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Dating an Addiction
March 11, 2013
11:10 am
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LJP90
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Hi,

My name is LJP (not my real name) I'm a 23 year old girl from
Philadelphia. I'm new on this site, but I was looking online for help
with dating an addict, and it brought me here. I would appreciate any
input you guys have, I just need to talk to someone about this. Here's
my story...

So, I met this guy in 2008, he was into me, but we were both in
relationships so nothing happened. Last summer we met up again, I was
single and so was he. Long story short, we ended up hooking up around
November and eventually dating. So, before we decided to be a couple we
were having a lot of fun. I noticed the times we hung out he was
"dipping" or having trouble staying awake, even at bars and parties, or
when we were having a conversation. He told me he had just been working
hard so I believed him. However, at this point, I've never done any drug
before, not even weed, and I hadn't had very much exposure to anything
else because I never had friends who were into that sort of thing.
However, one of my friends who had dated someone before with a pill
addiction and saw how he was acting gave me a tip that he may be into
some harder stuff. So, I asked him if he had been doing any drugs when
we hung out, he admitted that he had been occasionally taking "perks"
because he wanted to last longer during intercourse or something. I made
clear that I wasn't into that kind of stuff and it made me
uncomfortable, he said he wasn't going to do it anymore so I believed
him. About two weeks later (on New Years Eve) he convinced me to take
MDMA with his friends, I succumbed to the pressure. I also smoked weed
for the first time that night. The next day, we went to the new years
parade, he seemed out of it but we hadn't gotten much sleep the night
before because we stayed up late partying so I attributed it to that.
The next few weeks, everything was fine. We did MDMA a couple times
after new years in January/February. I didn't think it was a big deal
because I know it's not as addictive as narcotics. However, a few weeks
later he told me that on New Years Day he took a zanex, and had been
doing pills and cocaine here and there, every or every other weekend. I
was horrified. I couldn't believe he lied to me. These were all times I
was around, at parties, never on weekdays. He said he was gonna clean
up, we planned some things that would help him get through it. Then,
this weekend (he didn't do any drugs since he told me about his
problem), I find out one of his best friends gets back from rehab for
heroin. This got us started on talking about drugs Saturday night while
he was drunk, and he confessed that he's snorted heroin twice while we
had been dating, and had struggled with it right before we met, but he
wanted to stop for me, so he didn't tell me. He thought he could get it
under control without me knowing, and he was embarrassed because he
knows I don't get involved in drugs. I couldn't believe it. I didn't
know what to think. I was instantly terrified. Heroin? The worst drug of
all and he was snorting it? He admitted to being an addict and that he
knew he had a problem but he only did it "once in a while" because it
was cheaper than perks. I don't think I let out a full breath since he's
told me. All I can think is that we will deal with this for the rest of
our lives, if we stay together. I never felt this way about anyone,
ever. And when he's good, he's great. No one has ever treated me so well
in my life or made me laugh so much that I forget all my demons and can
just be happy. I know that the lying was from the drugs, but I'm not
sure where it's gonna go from here. He goes to work everyday and he's
never been to rehab, which gives me hope that it's never gotten too out
of hand. We're gonna sit down and tell his parents and go to meetings on
Tuesdays and Thursdays...but I know I'll never trust him again. For the
first time in my life, I pictured myself starting a life with someone,
and suddenly--it's been ripped from my grasp. Everything I thought was
real, wasn't. I was dating an addict. I was no longer just dating him, I
was dating his addiction too. Something I know nothing about, something
that I thought I would never have to face, especially with someone I
love. And I know he needs me, so I can't leave, and I don't really want
to. I know I should. The only friend who knows whats been going on
thinks I should walk away. But if I leave him now, he may never get past
this. Even if I stay with him, I still don't know if he will. He wasn't
doing it every day, so it makes me think he can get it under control
with the help of meetings and support, but what the hell do I know about
this stuff? How do I even know he's telling the total truth about
everything?

All in all, I'm lost. I've never been so conflicted in my life. I have
always had my ???? together, I'm about to graduate college, I have a
great group of friends and family behind me. I don't know if I can
handle this, if I'm strong enough to really help him, or if I'll be
enabling him. If I leave him now, he could slip right back into it, and I
love him too much to let that happen.

