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Not even the professionals have been able to wrap their minds around this one ....
September 22, 2013
5:54 pm
finding nemo
New Member
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 22, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'll try to make this brief, but
I am afraid it will end up long no matter how hard I try.  I have a lot of
information to get out in order for you to try and understand my situation.

Four years ago my husband
had an affair with a coworker who lived in another state.  My husband left
our family home for 3 months and then came home.  The way the affair was
found out was that my husband had disappeared into thin air and no one knew
where he was. Then I started contacting the police for help.  They were
able to use credit card receipts and bank transactions to figure out where he
was.  He even got a speeding ticket when he was pulled over to check to
see if he was the missing person.  The two of them continued on with their
affair only it became more of an emotional affair rather than physical.  I
think it was becoming harder for them to hide what was going on because they
were using work as an excuse as to why they needed to get together to talk and
work on something after hours, etc.  We went to marriage counseling. The
counselor kept telling him he needed to let go of this coworker.  

Four years later and a
lot of B.S. later she moves to our same city and state.  She moves her
boyfriend with her.  This is the boyfriend she met about three days after
my husband was tracked down by the police near her house.  Every time I
heard his phone ring it was this coworker.  She was texting him begging
him to come in and help her at work, etc.  I am starting to get really
pissed off and wondering what the heck is going on and why my husband won't let
go of this coworker and concentrate on his family.  Her boyfriend is also
at his home getting pissed off and wondering what the heck is going on.  I
am getting madder.  Her boyfriend is getting madder.  We both ask
questions. We both get lies and deceit. 

During this time I also find an
email account that my husband had been using for about 8 years where he was
carrying on with other women on dating sites, etc.  He nearly burned
pretty bad by a scam that happened where he barred his heart and soul and they
wanted money and US citizenship in return.  They didn't want him.
 They wanted his money --- thousands of dollars were being asked of him.
 Finally he woke up out of whatever his dream was and realized what was
going on.  Thankfully it happened before it was too late.  

Anyway, we have a conversation
about the coworker, the websites, the secret email, etc.  We finally get
to a point where there is nothing else hidden.  I have all the answer I
need, etc.  We decide we are going to work harder than ever to get this
marriage back on track.  We agree to be honest, open, and do everything
necessary to make each other happy.  Family time is happening.  Husband
and I are engaging in a lot of contact with each other - creating special dates
with each other, etc. 

My husband and I are really
happy at this point.  Then we lost a family pet that died out of the blue.
 Then my mom died on Thanksgiving.  He was extremely supportive through
everything. That was until the week of Christmas.  My husband took three
weeks off from work.  He laid around sleeping, enjoyed time with our
daughter, etc.  I didn't complain.  He works hard and so when he has
time off it is rare.  So, I let him do what he wanted.  His cell
phone did not ring once during the first two weeks.  

A couple of days before
Christmas my husband starts ignoring me -- the whole nine yards where he's
really short with his words, ignored me, walk right past me without as much as
taking a breather, etc.  I ask what's wrong. He says NOTHING. So, I say
okay, nothing is wrong so there is no reason for treating me like crap.
 Another day closer to Christmas and I feel like we are starting to kind
of talk things out.  Christmas comes and he was wonderful to me.  The
day after Christmas he goes right back to treating me like crap.  He
decided to leave for a bit and go to the gym.  The gym helps clear his
head, so I was okay with that.  He comes home and we go to a movie.
 We go out to eat.  We go shopping and we talk all about painting the
house, fixing it up, etc.  He buys me a new comforter to match a paint
color we picked out - you name it.  We were happy, in love and walking on

That was until the next morning
when I wake up and I feel something isn't right.  This is how I know when
my husband is doing something harmful to me or our marriage.  I just feel
it. So, I look at his phone and there it was big as could be.  He had gone
to the gym and tried to contact this female coworker on the phone.  I went
to him calm and collected and asked about the phone call.  He said he was
answering a phone call she made to him.  Funny, there was no record of an
incoming phone call. It only shows the outgoing one.   I asked why he was
not honest and open with me like we agreed we were going to be.  This was
the beginning of a HUGE fight.  I look back and wonder who those two
people were. He ended up in jail for hitting me while I was at the hospital
being checked out.  

We deal with child
protective services.  They set it up so that my daughter would have
visitation with her dad.  For one month only her grandparent could pick
her up and drop her off at home. He also has to deal with his work because now
his work knows what happened at our house, the affair he was having with his
coworker, and a bunch of other stuff.  He is told keep away from her or
else they would both lose their job. 


