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Is sexual abuse hereditary?

UserPost

9:13 am
May 23, 2001


melissa

New Member

posts -1

It's been 8 long mths and we've been through a lot. On June 1, my fiance and I will appear in court for criminal domestic violence. We got into a big arguement and he hit me in front of my daughter. This is the first time he hit me and he hasn't put his hands on me since, but I feel afraid of him. And things just haven't been the same since I had him arrested. He feels as if I don't love him b/c I had him arrested. Which is untrue. I really do love him and I want to keep my family together, but I don't want him to go to jail from these charges. What can I do?

9:45 am
May 23, 2001


skimbleshanks

New Member

posts -1

Why, why do you want this man?

There are men out there who won't do this to you. I hope you're not keeping him around because you're afraid of being alone. This is not a safe environment for your daughter to grow up in.

You can still love him, but you don't have to live with him. And you're not helping anyone by "trying to keep your family together", only making a martyr of yourself.

I'd tell him to get out.

10:46 am
May 23, 2001


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

A question for the group… when one hears about a man who has been physically violent to his partner, we always say GET OUT NOW to the abused person. Friends of the abused person generally write the abuser off as "evil" and "unsave-able". Can people who lash out physically be helped so that they do not act in out violent ways?

My own father used to hit my mother, and she eventually left him (after 28 years). A few years went by, and he did some soul searching, and he started a new relationship with a different woman who he has never been violent with. I would say that this is living proof that changes can be made and people can get better. However, I am always mistrustful that the violence will break through again, that the calm rational man I see before me is just a cover up, an act, a veneer covering the violence that lurked there for years.

Anyone have any thoughts, opinions, or insights to share?

10:48 am
May 23, 2001


blackbird

New Member

posts -1

Unless there is something you are telling such as attacking him physically then you need to run for the hills. If in the first eight months it has already reached violence he either has violent tendencies or you bring them out in him. Either way, it's a relationship you would both be better off without. From what you said it sounds like you argue a lot, this is a bad example for your daughter and could set expectations for what adult relationships should be like.

11:19 am
May 23, 2001


Ladeska

New Member

posts -1

Hey Ginger….I sure do enjoy your posts, btw…you're so insightful, compassionate and "real" – thank you for being here and for being "you". Anyways, as far as your question is concerned…of course people can change. So very true. But..it is very, very improbable that they will do it in direct relation to the person they are abusing at the time. In other words – it won't be because of anything they said or did at the time. Targets are disrespected – especially at the time. Your father thought about all this – later and lived some life in between… So, this myth that women have who are being abused – that they can be the reason he changes or they can be this or that and it will make a difference – are just peeing up a rope.

In our society, however, we do not do enough to help men who are violent. We just don't. We've failed men horribly. Sure we can go to the moon – but we fumble the ball when it comes to the inner space kind of advances. Breaks my heart…. All people want to know is "how to" and then they will do it! It just needs to make sense and hit them between the eyes and not in the form of pills or let's all "will it away" by focusing on some little white light kind of therapy.

We have advanced – that's true and there is help out there if people will dig for it. But, Melissa….sweetie, you need to find out why you are drawn to a man that you will forever have to be on pins and needles with.

There is a cycle that you probably learned from your own model of family growing up. At any rate – this is how it goes….he's such a great charmer, good lover, really connects with me, etc…..then he hits me, we get upset at each other, blah, blah, blah and then when we make up – it's sooo wonderful because he just sweeps me off my feet with all razzle dazzle and I'll never, never do this again to you line of crap.

What happens is – he is getting off on being able to manipulate you and he majorly disrespects you and women in general. And….if….you take this and bend over for yet another round of "let me take you to the moon – via my foot or otherwise" then he disrespects you even more and basically feels like you deserve to be slapped around because you're such an idiot in his book. WAKE UP! This……isn't love. This is abuse and if you really love your daughter – you won't want her anywhere near this man or near you guys in your dysfunctional state. She'll grow up and repeat history and basically you will be ultimately responsible for that.

He's a brat. He expects to dangle this little shred of hope for love over your head, guilt you into not having boundaries and then will laugh at how easy you were later! You really want to live like this? If you do – you might as well just write off the rest of your life and your daughter's life as a wad of toilet paper that's been used and abused – because that's the picture you're headed for like a freight train with your name on it.

He doesn't love you…. He doesn't love himself. This is SUCH a line of crap!!! No man that truly loves a woman would EVER hit her and if he did and had an ounce of decency – would know he deserves to be locked up and would start immediately trying to figure himself out and would probably have a real problem even looking you in the eye.

So, it's your choice…..I hope you make it wisely. Just know that if you make it wrongly – you have no excuse to cling to for what happens to you or your daughter. You've been warned.

11:23 am
May 23, 2001


Ladeska

New Member

posts -1

P.S. – why do I say all this with so much piss and vinegar?? Because I was raised by a man like that and I am disgusted by the way my mother took it and kept coming back for more time and time again. I am even more disgusted because he started abusing me every way imaginable and she STILL turned her head away and said – oh, but he'll be better and he didn't mean it, blah, blah, blah…. And now – she denies that anything ever happened at all and still lives with the freak. Do I ever speak to either of them? No and haven't for years.

So – I have very little compassion for women who don't wise up and who will sacrifice their children because they won't see the truth and do something about it. Charmers….can be….resisted. Besides, their charm never lasts as you have just found out, right? Do you really need to be sold to this badly? Then go down to your local car lot and buy a car, it's less expensive and painful in the long run.

