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Please help!! What does this mean?
November 21, 2012
2:27 pm
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ks396
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Hey everyone. I normally don't do web forums for personal issues like this but I could really use some help. I have been seeing a girl for a little over 2 1/2 years now. We both talk about the future, have an awesome time together and are always ""the happiest looking couple" according to all of our friends.  We are both the same age (25) and both live at home and are working at obtaining our careers. 

 

I'll just give a quick history of how we started off. We have always ran into some troubles, but we have always made it through and I thought (?) we grew stronger from it. At first, she was worried that I wasn't committed to her. I was a little afraid of commitment, I admit… I have a lot of hobbies and such and I admit that I probably didn't do a good job at showing her that I wanted to spend time with her. All of her past relationships were with younger, immature guys who apparently wanted to be with her all the time (makes sense, she is a very attractive girl and probably out of most of these guys leagues so to speak as far as intelligence/beauty). when I met her, she was dating another guy that she supposedly had no feelings for but was using to "fill a void" after coming back home from college and not having any friends.  Anyway, I stuck by her and showed her I was there to stay. I committed myself to her as fully as I could. She is big into going out and having fun/experiencing new stuff and I was always a low key kind of person (work on my cars, hang out around campfires). She changed me big time though, and now I actually love the new and exciting things she brought to my life. when tense times arose, she always brought up how we were so different and how she always felt like she was making me do stuff I didn't want to do (which was COMPLETELY not true though sometimes I admit I was a little tired/dull to be around and should have just let loose). As far as not being the same, our sense of humor, according to all of our friends, was identical and we could spend hours just talking. 

 

Anyway, cut to the chase…recently I took up taking a non matriculated Ph.D class after I graduated to see how i'd like it. I am waiting for a local police force to call me but in the mean time I was searching for backup plans and psych has always been a passion of mine. I also am involved with an aux police program which took up a lot of my time during the screening process. She was working a job as a speech pathologist but she was at a job that was not giving her many hours. She had to stay to get her license though. I have been really stressed out the last few months and she has had a lot of time…but I always tell her how soon all of the work I am doing will be over/pay off and I would show her a good time. She seemed to understand. I admit that I haven't been so fun and exciting to be around lately but we have had plenty of good times. We also had a few crappy times too…nothing terrible but just bickering here and there that mostly lead to apologies and make ups and I just kept telling her I have been a little on edge with all that was going on. 

So three weeks ago she was asking me to come sleep over, telling me how much she loved me and all that. Doing sweet favors for me (which actually is a tiny bit our of character for her) then one day after a kind of stressful week I had, she calls me over and tells me she wants to see other people. She said she found somebody else, he isn't "the one" but she thinks that if she could have feelings for other people, we aren't right. She said "there was no spark between us" and that there was "something missing".  She said that it was "fitting a round peg into a square hole" and she was only with me for so long because she tried to make it work because she liked me so much (WTF does that even mean?) She even brought up an ex boyfriend she had who didn't like her back, and told me how she always wanted the excitement she had with him. She said that she needs a boyfriend who is more like her and keeps her constantly entertained and on her toes (those were her words).  With a lot of the stuff she said, it almost seemed like she was trying to bait me into getting mad. There were some things she said that just seemed hurtful in intent…not something she needed to/had to divulge and quite frankly it sounded like BS. When I asked her later in the week if she was taking it as badly as me, she said something like "no I was over you in a half of a day…and that was only because I felt guilty for hurting you". Yet I saw her a day or two prior at a comedy show with our friends that we both had tickets for and she looked like she was tearing up at points talking to friends and didn't want to look at me.  Even after we talked for the last time and agreed that we should give eachother space, she put it all on ME  saying "I think you need to do this cold turkey, that's the only way you will get over it" making it out like she had no connection left…even though she texted me a few nights after we broke up when we were hanging out a bar with some friends and having a good time saying "nice to see you funnyguy". 

 

One thing I noticed is that she has been hanging out with a single friend of hers more and more. Every time she would hang out with her group of friends that all had stable relationships, she'd come home happy to see me. Every time I saw her after she would hang out with this single friend, she just seemed off. 

I just don't know what to do. A lot of stuff happened the two weeks following our break up that made us bounce from being friendly to not wanting to be friends to ending on a good note again but agreeing to give space…but I just miss her so much and can't understand why she thinks we weren't right together when she seemed so happy so much of the time with me. How do you stay with someone for almost 3 years when there was "no spark" or if we were "so different"? Why would she say she loved me and wanted to spend her future with me so many times if she never thought it was right?  It later came out that she just wants to be single and free and "flirt with other guys freely" again and find the right guy for her…. Honestly, I think she just needs to close that chapter of her life that she never got to really close. Get out and meet new people, have fun, try new flings…I honestly thought WE were right together but maybe she just isn't right for a relationship right now, or got scared from it going on 3 years. I am so lost. I want to tell her how much she means to me and how I realize that I have been kind of dull from all the stress life has thrown me lately but I know she wouldn't hear it. All my friends tell me just to keep my distance and maybe she will realize she just needed a break for a bit but I know she is so stubborn and has the mentality of "if we broke up once, it wasn't meant to be". Could anyone tell me what this all means? Anyone have advice on what to do? Does she really KNOW that we aren't right together, or does she just need time to maybe realize what we had together?  It always seemed to me that the feelings she had reoccurring throughout our relationship were just a sign of someone who is looking to the past through rose colored glasses (party life, ex boyfriends) and thinks that there will be someone out there who will PERFECTLY mesh without requiring any work. I know the feeling of clinging to the past because I once had the same mentality. Any advice would help me so much, please! thanks