After two months, my husband was
granted permission to talk to me, but he couldn’t be near me alone at home or
in private.  It had to always be accompanied by someone else being present
-- dropping off / picking up our daughter at a store or public place, etc.
 We start having conversations about what we are going to do with our
relationship. He tells me he doesn't want anything to do with me right now.
 He just wants to see his daughter and he will figure the rest out as time
goes on.  I attend my individual counseling; meet with mentors, advocates,
and all kinds of people who are trying to help me along the way.  I didn't
have a job.  I just finished school, but I couldn't get my degree until
the classes were paid for etc. I have a daughter to take care of along with a
house and yard.  Life is spinning out of control and I am trying to grab a
hold and hang on for dear life.   

Three months in and he is
granted full communication with me and he is allowed to come home.  This was because I went to the judge and said
I wanted him home with me.  I said that I would do my part to make sure
that nothing like this ever happens again - no matter what it takes. Did he
come home?  Nope.  He said he was too scared of going back to jail if
we got into a fight.  I gave him that as I know how scared I was at the
time too.  He is assigned to do community service work, attend prevention
classes, and is on probation for 18 months.  He starts working on all of
the legal stuff assigned to him.  We hardly talked to one another.  I
was nice to him when he would come around to see our daughter. I sent him a
suit case of clothes and various things that I knew he was going to need.
 I didn't have to do it.  I still love the guy and wanted to make
sure he is okay.


Four months in, he sends me a
huge chocolate bunny for Easter. We have gone swimming twice and to dinner as a
family. No hugging, no affection, etc. I find out that he has been lying to me
and he doesn't live with his dad.  He has been living in an apartment near
his work. He tells me that he couldn't live with his dad anymore because his
dad was keeping him until 4 and 5am and he was getting into trouble at work for
being late and not showing up at certain times when he was one call.  I
also find out my husband has had this female coworker at his apartment because
her boyfriend contacted me to talk to me about what was going on between the
two of them.  I was honest and told him they had an affair and apparently
they were still in close contact with each other.  I told him what
happened between my husband and me.  I told him about my husband going to
jail.  This is when I find out my husband took the female coworker back to
his apartment and she stayed there because she was hiding from her boyfriend
who also nearly went to jail for a HUGE fight they got into over my husband.
 This happened about two days after my husband got out of jail.  It
was also before he was told to stay away from her by their work.  I don't
know if my husband knows I talked to her boyfriend.  I only know that it
was at this point in time my husband told me that I am not allowed near the
apartment.  Also, I am not allowed to be alone with him ever.  

Five months in, we take a 2 hour
car ride together with our daughter and her friend.  We were celebrating
our daughter’s birthday.  We spend the entire day alone while our daughter
and her friend are off having fun.  I am holding my husband's hand, he is letting
me wrap my arms around him and hug him, and at one point at dinner he allowed
me to touch him in places that would have embarrassed the daylights out of me
had anyone else seen it.  He continued to allow this to happen during the
entire drive back home.  To look at our family you would never know that
we were going through such a difficult time.  We take out daughter's
friend home who lives near a lake.  Our daughter is sound asleep in the
car.  We park at the lake with some people camping nearby.  I tried
to kiss my husband.  First kiss he accepted.  Second kiss he
accepted.  Third kiss he turned his head and said I don't think this is
right.   We drive back to my where my car was located.  I cried and I
asked him if we were finished as being married and he said no.  He said he
just needs time to try and figure everything out as he didn't expect things to
be going the way that they are.  


Mother's day he sends me an
orchid plant and says I love you on the card.  I am extremely confused and
I go to my counselor for help.  She tells me it's time to lay it on the
line and say we are either in or we are out.  So, we have a conversation
and he tells me that he can't work on anything right now other than his classes,
his community service work and his regular work. He starts to cry and tells me
that he would like to be able to put his daughter to bed every night and spend
every day with her, but he feels like he is stuck and can't do anything about
it.  I tell him that he can do something about it.  I tell him that
he needs accept that as long as he is not going to be returning home that his
stuff does not belong in my home. I told him he needs to get his belongings and
take them with him to his apartment so that I am not reminded of him on a
constant basis.  He tells me he doesn't have room.  I tell him it
doesn't matter.  It's not my problem.  I told him to pay for a
storage unit and leave me alone.  He tells me I will have to talk to his dad
about of his stuff that is being stored in our basement.  I told him I
would do that as I am no longer a part of his family and my house is not a
storage unit.  He tells me he wants to come home but he is too scared to.
 He tells me he loves me and that he wants to evaluate everything when he
is done with the court stuff.  So, I give in and try to be supportive.

