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Looking into the past for answers
January 24, 2013
3:41 am
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Love And Music
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January 24, 2013
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i just wrote a 5 page novel and deleted it then decided to write this because im afraid of judgement...

 

i am extremely confused.  i grew up in an abusive household, and then was in an 8 year abusive relationship,,,and now i can't move on.

 

my current boyfriend is understanding to a point but its hard to tell now whats right or wrong.  i feel like a lot is my fault, but im not sure.

 

i think their are two sides to each story.  put it this way though, it was devastating.  i almost died a few times through the abuse. (ex)...and now im dealing with a lot of emotional rollercoaster feelings.  im getting older, and my whole family has re brutally been damaged because of a past travesty.  (dont wanna go in detail but it has nothing to do with me...well of course it does its my family but u get tha drift)

 

i know i have to see someone, im old enough to know that...but does anyone relate to this on a deep level not some kid stuff.?

 

i hate to feel bad for myself, but i wallo in lonliness, i just want to be happy and feel loved.  I used to love myself sooo much, now i still love myself, cas deep down i know who i am, but then i second guess myself and think all of this was my fault, and i dont deserve my current boyfriend. but i feel like im so used to people not loving me that i may be unaware on how to be loved....or maybe im in another abusive relationship?  he calls me names and kinda uses my past shit i told him against me.  but fear is anger and hes a tuff love kinda guy, and he wants me to tuffen up a little.  never hit me in fact i smacked him once and he just put me in a head lock to calm me down.  and when i cry he grabs me and holds me, its like exactly the attention i always needed as fucked up as that seems.

 

help whats right...

whats wrong...

January 31, 2013
4:03 am
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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It must have been difficult for you to handle things right now especially from what you've experienced in the past. It might be best to consult a therapist/counselor that can help you overome those rollercoaster and complicated feelings. In order for you to move on, you need to accept the fact that you need professional help. You actually know all the answers to your questions but you're the only one hiding it within yourself and continue dwelling in the past causing you so much pain. Let it out and step out from the dark room you're currently in so you can breathe properly. Gather your strength because at the end of the day, only you who can help yourself the most and the decision is still yours. Wishing you well.

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