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Is this behavior acceptable considering the circumstances? (Sorry... long)
December 20, 2012
9:00 pm
New Member
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
December 20, 2012
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(Sorry it’s so long!) [posted this initially in general forum before realizing there was one for couples]

My boyfriend, Justin, and I have been together for a year and a half, and we live together. At first, everything was great; he was supportive, funny, warm, generous, and openly caring. He still has these qualities, but they’ve more or less faded into the background.

He has a situation with his ex… they had 2 kids together, had a very rocky relationship; she left him and they spent many months in court battling out the custody case. The agreement was that Justin got his boys on alternating weekend days (Saturday or Sunday) from 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. After we got together, I got to spend a lot of these weekends with them.

Over the course of time, his ex began making up lies about Justin molesting his boys (NEVER in a million years would that ever happen). She went to the police saying that one of the boys said something about Justin touching him inappropriately. An officer and a detective came to our place and, in spite of Justin having CPS documents stating that his ex’s claims were basically bullshit, they arrested him and took him to jail overnight (with no evidence).

After this, they went to court again to contest her request for a restraining order. She point-blank lied to the judge about Justin taking the boys far away the last weekend (we had not been able to see them in 3 weeks). The judge pretty much saw through that one and dismissed the case.

We got a couple more weekends with the boys, and then we found out they just left. She, her new husband, and the boys just moved without saying anything to anybody. We had no idea where they were.

As a result of not being able to find her, Justin has not been able to see his kids since March. We saw them briefly at the mall once, where Justin tried to get her number so he could contact her and try to work something out. She refused to comply and they walked away. Justin addressed the boys, but they acted like they didn’t even recognize him (they are 5 and 3 years of age).

Over time, since March even, Justin has been getting progressively more and more coldhearted. I can sort of understand why, but it seems like he doesn’t feel that life goes on after his children. (Not having children, I can sympathize and empathize, but not completely, which he has shoved in my face a lot when I have shown support).

A few months ago, he became extremely distant. He claimed that he wanted independence and the freedom to have fun with his buddies. A little before this, he sold his p.o.s. car, partially because it almost the end of its life anyway, and partially because we needed to pay rent. Because of this, I decided to let him use my car to get to work and back since I was going to be working from home. I guess in his mind, it became his car. If I mentioned that I didn’t want him going out somewhere to do something with his friends (because he was gone ALL the time) and putting wear and tear on my car, he always got supremely defensive and told me that I was being selfish. When he wanted to do something, like go play disc golf with one of his friends, and I wanted to use the car so that I could go do something outside the house (since I’m home all the time), he’d tell me to “go for a walk and get outside”.

He started pushing for his independence more and more. He got cold and distant, and he became even more secretive with his phone (he’s been screwed over in the past and keeps a password on his phone and his computer). I got this horrible feeling in my gut that maybe he was cheating on me. One day, we went out fishing with a couple friends and he left his phone in my car. I (for shame, I know) looked through his phone because I had to either confirm or dissipate this feeling like something was wrong. I opened his search history on his web browser, and the first thing that popped up was “I’m looking to hook up with a girl that’s ok that I’m cheating”. After this, I really didn’t want to look at anything else, but I noticed that he had been getting a lot of emails from craigslist from guys.

After speaking to a few friends about this behavior, I confronted him about it. He said that he had never cheated on me and never would. He said he was sorry he lied to me, and he was sad that we were at a point where neither of us trusted each other. We made up, apologized… and he changed the password on his phone.

One night, we got drunk with a few friends, and we were talking about the size of our respective areas of residency. I remembered him mentioning that he’d had a rather large apartment for relatively cheap once, so out of curiosity, I asked him how large it was. He told us, and then he said “Man, those were the good days… when I was single and didn’t have to answer to anybody.” Out of hurt, I said that he should go ahead and be single then. He said “Why are you being such a Bi***??” We went home, and the argument sort of escalated. He got to the point where he said “I want to f*** other women, and I feel like I should be able to say that without it being weird. I’m just being honest with you, baby.” Later, while he was sleeping, I cried because of what he’d said, and he woke up and asked me what was wrong. I told him, and he said “Oh yeah, I was being honest and then you got all weird about it.” I asked him why he was such an ass to me, and he said “Because you’re a bit fat fu***** bi***.” The next day, he just said that it was another stupid, drunken fight and that I shouldn’t be worked up over it.