Six months in we are talking
very sporadically.  I am not pushing, I am still just trying to be
supportive as he is starting to have issues with his boss at work and they are
treating him differently now.  Jobs that he would normally picked for
first he was being passed over.  A lot of people got a bonus for a job
they worked on, he did not.  He got passed over.  They said he wasn't
involved in the project enough to be considered for a full share of a bonus.
 Some of this comes from the fact that by now he is starting his
prevention classes and isn't available the 24 / 7 like has been for the past 13
years.  They shouldn't feel bad.  He completely ignores me and
doesn't come to see his daughter or talk to her either.  For nearly two
weeks he didn't talk to me.  He sent me a message through his dad's
girlfriend.  He said he started taking his classes and he would contact me
as to when he could pick up our daughter for a visit.  Then after making
plans for Father's Day he ended up missing spending it with our daughter
because he was sick and had been at the hospital.  I felt really bad for
him so I made sure that I sent stuff with them so that they cook a meal together
and make up for him being sick.  About this time my husband starts to miss
me a lot.  He is telling our daughter how he enjoys cooking with me and
how he has enjoyed other things that we had done in the past.  The phone
calls, texting, etc really start to pick up. He's talking to me nearly every
day now.  If it's not on the phone, it's via text or email.  This
opens the door to us sharing recipes, ideas, and we are now sharing things that
we would like to do in the future, etc.  There is nothing that says we will be a family
again. Just dreams that we both have like we used to do when he lived with me.  

Seven months in and he invites
me to go with his family to see fireworks.  I said okay.  I would
like that.  So, off we go on the long 2 hour car ride again.  We meet
with the family and somehow we end up alone in our car.  Our daughter went
with grandpa, his girlfriend, and her kids.  My husband knows the area as
he grew up there.  We drive far away from everyone else.  We get a
phone call that the rest of the family went to see a movie and they would meet
up with us later.  So, my husband asked me to go to get coffee with him.
 I said sure.  We are walking along and I feel pretty confident about
being with my husband.  I tried to hold his hand and he refused and
slapped my hand away from him.  I stop dead in my tracks and I tell him
that I am his wife and I am not about to be treated any other way.  I am
not his "friend" and I refuse to be his "friend."  I
want my husband, not a random someone who shows up on my phone every now and
again.  I ask him to take me back to his dad's house so that he can feel
"safe" and don’t have to be stuck with me.  I was hurt.  I
was pissed.  But, I was also stuck.  He told me we can't go to his
dad's so how about if we watch a movie together.  I went in the theater
and excused myself to the bathroom so he would not see me cry.  He got
scared and asked if I was coming back from the bathroom.  I asked where
was I supposed to go?  And I apologized for him getting stuck with me.
 He says he isn't stuck with me and he would see me in a few minutes.
 He gets tickets and I go into the movie theater and I sit three seats
from him.  He moves down and sits right next to me.  We were watching
the movie and my hand accidently touched his leg.  I apologized for touching
him and then he grabs my hand and held onto it for dear life.  He was squeezing
my hand and staring at me the entire movie.


Our daughter stayed behind to
stay overnight with her grandpa so we are alone again in the car.  We are
holding hands and we have a conversation on the way home.  I told him that
I am appreciate that he invited me to see the fireworks and thanked him for the
movie.  I then told him that since I am not his wife and after he dropped
me off he would want nothing to do with me again that I needed for him not to
call me or to contact me anymore because he is making it to confusing for me.
 I told him he needs to leave me alone and let me get on with finding
someone who wants me.  He tells me that he is still scared, is trying, and
loves me.  He tells me that he is going to start making decisions in
August.  I said - great serve me with divorce papers on my anniversary or
my birthday.  That's pretty low.  He answered and said he wasn't
serving me with anything.  He said a lot of people told him not to come
home or to have anything to do with me, but he wasn't listening to them.
 I said obviously you are because you still live in your apartment and
want nothing to do with me.  When we go to my car I was crying and he
started to cry too.  He told me that he loves me and he asked if he could
hug me and hold me.  So, I hugged him and we both stood there crying.
 Then he said he was going back to his empty apartment and I said lucky
you.  I get to go home to our empty house.  He said yea, you are kind
of in the same boat.  And I said, no…It’s not even the same.  You get
to go and hide from reality.  I have to go home and face it head on.
 He hugged me again, kissed me and told me he would call me in a bit.
 He never called me.  His dad had called him and his dad kept him on
the phone until 4am.  He didn't think it was right to call me at that time
of the morning.   

