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Reactions to abuse from an victims point of view…

UserPost

12:00 am
November 2, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

Chinadoll…I hope you see my response to you on my thread
here!

12:00 am
November 9, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

perhaps I should bump this up maybe?

12:00 am
November 10, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

Something very triggering happened to me on fb…I knew better
than to post my view on religion where a nutcase…religious one
was on! Bad move! She is mutual friends with someone I thought was
my friend who know I see kinda of being twofaced! It was about
abuse in the bible…how women are called whores…who I believe
are just victims of sex abuse and gays as well as also being
victims… Well…she told me all these phds and professional
people who tell kids that their parents are abusing them, who
meddle in innocent partents lives are the ones to blame and
basically told me that since I am not god, I have no right to judge
the bible. Ist off she has little education, and is not very
smart…not to be rude, but she lives off the system and has five
kids… Our mutual friend…who is suppose to be my friend
too…has sinced starting ignoring me…she is the most racist,
most hateful person I met and gives her opinion on everything but
clams up now?

12:00 am
November 10, 2010


chinadoll

Member

posts 193

sorry
that this happened you, bfgirl!

{{HUGS}}

Religion is such a
touchy subject. I am baptized Christian, but I have not gone to
church for a long time. I always felt like I was being judged.
Especially when I was going thru my divorce.

There were some
ladies that did not agree that I was going thru with the divorce,
because my ex-h was asking for reconciliation. I said I could work
on forgiveness eventually, but I refused to go back to him. He had
tried killing me twice, I was not going to give him another
chance.

These ladies said
I was "going against God" because I was not wanting to "restore my
marriage."

First of all, he
left me. And then he got together with another woman. I guess he
wanted me back when things didn't work out with her? These ladies
said nothing about his adultery…which by the way, according to
the Bible is also a sin, but yet I am the one they are putting
judgment on? They had the nerve to say that I would be the one who
commits adultery, even if I re-marry, because my ex-h and I took
vows to be married for life, and I would be "cheating on him" if I
ever went with another man. What?!!

I was tempted to
ask them, if they think he's so great, how about they take him? And
then they could get the mess beaten out of them, and yelled and
screamed at every day, and see him having a temper whenever he did
not get his way.

So I just look at
it this way, people are going to say whatever they want, it doesn't
mean I have to agree, it doesn't mean I have to change the way I
see things, and it doesn't mean I have to let what they say affect
me. I was really bothered by it all for quite a while. But then,
they did not have to walk in my shoes, so they really don't have a
right to say what they think is best for me.

12:00 am
November 10, 2010


chelonia mydas

Member

posts 7

BFG,

Maybe get
healthier friends and friends of friends? That lady sounds like she
is not very openminded and I don't see where she benefits or add to
your life. The friend that you know the nutjob through sounds like
someone that isn't benefiting or adding to your life
either.

It sounds like you
are reaching out for intelligent, open minded discussions. Based on
this post, it sounds like you are trying to make chocolate milk by
squeezing lemons. Unless you are sharing something that you know
you have in common with either of these ladies, I wouldn't share it
with them. Unless you are seeking out conflict or drama, which they
seem to provide in abundance to anyone who is different than they
are.

There are as many
bibles as their are religions and as many interpretations of each
bible as their are religious leaders and idependent
thinkers.

Maybe reach out to
groups where open mindedness is common. Maybe a philosophy group?
or religious tolerance group? or college students?

There is probably
forums for this type of discussion online too.

