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Fear of Commitment or Incompatibility
June 25, 2011
12:18 pm
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Abby34
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June 25, 2011
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Sorry this is long. But how do you know if the doubts you are having is
because of trust/abandonment issues, or actual incompatibility?

Ok
so here is the deal I had a rough life. I was sexually abused as a
toddler, I don't remember by who I just have memories of it happen. From
what my sister and brother have said it was my father. Then from the
age of 10-14 I was sexually, physically, and mentally abused by my
brother. Then found out at the age of 16 that my brother went to my
parents for help just a few months after he started abusing me, and they
did nothing to get him help, and let the abuse continue. As an adult I
fell in love with a guy he left me for his ex and got engaged to her
with in just a month of breaking up with me. Several bad relationships
later I found Mike. We had a great relationship we never fought we were
together all the time. Almost 3 yrs into our relationship we got
engaged. Over a year after he told me he didn't think he loved me and
wasn't sure that he ever did. Needless to say I was crushed. We
remained friends for several years after. He was my best friend until
the day he died of a massive heart attack suddenly. I was more crushed
over his death then I was our break up. Anyway after we broke up I did
go on a few dates, but I never clicked with them.  I ended up beomg single for 7 yrs.

So that is my really messed up history. I
know I obviously have trust issues, and issues with letting people
close, and have subconscious fears, and all the other fun fears that
comes with betrayal and abuse.

Now after my relationship with my ex I really evaluted our relationship.  We basically lived seperate lives I would do my thing he would do his thing.  He was very sedetary and I am not. We did things together, but only when other people were involved, not so much alone as a couple.  I decided at that time that I wanted someone more active.  I also wanted someone that would do things with me.   My ex was also not very attentive to me, at least not when others where around. When other people were around I was none existent to him.  He wouldn't even look at me for hours.  I also determined that is something I wanted.   Because of the way my ex died health is also a deal breaker for me.  I need someone that is going to be health concious for my health and theirs.  I also need someone that is an animal lover.  I adore animals have a degree as a vet tech.  I have literally spent 1,000's on my animals at a time to when they were injured or sick.  A person that isn't an animal lover isn't going to understand that mentality. 

 

So anyway I've been on dating sites for several years, but never found anyone.  Then last november this guy nudges me.  His profile sounded interesting but he said he was heavy.  So I say look you seem interesting but here is what happened to my friend, and this is what I need.  He writes me back ensures me he eats healthy and exercises.   We get to talking she says he really likes animals but it allergic to them, but can work with his allergies and isn't to concerned.   We continue to talk for a couple of weeks, then start chatting on the phone, eventually meet, then start dating.  And really started spending time with him #1 other then my parents who have serious medical issues but don't address him, he is the most unhealthy person I know.  He puts salt on everything, is morbidly obese, has sleep apnea, has severe asthma that is treats by abusing over the counter primatine mist.  Then he abruptly stopped working out because he has an old back injury that acts up during the winter.  Then he started drinking pop all the time, eating fast food constantly but per him it was a phase.  I mentioned his health to him constantly it was my biggest concern.  In the winter I'm somewhat sedatary so I didn't mind.  I was waiting until spring because he said his back is only bad when it snows.  Spring came I asked him to go for walks with me.  He always came up with an excuse and never did.  My walks are 3/4 of a mile long I have a 9.5yr old severely arthritic dog that I walk.   When I got serious about loosing weight for 3 weeks straight everyday he would ask me "I'm stopping at <insert fast food place's name here> Did you want anything?"  I'd tell him no I'm on a diet.  I want someone to support a healthy lifestyle not someone that is going to try to sabotage it.  All this time he saying he wants me to move in and such.   And every month he would tell me he couldn't go to the doctors yet because he didn't have enough money.  Yet he had money to got to the movies weekly ($35/week - $20 for the tickets and $15 on the pop and popcorn he bought), not to mention the fast food everyday, and the liter of pop a day at least that he drank.  And in May I just flat out told him look I'm not comfortable moving forward with this relationship because of your health.   Then he eased my mind and said how he is now mentally ready to change.   How he is going to start playing a sword fighting game (yes seriously) with his friends and will get a lot of exercise that way at least once a week.  And how he was going to clean up his diet and get to the doctors.  I thought to myself ok I will give him 2 months and see what he does.   Well it is 2 months later.  He has been once a week playing his game.  He has cut out a lot of the pop and the fast food and a lot of the salt at least when I'm around.    He made an appointment to go see a doctor finally last week but "overslept" so had to cancel.

But it isn't just his health.  He has the mentality with animals that  if they get to expensive then they must be suffering so they should be put down.  He says he understands and it ok with that, but we have had discussions of treatments I want to do with my dog like stem cell therapy in the future.  His response well can you afford it and still be able to save up for a house.  So it makes me wonder if we do stay together if he really understands that he will not have a say on what I do for my animals.  Because to me if I take on the responsibilty of an animal of a life their health and well being is my responsibility.  I am not ok with the mindset oh it is getting old better through it away for an old model.  Now don't get me wrong I believe in euthanasia, but it is a last resort only when there is nothing you can do or you ahve exhausted all other options.  I know money issues can become a big problem in a relationship.  I also foster rabbits.  All he thinks of rabbits as are dirty creatures that are used for food.  One of my fosters died and the other foster was adopted.   Instead of being support of me because I was sad about it, all he could think about it yay one less animal in the house.   I did foster another rabbit, but she is going to a new home tomorrow.  I haven't even told him yet because  it upsets me this is the last rabbit I wiall have for a while, and I really don't want to hear him say how he is glad about it or get excited about it.  He also has the mentality that animals spread disease.  He has mentioned also several times that the only time he gets sick is when he is around animals.