I figured I wouldn't hear from
him any more since I told him that I needed him to leave me alone so I could
find someone who wants me.  He ended up calling me the next day to
apologize and tell me that his dad had called him, but he was thinking of me.
 Also, he called because our daughter had told him that I got hired onto a
job and I was going to go away for a few days.  I hadn't said anything the
night before.  I figured I was on my own from that night on so I just made
plans to deal with everything on my own.  He asked me to meet him to go
clothes shopping as I didn't have any type of professional clothing - only jeans
and t-shirts.  I also did not have any money to afford the clothes.
 I have probably had a total of 1 thousand dollars for two people to live
off of during the previous 7 months. Some he gave me.  Some I made on my
own doing a sporadic job.  He ends up buying me several outfits.  I
offered to pay him back when I got my pay check and he refuses the money.
 They he takes me to dinner.  I had not told him of any plans for who
was going to look after our daughter or anything, so he was a bit hurt that I didn't
include him.  I told him that I was behaving the way a friend would
behave.  That's what he wants then that is what he is going to get.
 He said he never said he wanted me as just a friend.  I replied with
previous statements he made to me and asked him why he never invited me to go anywhere
with him.  He said he hasn't had time to breath let along do anything
else.  That night his car battery died and I helped him get a replacement
and stayed while he fixed it.  We talked and we giggled and had a weird
time of it.  This felt like family - the way things used to be.  

After this incident he
took my car to his dad's car shop and had my car serviced.  He knew I
would be driving alone in the early morning hours to the airport and back home
in the early morning hours so he was looking after me.  He fills my car
full of gas. He refuses any money from me to help pay for anything.  He
helps get our daughter to my father in laws girlfriends’ house where she was
going to be staying for a day or two and then my husband was going to pick her
up and keep her until I came home from my trip.  Then a miracle happened
and the world changed -- my husband called me the morning of my trip and told
me he was on the way to take me to the air port.  He was sitting out front
of our house waiting for me.  This is the closest he has come to our house
in over 7 months.  We had a wonderful ride to the airport.  He kisses
me at the gate when I had to leave.  He wiped the tears from my face and
told me everything would be okay.  

I go on my trip and we are in
touch as much as I could be. I was up by 5 and in bed by 10 - in a different time
zone.  The rest of the time I was being ushered around in job training and
I had to go where everyone else went because there was only one car between us
all.  When we talked he was supportive, told me how proud of me his is and
a bunch of other stuff.  When I got home I thought I was going to have to
take the shuttle home.  My flight had been changed from early morning to
late evening so I was thinking I might have to wait a long time for morning to
come.  Instead, my husband was at the gate waiting for me.  Even
though I didn't tell him about the flight change, he was watching and waiting
for my flight information and he knew where I was the entire day.  He took
me to dinner before dropping me back off at our house.  He didn't come
inside.  After this he started coming to our house to pick up our daughter
and to drop her off.   But, the conversation had changed as well as now he
is mostly wanting to talk about our daughter and what she needed for school,
etc.  He got upset with me when my first pay check arrived because I did
not include him in any of the shopping for school clothes, etc.   He felt
better when I told him that I had made a list of what she needed and I had left
things on the list for him so that he could take her shopping.    

We are now 8 months in
and things are feeling different.  Things are looking up. I have confidence
that in time my husband will eventually come home.  Our daughter had a few
more days before school started so she wanted to go visit with grandpa and his
girlfriend and he kids again.  So, I dropped off our daughter with her
grandpa.  I sent a note to my husband saying I had dropped off our
daughter and that she was okay.  I said that I understand if he doesn't
want to talk to me while she is gone.  I said that I still love him and I
enjoy talking to him so I would be okay with it if he did want to call.
 He calls me the moment that he received the note and said he would call me
later in the evening as he had a class to attend and then he would be free to
talk.  He does call me like he said he would.  In fact, he calls me
morning, noon and night the entire time our daughter was away.  

Then comes our
anniversary and he was really sick again. Second go around with a chest
infection and having to go to the hospital.  He calls me to tell me he
didn't forget.  He is just really sick and the doctor didn't advice him
driving for a few days as the medicine they gave him is really strong and makes
him weak.  A few days later was his birthday and was still really sick.
 I called to wish him a happy birthday and told him that we had a gift for
him but it could wait until he was better.  When he finally got to see the
quilt I had made for him he cried.  He tells me that he sleeps with it
every night.  Our daughter and I had searched high and low for just the
right fabrics and pattern for him.

My birthday was 6 days
later.  I had already settled into the fact that I was alone.  My
only sister has passed on.  My mom has passed on.  The rest of my
family lives far away so I won't text or talk to them on the phone.  My
husband sends me flowers with a note attached that he loves me. Then he
call me and tells me he wants to bring a special cake to me he had a bakery
make special just for me.  It was wonderful!!!  Anyway, on the way to
deliver the cake he tells me to grab some shoes and go with him to pick up our
daughter.  Okay - I can take a ride.  He informs me that the flowers
we special because he had been hoping to give me some for such a long time and
now he was able to give them to me.  He said they had a special meaning,
but I don't think I got the meaning.  It has something to do with the fact
that they are yellow lilies.  