12:00 am
November 11, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

Omg
Chinadoll, I am so sorry. I been around people like you have, what
church did you used to attend, if you mind me asking? These people
really are abusive and I am glad you GOT AWAY! I think it is not
healthy for me to talk to these people, so much that I had deleted
them this morning, was not going to do that but I seen them talking
bout "oh we know how has real issues on here! Haha!" I am who they
meant cause i am very open about talking bout my abuse on fb…for
many reasons and I know its not commonly done but I feel its my
chance to have a voice, to address the bullies who hurt me in
school and others to an extent…I can only say so much, too much
is probably not a good idea. My one former friend was someone I
barely knew but who frieWhnded me and and we starting to talk alot
bout abuse and the church…seemed we had ALOT in common, she was
pretty much in agreement with me on things but after a hour of
talking with her, this other side of her came out…she started
telling me horrible things bout her friends and enemies, things I
should not have known! I have to wonder what her motives were or
think that maybe she is just a hateful angry person who feels a
need to trash people…for four hours I sat kinda of trapped
listening to who was a whore, who was doing who and what not…It
was kinda of hard to leave, not that i enjoyed it, but I just felt
kinda of trapped, nervous, laughed and did not say much else, I
really had no idea what to do…I know… i know! Her and i had a
mutual friend who is into a very weird kinda of church, she is not
wrapped too tight…she told me that I was not GOD and had no right
to say that the bible abused people, got angry and said it was
nosey people who call cps who were the problem and all these PHDs
who were making problems were there weren't any… anyhow…I seen
then laughing bout me on fb…eliminated them both off my list. now
the one friend who I did actually meet for lunch is VERY
vindicative. I think she lies alot too and she is very very
verbal…she knows that I know all the shit she told me, so afraid
she will now start trouble and say i said these things… I don't
want drama but I do not want trouble and lies to be spread bout
me..she also knows about my issues, alot cause we shared a very
common story of abuse…:( This town is not huge, everyone is kinda
of related to someone there and things get around fast. I just
trust too soon the wrong people and I KNEW better! i did…but I
got sucked in, and I got comfortable maybe. Chinadoll, what is
comes down to is that we have to choose not to allow people like
this to hurt us, maybe the reason why they do is because something
in the back of minds is uncertain, maybe deep down we are scared
that we are wrong…not saying we are, but what I had learned in
the past is that if something hurts me alot, maybe there is some
truth and maybe not too, I am where you are, stuck with you
friend… one reason why I love to come here, so many open minded
people, yes battles happen, but overall it is a nice place cause
you can have your say and be sure it is ok, even if others do not
agree, most of the time no one will call you a nutcase, most
anyhow! I am glad to hear from you Chinadoll, your one of the few
people who actually talk to me on here, so thank you!

12:00 am
November 11, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

Hey
Mydas, no religious or spiritual guides what not for me, i am done
with that lie in my life…want to wash my hands of it…but I know
you mean well bout it too. I feel there are very few people in this
world who i can connect with and feel safe with…very very few. I
guess some would say that I am closed minded but I say it is cause
I am a realist and that I had enough of pretending there are fairys
in the sky who want to save me ungrateful ass… nope, just don't
buy it, not angry at god or whoever else is up there, just do not
care anymore. done with it all. my problem is that I don't fit into
our society, I am not in denial bout my abuse, like most people who
go on and act and pretend all is well to get the family money, I do
not go around being the good volunteer and hoping someone will pat
me on the back and hand me a brownie. I am just sick of people and
their bs and their lies to me and themselves…that is how i
honestly feel, I am sorry, I know I prolly offended every single
person here, i honestly do not mean any harm, I don't …its just
my thoughts, my feelings and its hard to swallow bs. i have to sit
by everyday and hear how god has saved me, or I am renewed and I am
new person and i have something you don't have and blah blah
blah… well I tried god, and he ignored me, so its must be ME,
right? I am just soooo done with it all.

12:00 am
November 11, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

I
have one friend who is pretty much ok in my book, she is agnostic
like me, and we can talk bout feeling lost, being prescuated and
that we both did try but it never worked for us…I am glad she is
in my life, she is really well off which kinda of sucks, always has
money and I am always broke, so we eat at panera and places like
that…I am trying hard not to judge her, its not her fault she has
money…and she has been a real true friend. I have the other
friend who I ditched and then went back too…we have a kinda of
rocky friendship, she is a roman catholic who has some very strange
ideas, I told her that I did not want to talk religion and she said
that is part of her and I had to accept that bout her and that
faith to her means much and she is going to go there from time to
time, so I kinda said ok…see i try to understand others and be
accepting! Never said I would like it, but i do! Just the two of
them and some people who talk to me on fb who seem ok, just talk to
them on fb and nothing else…now after what had happened, I am not
sure if i want to even meet anyone, cause I honestly did not see
that coming, hit me like a ton of bricks.

12:00 am
November 11, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

in
the meantime, my child is very sick with asthma and maybe streph or
mono, we have to wait for tests to come back, she has always had
this, It makes me a basketcase, makes me angry, I hate when she is
sick, makes me cry…. I hope i did not offend anyone, I am good at
that sometimes so just be warned that I mean nothing personal to
hurt anyone, I am just down beaten, worn out and ready for the
pasture maybe…lol! I appreciate you guys posting, I do not feel
so lonely anymore…so thank you!

12:00 am
November 11, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

I
sometimes wonder, is it obvious i was abused and will i ever fully
heal or will i always be on self help boards looking for help,
encouragement? I hope not. But i think that some things in a person
are just broken and can't be fixed or healed, not all of it, I feel
like a defect, sorry to have my pity party so much on here today,
yes I am having one…

12:00 am
November 11, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

i
think i know why i am so pissed today, i just realized it is my
moms bday….maybe that is not helping matters maybe.

