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Codependent and hating it.
October 20, 2011
3:52 pm
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karenn
San Jose, CA
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October 20, 2011
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I knowingly married an alcoholic. I didn't know I was codependent until recently which is no doubt the reason I even married him the first place. I've lived blindly and happily in denial for seven years but all the while knowing that something was twisted. Duh!! I've started seeing a most excellent therapist who specializes in alcoholic and addictive behavior who has been able to spot and identify behavior in either hubby or myself that's unhealthy.  I'm learning about having boundries (all new to me) and him having repercussions for his actions.

My problem now is that I am stepping out of denial and into reality. Don't get me wrong, this is a big and powerful step towards getting healthy. But the reality of the choices I've made is smacking me in the face. Hubby will never quit drinking becauce he doesn't have a problem with it. I'm the only one with the problem.  I've been so angry that one might say that I'm drunk with anger.  I open my mouth and comment on his drinking which history has only shown me to be an unwise move and yet....I still open my mouth.  Argh!!!  It's hard right now because I've left the safety of denial and am standing right in the middle of a shit storm without a helmet.

Gotta learn once and for all to stay out of his business and stop commenting because, as they say, it achieves nothing and it annoys the pig. Off to a CoDA meeting soon.

Anybody else going through something similar who can offer feedback or a least a virtual neckrub?

 

Cheers.

K

 

 

When life gives you lemons, throw then back….only really hard.

October 25, 2011
6:22 pm
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lrn2bme
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October 23, 2011
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Karenn,

 

I give you a lot of credit for trying to do things different. It is not easy, but be kind to yourself. You are on a journey! Going to a CoDa meeting is a step in the right direction. I recently read a book called "Soaring Above Co-addiction". Having lived with an addict for many years it was easy to relate to the author's story. The author very clearly and easily from her own personal experience gives insight and direction on learning to take care of ourselves. In a nutshell, yes we have to stop focusing on what the addict does or does not do, but more importantly we have to love ourselves and take care of ourselves and the rest will take care of itself. I checked the book out at my local library and I highly recommend it. Hang in there and stay hopeful! In the words of Mother Teresa....we are not called to do great things just little things with great love. 

 

Be Blessed Smile

November 3, 2011
9:59 pm
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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karenn,

 

What you've been through was not easy. I think it's just right that you have attended yourself to a CODA group as it will help you cope with your codependent behavior. DO NOT BLAME OR HATE yourself for having that kind of behavior because it's never too late to get help and be treated. I guess enough time and space will give you what you really need for yourself and for others. Take one step at a time and everything will fall into its place.

 

lrn2bme's advice is pretty good, self help books are also effective and helpful. Wishing you well.

 

(((HUGS)))

November 21, 2011
10:35 am
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jordan.s
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November 15, 2011
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Karenn,

There are several very interesting points you made.  I understand that you didn't know you were codependent until after you married him, but have you thought about why you're codependent?  I know that may be a difficult question to ask, but it is healthy to take a step back and think about why it's happening, not just how to become less codependent.  I know you said your therapist has helped you spot out behaviors that's unhealthy.  I'm curious, what were those?  Why does your hubby not have a problem with drinking?  I know you said that when you sit him down and talk about how his alcoholism hurts you, but there are other ways/environments to approach this without a violent response.   Learn more about how substance abuse can be dealt with in a more focused environment, instead of on the couch or living room.  Again, I'm sorry for these struggles but if you don't make a strong effort now, you'll pay for it more and more as the years go by. 

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