For about the past month or so, Justin has been out of work (he’s a plumber, and work’s been really slow). Because of this, he and a few of his coworkers filed for unemployment in case of a fallout. While he was filling out the paperwork and going over the instructions, he asked me to help him understand it because he wasn’t getting it (very confusing). I told him what little I understood, and he told me that somebody else told him something different. He was still confused and asked me more vehemently to help him. I was about to say “I don’t understand this any better than you do”. But he cut me off, so when I said “I don’t-“ – Justin: “CARE?” Because he accused me of not caring, I decided that no, I did NOT care, and walked away.

Justin got a call from one of his friends asking if he could come live with us for a while as his job had just transferred him to our area and his girlfriend broke up with him, so he had nowhere else to go. I did not want somebody that I barely knew living with us, but Justin said that he felt that he owed him because of all the times that this friend let Justin stay with him when he and his ex broke up. So, now I’m contending with this lack of privacy as well.

A couple weeks ago, Justin went over to a friend’s house after work to help him work on his house. He had one too many drinks while he was there, but decided to come home anyway. On his way back to our place, JUST DOWN THE STREET from our apartment, he crashed into a parked car. Fortunately, nobody was hurt, but the police got involved. Because the police got involved and my car was not drivable, it had to be towed to our place and it cost me $200. This put us below what we needed to have for rent for this month. (We are also extremely far behind in bills, but rent needed to be taken care of.) I told him that he needed to stop making adolescent mistakes and grow up. He said “I know”.

After this incident, on top of everything else, there was a part of me that just couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. I went back home to California for a week. This gave me a lot of time to think about the relationship and talk to friends and family about it. I told my friends that I don’t want Justin driving my car after it’s fixed, and they agreed that I’m on a good path with handling him now and setting boundaries, but they also told me that nobody deserves to be treated that way, and that I need to be careful.

A couple nights ago, we had a conversation about how I was feeling (I’ve been snapping at him a lot lately), and I told him that I felt like he’d taken advantage of me and taken me for granted. He said that it never once crossed his mind that he was taking advantage of me for letting him use my car… he thought that I didn’t want to use it because I didn’t want him out of my sight (he thought I was being controlling).  

At this point, I’m wondering if his childishness and juvenile behavior will go away. He seems hell-bent on not experiencing personal growth so that he can be a good person. He continuously has knee-jerk reactions to what people say. It’s almost as though he expects everybody to abide by the Golden Rule, but it doesn’t apply to him… he can treat people however he wants, disrespectfully or otherwise, and it should be okay because he’s being honest. But the second somebody has a rebuttal for his behavior, it’s suddenly NOT okay for anybody else to be honest with him about how he’s treating them and coming off as an ass.

The second the world doesn’t bend to Justin’s will, he gets pissy and blames everybody else.

Is this behavior understandable because of what he’s been through? Is there a chance that he might grow, and I should stay? Or should I just cut my losses and leave?

Keep in mind that I wouldn’t still be with him if he didn’t make me happy on more than one level. I’m just very confused and emotionally torn. Cry

December 21, 2012
6:59 am
Forum Posts: 65
Member Since:
December 20, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Well let me commend you on your writing skills. You sound
very intelligent and I believe you see your situation in a realistic way. You
also seem to be on a different level with your expectations of the
relationship. He fights to maintain control in his world and when someone butts
up against it he acts out. Losing his kids feeds into this. He will tell
you things that are hurtful to put you back in your place. You may want to
consider cutting your losses and moving on. You do not deserve to be insulted
and called names. I believe you will see these outbursts on a regular base. In
the big picture looking over a year you will be on a rollercoaster of emotions
as you are now. It will be draining to you. You will struggle to achieve
stability in the relationship. I am thinking that you are young and have plenty
of time to reestablish your life. Ask yourself is this what I want from here on
out? Am I a part of his world as much as he is in mine? Is this what I deserve?
Will I be happy in the way I want to be? You’re not responsible for fixing him.
Waiting around for him to mature may not happen.

The other option is to clearly ask him what his expectations
are with your relationship. Does he want to just live together, get married or
none of the above? He needs to understand himself more as to “why I do”. Find a
counselor you both can go to. You’ll need a mediator.


December 21, 2012
7:47 am
Forum Posts: 572
Member Since:
February 9, 2011
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Sorry for what you've been through but I think you have the right to be mad since he's been acting irresponsibly after he lost contact with his children. His situation might be pitiful for a father longing for his kids and that's normal but that doesn't he has to abandon his other responsibilities especially to you and to other people. If he continues to be like that then no wonder his kids will really not recognize him. Is there a way for you to get some professional help for him? or a counselor that can help him with his problems? If you can do that then it's better and if not maybe you should give him time and space to realize and figure things out by himself. You also have your own life to take care so find your way to happiness as you deserve it. Hope that helps.

Wishing you well.

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