12:00 am
November 14, 2010


Lanigirl

Member

posts 161

Hey
all,

Just to start off,
no offense is meant by my post here. I find this subject
interesting.

Again, China I
admire you for integrating good sense and spirituality with your
Christian faith.

Chelonia made good
points.

BFG, sorry to hear
that your child is suffering. I hear you about posting – someday I
would like to be healthy enough to leave these posts. However, I've
been posting for about a year and I must say it has helped me sort
through a lot of issues.

I had just read an
interview with Anne Rice. She was raised Catholic, became agnostic,
went back, and left again. This time she said that the church's
stance on gays and women go against what she believed so she left.
My own relative that has been raised in a very strict religious
home, is thinking about going to a less strict practice.

I have a couple of
really religious friends. This year is the first time where I am
feeling better about myself and I'm able to not feel hurt about
their beliefs.

I had lunch with
one of them yesterday. She likes to talk about the chip that she
believes is being instituted in Obama's healthcare plan.

It is amazing to
me that this educated woman takes such an interesting view of
things. I had sent her the part of the plan that clearly states
that no such thing is intended.

However, I am also
starting to understand her line of reasoning ( the "mark of the
beast" relays back to the time when Christians were literally
tattooed on their foreheads, etc.).

Anyways, instead
of engaging her – it just goes in circles – I excused myself and
went back to the buffet table.

I've also dealt
with this situation by using sweetness and humor. When a friend
said a man she dated wasn't up to par being a Christian and
prefaced it by saying that she wasn't being judgmental, I laughed
and said how cute she is.

12:00 am
November 15, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

i am
not religious but I do agree with your religious friend, I am
highly educated as well, I am not a nutcase. Things are being
hidden from us and things are not as they seem, they are far worse.
Ugh, not to beat a dead horse but America is in some serious
shit…

12:00 am
November 15, 2010


BAREFOOTGIRL

New Member

posts -1

As
far as the catholics go, they have every right to believe the way
they want too, that is a very old religion if they want to believe
this way, its their right to do so… its also my right to stay
away from religion, as all it is scary not just the
catholics…

12:00 am
November 16, 2010


chinadoll

Member

posts 193

Bf
girl,

I think there is a
huge difference between religion and spirituality. I have become
far more "spiritual" than religious in the past 2 years.

Funny that this
all took place AFTER my baptism! I went to church to share in
worship with others who I thought were similar in my
beliefs.

I have found that
I am much more open and compassionate. A majority of them have
proved to be far more judgmental than I am comfortable
with.

So, even though I
identify with my religion for purposes of classification (I suppose
for whatever type of religious service they will provide whenever I
have my funeral), my spiritual identity is far different than the
people I attended church with.

So, I don't get
hung up on "religion" anymore. I worship in my own way. It might
not be the "acceptable" way, but it works for me.

12:00 am
November 17, 2010


puptent

New Member

posts -1

chinadoll some use religion as a moral compass (they walk the
walk) others use it as a weapon of mass destruction (to
judge).

12:00 am
November 17, 2010


CraigCo

Member

posts 39

puptent,

I tend to agree
but inclined to reword it slightly:

FEW use religion
as a moral compass (walk the walk) MOST use it as a weapon of mass
destruction (to scorn & judge).

A-frickin-men!

12:00 am
November 17, 2010


puptent

New Member

posts -1

CraigCo, I think your words are very precise. I'll say
A-frickin-men to that too!

12:00 am
November 18, 2010


chinadoll

Member

posts 193

Yes,
I see what you both are saying. I have, in my experience, come
across more of those who scorn and judge, unfortunately.

And I have found
that some who claim to be "moral" (for the lack of a better word)
don't really walk the walk.

For example, I
went to an elder's house for Bible study a while back. We began
discussing about relationships, for whatever reason the subject
came up.

The elder's wife
admitted that when she argues with her husband, she refuses to see
his side of the argument, and will not hear him out or speak to
him. She would rather be "left alone". In other words, she
stone-walls him. He ends up giving in, just so she will speak to
him.

And they are
supposed to be teaching us? They are supposed to be the
example?

I understand that
we are all human and none of us are perfect. But I was deeply
troubled.

Firstly, because
my boyfriend and I have never had an argument. We TALK. We
communicate. We don't always agree. But we listen to each other. We
allow the other person to have their say. We come to an
understanding. Sometimes, after hearing the other's view, we might
change our view, or at least be more open to the other's
view.

