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Help - am I a cheater, how to stop!
May 13, 2013
4:34 am
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laurap
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May 13, 2013
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I have been married for a year and a half. My husband is the most amazing person one can ever meet. He is intelligent, funny, very handsome, knows me on the inside out, and he is the only person who can make me feel on top of the world after a 5 min conversation. He is truly my best friend. Our sex life is great; he makes me very comfortable in bed, something I never had with any other guy. Plus we both take a lot of pleasure in giving, so we both love seeing the other person happy. However I have a lot of issues, I am very self conscious, and always felt like I wasn’t good enough for any guy. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to my weight and looks, and I care too much what people think. Plus I have had a lot of bad “relationships” with guys before my husband that really ruined my opinion about man and trust. When I was getting married I had a bad feeling that I might cheat. It had nothing to do with my feelings for my husband; it has more to do with my internal feelings about myself. I was offered to travel for work for 6 months. It was an amazing opportunity for my career and my husband was very supportive of it, since for a while I have been very unhappy with work. I have accepted the assignment, however it only added on to the feeling on cheating. There were about 6 of us who traveled for this assignment. I was the only one from US, people were from different countries. Majority of the people in the group were in relationships/ married. One night we all went out and got very drunk, in no point in time did I feel like I was flirting with one of the guys or leading him on. Since the whole time he was talking how much in love he is with his girlfriend, who he has been with for 10 years, and she was truly the only thing he talked about majority of the night. He ended up making a move on me, which at times I feel like maybe it was my fault, but I am very naïve when it comes to such signs, due to the fact that I am so self conscious when it comes to my looks. When he made a move I wasn’t very firm at rejecting him. I didn’t stop it right away, and then all I said that I was very tiered, and just wanted to sleep. Which in a way it was my way of not letting it to continue any further, but I know that in his eyes it probably didn’t seem that way. For the next week I was very anxious about what happened, at times I felt like I should have just let it happen, and that it wasn’t that big of a deal, but then I kept thinking how much it will hurt my husband. I saw my husband a week latter and I felt like being next to him brought my perspective back on track and I didn’t think about what happened as much. When I got back from seeing my husband, 2 days later, the group was planning to meet up again, however it ended up being just the two of us. We weren’t awkward with each other, and were not bringing up what happened at all. But ones we had a lot of alcohol in our system things started getting very weird, he started telling me a lot of personal stuff and how he was very happy that I am here. I mean part of me feels like he was feeding me a lot of bs, but I was pretty drunk to pay attention at the moment. When we left the bar, I had a feeling the night won’t end up good. I asked him about the other night, and why did he make a move on me, and weather I was leading him on. He told me he wasn’t the one who started it. When I asked what he meant by it, he didn’t reply. I asked him what kind of a drunk he is, and he answered horny. I went over to his place, which I know was a strike on my part, but I kept telling myself that he has two bedrooms, and I ll just sleep in the other bedroom, since my apartment was on the other side of town. When I came over it was clear to me that we will hook up. I asked him if he does this all the time, since he has a girlfriend, and he said no that it was first time, when I asked him why, he didn’t answer. We started making out but I stopped it before it got too far. I told him I can’t do this because if I do this I will have to get a divorce and I can’t get a divorce. What I meant by it is that I will never be able to trust myself again therefore I won’t be able to put my husband through something like this, but it might have not come out the right way. After that he said that he is very embarrassed and I went to the spare bedroom, spend the night and left the next morning without really saying a word to each other. We have been professional at work, but inside I can’t stop thinking about what happened, and part of me wants it to happen again. I am a strong believer that once a cheater, always a cheater, but I don’t know if I want to put myself into that category. I am just looking for you oppinions on how to stop my self from becoming a cheater? I dont think I want to tell my husband about this, but if I dont will I live with this guilt for the rest of my life?
May 13, 2013
2:23 pm
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counseling2transform
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Hey Laurap,

Kudos to your courage in being honest about what has been happening and to holding yourself accountable for the choices you are making.

 

I think your lack of love for yourself (including how you look) will  have consequences- not just in your life and in your marriage.  Your lack of self esteem will impact the choices you make including any decision to stray from your husband's love.   Is it possible that that is what you are doing- consciously choosing to stray from your husband's love?     I wonder if there is a connection between your self-esteem and the way you may set yourself up to sabotage your marriage and any possibility for love?  Can you possiby deserve the kind of love that your husband offers?  Are you worthy of the love he feels for you? If you do not believe that you are worthy or loveable, you may find ways unconsciously to prove that you aren't. That will be unfortunate. Because the truth is that until you know you are worthy, beautiful, phenomenal and loveable....you may always look to prove what you do know.

I would want you to make the decision- to stray or not- by being conscious of what your motivation is.  (Unfortunately, alcohol renders you unconscious or at the least, a bit hampered to make a loving decision).  In other words, what is your intention to stray? Be brutally honest with yourself.  What ever your answer- it can provide a gold mine of issues to be addressed.   

 

So dear Laurap, you life is offering you a choice...choose wisely.

 

jthornt54Smile

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