The other problem is that is he very sedatery, and as of right now our relationship is very much like mine and my exes was.  I do my thing he does his and at the end of the day we get together and relax and watch TV.  It is a little more difficult because he works nights and I work during the day, but that isn't why we don't do stuff. We don't do stuff together because he doesn't want to work out with me or walk the dog with me, or take her to the dog park.  He doesn't really want to do anything with me (or hasn't asked me to do anything) but go to the movies or watch a movie at home with him.   This isn't what I wanted. And he is not happy with me spending 1-2 hours exercising everyday
either.   He sees it as cutting in our time together.  I also have to be
on a special diet because of my food allergies, and he complains about
not eating dinner together, but yet refuses to eat what I can eat and
what doesn't make me sick.

There are other things too that I noticed.  If he has a bad day he is the type to basically take it out on someone else.  There has been two times now that with me that he has gotten angry or frustrated at me when in reality he was just stressing about something else.   He has also told me stories where he has done this to people, and doesn't even realize that he was even doing it.  This is a personality trait on his part.  I know MOST people do this, but this is one of my biggest pet peeves.

Not to mention the whole needing to get "mentally ready".  My mom is that way.  She hems and haws about stuff she really doesn't want to do, then at the last minute comes up with an excuse.  Him waiting 6 months to finally become mentally ready to change his health when he told me on his first email to me that he was ready to change and changing.  That to me is a problem.  Then him comign up with excuse after excuse to not go to the doctor (just like my mom).   Excuses are another one of my biggest pet peeves.  I hate when people try to make excuses on why they can't do something.  Either you do it or be honest with yourself and others and don't.  Don't make empty promises.

 

Then there is the fact that how he envisions our future is us having a desk side by side him on his computer me on mine, and us playing video games together.  Even though I have told him several times I don't like video games.    I don't have the patience nor the attention span to sit and play a game that I have to give 100% of my attention.  It just isn't going to happen.  This is what my ex wanted too it never happend after 4yrs.  His response is just that it is about compromising.

 

Which leads me to my final thoughts.   I ask myself can I be happy with him how he is today, unhealthy and sedetary, and the answer is no.  Waiting for people to change never works, the only reason why I stayed is becuase I feel he really does want to become healthier, but I just don't think he is ready.  He also has said several times "whatever I have to do to be with you I will do".   Then I ask myself why.  Why should he have to change to be with me?  I know he loves me but really?  You shouldn't have to change, nor want to change for anyone.  You should only do that for yourself.

Now the only reason I'm still in this relationship is because we do get a long well.   We both feel a peace of calm and serenity when we are together.  We both enjoy each other companies.   And even our friends and family approve of our relationship and think it is a good relationship.  I've only had one friend tell me that I should break it off and just keep him in my life.  When he is ready to really care about himself then reconsider.  My sisters and other friends I've talked to think I should just give it more time.   But then I ask them but how long is enough.  They essentially say a year.  My sisters say a year.  My friends say at least nother 3-6 months.   They also all think I may just be feeling this way because of commitment issues.  At some point you have to set a date and if my feelings haven't changed then break it off.  But then I wonder if I'm not just leading him on like my ex essentialy did with me.

At the same time that I'm afraid to loose a good thing, I'm afriad that I'm just trying to avoid the inevitable because honestly I don't know that my feelings are going to change.    In my viewpoint that is not fair to him.   I've been on the recieving end of that and it isn't pleasant. 

Which is what makes me question if my doubts are actual incompatiblity or just fear of commitment. 

So thoughts?

June 27, 2011
9:02 am
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ShiningLight
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Forum Posts: 572
Member Since:
February 9, 2011
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Hi Abby34,

 

Welcome to AAC. Your story is quite different and it really took a lot of courage on your part to write all those things. On behalf of AAC, we really appreciate your time and effort for sharing your story.

 

Regarding your concern, neither incompatibility issues or fear of commitment is your weakness and I can't totally blame you for that matter. Let me ask you this, have you gone to a therapist/counselor/psychologist for your condition? Well, you might need to consult any of them so that you'll know what to do and how to deal with your situation or just simply get help . Maybe what you are acting right now has something to with your past experiences, I mean if we try to look the root and cause of it, it's actually a effect from your past. Incompatibility issues might come from your fear of being abused again or the commitment problem might come from the fear of loosing something/someone you loved the most. It's really something that you need to address seriously Abby34. You can test and ask yourself if your standards of having a BF was just too high which has led you end the relationship just because the guy did not meet your expectations. Or maybe you were just unconsciously forcing yourself to be in a relationhsip just for the purpose of having someone to walk and exercise with you and not by means of having someone to love and who will love you in return. Reality check is that change will happen naturally to anything or anyone. Yes we have choices in life and we can decide to perceive changes but it does'nt mean of changing who we really are.

 

A need for acceptance is one thing you must learn to practice as it will help you grow enough as a person. You are really an amazing person because you value your life that much, your health and other creatures as well. I hope you will find the right person that will stand beside you regardless of your past and is willing to embrace your present and future together. You are actually doing well, you just have to be open to other options in life. Most of all, you deserve to be happy.

 

Wishing you well. Smile

January 7, 2015
11:28 pm
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phool
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