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Helping a loved one
January 10, 2011
2:28 pm
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BettyAnn
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I know they say you can't help someone who refuses to help themselves, but my best friend's mom is an alcoholic and seriously needs help. She went through several rehab programs in 2009 and she was clean for a year, but relapsed a few months ago and is now just as bad, if not worse, than before. She is now refusing treatment and I'm afraid if she doesn't get help soon she's going to end up killing herself. If anyone here has advice on how to help my friend help her mom I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

January 11, 2011
8:58 pm
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Tommy45
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Unfortunately, it really is difficult to help someone who won't help themselves. Does your friend's mom care about your friend or anything else in her life? It's important to try to make the mom see how much she is hurting her daughter and others. Everyone in the mom's life must be firm in not supporting her and this destructive behavior. Going beyond that, if your friend's mom still doesn't want to go to treatment, then I think your friend has to try to distance herself from her mom as much as possible, for the sake of both of them. Putting up with someone who is at this stage just enables them, harsh as that sounds. It's a very painful, difficult process, and I wish your friend and her mom all the best to hopefully get through this.

January 13, 2011
3:02 pm
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BettyAnn
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Thanks for the support, Tommy 🙂 It does seem that distancing is the only answer at this point. I found out last night that she went through a 72 hour detox program last weekend and then went home and got drunk. The rehabs are basically refusing to take her at this point - they are suggesting that she move into a sober living (halfway house) environment, but she naturally wants no part of that. I just can't believe this. I've known this woman almost my whole life and everything was fine. Then three years ago she completely changed. It's all so much to take in. Anyway, thank you for the kind and understanding words.

January 15, 2011
8:59 am
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dtypist
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Sometimes we need to understand the cause of the drinking problems. Being an alcoholic is just a symptom of the real problem. The symptom becomes the problem when the main problem is not solved. Try to study what happened with the lady's history in the past 3 years of her life and you will have an idea why she became addicted with alcohol. Did she lost someone important to her life? Did something went wrong with her plans? As I already said, you need to solve the root cause of the problem and not just the symptom, which is the drinking problem.

January 15, 2011
10:18 am
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crystalwaters
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Betty, I agree with dtypist - if she has only been problem drinking for the past three years, something is likely to have brought it on.  Did she recently lose a loved one, a job...go through a divorce or a breakup?  I'm guessing she is in her 60s or so, and that is a stressful age to be in this day and age.  Many people are losing jobs, unable to find another job, and do not have enough money where they say they can stop working.  It's also an age where women often lose their husbands whether by death or divorce/infidelity.  What's going on with her?

January 15, 2011
2:15 pm
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BettyAnn
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Oddly enough there were no major changes. My dad (who has also known her for a very long time) thinks that she was struggling with getting older. Yes, she is in her 60s and I guess he could be right. She is divorced, but that took place over 25 years ago and she is the one who initiated it. She did have a great job until this happened. She had to take early retirement due to the alcoholism. I don't know. Maybe my dad is right and she just can't cope with aging.

January 16, 2011
5:54 pm
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dtypist
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Then she is losing something, her time. Still, I guess she has a problem and she keeps it to herself. If were in your shoes, I would try to make the best of her time and forget about her problems. Besides most alcoholics drink in order to forget their problems.

January 17, 2011
12:38 am
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Loretta
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Sometimes they just take that first drink again and can't stop.  She has to want the change.  Are you participating in Al-Anon or something like that?  Those groups help alot.

January 17, 2011
7:23 am
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alvin
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Tommy45 said:

Unfortunately, it really is difficult to help someone who won't help themselves. Does your friend's mom care about your friend or anything else in her life? It's important to try to make the mom see how much she is hurting her daughter and others. Everyone in the mom's life must be firm in not supporting her and this destructive behavior. Going beyond that, if your friend's mom still doesn't want to go to treatment, then I think your friend has to try to distance herself from her mom as much as possible, for the sake of both of them. Putting up with someone who is at this stage just enables them, harsh as that sounds. It's a very painful, difficult process, and I wish your friend and her mom all the best to hopefully get through this.


Hi Tommy45:

Unfortunately, the alcoholic won't see anything as important to himself or herself.  Especially those who like Bettyann's best friend's mom, who have been in and out of rehab programs.  I think that some counselors would see the need to identify the root of her drinking and then stop it right there.  If she drinks because she's lonely, she would be advised on how to find new friends and keep old ones.  Alcoholism is a disease but it's also a behavioral problem.  Like most behavioral problems, you need to find out what causes the negative behavior and stop it at that. 

January 17, 2011
10:18 am
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iphone4
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I would strongly suggest getting a much more qualified counselor then for her, BettyAnn.  I think that what Alvin said is right... there are problems there that may have not been fully addressed so she keeps going back to the drink.

January 27, 2011
3:09 pm
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BabblingIdiot
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It is truly sad but sometimes alcoholics have to lose everything that they do value before they will change and even then they sometimes don't change.

November 21, 2011
10:00 am
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jordan.s
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When it comes to relapsing, that may be the last resort.  Sometimes it shows that the person is just unable to stay clean outside of a rehab/treatment environment, but that shouldn't be the end of it.  Don't give up!  It sounds like she is worse than before.  Don't let her just kill herself.  Even though several treatment/therapy options haven't worked before, that doesn't mean that it can't work for her now.  What kind of treatment was she in?  One thing to consider is alternative/non-traditional treatment options.  Have you ever heard about DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy)?  That is one option (if you haven't tried it yet) that can work.  Find out more about it – that might just be the one!

