sex. Regular requests for me to stay out with her or tell her I love her. The day before her wedding she asked to meet me, we had sort of agreed in at least one decent way we should stop before she was a married woman. I didn't want to be a reason for being on her divorce. Weakened again that meeting didnt go to plan either and ended in sex.

She got married and when she was on her honeymoon, something in me clicked. I actually did love this women who was always in my head. satisfying everyting for me sexually. I needed to be honest with my family and by the September of that year I had moved away in my own house. The married lass who wanted my children, wanted to live with me then backed off. She wasn't sure. Wasn't ready. Didn't want to hurt her family. Husband.

In the end she did. By the Jan 2014 she had separated from him. In the July 2014 we were in our own house and this is where things really hotted up. Arguments between us were so vile I wanted us to be finished. She was fired from our work place as she had punched a co-worker on a night out because she was talking to me.
More arguments wanted me to finish it but a few hours later she was using amazing sex to fix it. This pattern continued. She would detach me from friends, then when she went out would start an argument and stay at her mums. Phone on silent and hidden. Lies after lies after lies. Not just bad things. tiny tiny little insignificant things. This broke my trust, which is already damaged. This then caused arguments from my side. After a massive let down I called time on the mess. I got a call from one of her friends saying she was in the local hospital due to an overdose. At the time I was so cross I didnt attend. I had enough of the lies and the mess and being made out i didn't love her enough or tell her she was good enough. I let her deal with this her self. Because of this I then had my own regrets and sense of being a bad person because I felt it was me being abusive to her. After all she kept telling me.
We got back together, we split, we fixed it, we split. Another massive lie and thats me done. I try my hardest to move on. I hand in notice to our rented home. I block numbers etc. We move out and a week later she contacts me via her mum and sisters mail account to my work email saying she has to talk to me as was late for a period. Despite not being a great person my self I would never not care for a child if I was the father. It turned out to be BS but still manipulates me back.

We moved out in May 2016, move to June 2017. We had still been seeing each other and during this time had been diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD. She was given medication and due to me having a wall up. I took on her diagnosis but never read up on BPD. I wish I had now. I had my barrier up. But every weekend we stayed away. We went out and always had a laugh stayed out. Great sex. It seemed like we could fix it. But again more conversations of me not telling her I loved her enough. not enough cuddles or displays of affection. If i told her my feelings I was abusing her.

Back off Holiday in June this year. Im done. I break it off. no contact (I tried) until the week later. I see her out in town and she manages to get hold of a number that she can text on. However now the tables had turned. She had found someone new and taken great delight in telling me. Then one night she wants to meet and talk and work it out. Then the next i abused her and I need to fix my self. Then she wants me back. Then she has finished with this other bloke.

Its been an emotionally 3 months. Some one who I thought help me get over my dad, and grew my confidence and how I felt some one would love me so much has now been ruined far worse than it ever could I feel worthless. Lost 3 stone. Cry at any thing which I never have done. Worry I wont find a love like that. Worry I wont find sex like that. Worry i hurt so many people. Let down my father being proud of me. Had counselling, on anti depressants, never wanted to commit any form of suicide but often thought it would be easier to be else where.
I feel a broken man. She always keeps finding a way of reaching me. Despite being finished 3 months. I have only just managed to stop her calling me as of last Sunday by changing my number and all my email addresses.

I feel a broken man. How on earth does something like this ever fix itself. I couldn't really care who she is screwing now. reading up on all this BPD has made me cross and angry that I have been used and manipulated. But the good part of me would possibly still feel sorry for her and want to try and fix her.

This is likely to be something that stays with me for life. Be warned, this has messed with my heart and head more than any other life experience!!

Thankyou for reading ---

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