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My gf talks to other guys and I dont know how to deal with it any more
August 4, 2014
4:34 pm
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jfbco077
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Hello, I am 24 years old, my girlfriend is 22. We've been together for 2 years now. I am living at her parents' house since the beginning of July and until end of August. Every now and then she talks to one man that she meet from her martial arts group. She and I know that some of these guys show interest on her. Right now she is talking to one that expressly told her that he liked her. These guys usually talk to her calling her "my angel", or "my baby", or other cheesy names. I already let her know that this situation is bothering me and told her to do something about it. She said she would, but this is not the first time so I am not trusting her any more. She usually tries to hide her conversations with them from me and this lead me to ask her who is she talking to and about what (which I hate doing, but I don't feel respected). She said she's been trying and I believe in her, just feel like it is not enough. This translates into worse situations which I know she would not like me to tell you right now, but I feel powerless when these occur and I feel like it can happen again. Today we got into an ugly argument and she does not want to listen that she is not trying anymore, while everything I say she takes it personally. I am saying all that she tells me and we agree on, I know it is hard for me to not be bias in a situation like this, but I'm trying my best. I am an international student trying to save money for college, transferred from Brazil and I can't afford to pay for a visit. But I really love this woman and I know she loves me, to the point of planning on having kids and marrying in the future. Please help us.

August 5, 2014
5:02 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Thank you for posting & I understand that you must be feeling a little uncomfortable with your gf and her communications with other guys.  Has your gf ever spoken to you about not being happy in your current relationship together?  I mean it seems particularly peculiar that if she was trying to lose you for one of these other guys that she would openly tell you about it & try to find solutions together to make them stop flirting with her.  Do you think that these guys are real or perhaps your gf is looking for more of your attention by pretending that others find her attractive?  The both of you are quite young, but you seem to believe that she is the woman that you would like to spend the rest of your life with and have a family with.  Have you told your gf how you feel?  Does she feel the same way about you?  If you guys have spoken together about a concrete future together, then maybe it might be time to make some kind of real commitment to each other like engagement leading to eventual marriage.  If your gf wants what you want, then giving her the clearest indication should solve her problems with these real or imagined guys & their flirting because now, she can tell them with assurance that she has already decided to share herself with only one man & that she would appreciate some respect in her decision.  If she wants to have a purely platonic relationship with some of these guys, they must respect her for having a bf & if they try to upset your union together, then they are not being true friends & she should drop them.

 

One Day

August 6, 2014
7:43 am
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jfbco077
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She's never spoke about not being happy. She's always missed having friends, so she talks to anyone that gives her some attention, even though she does have friends, but she can't express her feelings to these friends, so she could never develop a true friendship with any of them. On top of all she is afraid of ending up without friends because of me. But I just ask for respect from these guys, if they want to be her friends for real then they must respect our relationship just the way you put. She never stopped talking to anyone because of me, and I've never tried to do that, it is the opposite actually. But, for example, the guy that she is talking to right now, she just met him once and she says it is fun to talk to him, I understand that, but she shouldn't give him so much attention as she does, she shows that she wants him to talk to her and that gives the guy other thoughts that for her are not dangerous. She is not pretending anything, she feels like nobody would like to be her friend because her self-steem is pretty low, but with me she is another person. I've told her how I feel and she feels the same way about me, she thought about living with me and building a life together, but she doesn't want to make me sad anymore. But for me, all that she's done so far can't be compared to something like this, that's why I can't understand what is the big deal. I jsut ask her to give limits to these guys, they shouldn't be a problem. I know she wouldn't cheat on me, but I am afraid of worse things can happen to her at the martial arts events she goes by herself. She says she doesn't know how to make things better, she knows she is wrong, she understands my side, she doesn't want to be seeing as needy or not being respected, but that is what happens at this place, this Brazilian martial arts is a rough environment which is headed by some people who were raised in tough environments, some are even ex drug dealers or thieves. So I am damn worried about them. She just can't give limits because she is afraid of losing all friends because of me, which does not make sense in this situation. I'm sure they are not being true friends, and I don't blame her for wanting to have friends, but friendships are not built with interest and there is definintely not a good place to look for one. I know there are exceptions, but she already felt really bad and bad things happened to her. I know some of them, and none of the ones that want true friendships talk so much to her. She feels like no one comes to talk to her due to her accomplishments in the game, and I don't want to jump into conclusions, but I don't think she can distinguish real friendships from interest. Typing this right now brought me to a conclusion. If she value and can be more open with the true friends she knows she can count with, she won't feel like she doesn't have any and won't have the need to look for new ones. Therefore, true friendships will be built naturally. I hope you or anyone else have more words of advice for this. Thank you.

