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I'm codependent.. Sometimes the smallest things are the hardest to do
October 23, 2013
9:27 am
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codependent24
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October 23, 2013
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Here is the story.  August of 2012 my husband left me for another woman.  He was a bidge addict.  (from what I knew).  We were together for 5 years.  He was also a Narcessist.  He was unable to hold down a job but did pass a few classes at a local community college.  It was a very codependent relationship.  I thought that GOD had put me in his life to help him.  My codependency stems for childhood and I have not had a relationship with a person that wasn't to "help" them.  So after he left, I didn't want a relationship.  I was so heartbroken as the reason for my life had left me for drugs.  However, quickly I fell in love.  I met someone who made me remember some aspects of myself that I had lost in my codependent relationships.  He inspired me.  He lived in another state but we talked every day.  I started making friends and going to dinners and took a vacation with my girlfriends.  went hiking.  Went a few times to visit this new man.  This man was/is an alcoholic  a daily in and out drinking.  Around November, I decided that I wanted to pursue a relationship with this man.  I had thought he would come to my house and everything would be ok.  I KNEW i didn't want to be with an addict but he was going to go to detox.  January 1st, 2013 he moved to be with me.  3 weeks later he went to detox.  Then he started drinking again "controlling it." Then came the daily drinking fights about drinking the needing constant reassurance that he was tapering.  My constant saying "I do't want to be with an alcoholic." However, he was doing well.  A year prior to the time we had met he had been on heroin and had kicked that habit and moved on to alcohol.  Alcohol to the point where he could literally not do anything else than drink, sleep for a few hours, drink, vomit, watch tv.  So.  after detox,  he got a bit better.  He still had no energy and I would get constantly disappointed.  We went to a city and would only be able to visit one place befor he needed to rest.  I am a young person and I want to see things.  Anyway, slowly he got more energy.  He got a job which was pretty physical on him. He continued to drink several drinks daily.  We would continue to fight. I'd beg him to stop and cry.  Finally, around august, he had a stressful situation happen at work during which increased his drinking.  He started drinking round the clock again and eventually had to leave his place of employment.  Thatst when I started looking things up and came across codependency and realized how much of it is me.  I'm writing today because well.  I guess I don't feel like I know whats happening in my life.  but the truth is I do.  My boyfriend is currently tapering his drinking.  His choice. not mine.  This is somehting he wants to do and feels strongly about.  I would like it to be done like yesterday! I pushed for detox but he doesn't want to.  I know that this is somehting he is going to want to do and that I need to focus on myself.  HOwever, it feels like there is always something.  Since he hasn't gone back to detox.  We've been fighting daily.  (I want to make it clear he is a very nice guy and he is trying to get better.  He does not yell at me and is NOT aggresive).  I know that much of it is me.  I'll become overemotional.  The other day I told him I wanted egg noodles. He asked if I wasnted ramen.  I freaked out because I felt as if he was trying to tell me to not want egg noodles.  So some of my over emotionality is becuase i'm sad with myself for continuing to have hope.  Some of it is fear things won't change.  SOme of it is being disappointent.  He can't do anything.  His disease has gotten him to th epoint where he can not literlly do anything again.  He's tapered himself to 13 shots ina 24 hour period. (tommorow will be 12) I know he can not go any faster from a health perspective.  But daily he vomits and feels horrible and I get mad because he's chosen this withdrawl prosses. The what ifs are driving me nuts.  What if in 12 days he's still drinking ?  THe disappointment that he can't do anything drives me nuts.   Right now, I can NOT eat dinner with my boyfriend.  A simple dinner is imposible.  This weekend I want to go on a hayride.  I've chosen that I need to go because I want to go but its saddens me that he can't go.  FOrtunatly he is encouraging for me to do things. I'm going to dinner with a girlfriend later.  I'm getting a hair cut tommorow.  I guess I"m writing here because its not easy.  I don't want to give up on the realationship and he is trying.  I'm just so scared.  The interesting fact with this is that I never wanted to help my current boyfriend.  EVER.  I can honestly say I didn't.  In January I honestly thought he'd go through detox and then we'd start out life together. Today,  I don't know what the future holds and its scary but I guess ok.  Today he is on 12 shots.  I have dinner with my friend.  Thats it.  I feel like i used to have hopes and dreams and plans and now its a day by day thing.  sometimes its good.  I tend to do what I am doing at the moment I am doing it.  I enjoy things more then.  SOmetimes it makes me very depressed. Thoughts like I"d like to go on a hayride.  I'd like him to go.  I know that physically he can't.  WIll he ever be able to? SOmetimes I just get very depressed.  Thanks for listening.

October 23, 2013
8:03 pm
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ShiningLight
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For people with codependency, individual counseling can teach assertiveness, listening, and communication. Counseling can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors, and work with you on developing new, healthier coping skills. 

 

Be strong codependent24 and I know you can do it.

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