Off we went on this 2
hour ride again. My husband tells me that he had been laid off from his work.
 He has until Oct 31 and then that is the end of the job.  We start
talking about what we need to do because we have two households to take care
of.  I asked him if he is apartment was important to him and he said no.
 He said he could sublet it if necessary.  I told him to sublet it
and come on home.  I promised I would keep helping out as much as I could
with the bills, etc.  I offered to turn over my paycheck to him so that
one of us could keep track of everything that was going on.  I promised to
keep going to my counseling and to keep working with everyone I have been
involved with up to this point. I wanted him to feel safe and I wanted him to
know that I am here trying to make things work.  But, I think he would rather
lose everything so that it makes him out to be a much worse victim that he is.
 But he isn't a victim.  He's not using his brain at the moment.
 Again -- I get his I don't feel like I can come home because I don't want
to go to jail speech, etc...

While at my father in
laws house, my father in law first started in telling me how crappy our
daughter was during her visit.  I later found out that grandpa had told
her the she was going to lose her home and that he dad was too confused to take
care of her very well and her mom sucks as well so she should be taken away
from us and given to him to finish rising. So, yes, this put my daughter in a
foul mood.  And this was not the first time
he has let into anyone about how crappy of a person they are.  He has told me how crappy I am on several occasions
before.  This time was no different.  He starts by letting into me about how crappy
I was for calling the police on my husband and he tells me that I can forget my
husband ever coming home because of it.  He tells me that my husband still
loves me, but I pretty much need to pack up and go on my own separate way
because I am alone now.  He then tells my husband he needs to pull his
head out of his rear end and go and get the divorced paper work started.
 He said either do that or get your crap and move back home and stop with
this B.S. game.  Now that part I agreed with.  My husband said he was
scared to come home and my father in law then asked me if I could guarantee
that I wouldn't call the police again.  I asked him if he could guarantee
my husband that no one else he gets involved with is not going to call the
police on him?  This pissed my father in law off.  I just flat out
told my father in law that if my husband was willing to put in the effort we
could have a marriage, but since he isn't willing to then he deserves the
results.  If we lose our house it won't be because I didn't try.  It
will be because there was no support from anyone and my husband refused to try.
 I shocked everyone with the way I talked to my father in law.  I
didn't back down yet I didn't get upset.  We talk on the way home while
our daughter is asleep in the back seat and my husband tells me that he does
love me, but he doesn't know what he is doing yet.  He reminds me again of
how he can only focus on his court stuff.  

Here we are close to the
end of the 9th month and I am no closer to answers than when I was first able
to talk to my husband about our marriage and where we are heading.  Only
now I have found out that my husband has been paying to use dating sites and
various porn sites again.  He’s been on
them nearly every day since he was forced from our home.  When I spoke
with him about the sites he denied it just like he did before.  Only this
time I told him he doesn't need to lie because his daughter saw it on his
computer in his apartment.  He still denies it to my face.  I let a couple
of days go by and I am just sitting on this.  

We invite him to dinner
with us as our daughter hasn't seen him in almost two weeks.  He answers
the invitation nearly 3 hours after it was made. By this time we had waited two
hours and then went to dinner and we were paying when he contacts me.  He
asked if we went and I told him yes and that we were paying and on the way
home.  He says Oh.  I don't hear from him again for another day
almost two.  

One of my husband's long
time friends from when he grew up calls me and wants to know how things are
going.  He has been pushing for us to get back together and make our
marriage work.  So, I tell him that I am upset.  I just got finished
with my counselor and she asked me how long I was going to stay in a one sided marriage.
 I told him about the dating sites.  I told him what my husband said
to me about not being on the sites, etc.  The friend comes to where my
daughter and I are at her class and he wants to talk to me.  He is telling
me not to worry about the sites, my husband loves me, B.S., more B.S. and more
B.S.  By this time my husband contacts me.  I let him know his friend
came by and we had a chat. I asked if he was coming to get our daughter or not.
 I never heard back from him that night. I am pretty sure it made him not
only mad but jealous as well that his friend was talking to me.  

A few days later when my
husband finally contacts me again he is telling me that he needs to use the
house as collateral for a 30 thousand dollar loan for his dad and I told my
husband he had better think again.  This is part my house and I am not
about to give it up so easily after being here alone and taking care of
everything by myself for nearly a year.  That's when I presented him with
the law that states he can't use the house unless I agree to it.  And I
don't.  He would need to go to a lawyer, sign papers stating that I give
up my part of the house and I am not about to do that. I told him to go and
file for divorce, stake claim to the house, pay me my share and I will go on my
merry way.  My share is more than 150 thousand dollars so I don't think
that is happening any time soon especially if they are this hard up for a 30
thousand dollar loan.  I told him that it is actually more my house now
that he has decided not to come back home and therefore his dad needed to find
another way to get this loan.  I then asked how my husband intended to get
this loan in the first place when he doesn't even have a steady job any more.
 My husband says - I never said I wasn't coming home.  I said then
when are you coming home.  He gives me the song and dance about not
feeling like he can come home.  I said - excuse or not, same difference.
 You aren't here, haven't been here, haven't made an attempt to be here -
it's the same no matter how you look at it.  