If either wants to
make a choice, and we both know that it will have a huge impact on
our relationship, we talk about it. It's not about "my way or the
highway". It's about what is in the best interest of him, the best
interest of me, the best interest of us.

If I don't allow
him to feel safe to speak to me about his hopes and dreams and
everything on his heart, it is quite unlikely that he will open up
to me. And then that defeats the whole purpose, doesn't
it?

He and I have an
agreement that each of us is free to say at any time, "I am not ok
with this", if we don't have a good feeling about
something.

It made me sad for
the elder, because I could see the hurt in his eyes when we were
all having this discussion. It was clear that it was more important
to her to be "right" than to be loving to her husband.

I'm not an expert
on relationships, but my boyfriend and I have known each other for
nearly a year, and we have never had any drama, and have never said
any mean or hurtful things to each other. I think that's pretty
good.

12:00 am
November 18, 2010


puptent

New Member

posts -1

chinadoll, you just gave a great example. A teacher who is
teaching people to do as they say and not as they do is a
hypocrite. You said that this troubled you. Trust your inner voice.
It might be telling you that what this couple is doing not
practicing what they preach is unhealthy for you. You said you are
in a long distance relationship. How many days have you spent with
your boyfriend in the past year?

12:00 am
November 18, 2010


chinadoll

Member

posts 193

puptent,

The thing about
this couple, the elder is a very sweet man. He is also in the
military, so I always felt like I could relate better with him. We
talked easily about things and he could always see my
perspective.

I think this made
his wife jealous. I am sure she saw me as a threat. I was never
interested in her husband in that way. The thought never occured to
me. When my Mom suddenly passed away last year, the elder hugged me
at church when they both saw me. His wife did not approach me or
say a word. But she called me "her sister in Christ?" The elder, he
had lost his own Mom not long ago, so he knew what that felt like.
So, I would say she is the hypocrite, not him, and I see how he
struggles to hold their marriage together.

Our church sees
divorce as a bad thing, I am sure as an elder, he is afraid that
they will take that annointing from him.

My boyfriend and I
have probably spent less than 30 days together if I had to count
them. We talk nearly every day, so this way it does not seem as
bad. Sometimes we are on the phone for 30 mins, sometimes 2 hours.
Between his work schedule, my work schedule, my school schedule,
and his training classes, it makes it hard to find time when we
both have any free time.

Once I am done
with school, I am sure that will change.

He and I are both
in the military. Either of us could be deployed at any time. I have
a feeling I will go first. We make the best of it each moment that
we can share together.

I prefer to see
the quality of the relationship, rather than quantity (amount of
time together). Yes, I know that's important, too, but we are
making the best of a less than ideal situation.

Neither of us
tolerate infidelity. Both of our previous marriages, we were
cheated on. So, that is definitely a deal breaker.

We know each
other's schedules to the minute (despite a 3 hr time difference).
We are either at work, at school/training, at the gym, or asleep.
Or he is with his son. If his schedule changes or if either of us
has to travel for work, we let each other know right away. I can
always count on him to be there for me if I need him. He always
makes time for me if I ask. I might not get that time right away,
but he will make it work.

I've been in a
couple of LDR's in the past, where the guy would just start an
argument on the phone for no reason except to create drama. I would
say, "I'm hanging up now. I won't talk to you if you want to
argue." I refuse to argue. If it's an in-person argument, I walk
away. If the person wants to yell and scream by themselves, have at
it. It takes two to argue, and I don't have the time or energy for
it.

Then the guy would
immediately call back after I hang up. –Like he didn't think I
would actually do it–and start in with "oh, baby, baby, I'm sorry,
don't be like that, etc. etc."

One cannot build
trust with someone when they don't feel safe. You can't feel safe
when someone is playing mind games and being confusing.

My boyfriend and I
are very similar with our personalities. We are both good-hearted
and honest. If I feel like something will hurt me, I know it will
hurt him, so this way I stay aware on how I interact with
him.

He appreciates
that I am not controlling of him in any way. He is free to do as he
chooses. If he wants to go and see friends or do something on his
own, even when we are together, I let him go. Since he feels he has
this freedom, he usually chooses to spend the time with me instead.
There is no "I'll show you!" or "you can't tell me what to
do!"

When I have
traveled to see him, and there is something I want to do that he is
not interested, I will still go. We just catch up with each other
later that day. He doesn't make me feel like I have to give up
anything just because I'm there to see him.

I stay true to
myself, and encourage him to do the same. Just because we are in a
relationship does not mean we stop being individuals. Our
relationship is inter-dependent, as opposed to
co-dependent.