August 7, 2014
5:46 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I am going to assume that there are only males at the group she goes to for martial arts?  Your situation is tricky in that it is her issue with lack of self esteem that she really ought to deal with perhaps with a therapist. I am also concerned because you mentioned that she feels she makes you sad?  Continually searching for these male friendships to validate herself is problematic even if you were not in her life.  If it is only being friendly with her martial arts group as being part of a group where of course you praise one another for your efforts, then it would be a very natural approach.  What you have posted though is that she wants to make long term close friendships with these guys, and her reasoning is that while she has a relationship with you as a girlfriend she risks losiing friendships.  Her point is well taken, but because of her lack of self esteem  she might be unable to discern the intent of some of these guys?  I mean I do not know them myself & you are just telling me that you are concerned because of their troubles in the past & maybe present time.  Is it only at the group when she sees them?  Has she eluded to wanting to extend her friendship with them outside of the group setting?

All this aside, does your gf feel she has low self esteem?  Why can she not express her true feelings to her existing friends?  If you ask her & she says that she feels she does lack self esteem, maybe you could get her to go & see a therapist to help her feel better about herself.  She should have a group of friends.  In fact the two of you as a couple can & should try to form friendships with other couples if you so desire.  Being together & alone all the time will eventually be boring.  Martial Arts is great both for physical & mental strength.  Have you ever thought of joining the group or finding another kind of sport for you & your gf to do together?

 

Start to think of things you might be able to do together where you both will meet other couples who have strong and trusting relationships & maybe your gf will make some female friends instead of male ones or at least male friends that are connected to both of you, that you both feel are honourable.

 

I forgot to ask you, do you have both female & male friends outside of your gf?   Have you introduced them to her?

I think in a relationship between a guy & a girl there is always the fear that a friend or aquaintance of the opposite sex will somehow feel the need to destroy something that they see as joyous or simply want what is already not theirs for the taking.  I have seen it happen many times.  I think you do trust your gf & you said she would never cheat & I hope you are the same.  If eventually the two of you continue to have special times together & with other friends & family, you might consider making your relationship official.  Just remember, in life there are no guarantees.  The recipe for a long lasting union is not written down in any book.

 

One Day

August 7, 2014
9:00 am
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jfbco077
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No, there are not only males in the group, mostly are, but she hasn't done the same thing with girls in the group, these girls sure could help her deal with it. The only ones who come talk to her are the ones who have some interest on her, I know a lot of these guys from Capoeira (the name of the  martial art) and the ones that show respect for us become my friends too. I try to go with her to Capoeira when I can and she likes it, but I can't join due to a problem on my knee. We are going to see a therapist this weekend. I'm aware of the problematic situation and even not as her partner I am worried about it. I am not only concerned because of their past, I am concerned beacuse bad things already happened to her in Capoeira. It is not only one group that you see everyday like at work, there are different groups at different places that join randomly for big and small events, so completely unkown people most of the time. In her group specifically, all are our friends, even if some new face appears and just pretend to be, he/she will respect us. So she meets with these guys only on Capoeira events, but the Capoeira events sometimes lead to sleepovers and parties, in those is where reside the danger. No, she wouldn't extend her friendship with these specific men outside of the group setting.

She feels she has low self-esteem and she already told me. She doesn't know why she cannot express her true feelings, she thinks they will see her as pathetic and emotional. About doing some sport together, we joined the gym a couple of weeks ago and we are following a diet and a program together. We haven't had contact with any couple so far, I'll keep a lookout for it. Thank you, this might really help.

She knows pretty much all my friends from Brazil and from here, but my friends that were here left and the rest is in Brazil. So the best would be finding new people which is not hard for me.

I apreciate your time and care. The solution about finding other couples seems great for us. Please reply if you have any more thoughts. Thank you again.

August 8, 2014
3:29 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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It sounds like you have things thought through.  I still do not understand about this Club.  It's not my business though.  I think people have their own reasons as to why they do the things they do and I am not going to judge your involvement with this Club or your girlfriends.  If it is possible to not associate with people who might be doing things that are dangerous perhaps or jeopordize your saftey, then I reccomend you dissassociate yourself from them.

I hope you and your gf take good care of each other & I am happy that you are thinking about ways to do new things together away from the club.

 

One Day

August 8, 2014
9:55 am
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jfbco077
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Thank you again. Your help is very welcome. I will try for new things, but she mentioned not stopping the martial arts but stepping back from some of the events. I will let you know how things go after the therapist tomorrow. Thank you.

 

All the best

August 9, 2014
5:22 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I think it's great that the two of you are negotiating a road together.  I believe that all human relationships can be strengthened and problems can be realized as opportunities for exceptional growth not further distance.  Communication is the key.  The desire to want to do whatever it takes (less violence), by both people shows that you are willing to risk exposing your demons to protect what the two of you are working hard to keep sacred.  I want you to realize that even though your gf might not be willing to accept your opinion, she is willing to try to mediate a solution that hopefully will strengthen both of you together as a couple. This is hard work for both of you.  It shows enormous courage.  I respect both of you for honoring one another.  Sometimes in a relationship only one side is willing to try & that is shameful for the other partner. 

 

One Day

October 4, 2014
1:48 am
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PDan
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I enjoyed reading your story, I am glad that your relationship with your girlfriend got stronger. I really agree one oneday communication is the key to a good relationship, also working out your differences.

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