My husband must have been
having a really crappy day or something because he then starts going off on me
on this pity party that he throws for himself every now and again.  He is
telling me -- My wife wants me in jail so she can run off with my kid.  My
mom has nothing to do with me.  My dad only wants me for money and my
entire life is going down the drain.  I gave it right back to him and told
him that my husband is a selfish person who only thinks of himself and that I
was having a hard time feeling sorry for him because I was too busy feeling
sorry for myself.  My husband is MARRIED, which means not available whether
he lives in the same house as I do or not. And, if I am such a crappy person
then why doesn't he go and get his crap out of MY house where I live and go and
get the divorce paperwork started.  I'll accompany him just to give him
support.  I asked him why I would want to destroy my child by taking her
away from her dad.  Does he think I enjoy watching her fall apart all of
the time when he isn't around?  Does he think I take her to counseling
every week just for the joy of it?  I got tired of his pity party and told
him I would talk to him later that I needed to deal with other stuff at the
moment. I didn't speak to him for about four days.  I wasn’t going to
contact him ever again and just move on with life because I am growing tired of
this limbo game. 

Then he contacted me
because we were in the middle or a nasty storm.  He was calling to check
on the house and how our daughter and I were doing.  He called me every
day while the storm was going on.  I had to leave my work and go get our
daughter and take her to work with me. He was worried I would lose my job for
leaving and coming back.  He was worried we didn't have enough food or
supplies and so he was trying to guide me into what to buy etc.  Since he
couldn't leave his work I bought two of everything he told me to get. That way
he would be taken care of as well. The weekend came and he wasn't nearly as
concerned about us because we were safe at home and I was sending him pictures
and updates of what was going on at the house, the yard, etc. The day my
daughter returned to school my husband called me and texted me the entire day.
He was looking for updates as to whether or not I was safe etc.  I drive a
ways from home for my work so he wanted to make sure I could get back home, get
our daughter, etc. Some of the areas I work in were flooded and evacuated so he
was concerned about my safety.  That is what he told me any way. 

Now comes more days of no
contact from him.  He's been busy trying to do the last of his court work
so I tried to stay out of his way.  We met this last week to talk about
how much time he needed in order to finish his community service hours and I
agreed to take care of our daughter while he did this.  We agreed on
Friday afternoon I would get our daughter from school and bring her to his work
so they could leave from there and go swimming.  This would cut out a lot
of driving because I was already near her school and was heading out to work
near my husband's work. I get to his work and he is nowhere to be found.
 I text him.  I call him.  I email him.  Nothing.  I
bring my daughter home with me and I start finishing up with my work.  I
am sitting having problems with my computer and internet so it was taking
forever.  Around 10 or I don't know what time it was, close to bedtime I
know that, he calls me, leaves a message and asks me to call him back.
 Then I get a text from his dad and the dad's girlfriend asking if I had
talked to him.  I sent a message back and said no.  They hadn't heard
from him either and they had tried harder than I did to get in touch with him.
I explained I was trying to finish up my work and I would get back to them if I
did hear from him again or if I talk to him.  I asked them to let him know
that my dance group was doing a benefit performance the following night and I
left a ticket for him at the box office.  

When I finished my work
around 2am I sent him a text saying I was sorry that I didn't call.  I
explained I was having issues with internet, working till I got done, and that
hopefully he has a good night.  The next morning I get up and take our daughter
to her karate belt test.  She and I go to lunch.  We went to this
place to make bracelets for my performance later that evening.  I tried to
call him but got voice mail.  I heard not a word from my husband. I didn't
try to contact him any more either.  His dad starts calling me.  The
dad's girlfriend is calling me.  No one knows where my husband is.  I
was already slightly irritated by the conversation from a few days ago.
 Now he has stood me up after I went out of my way to help him to see his
daughter.   I am just a mess of emotions at this point in time.  I
didn't know if my husband would show up at the performance or not.

I got my daughter and my
husband's friend seated and a couple of other people I had invited seated and
went to the area I needed to be in until the performance.  During the
first performance is when I realized my husband had showed up.  I went off
stage at the end of the dance and cried. My dance team already knew what was
going on so they were supportive.

