Codependency.. who am I? | Mental Health Counseling | Forum

Danielle, I am also in the same boat as you are.  I am as extreme as you are in so many ways.  I have my good moments and I have to say moments because there hasn't been any full good days yet.  But there will be.  Where do we start? Realizing we have this issue going on with us was where you started.  You took the first step already.  

Ontop of my co-depencey issues that I realized I had after, this guy I really really like told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. 

When this happened I was just raped, after my release from the hospital.  The guy that raped me…. raped me for about 7 hours, he was a very close friend of mine.  The thing that got me through the night until I got away was the thought of his smile.  After I spent hours in the hospital getting probed and everything else.  I called him just to hear his voice only to hear him tell me he didn't really like going out with me right now.  (oh forgot to mention my father was the first person I called when I broke free only to have  him hang up on me) SO SLAM two important men in my life, so I thought.

The guy I am dating made me aware of my co-dependency issue at that time.  I never told him I was raped.  I have been dealing with this on my own with my friends just a couple of close ones.  Also getting some counceling if you want to call it that.

The last incident opened a whole bunch of things for me.  Brought back the times I was raped before, times I just swept under the rug and went on.

Did I mention the two weeks prior to that,  My sister and my mother was in the hospital the same day, My sister bad heart, but great outcome, Mother had a stroke, the homeless Kid I took in ended up having a psychotic break and I had to take him to the hospital only to confirm he had ADD, ADHD, BIPOLAR teetering on the verge of schizophrenia and ODD.  Then that very weekend as I am telling the guy I live with I am moving, he had a brain hemorrage pretty much infront of me and what they thought was a mild stroke (he ended up in the hospital for 5 days).  So I couldn't tell anyone, family, those close to me because everyone is going through something.  During that time I was also gather food, cloths and money for my family because almost 20 of them are going through a bad time.  Really bad time.  Infact 10 minutes after I got away from being raped, I dropped food and cloths off on my sister's porch before I went to the hospital which was an hour away.

I am also a survior of sever child abuse, molestation and rape. 10 that I remember sexual assaults 3 on record with the police. I am sure you also have a story that led to where we are today, abandonment and co-dependecy issues.  

The mass majority of people that know me have no idea.  I am known for the Charity work that I do for other's, not by just a few, but few 1,000 people in my area know of me.  I have had articles written on me and what I do.  I sing for a living. Even got two of my songs on the Radio this year.

However, to the world I am a happy go lucky woman with alot of drive, to the majority of my friends I am a charitable woman that loves to do for others.  But the truth is.  I am tormented like you, I feel I am crazy and I feel guilty from hiding it.  

My last attempt at suicide was just days ago the time before that the longest stretch ever in my life.  I have been trying since the age of 4.  I have done things to myself as you have where most people would die. 

There is a reason you and I are alive Danielle.  Where do we begin?  Unfortunately the beginning.  As far back as we remember before the big one hits us, the one that is hidden so deep we don't realize it exist or its there.  I haven't faced those demons yet myself.  But I am finding my personal co-dependency began when I was so badly abused, and had no refuge or no where to run, and I was told not to tell anyone, or when I did beatings were worse, the ridicule & embarassment we face was worse sometimes than the abuse.

We try and try to forgive, we tell ourselves we forgive, we give back, we do charity work, we work our asses off, we try to be thankful for those that love us, for having what we have.  Only to still end up feeling the way we do.  Lost :( and still in so much pain.  Nothing seems to work.  Sometimes not even counceling.

I have been journaling and blogging, it helps sometimes.  Because I hid from the pain all these years and I worked so hard to prove I could survive and I was strong, and didn't want to be embarrassed, seem like a freak, I wanted no ones pity (yet I unknowingly did), I became so Co-dependent my life is at a halt.  It takes alot for me to shower, get up, go to sleep, complete simple tasks.  

My cup is now empty, I realized for the first time in my life I am Angry, I am so pissed off at the world and everyone that hurt me, for those that should have protected me, they were the ones that told me to move on and hide what happened to me, to do so much charity work for others.  

My councelor wants me to face all of this pain.  I am scared as hell.  But we have to face ourselves and the horrible memories inorder for it to be laid to rest Danielle.  ALL OF IT!  Even the small things that hurt us. We have to do this to begin the grievance and healing process.  So that we can break the chain of co-dependency.  Even the strong ones like us that survive, we fall hard like what you and I did, causing more pain for ourselves and the ones we love.

Where do we begin?  At the beginning and by taking responsibility the way you have.  We weren't born like this, we were raised like this, we had no where to run, all we had was ourselves when we cried out.

We are adults, and there are people who hear us, and hear our cries.  It's not too late for us.  Just know you are not alone.  You may feel like it as I do now.  But we have to get those thoughts out of our heads.

And know the last people you can look to sometimes for help are the closest people to you, sometimes help comes in the least expected ways.

Please don't think I am comparing my life to yours, because all of our pain is all the same to me.  We are suffering so bad we just want it to end.  We are tired.  The only reason why we want to die is because we feel we can't be fixed and like you asked where do you begin.

Unfortunately for us both at the beginning, moment by moment, while we are doing this make sure you learn new coping skills.  I have enrolled myself into a yoga class, I am getting more active, taking vitamins, taking care of myself first now before anyone.

We are going to need to find healthy ways to vent when all this pain finally surfaces.

Although I feel I have nothing to give and My cup is empty, as I pray for myself I will also pray for you.

More over my prayer is for Peace of Mind for both of us and all that suffer like us.  There is refuge in friendship in any form even those you cannot see.