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5 yr relationship.... time to walk away?
April 26, 2013
9:27 pm
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scared and confused
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hello. i'm 45 years old woman. i've been divorced for almost 8 years. 5 years ago i met a wonderful man at dance class. we became friends and after 2 or so years starting seeing each other. it took a few months before we slept together and we both were thinking it would be a summer fling. however, we felt in love and have been a couple for 5 years. in the last couple of years with the economy etc his business took a terrible downturn and he's facing financial ruin. the man is working 24/7 to turn his business around, but he's doing everythig basically on his own. creditors are on his back, bank accounts have been seized and he ows a ton of money. so it' is a really really bad time for him. he admits to be lousy at handling stress, and in the last few months has resorted to heavy use of mariguana and alcohol. he is not calling, not visiting, not being in touch very often. we use to talk on the phone daily and now it might be once a week. we use to see each other 2-3 week plus full weekends starting friday night, and now he might come by on saturday evening and leave sunday evening. i have thought that maybe he is cheating, and have confronted him about it, but that's not it. i mean, the guy is broke…. to start. he has tried to reassure me that his distance has nothing to do with me or our relationship, that he is a very very dark place and that he knows things will turn around and be good again. he just told me that a couple of weeks ago. we talk. he is a good listener. but even though i have communicated to him that his disappearances cause a ton of pain, confusion and worry for me, he still does it. i know he's having a horrible time, but he seems to be willing to destroy our relationship. i don't know if i should just back off and wait, if i should break things off with him, or what. i don't know anymore if he's trying to break up with me and doesn't have the courage to do it, or if -as he says – he is just way to stressed out, doesn't have money to do anything and doesn't want to stress me out by coming over and being distant, moody and angry with his life. he is 52 years old. when things were good we were really good together. we have excellent chemistry, enjoy lots of the same things, i get along great with his children, he gets along great with my family and friends…. the point is that i'm really hurt, angry, confused and alone. i feel like i have a phantom boyfriend. and to make things worse, we have no plans for the future even though we have been together for so long. 

 

what do you think? what do you see?

 

Cry

April 27, 2013
7:30 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Scared & Confused:

What happened to your boyfriend is sad & you can never know in this economy what might happen.  Even if he was working for an employer, he might have lost his job or heaven forbid he could have gotten very sick & not be able to work.  The reality is that he was "heading into financial ruin", & he chose to escape into a world of substance abuse.  That was his choice.  He admitted that he was terrible at handling stress & instead of reaching out to someone who could actually help him cope (group, therapist, whatever) he decided to distance you and embark on a path to self-denial and self destruction. 

I understand that you have spent much time investing into the relationship with him & that you have shared precious moments together, but I think it's time you made a decision for yourself.  Do you want to continue hurting because of his poor choices or do you want to give yourself permission to move on with your life?

 

This choice is entirely up to you to make or not make.  This is just my opinion of what I think & what I see based upon the details you have given in your post.

 

 

Good Luck to you,

 

One Day

April 27, 2013
10:04 am
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scared and confused
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oh, i hope someone would comment on m post...FrownFrown

April 27, 2013
10:09 am
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scared and confused
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thank you OneDay,

thanks for telling me what you see. i appreciate it. today i went to my first AlAnon meeting, and the topic was control. I guess i need to let go, i can't change him, i can't help him. only him can do that. 

i love him. i need to get strong so i can do what i must do. 

scared and confused

April 27, 2013
1:42 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Scared,

It's o.k. that you love him.  I believe that you really do love him, but this time you need to let go & love yourself more.  I promise if the two of you were meant to be together again, you will.  I believe that if you focus on you this time, that what you rightfully deserve in a relationship is going to transpire when the time is right.Smile

I am not asking you to pretend that you don't love him, lets just see what happens when you put yourself first.  Maybe he will remember what he forgot about what you meant to him before things got messed up for him or maybe he might actually seek help for himself instead of turning to his current methods of coping.Smile

 

If you think along these lines, then you will feel safe in moving forward, knowing that all you can try to control is how you treat yourself in your life.

 

Don't be scared or confused just believe that you are safe & you are clear.

 

One Day

April 27, 2013
11:01 pm
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scared and confused
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thanks for your honest, compassionate opinion. it's a healthy way to look at this situation, and i will do my

best to focus on my own well being. the al-anon meeting i went today was good, i had an urge to check it out this morning,

the idea kind of came out of nowhere, i got up, looked it up on the internet and found there was one just a few blocks from

where i lived... it was like a whisper from the universe.

April 28, 2013
4:18 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Scared & confused,

and that is how you will begin to feel with everything you do as you move forward will be like.  If you let go, you will hear all those wonderful whispers & you will see how great your life can be.  Surround yourself with positive people who have been through this, learn from them.  You will be more than fine.

 

One day

April 28, 2013
4:22 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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move forward with your *life*Smile

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