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Advice Sorely Needed...Please Help...Emotional Walls, Breakup and Space
January 15, 2014
10:35 pm
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Peregrines
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January 15, 2014
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Hi,

I am feeling very low and found this site while googling help. I'm hoping to get some advice from members.

My boyfriend recently broke up with me. We had only been dating for three months, so I would usually not be as heartbroken. 

But two months into the relationship he asked me if I would like to come to England with him (he's English) as he was going to attend a wedding and meet up with his family and a few friends. 

We have had a great few months together. We spent most of our free time together, and had a great intellectual connection, and were compatible in many ways. He was never an overly affectionate type, and he had spoken to me about being emotionally closed in many ways, which I can empathise with. We had a good sex life though and I know that all men aren't overly physically or verbally affectionate. My father never was with my mother, but he still loved her dearly. 

He seemed distant prior to the trip, but he explained to me a rather shitty work situation that had happened and that had seriously affected him. He has spent the last five years giving his all to the job and had been kicked in the teeth so to speak with a reshuffle of staffing.

I know he also has a rather bad relationship with his family in England, one of the many reasons he moved to live in Australia. He wasn't looking forward to the trip back, and hadn't planned it. But his close friends marriage had meant he had to go back. His older brother committed suicide when he was just a teenager. He really looked up to him and has never really gotten over it, even close to twenty years later. 

Anyway, we went on the trip. All of his friends told him that I was amazing, and that they were so happy he'd met me, that I was a 'keeper', etc. 

At a family Xmas dinner, his mum got a bit drunk and was asking me if I was going to marry him. I was slightly embarrassed by this, but just explained we were early days in our relationship and taking it day by day. 

I'm not sure if either of the two above things have added to the final outcome, so I thought I'd mention them,

NYE we got very drunk, and I confessed I was beginning to fall for him. He didn't reply in kind, which was fine. Later in the night, he confessed he was also falling for me, and proceeded to tell me the ways in which he found me "amazing". He asked if in a few years I would consider moving to York with him and we had a really lovely night. 

All was fine, and yet when we got back to Australia I noticed he was very distant. He explained this as not looking forward to going back to work, which was going to be stressful. He has said a number of times this year was going to involve a lot of changes, work changes, he hopefully finally getting a permanent visa, and not having to go back to UK for a few years. 

My intuition told me it was more than this, but I let it be. Then a few days later he asked to go for a walk with me down the beach and I knew I'd been right. 

He explained then and through a few subsequent text messages that he is an emotional mess at the moment inside. He has walls and he has tried very hard to bring them down for me, but there is a barrier and he doesnt know how to get past it. He meant what he said on NYE but doesnt feel he follows with his actions and that this hurts me. He hates that I feel rejected, and he knows that all his past relationships have ended with him pushing the person away. He says unless he ends it now he will sabotage it later. He feels like a failure and is so sorry for hurting me (his words). 

I am quite literally devasted. I am usually a strong person, but I am a complete mess with this. I have contemplated giving up completely, which is not like me. This wont happen, I will get through this, but I felt an enormous connection with this man and I don't know how to let it go. 

I feel this is already a massive post, and dont want to keep explaining details, but I feel like he wants and needs space (which is fine) but doesnt want me to wait for him. I dont know if I should reassure him that I will be there for him, but then give him space and stop contact for a while, or what to do. 

I'd like to add that I think he genuinely means the things he has said. He doesn't want to hurt me. And hes not a player. Just a very emotionally crippled man with massive walls. I don't know what to do. 

I am crushed and struggling to get through each day. I feel like a failure myself. 

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