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Need Advice - Biological Kids vs Someone Else's
October 13, 2014
9:59 pm
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Member Since:
October 13, 2014
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In general, I'm hoping to get advice on how to deal with the topic of deciding on the need to have one's own biological children versus being okay with someone else's children for my family.

For context, I'm a 42 yr old man, and for the past 7 months have been dating a 36 yr old single mother of a 10 yr old son and a 2 yr old daughter (she also was an IVF surrogate of twins for another family 4-5 years ago). She had her tubes tied after her last child, but for the first half of our relationship she was on-board with having another child between us, either through IVF or having a tied tube reversal. This of course made me happy as we could get married and have a great family of 5 between us, and one of those children would be from my own bloodline, which completely satisfied me. Great!

Over time, she slowly backed off from having another child, until she reached a point where she says if forced to make a decision right now, then No, not another child, and even down the road probably not. She has decided to move forward with a tummy tuck operation (which would mean if we were to have kids it would need to be through IVF), as well as breast augmentation surgery (which means no breast feeding if we were to have a child, which she is very much against). Essentially, she is now 99% sure she doesn't want another child.

We had been talking marriage, family, and future together, but with this latest development, our relationship has been on the rocks, on and off, while we tried to figure out whether there was a way to reconcile the issue. Now, she's told me that I either need to be 100% on-board with not having another child and we can move forward together, or we need to go our separate ways.

So, that throws me into a predicament (not to mention puts all the pressure on me). Before, I just knew I wanted a family, and I didn't need to consider whether I wanted my own biological child because she was willing to do it. Now, I love her and her kids very much, her kids, especially her daughter, and I have bonded well, and I could see us being a great family together. But in terms of me having my own biological child, I'm not sure what I want. I've always thought it necessary to carry on my bloodline and my family name, but I also know these two kids are in major need of a father/father figure in their lives, and I would feel guilty not being there to help provide it to them.

Because I'm 42 it's not like I have all the time in the world to leave my girlfriend and search for someone new. I'd hate to leave a great thing in search for something better, some holy grail, only to not find anything better, or worse yet, never have any kids or family as a result.

I know this is a personal choice, but I honestly cannot decide right now what it is I should do. Do I make a family with the woman and her two kids that I love, or should I break it off and search for someone else to start a family with kids of my own?

Any thoughts or advice that any of you might have to offer would be hugely appreciated!

October 19, 2014
9:58 am
Forum Posts: 1134
Member Since:
January 18, 2012
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I think that if you and this woman & her children & you do well together & if you truly love her & her children, you are doing a blessing to stay together and give her a caring husband & a good role model & Dad.  Having  biological children of your own does not ensure compatibility of a family unit, nor do you have any assurance that whomever you meet next will even be able to have children with you.  At 42, having a brand new baby is not that easy & have you ever taken care of an infant? Why walk away from what sounds like a very good situation for so many people when you seem quite content as do the other people/children involved.  I can tell you with a fair bit a assurance that I have met many adopted grown people who had so many wonderful opportunties because two people who could not have children adopted them & loved them way stronger than any biological parent ever would.  Since the woman that you love is a single parent, if you really are willing to pursue parenting these children & taking very good care of her, then you are in my eyes a man who is worthy of much happiness & respect.  Just keep in mind that being a good husband and a good parent is a full time job & it's an enormous responsibility.  Decide as quickly as possible if you are really willing to have this precious gift of a famiy & understand that if you want this, it really is for better or for worse.  These children have had you in their lives, please don't just stick around unless you intend to stay.


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