11:52 am
May 23, 2001


Molly

New Member

posts -1

There is so much work for the both of you to do, and sometimes it doesn't work. His anger at women is deep rooted, and most likely from his childhood, what was his father and mother like? It takes two, and you trigger something, I would imagine that this happened after a verbal confrontation. Now on top of his anger when he looks at you he has shame. You both could seperate, and learn what brought you to the point that you are, then just because its the two of you, all the training goes out the window. He may never hit again, but you will always have that fear in the back of your mind. Do you think you will ever be able to relax? What do you think your daughter is learning, certainly not balance, she will either resent you or him, or both, as Ladeska described. Look at the statistics, they are not in your favor. How do you think so many men like this keep their women? Any sane woman would leave, your confused by his manipulation, and if you look real close there are other problems in the relationship, right? The verbal abuse that surely initiated the war, is so damaging, it is what most likely has destroyed your sense of self to the point that you are asking the question. Sure he should not have hit you, and society is quick to judge, and blame it all on the man, but it takes two. You are just not supposed to hit a woman, and even with all the publicity, of late, the numbers are not changing. If you drop charges, your excercise was in vain, other wise he may seek the beginning of change. I am sure he loves you and most likely extreamly dependent on you, fear and the need to controll his fear, and then its is his self love that is lacking, and you can't fix that.

1:16 pm
May 23, 2001


blackbird

New Member

posts -1

Ginger I generally don't like talking about this but it may provide some insight. I believe there are people that are violent, people that bring out violence in others, and couples that should not be together for any reason.

I am for the most part a very gentle man. I think someone you love should be treated with tenderness and caring. I'm open to debate on this someone here knows me personally. The thing is I've had two relationships in my life with women that brought out the demon in me. I remember my ex wife comming at me clawing at my face and grabbing her screaming for a friend to come get her off of me before I hurt her. This is because I wanted to hurt her. I never hit her, but I did throw things at her. (Never anything that would truly hurt her.) For me life with her was like a constant torture. I knew another woman that brought out the bad in me, but then I do not believe anyone male or female has the right to abuse another. She was angry because I refused to let her pretend to be me on line, and decked me. When she turned around and bent over a minute later I kicked her in the rear (enough to sting not enough to knock her down.) After that incident even though she had just moved in with me I moved out of my own house for a month until she could find another place just to make sure there was no repeat.

I feel like a monster because of these memories, but in truth I'm usually not that way. I don't know if it was them, or just incompatibility, but I will say this. I do not believe any woman has the right to smugly hit, belittle, or hurt a man and expect him to let it pass. I believe in complete equality, some areas are a trade off but no one in a partnership should ever expect special privilages.
Ginger I think it depends on the person. Some people are truly violent and I don't think they can be helped. I don't think I am though, I think I just have limitations on how much I can take. Some of us become weak from situations and need to recognize potentially serious situations. Others just like to inflict pain.

Does that help any?

1:23 pm
May 23, 2001


Ladeska

New Member

posts -1

Blackbird….excuse me for butting in but just wanted to say – your point is well taken.. People do have their breaking points and women need to own to their part of things as well as far as pushing, pushing and being extremely manipulative until someone snaps. That's abuse TOO! And it's good that you you are aware of what's up with you and with being matched wrongly. Thanks so much for your input. You have a conscience and you want to constantly be a better person. That's what it's all about for all of us. I know exactly what you mean about some women crying the bit of – I'm a woman, blah, blah, blah – when in all honesty – they were the witch from hell provoking like no tomorrow. However, that's when a "man" steps aside and says – See ya, get outa my face and stay out because I don't trust myself. You're a psychopath and I don't need this.

2:23 pm
May 23, 2001


Molly

New Member

posts -1

Right on Ladeska, the other piece of the puzzle, there is almost always substance abuse, of some sort ???? Helps numb the pain, and speeds up the honeymoon cycle. Go figure. :)

4:25 am
July 7, 2001


casondan

New Member

posts -1

I am a victum of sexual abuse. The man that abused me was my step-father and father of my youngest brother. Recently my oldest brother let my youngest brother live with him and his wife and 3 year old daughter. They kicked him out a few months later and just recently I found out why. My sister-in-law was afraid because my youngest brothers father had sexually abused me that my youngest brother would do the same. I have read a lot of books on trying to understand sexual abusers and have never read that it was hereditary. I have read that incest could be, but I think that is a little different in both cases. I don't think someone should be automatically tagged as a sexual abuser if there is no basis other than that. If anyone has read anything on that I would greatly appreciate the info.

3:28 pm
July 24, 2001


eve

New Member

posts -1

casondan,

of course, being an abuser is not something that is in your genes. But it can be something that is in families, because people tend to act in their adult life like they learned it from their parents. If your sister in law felt uneasy about your younger brother in the house, maybe she had more reasons than just what she knows of your father? If it was my daughter, and I would feel even the smallest doubt about a man in the house: I'd chuck him out faster than you could say 'you can't prove it'. Because this is not about proving something. It's about feeling safe and at ease at home.
Just my two cents. Eve

10:24 pm
August 15, 2001


gingerleigh

New Member

posts -1

I flaked out and didn't read the social threads for a while, but I did want to say thank you to all who posted here in response to my query. The jury is still out for me on whether or not a physical abuser can change, but I think I'm about to find out. I haven't seen my father in 8 years due to his violence, but I have planned a reunion with him for late August, in a safe place, with him and his wife. I very much hope that he truly has changed, but I know that I can survive whatever outcome there is.

Again, thank you for the responses.


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