Please help. Any input or advice you can give would be so valuable to
me. I am alone in this. I can't talk to family, and my friends would
turn on me for even considering staying with him (they're very
protective). The only friend who knows won't even discuss it with me
anymore because she thinks I'm throwing my life away by staying with
him. Thanks for reading.

March 11, 2013
2:13 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dear Dating:
you are in a very difficult spot.  I read your entire post.  This is a lot for such a young girl to handle.  I understand how & why you have not shared this with friends & family & am grateful that you had at least the chance to talk about it here on this site.  I mean you need to talk to someone or you will go nuts.

How about you do not blow him off as a friend.  It sounds like he might be in a worse spot if you just up and drop him if he feels strongly for you.  At the same time, you need to sit down and make a decision as to what your moral compass is saying about your involvement with drugs for your life.  Do you want to be a recreational drug user from time to time or eliminate drugs from your life entirely?

Once you have tried certain substances it becomes increasingly more difficult to reject them if they are right in front of you & it takes enormous strength of mind to decide what your priorities are in your life.

Once you decide, make it clear to your boyfriend that you cannot make drug use a daily part of your life or that you do not want to be part of his days when he is taking drugs.

That you will spend time with him, but that he cannot do drugs in front of you.  Also, you can go to groups where you can learn to deal with his mood swings as he will have them if he is withdrawing from being dependent from taking drugs.

One thing you must always keep at the forefront of your decisions is that drugs & having a healthy family cannot go together.  If you love this guy, think long & hard about what his addictions might end up doing to you & the children you may have together.

You obviously did not come from this kind of an upbringing but it's foolish to think that in 2013 at some point every person comes into contact with someone who takes drugs or has had issues with substance abuse.

It's a sad reality, but addiction is not just with illicit drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, food, or gambling.  Addiction can also be to good things like exercise or to being overly in love.  Sounds ludicrous I know, but in the end too much of anything is just not a good thing.

Think of a baby eating whole foods for it's first time.  Say, a parent introducing bananas to an infant.  Imagine how good that would taste compared to just milk or pablum!  By the time the infant can recognize the banana, he or she is gonna want it again!  That's a good thing, but you would not feed your infant or toddler 30 bananas a day right?

In the end, what we put into our bodies and into our minds is what we will get from our bodies & our minds.  Feed yourself with positive good people & good nutrition or at least keep trying.  Then you will get back what you need.

 

One Day

March 11, 2013
4:42 pm
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LJP90
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and giving me and honest and heartfelt response. It feels so good to talk with someone about this who doesn't just tell me to leave him. I'll definitely take all of that into consideration and honestly, I don't intend on ever doing any drugs myself again. I know if I want him to succeed i have to set a good example with my own actions.

 

Just an update: He talked to his mom today (very strict, religious
woman) and came clean about everything. They're gonna give him a weekly
drug test and if he fails, they're not gonna let him see me. His family
thinks I'm the best thing for him and they know how much he loves me,
they figured it would be the best punishment. Also, if it gets that bad
he's gonna have to go to rehab. I just hope that that him having a
strong support system of people who love and care for him will help him
succeed in this. I know how badly he wants to change, I just need to see
it happen.

March 11, 2013
5:09 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dating an Addiction,

thank you for the update.  I am sorry but I am not convinced that this is an appropriate punishment.  In fact, I don't feel that drug addiction or any addiction can be solved through punishment.  If you take illegal drugs you must be aware that legally you can be arrested and that is a real consequence of being caught with illegal drugs.  That would be a criminal record & maybe a fine & maybe jail time.

To impose this kind of punishment (drug testing) on a human being just doesn't feel right to me & I would never agree to try to help someone I loved by making them submit to a drug test in order to see me.

I think you might have misunderstood what I said.  I said that he should not ever do drugs while in your presence.  The choice to take drugs or not take drugs has to be decided by him & him alone.

Punishing or forcing or taking away human dignity will never work.

I believe that in the end he will be entirely resentful by this process or punishment.  Your friend needs to be ready to stop.  While his parents might be strict, religious, whatever, they have no right to impose drug testing on him.