March 16, 2012
2:37 pm
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care4sober
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Maybe you can discuss with her the reasons why her series of treatments were not successful. You can also accompany her to a substance abuse counselor and help her ventilate her concerns with regards to her unsuccessful treatments.

March 26, 2013
1:02 pm
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aaronwebvizards
Costa Mesa, CA
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How about trying a home
therapist. They can help your friend's mom to move to rehab centre. It can
help, I guess. Tell your friend to arrange a home therapist as soon as he can.

May 28, 2013
6:44 am
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Mike Wilson01
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Just admit her in a residential rehab program. This may be a tough decision to take but if you want to save her, its necessary. Many rehab centers are available, just find them and choose the best one for your loving mom and don't worry, she will be fine!

May 30, 2013
10:10 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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For some addicts, they turn to one or more of their addictions when they are totally stressed out, overwhelmed & rightfully deserve a break in their life.  I know it might be hard to believe but there are some people who geniunely go non-stop all day, sometimes all night unable to take rest because the people around them just refuse to help them when they can.  I think its great if a son is concerned about his Mother and her addiction, but I think it's quite sad if maybe she became addicted because she simply could not cope with the amount of responsibilities that  were and are put in her lap everyday.  Maybe this Mom asks for help, begs for help from those who should help her, but they just sit there and watch her kill herself labouring for them while they say they are concerned for her.

If lets say, she just never stops doing tasks all day until she drops, then when she has two minutes to herself, she might reward herself with say potato chips or choclate or maybe a cigarette if she smokes or maybe a alcoholic drink just to calm herself, knowing that her day and all of her chores will still be ongoing, nonstop tomorrow and the next & seemingly forever.

 

Really?  Can you judge this woman so harshly?  Maybe you should ask yourself how she got that way & why oh why she remains stuck that way before you just go right ahead and put her in a treatment centre without asking her permission.

When she gets out, is her life going to be different?  Will there be people there right in her home helping her so she does not relapse?  Your system for treating addiction is useless.

In general terms an addict is an addict & addiction of any kind is blood bourne.  If you really want to help someone with their addiction, get some help for yourself and let them decide when it's time that they want to make a change.  That is what it means to really love someone.

Oh, & by the way, if she decides to kill herself, that too, is her choice.

Sad, but true.

Save yourself.

June 13, 2013
10:31 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I would love to spend time with one of my children one on one, but teenagers rarely enjoy going to places alone with their parent or parents.  The hardest part of parenting a child with an active addiction is learning to let go.  The child must be ready on his/her own terms and time.  All you can do as a parent is expect the child who lives in your home to abide by your rules of the home & pray he/she does not end up hurting themselves more.  I have found that being angry with my child never works.  I have found that trying to deny them things to get them to make different choices also does not work.  It's not a friendship though, he is my child & he must come to terms with the fact that he resides with others and must respect others.  Whatever choices he makes now will affect him in his life in the future.  It's great to be young and be carefree, but you must try a little to consider what your future might hold.

 

One Day

June 13, 2013
12:44 pm
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aromatea17
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I hope things got settled... It always breaks my heart when I hear stories like this... Praying for you guys. Cry

I'm POSSIBLE!

June 13, 2013
3:45 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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arometea:

I don't understand the I'm possible thingy on the bottom but thanks for your Prayers.  I believe in the power of praying.  I believe my son will be fine & that whatever it is he needs to do during his learning lifetime, that he will be prepared for.  There is always a reason for everything & everything has a reason.  It's not for me to know the future for a reason.  So I will just do my best for today & pray & have hope.

 

One Day

June 13, 2013
10:10 pm
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RehabForTeens
Orange, CA
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Your best friend's mom is an alcoholic and you want to help her that is very good. There

are a lot of rehab programs which can help her, say her killing herself is not

the solution. Please try once Rehab for Teens Residential Program in Orange, CA. I am 100%

sure she feel better here.

June 14, 2013
3:39 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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I am sure that when the time is right in accordance to the Alcoholic's addiction level, that he or she will either seek medical/physchological therapy of their own choice, in their own time & that the treatment will help them.  Or they might choose to go to a 12 step program of on going recovery & help themself that way.  Or the person might continue excessive drinking and live their entire life in chaos & their family will be hurt & they will hurt their body & damage it's organs.  Since the person in question was not forced into becoming an alcoholic, they cannot be forced to stop either.  The person might get terribly ill, & be taken to hospital, but that does not mean that they are ready to overcome their addiction.  Choice.

August 4, 2013
9:17 pm
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aaronwebvizards
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I feel she got relapsed just because may not have completed her full tenure at the center, instead of waiting more would recommend you to bring her to Orange county detox center for better rehabilitation.

October 10, 2013
3:10 am
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Dr. Basim Elhabashy
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Very good try i would say.someon need to start to sperad awarness against alcohol addiction.if one person is able to overcome then it would be the most amazing feeling for that person and for us also.

February 9, 2014
11:21 pm
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Fichun
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Hi Everyone!

April 28, 2014
9:23 pm
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edwardcejka
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It is very nice thought to help some one because today it is also great thought to help another people again alcohol addiction.

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