Second dance, I notice he
had moved seats and was sitting with our daughter and his friend. After the
performance I went to say thank you to everyone who showed up for me and I could
hardly look at my husband. I could hardly talk to him.  I was happy to see
him there, but at the same time I was hurting.  The announcer is married
to one of my friends that I dance with and he had said some really nice things
about his wife.  It hurt so bad to know that my husband doesn't feel that way
about me anymore, but he used to.  Used to not care what anyone thought or
said and now he listens to anyone and everyone who talks -- can't see the real
facts in front of his face because he has this cloud of B.S. hanging over his

Sigh...I made my words
kind of short and meaning full and said good night to my daughter as she was
going home with her dad for the night.  I couldn't stick around.  The
tears were starting again and I had to get out of there.  I cried myself
to sleep for the first time in months and the pain hasn't lightened up any
today.  I don't know what to do any more.  I know three things right
now - I am have a job that pays well.  I am taking care of business like
there is no tomorrow.  And I haven't a clue as to what my future is going
to look like.  My husband has 4 months left on the lease to his apartment,
but I don't think he is going to come home when that runs out.  He hasn't
even started making plans for how to deal with his loss of income other than to
tell our daughter and I that we are going to lose a lot of stuff if I can't
afford to pay for it.  If he gave up his apartment and helped me with a
couple of the bills our home wouldn't be lost and we would actually be okay.
 But there is no way it will happen if we are paying the mortgage, the
rent, etc.  Why do we give up everything while he gets to pay for dating
and porn sites?  Sigh... 

Sorry it's so long and drawn
out, but this is actually the abridged version of everything.  I am so
lost.  I can't get him to commit to divorce.  I haven't gotten the famous
I love you but I am not in love with you speech.  He won't come home.
 One person says go and divorce him to make his see the light.  One
person says kill him with kindness.  One person says leave him alone for
several weeks and make him come to you.  One person says make your
presence known and don't let him forget you.  I don't know what to do.
 If anyone can wrap their head around all of this and make sense of it, I
sure would appreciate some help.  All of the professionals that I am working
with are just as baffled by my husband as I am.  I am taking some of the
classes that my husband has had to take as ordered by the courts, but mine are
not court ordered.  I am trying to learn how to work with him and be on
the same page with him as far as communication styles and skills, but I tell
you even the director of my husband's classes is baffled by his words and his
actions.  Nothing matches up and no one has a clue.  Please help with
advice if you can.  My family is worth the effort and I am in this for the
long haul. Just not sure when enough is enough.  

September 23, 2013
6:58 am
Forum Posts: 271
Member Since:
September 5, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Your story, my story it's all the same. It starts out with what appears to be a loving relationship then ends up with someone ending it. The professionals spend a minimum of 6 years in college plus years of supervised clinical experience before they can practice on their own. With that being said they have seen it all and heard it all and things far worse. What professionals can't wrap their heads around are people who go to them seeking out advice for other peoples problems as opposed to getting help for their own. It's not about what is wrong with our spouses, kids, parents, misc. people it is about what is broken with us and what we need to do to be fixed and whole. The worst part about all of this is when children are involved. While we are trying to figure out their fathers, mothers, or our spouses we are neglecting them because there is no way we can put them first and deal with someone elses BS at the same time it is simply impossible. And that is what baffles people is why we are neglecting ourselves and our children to deal with a full grown adult who is perfectly capable of dealing with their own issues. For some people getting cheated on is enough for others, getting beat up by their spouse is enough for others it's never enough and sadly enough they wind up 6 feet under in these situations. The day that  your power to love yourself and your child becomes more important than your power to try and control your husband you will begin to make progress. If the professional that you are seeing can't wrap their head around your situation then you might want to find one that does.

January 11, 2014
1:15 am
Forum Posts: 13
Member Since:
January 4, 2014
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have to agree with the poster above. Your story is very sad espectially because theres a child involved but you have to give that child a strong mother to look up to, and be the mother they need. AKA leave someone that hits, cheats, abuses you then treats you like a queen the next moment only to do it all over again.


Honestly i think you are also at fault here, your not exactly blocking his advances toward you, and your even making psyhical invitations that its ok to cross boundries that from a WHILE BACK in your story should NEVER have been allowed to be crossed again after what he did to you.


He may have issues but as long as your continuing to do what your doing, he will suck you back in and make you emotionally unstable and (basically the way you are now) time after time. By allowing him to continuosly cross boundries, you confirming that he can keep playing thee games AKA cheating, hitting, whatever because he doesnt HAVE to respect you anymore. Your his doormat as long as this relationship continues period. there should be no discussion between the two of you outside of what is best for you children.

January 11, 2014
5:54 pm
Forum Posts: 271
Member Since:
September 5, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Amen sista!