I tell him I can
live without him, but I don't want to. =)

12:00 am
November 18, 2010


puptent

New Member

posts -1

Hi
Chinadoll, a career in the military has to be the most challenging
lifestyle when it comes to trying to maintain an intimate
relationship with someone. The fact that both of you are active
duty helps. With your level of education I am guessing that you are
an officer. How many more years do you have until your contract is
up? Even though this elder is kind and understanding you did say he
is having marital difficulty and his wife is jealous. With all that
going on do you still feel comfortable associating with
them?

12:00 am
November 18, 2010


chinadoll

Member

posts 193

puptent,

My contract is up
in 5 years, but by that time I will have 16 years of service. I'm
going to try to do at least 20 for retirement, I may as well at
that point.

I don't associate
with the elder and his wife very often. I don't want to cause any
more issues for them that they already seem to have.

The wife did
contact me not too long ago, to ask me to join some kind of group.
That was another reason why I stopped going to church. There were
all these home fellowships and ministries and Bible studies they
wanted to get me involved in.

I would tell the
elders and the pastors, I have just enough time to attend services
once a week. I am very busy and I am a full-time graduate student.
My living arrangement does not allow me to have people over all the
time and have meetings. They were trying to get people to take
turns having meetings at their homes.

I tried joining
the singles ministry and that didn't work. They made it clear when
you sign up that it's not for dating. Well, there was a guy at
church that joined it when I did because, guess why, he wanted to
date me. Of course he did not *say* that at first, but when you are
at meetings, and he tries so hard to sit next to you and talk to
you at every break, and wants to walk you to your car, it's pretty
obvious, isn't it?

And then it was
the Women's ministry. They want to have you attend meetings to
study passages in the Bible, so that you can "mentor" another
newly-baptized woman who joins, and teach her about scriptures.
Well, they didn't like it when I said, I don't know scriptures very
well, because if I want to know something, I talk directly with
God. You can imagine how that went over.

So, because I was
not available to volunteer for a bunch of stuff, to give my time,
more like be at their beck and call, I was seen as one who was
"selfish" and "uncaring". Many times, I could not make it to church
on Sundays because I have to work. People would tell me that "the
enemy (the Devil) is going to come after you because you are losing
your faith". Umm, I'm sorry, Uncle Sam owns me. If they say I have
to go, I have to go.

They have chapel
service available at work for those who want to attend. The
military will never deny you from worship. I have never seen or
heard anyone say no to whoever that asks. How can they, when we are
the ones who fight for everyone's freedom of religion and right to
worship?

12:00 am
November 19, 2010


puptent

New Member

posts -1

Hi
chinadoll, you are darn near close to retirement lucky you. The
church must have made you feel obligated to the point you did not
enjoy it any longer. I know what you mean about getting scolded if
you say something a church member does not agree with, makes you
feel ashamed. Then of course causes you to want to avoid going to
church and associating with people who are so rejecting. According
to these folks hospitals should close ER's, stop tending to the
sick, triple A should not pick up stranded motorists, 911 operators
should refuse to work all out of fear of the devil coming after
them. Hope they do not go to a hospital, call 911, etc. on Sunday
so as not to cause someone to have the devil come after them. Do
you think that it has anything to do with the fact that lower
church attendance might mean decreased tithing? I wonder who and
what people are really concerned about.

12:00 am
November 20, 2010


chinadoll

Member

posts 193

puptent,

As for tithing, I
gave what I could afford. If it was not 10%, so be it. They got
what they got.

If I didn't have
extra money to give, I brought extra food for the food pantry. I
know what it feels like to be hungry, to be out in the field for
days, and having to wait until the chow wagon came with the food,
always late. Food getting half-cold. There's no microwave out
there. Even if the food was yucky, you ate it, because it was
food.

I felt like that
was more important than money. Especially when you have homeless.
Homeless families, homeless veterans. But then again, you have
those that want to criticize. Saying "that's all?" Or to look in
the basket to see how much money you put in–and give you "that
look".

Sometimes, a
bakery would donate day-old loaves of bread to the church that the
bakery could not sell past the date. Even when I was low on funds,
I did not take the bread. I felt like there was probably someone
else who needed it more than me, I'd go without and make do with
what I had. And then you would see someone carrying 2-3 loaves of
bread, to put in the back seat of their Mercedes-Benz. Like,
really?

Not knocking
Mercedes-Benz, by the way. I've been telling myself ever since I
graduated with my BA that I will get one–my bonus for putting
myself thru college. It's still gonna be a while! A long while!
LOL! =)


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