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April 8, 2014
1:59 am
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toughtime
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Hi all

 

I have an issue which I know has probably been posted before but I'd like your input into this as I really want our relationship to work. I've never posted on a site before so please be gentle 🙂

 

Myself and my wife to be have had the most wonderful relationship for over three years. However, one issue has caused a lot of problems and heartache for both of us.

I have always held trust to be of paramount importance in a relationship - so has she.

Without it, we agree that every other aspect becomes a question mark.

 

From the start we have taken it easy and been careful to build a solid, trusting, loving relationship. We shared everything about our past and we were totally open and honest.

We had both had bad relationships and we found a common ground in the love we shared. We grew closer by the day and we became engaged after a few years.

Then it happened. She slipped up in speaking one day and I found out she had had more than a few one night stands. I was shocked and so hurt that she had kept this from me.

She had always told me she didn't believe in them and had none. Later she said she had had just one and felt so bad that she never did it again. I was totally supportive of her and told her it didn't matter. She had made a mistake in her own mind by having one and learned from it. So let it go. It didn't bother me she had had one - everyone does at some point.

 

Finding out she had lied left me utterly confused. I was now in a place I never thought I would find myself - doubting her and me as a couple.

 

I have to be ABSOLUTELY clear here. The issue isn't the one night stands so please don't reply with the usual answers of:

a. Her past is none of your business.

b. Get over it.

c. She loves you now and no one else

d. etc...

 

This is about the foundation of the relationship - trust.

We worked on this for a few months and, to be honest, I was in new territory and was really just flying by the seat of my pants in how to deal with it.

Even over this period the information she was giving me often conflicted. one day one 'fact' the next ' a different version'.

She isn't comfortable talking about this but she does her best I know.

She says she isn't proud of the things she did and didn't tell me because she was afraid of losing me. I know hand on heart I did everything humanly possible to be a loyal, trusting, trustworthy, dependable partner and friend so I just could not understand how she could have felt I would react negatively to the truth while we were building trust.

I told her things no-one knows and I made it clear to her - very early on - that lying for me in a relationship was an absolute no no. (I also made it clear that  I considered omitting to be a lie) She agreed 100% with this sentiment.

Had she said she disagreed we would have been able to talk it over and decide how close/far our belief systems were apart.

This is the issue. I now find myself questioning how suited we are together. I no longer have the faith in what we have built. I do not have certainty of just who she is and what she believes in.

Even after several months she has found ways of avoiding delaing with this. She has said she will deal with what she had buried and tried to forget but still I wait.

I love her and want to be with her but I need to know just who she is.

I do not want to be the judge and jury (She is not on trial.)

I know she has harboured her past and tried to guard against further hurt. However, she has been hurting herself emotionally by not dealing with her past. She has spent years burying it and trying to hide from it; with the result we are where we are now.

I am there for her 100% to support her and be her friend but I am not sure if I am doing the right thing for her and us.

Does anyone have a suggestion for how I can approach this in a gentle supportive way that wll bring light and freedom into her emotional world and let her get over what her past is imprisoning her with?

She is a very guarded person and doesn't talk aboout emotions easily - part of the reason this has happened no doubt.

Your insight and objective views would be so gratefully taken on board.

 

Thanks

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