If he resides in their home, obviously he must adhere to their house rules whatever they are, but as a parent, I would feel entirely sick to make my child submit to drug testing in order to be allowed in my home.

This is not an issue of good or bad.  Addicts are not bad people or good people, they  are just people with problems.  If they are chronic drug users, or any kind of substance abusers it usually is because they are trying to medicate themselves out of some very serious emotional pain.  That does not make them bad.

What they need is to learn on how to cope with their problems without turning to things that actually make their issues worse like alcohol, drugs, gambling or overeating.  They normally hate their addiction, they just can't control it.  It has taken over their life.

I am sorry but I do not agree with the methods you and his family have decided to employ.  No human being has ever changed through force.

He needs to want to make this change on his own.  He might fall a few times, but if he is ready, he will do this.  If his family is religious that is a great motivation for him to find God and maybe join a 12 step program of recovery for treatment.

It is love that will help him, love & prayer & determination & effort.  Not submission to a test every week.

 

One Day

March 12, 2013
9:11 am
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LJP90
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He's doing whatever he can to get past his addiction and he knows they're doing this with his best interest in mind. He lives in their house, they deserve to know if he's using or not. No one is forcing him to take the drug test. His family asked him to take one for them weekly and he agreed.

March 13, 2013
4:59 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Dating an addiction,

well, if everyone is on board, and he does not feel like a puppet for taking this test for the remainder of his life in order to be around those he loves, then I guess it will all work out.  I am sorry for misunderstanding. I wish him & you & his family happiness & drug free tests.

 

One Day

March 14, 2013
10:17 am
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LJP90
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March 11, 2013
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Thank you, and I truly appreciate all of your input and support. I need all of the help I can get!

April 11, 2013
1:35 am
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aaronwebvizards
Costa Mesa, CA
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He's just trying to give up all of his drugs. I was lying to you, as you said, because he values your relationship more than his drugs. he made all of his confession in front of you, just because he loves you. Make sure that he won't miss his meetings and schedule. And regarding your parents, don't worry about them now. Just stay focus on his addiction treatment.Smile

April 11, 2013
4:25 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Aaron, how did you get involved in the convo of this thread?  What do you mean about lying to her?  Are you her boyfriend?  I am totally lost here.

April 13, 2013
12:59 am
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aaronwebvizards
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i was just wandering , and saw this post. i was trying to help. i did something wrong? Is this some private converstaion or what?

April 13, 2013
3:23 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Aaron,  I think if you re-read your original post that you added to the thread, you will see that you made a slight grammatical error which is what made me think that you were somehow part of this relationship.  You said:  "I was lying to you"....   Since the information posted was only done so by the girlfriend who had asked for advice and or support, I got confused.  Of course it's not exclusive or private.  Your input could help a great deal.  If you have a different perspective to offer, you should!Smile

April 16, 2013
8:54 am
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aaronwebvizards
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onedaythiswillpass said:

Aaron,  I think if you re-read your original post that you added to the thread, you will see that you made a slight grammatical error which is what made me think that you were somehow part of this relationship.  You said:  "I was lying to you"....   Since the information posted was only done so by the girlfriend who had asked for advice and or support, I got confused.  Of course it's not exclusive or private.  Your input could help a great deal.  If you have a different perspective to offer, you should!Smile


Sorry for that mistake. It was meant to be "He" not "I". I don't know what made me wrote it.  Yell
April 16, 2013
1:53 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Aaron,

It's all goodWink!  But I don't know sometimes what makes me write it too!Smile

September 25, 2013
9:16 am
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casabella
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You realy are in a fix.If you leave him,he is surely going to do drugs in a full blown way because he will have a reason to do so.But i feel you will also not be in peace.So if you decide to stay,which I feel you will,then try and make him agree to join a rehab center as it is going to the rehab center is the only way out.If he loves you and wants to see you happy,then he will have to do this and get sober,otherwise there is no point in continuing this relationship.

January 6, 2014
9:12 pm
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Siled1988
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I've read the whole post LPJ, just wondering if you have an update? Would love to hear from you soon. As I have a friend who's suffering from drugs and want some input and some advices.

February 19, 2015
5:15 am
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Dr. Basim Elhabashy
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Hello, 

You had struggle with hard time. Hope for the best time ahead.

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