November 21, 2012
2:54 pm
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ks396
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I should probably also say that she even admits that she is still very attracted to me and that she will "miss our sex life". So I know it's not just physical attraction that did this. It almost seems like she is moving backwards…I gave her all the things I thought a relationship needed, unconditional love…compromise…communication. I was always there for her, even when we argued I would never play the "fuck you" card and walk away. I'd always try to make it work. Yet now she is missing a spark or excitement that seems obvious after almost 3 years…I would think you'd have to work to rekindle that sometimes. She seems to say it was never there…but how did this go 3 years then? I admit that I may not have been a ball of excitement the last few months and more specifically, weeks…but we could still go out and laugh/connect. She'd still look into my eyes during romantic times and seem totally in love with me. 

 

I have read a lot of posts of people saying that "something is missing" is just code for "I dont like you that much" but it seems like this normally comes after a few months...not over 2 years.

November 26, 2012
7:28 pm
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ShiningLight
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It means she's still immature enough to realize the commitment of having a relationship. It might be just best to just let her be and give both yourselves time and space to settle things out. Just move on and don't let yourself dwell from what's already past. When you find yourself not being too ideal anymore and your expectations are lesser than before then that's the time you are ready for a new relationship. If you're meant to be together then it will bound to happen, when? We'll never know. The important thing is you have your own life to live with so make the most out of it.

November 28, 2012
8:58 pm
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ks396
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Thank you so much for your reply! You are definitely echoing what everyone has been telling me….that it is more of an issue with relationship maturity and fear of commitment than us really not being right together. She things she will find someone who will cure all of her commitment problems instead of realizing some problems you need to address yourself. 

 

The more I have talked to friends/family and even from reading some of her old live journal posts from when she was like 18 I realize that she has the same issue she has always had….a really crazy powerful fear of commitment. One of her live journal posts from when she was 18 sounded like a mirror image of what happened here. this is what she said in her post when she was 18…..

"I have two choices to make, I can either try to work things out with someone, or to let it all go and try my hardest to move on. Either way, I'm screwed. If I make him a promise that I will make it work, and let him down, I will lose him forever, but on the otherhand, if I tell him I think we should go our separate ways, he will probably never talk to me again, and I don't want that. It's a double-edged sword. I'm only 18, why should I have to force a relaionship to work? I'm not married, I just want to live my life"

 

Sounds almost exactly like what happened to us. Right when the relationship started to not be all new fun and excitement anymore after 3 years…instead of trying to make it work and letting me know what was wrong so we can spice it up again she gave me the "a relationship shouldn't feel like work" and "I shouldn't have to force it to make it work". Spooky how similar it all is…only difference is she is 25 now and this was a serious long term relationship. 

She said to me something like "As much as I hate to admit it, I am needy…and I need a guy who will constantly want to talk to me and be there with me" .  So she has typically always found guys younger than her who are clingy and then ditches them after a few months before they start to get tired of being with her 24/7. What she said almost sounds like somebody saying "I know I have anger management issues so I need to find a person who never makes me mad". 

 

I was thinking I could confront her on some of these issues in a nice way. I love her and I wish I could make her realize that some problems have to be fixed from within…it's nice to think of life as a fairy tale….call me cynical but I dont think she will EVER find a guy who makes her feel perfect inside, keeps her constantly entertained for years and gives her a relationship requiring no work….one that dissolves all of her commitment issues.  If I honestly thought she could, I love her and i'd be an idiot to not let her go find it. I guess it's not a good idea to confront people with their problems though…I guess she is never going to listen to anyone (least of which me given my ulterior motives). I guess it's something she needs to learn on her own?

 

I wrote her a cheesy kind of funny poem about our times together and how I still love her but i'll give her time. I was going to leave it on her car on our anniversary next week as I would always leave her notes on our anniversary day every month. I figured it would just let her know I still care as I have bounced back and forth from being ok with it all to bitter and now to out of the picture since it all happened. Good or bad idea? After that point I figure I have to let go and move on but I guess I am kind of hoping that her knowing i'm not walking away so easy would make her think about things if she isn't happy on her own/with another guy right now. I know she has some insecurities and I could almost picture her missing me but then saying to herself "well I haven't heard from him, he must be over it already and doesn't want me anymore anyway". then again maybe she wont miss me and really does want to move on. :-/ ??

 

I saw her at a bar that some mutual friends were at the other week. She was joking with me and laughing and having a great time. She then left with her friend to go elsewhere and with the way she was having fun with me I really expected a text or something later but I got nothing. It drove me crazy thinking about it…like could she really be so completely over it that she could have fun/joke/laugh with me and NOT have that drum up any bad feelings about ending the relationship?  I mean hell, I would think that even if a couple really hated eachother by the end of the relationship, it would still be an emotional roller coaster to see the partner and have fun with them a few weeks later. Like could I have been "friend zoned" that quickly after a 3 year relationship or was that just a momentary lapse in her "I need to get over him" thinking?

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