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seeking advice about getting counselling
March 3, 2014
12:59 pm
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whatisgoodorbad
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My underlying question is whether I should use a benefit through my employer to seek counselling.

 

My BF moved in with me 4 or 5 years ago. For the first 3-4 years, things were great.. I am the breadwinner and brought in plenty for us to be comfortable, working from home. As he is a twinless twin, I feel he enjoys having me with him 24/7/365 and as an only child, I enjoy the company. I'm not an expert on the grieving processes, but I suspect he was never completely grieved for his brother, killed in a traumatic accident when they were 17. He doesn't talk about him but rarely and I never ask anything directly. I'm not sure losing a twin is something that can be completely grieved for, ever. He grew up one of 12 siblings.

 

Not a big fan of the term ADHD, but I suspect he was some aspect of that. Observations are that he very often (most of the day) is hyper focused on whatever has his attention - coupled with an apparent inability to finish anything completely.. A movie, a news article, a task, whatever (he does read, and can finish a large novel in less than a day. Under the Dome by Stephen King took him 2 days). I should add, he is "smart". He had a full scholarship to college when his brother died. He went for one semester, then dropped out.

 

Fast forward. About a year ago, my contract position ended and I was unable to find anything that did not require us to sell the house and move. I took a position making half what I was and am basically unable to make ends meet. Buying food is on the list behind mortgage/electric/water/gas/phone and some weeks, we go pretty hungry so I can have money for gas to get to work. He never complains. I no longer work from home and he is home alone all day. I am looking for a second job.

 

So you can see, the structure of our relationship has changed. When I worked from home, we did pretty much all tasks together: dishes, laundry, yard maintenance, shopping etc. Now, it seems he expects me to do everything. He is not interested in generating any income to help. Just putting a load of laundry in the washer seems beyond him.

 

I don't really want to just give up, as I feel there are (perhaps) a multitude of underlying issues that I may not be responding to in a helpful way. Yeah, I love this guy. We all have a past, a history. His is just outside what I can even imagine, let alone know how to support. Perhaps I should just 'move on' and deal with being alone.

 

I am considering contacting a counselor through an employee benefit, but I suspect it would be a waste of time. I know my BF will not talk to a counselor. He did in the past and now has a great dislike for anything 'psych'.

March 5, 2014
11:41 am
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whatisgoodorbad
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Thank you for the link.  I have read it and unfortunately, there is little I find applicatable.  Our sex schedule is fine (although he of course always wants more, regardless of frequency).  We don't have fights, or even argue.  Being side by side 24 hours a day for nearly 4 years, there is peaceful co-existance and acceptence.  Our world views, opinions on most subjects, superficiial likes and dislikes are virtually identical (I like mayo he likes miracle whip).  I share what resources ($) I have and he basically gives me his company.  We don't have any real commitment to each other, both having been divorced after the same length of marriage and at the same time, we both don't feel marriage is something necessary. If either of us feels that they need to move on, there is no issue, neither of us like drama and fighting.  Since my circumstances changed and I have basically nothing ($) to share - and he is home all day, I guess I expected he would feel some motivation to help me.  The few times I suggested he look for work, even part time, he indicated he wasn't interested.  So I guess, it really does come down to my expectations.  I expected that when he saw me struggling, he would step up and want to help.  So either I accept that I will "do it all" and have him around for company, or I don't, and do it all anyways.

 

The only reason I posted is that I don't feel I understand or can even relate to why he seems to have this unwillingness.  Whenever I find something about him that I just can't understand, it usually stems from the loss of his brother 20 years ago.  I suppose though, after 20 years, if he was going to heal to some degree, he would have.  I'm generally not a "giving" type person and with the change of circumstances I've gone through, I've reached about the "end of my rope".

April 22, 2014
2:50 am
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ShiningLight
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It might be best to just proceed with the counseling. As long as you're determined enough to make things better, your bf will likely be motivated to go with you in the long run.

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