February 18, 2014
9:11 pm
Forum Posts: 572
Member Since:
February 9, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The question now is do you think your marriage is still worth saving for? Your decision lies on what you think is best for both of you and your children. Like you said even the Professionals weren't able to wrap things up for you BUT have you tried figuring it out just the 2 of you? I mean was there any mutual action while trying to fix your relationship? The most important thing here is how both of you overcome your problems as husband and wife as a means of saving your marriage to work and last and if it's not the way it works then it will not really work for both of you. For now, just think of your children and their future. Do what is right for you and your children. That's it.

February 20, 2014
1:27 pm
finding nemo
New Member
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 22, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This marriage is absolutley worth saving and I did do what I thought was best for all of us.  I am more than happy to report that I did not give up and I was able to find the right person with the experience to understand our circumstances.  He has been a godsend to our family.  He is helping us to work through things.  We are working on things slowly - every day we are both working hard, learning and growing.  Most importantly we have both learned to recognise areas that we are weak in and / or that we need  help in.  We have learned to set boundaries and we are respectful of the boundaries.  We no longer have the toxic friends and / or circumstances in our life.  Nothing has been easy - but it has been more than worth it.  My family is beginning to thrive again and we have a bright future ahead of us.  My family has been extremely lucky. We owe a lot to the gentleman that we are working with.   

February 21, 2014
7:03 pm
Forum Posts: 271
Member Since:
September 5, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

finding nemo said:

This marriage is absolutley worth saving and I did do what I thought was best for all of us.  I am more than happy to report that I did not give up and I was able to find the right person with the experience to understand our circumstances.  He has been a godsend to our family.  He is helping us to work through things.  We are working on things slowly - every day we are both working hard, learning and growing.  Most importantly we have both learned to recognise areas that we are weak in and / or that we need  help in.  We have learned to set boundaries and we are respectful of the boundaries.  We no longer have the toxic friends and / or circumstances in our life.  Nothing has been easy - but it has been more than worth it.  My family is beginning to thrive again and we have a bright future ahead of us.  My family has been extremely lucky. We owe a lot to the gentleman that we are working with.


Is the gentleman that you are working with a licensed mental health professional? Do tell. 

February 21, 2014
8:52 pm
finding nemo
New Member
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 22, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would be delighted to tell.   He is a licensed mental health professional and he is also the director of the prevention program that the courts ordered my husband to attend.  As long as my husband was in the classes we were not allowed to have any kind of counseling together and we were not allowed to work together in any type of classes either.  This made even marriage building seminars out of the question.  The key to our success is two major things - one, we were both receiving individual counseling while he was in his classes.  This allowed us a chance to separately figure out who we are, what we want, and what we are willing to put up with -ie. where boundaries needed to be put in place, etc...We learned to give ourselves a voice and how to listen to each other in a whole new way.  And two, I was given the opportunity to attend prevention classes just like the ones my husband was attending.  I met with a different instructor / group than my husband.  I felt it was necessary to understand the types of things he was learning so that we would both be on the same page.  I figured it would be benefical to me even if we did not remain married.  Then, as soon as he graduated from his classes and we were given the okay to attend counseling together we went to the director and asked him if he would be willing to work with us to help us figure out if we should save the marriage or separate for good. The program director also instructs anger management classes and he counsels both individuals, groups, couples and families.  We thought this would be the best person to work with being that he was already working with my husband and he has more than 30 years of experience in dealing with our kind of situation.  He is tough on us.  He gives us homework that we take home and complete as individuals. Once that homework is completed, we come together and we talk about it.  It is amazing how far you can get when you spend even just a few moments a day talking to your partner- sharing your thoughts, your hopes, your dreams and your fears.   Because we have both been through the classes we have key words and phrases that we have learned to use that allow each other to know when one of us is getting overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, etc.  An area that needed a lot of work and we are still working on is getting past the old issues.  Instead of trying to solve them all at once, we started with just one.  Once we felt we had a better handle on the issue, we would then move to the next issue and work through it until we thought we had a better handle on that issue, etc.  We have a discussion and if we can't solve the issue, we take a break and then we come back to it and we try again.  We have become conditioned to take the time to think about what your partner is thinking and feeling and trying to put yourself in their place so that you get a better understanding of what they are saying / doing.  It's not as easy as it sounds because you have to first deal with any kind of anger / fear that you might have.  You have to deal with yourself first.  Then you can come back as a couple and focus on the issue.  As you can see, we have had to make a lot of changes in our thoughts and our behaviors.  We are still the same people, we simply interact in ways that keep the positive as a focus which makes it easier to deal with the negative.  We made a promise to each other that we were dedicated to  teaching our daughter better ways to be heard and how to better get your wants and needs met other than resorting to being angry and allowing things to get out of hand.   We have a long way to go but we are dedicated to getting there together.  There was a point in time when I started to doubt we would ever get to where we are now but thankfully here we are - learning, growing, and thriving.  

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