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How do you fix yourself when you acknowledge you are broken?
April 5, 2013
4:11 am
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startingoverin13
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April 5, 2013
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I know I'm broken.  I came from a horridly disfunctional family.  My father was physically abusive, so my mother left him.  I saw him maybe twice from age 7-29.  My mother was mostly verbally abusive, but I do recall a bloody nose or two from her hand as well.  

So it was no surprise that I married an abusive man at 17.   I stayed in that marriage for 16 years, because I felt like I had to.... you get married forever.   I had no self esteem and felt I wasn't worthy of anything better.   Then at 34 I got divorced.

 

At 36, I married husband number two.  He seemed to be the polar opposite of my first husband.  He was so kind, and loving and just fun to be around.... until he experienced some professional failure.  That is when his personality completely flipped.  Suddenly he was cold, degrading, isolating, and verbally abusive.  I had a child with him, so I felt like I had to stay.    Again, my self esteem hit an all time low.   We split up twice, but reconciled both times.  The last time, we attended counseling and he swore he would be a better man... and he was, for a little while.  Then the non-stop criticism started again, and again, I just took it... letting a little bit of me die inside each time.  This went on until a few weeks ago when I became suicidal.  All the times previously, I never contemplated anything because of my child.  Now the thought of enduring him every day was enough to make me consider it, despite of my child.  That is when I knew I had to make a change and I asked for him to move out.   He didn't argue at all.  He's been emotionally void in this marriage for years now.  I can't remember the last time he paid me a compliment (I almost feel like he will lose something personally if he does anything to make me feel good about myself) or the last time he truly acted like he cared.  When I was facing breast cancer, he replied "we can't afford treatment".... but I stayed, and I put up with it, because we have a daughter.   Then it dawned on me, I'm setting the bar for the treatment my daughter will accept from men in her future, and the thought of her thinking this is okay for her made me sick to my stomach... so I've decided to divorce. 

 

Here's my problem.... I feel like I'm nothing if I don't have attention from men.  I felt like nothing in my relationship with my husband because I never received any validation from him that I was in fact, something special, and now I feel compelled to run out and try to grab any mans attention possible, just to make me feel like "yes... you are worthy of love".    

 

My love from my mother always felt very conditional and my father (who is still alive) is very sporadic at best.  I think he's told me he loves me maybe twice or three times.   So I feel like, what is so broken in me that even my own parents couldn't love me.  

 

So needless to say, I know I'm messed up.  I know it comes from my childhood.   How on earth do I fix it, when I don't have the financial means for counseling.  I know right now I need to be alone and learn that I am enough... I get that... I just don't know how to start down that road.   What's crazy, is I know I'm a great person.  I have a great heart, I make people laugh all the time, I truly am a lot of fun.... so people assume I'm a happy person, but inside, I'm miserable 🙁 

April 5, 2013
12:39 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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StartingOver,

To me you are quite far from being broken in any way shape or form.  I think you have had a very hard life and as most of us quite a bit of dysfunction during your childhood.  Self esteem does partially come from our parents & the confidence we have in our selves is genuinely imprinted by the way they raise us when we are young because they are literally "our parents".

From what you disclose in your post about your life, you have made great strides to overcome whatever negative imprinting was given to you.  Parents cannot be blamed for forever & mostly they do try their best it seems except in some exceptional cases.  Nonetheless, we have no choice who are parents are.

From your story, I think it took you a long while to understand why you made poor choices with whom you decided to share your life, but you were quite young & likely trying to escape out of one bad situation unfortunately into another.  Perhaps it took a good long time, but you made the choice to divorce, right?

Two years later you tried again.  Was it truly your fault that you had a child with a man that you thought was right for you?  Did you cause him to fail professionally?  I think you know the answer.  He changed.  He took out his animosity on you.  You lacking tools in knowing that he was being abusive & wanting likely to keep the family that you have always wanted made you try to fight to get your husband to see that he needs to acknowledge his mistreatment of you as his wife & the Mother of his child.

Now here is the part of your writing in your post that  you need to repeat to yourself everyday: "Then, it dawned on me, I'm setting the bar for the treatment my daughter will accept from men in her future".

These words written by you should always be at the forefront of your every next move.  You have not only StartedOver, you have moved far far ahead of most people in your situation & you are far from broken!  You are thinking as a great Mom, a great person & you unlike many around you for the last many years have broken through a very difficult barrier by seeing that what your daughter needs around her is a strong sense of love as an example, a strong sense of respect shown to you by her Father or any man who may come into your life.

That is exactly what you deserve & what you need.  Don't try to grab anything.  Ask for what you need, & wait to receive it.  You are not messed up.  People messed with you, but you are fine. 

Everytime you are with a man or a person, keep that sentence about your daughter right at the front of your brain.  Whatever she deserves, remember you deserve it as well.

You do not need to spend any money girlfriend.  You are a great person, a smart, progressive person who has grown out of abuse.  Hold that dear heart of yours, make people laugh, have fun & be happy because you deserve to!!!SmileWink

 

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