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Resented and nearly divorced...Help!
April 22, 2015
11:33 am
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wes3445
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April 22, 2015
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My wife and I have been married for over 11 years.  We have 3 kids all under 10.  We met in the military and she is still a member of the reserves.  During the beginning of our marriage, I was less than the best husband.  My coping and communications skills had never been truly developed and as a result I would invoke the silent treatment for days at a time.  My wife hung in there but became more and more angry.  Meanwhile, as she withdrew, it consistently reinforced my, admittedly, childish behavior.  We would fight and make up, just to have the cycle restart. 

 

Fast forward to 2012, when she went away for training for 3 months.  During that time, she said she had 'time to think' and realizes she was very unhappy.  We went to counseling for a short period; however to her surprise, the counselor also put some of the blame for the marital problems on her lap (to this day she claims I lied to the counselor, although we addressed that issue in a couple's session and she was unable to point to any lie I told and claimed the, female, counselor didn't like women).  Despite that, I have dedicated myself to making positive changes in my life and our relationships to handle emotions and feelings in a more adult manner.  

 

About 2 weeks ago, she went away for a one week training mission. Prior to her leaving, we had enjoyed a decently stable relationship.  The fights had been sparse and she had begun to workout at the gym, make girls night dates with her friends, and become engaged with me and the world.  However, when she returned she had the same demeanor as in 2012 and announced she had never really forgiven me for my actions prior to 2012.  On top of that, she is even more mad that I have made such positive changes and was capable of changing.  To add more on her fire, she is angry that I tend to get more work done around the house when she is away than when she is home.  I have tried to rationalize with her, especially about getting more work done, because she jams every weekend with events and during the week she was gone it was cold and raining here at home. 

 

She is now contemplating whether our marriage will end.  She said it is unfair and stressful to her that I have said I'm not going anywhere until she wants to end it.  I love her and I believe we can get through these issues, but not until she decides to truly forgive me.  She agrees that I am 100% better with the exception of certain behaviors that I am still working on.  I guess to sum this issue up:

1.  She resents how I handled emotions for the first 7 years of marriage;

2.  She is even more angry that I was capable of change but waited until it was 'do or die' time;

3.  She feels I am working harder when she isn't around to guilt her (although I am always engaged in household chores such as cooking, cleaning and childcare).

4.  She wants me to do 'something' other than say I love her lay this decision at her feet, although she can't tell me what she wants me to do.

 

Can someone please help me.  I truly want to help in this process to save my marriage.  She has not been the best wife, but I love her for better or worse and I am much more forgiving than she is. 

 

Resented

April 26, 2015
2:35 pm
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jane150
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March 10, 2015
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