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Verbal/Mental Abuse

UserPost

2:43 pm
January 10, 2011


Rhyannon

Member

posts 51

I am having a really hard time keeping my head above water these days. My self esteem is in the trash can because of verbal and mental abuse. Is there a way to prove it in court? What can I do to get my confidence and self esteem up so I can leave?

4:49 pm
January 10, 2011


BettyAnn

Member

posts 49

Is your husband unwilling to go to counseling? It sounds like you both need counseling separately, as well as together. Verbal/mental abuse could probably be proved in court with saved voice mails, texts, etc, but you would need to consult a lawyer on that to be sure. Either way, you need to talk to a professional who can help you organize your thoughts and feelings and set goals for yourself. If you really want to leave, I would also suggest talking to a local women's abuse group. I've been through this and the people who work/volunteer for those organizations are incredibly helpful as far as being understanding and providing help and resources. Best of luck to you! I hope it all works out for the best :)

11:45 pm
January 10, 2011


dtypist

Member

posts 49

This reminds me of a famous actor who said unkind words to his wife or girlfriend. What the lady did was to record their conversations and she used that as evidence that the actor was verbally abusing her.

8:06 am
January 11, 2011


Rhyannon

Member

posts 51

We went to counseling a few times, the problem is he doesn't feel that he does anything wrong. I haven't brought up the mental abuse in front of him with the counselor, what we have talked about is my self esteem and how I don't trust him. I don't trust him because he has lied to me time and again. He talks to other women and feels that that shouldn't bother me. That is a whole other story though. Thank you for the advice, I have written down and documented stuff, I am hoping that will be enough. I do need to talk to someone though I realize that, this is affecting me way too much.

12:37 am
January 13, 2011


Loretta

Member

posts 50

You can't change him, obviously, but you can make sure that you are safe.  It doesn't sound like you're in a safe place now.  Get professional help if you can.  Someone who is truly qualified can help you get to a good place.

9:30 am
January 13, 2011


chinadoll

Member

posts 193

Rhyannon,

It depends on what type of court proceeding you are talking about, and what the laws in your state are.

Are you talking about a civil court proceeding for divorce? Or a criminal court proceeding for arrest and charge for domestic violence?

Either way, verbal and mental abuse is really difficult to prove. In a criminal court proceeding, it helps to have eyewitnesses/ear-witnesses, and maybe the testimony of a counselor or psychologist that can say that you are suffering from mental health symptoms as a result of the verbal and mental abuse. Because your wounds are not visible, it is not easy to gather this evidence.

In a civil court proceeding for divorce, the judge might or might not take the verbal and mental abuse into consideration. When I was going thru my divorce, it was in a "no-fault" state. I had written pages and pages of documents of all the things my ex-husband did. Verbal, mental, emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuse. I had an excellent lawyer.

Regardless of that, because it was a "no-fault" state, the judge's main concern was for how the property, assets, and debts were going to be divided. The judge did order my ex-husband to pay a lot of the debts, and including money he was to pay directly to me for my loss of property and assets. I have not seen a dime. I doubt I ever will. I would have to go to court and re-file each time to enforce the court order. If you do the math, it does not add up in my favor. Almost 4 years have gone by and I still get calls from collectors, and I have to make do the best I can with very little help.

I used to work in family court, and yet there was a lot I did not know regarding the laws when it pertained to my own situation–my case was very complicated. And it was my first time experiencing a divorce, so it was a learning opportunity.

Shift the focus on yourself. Do what you need to do to attain peace. Do not put the focus on your husband, unless he shows that he is willing to change and make amends.

Best wishes.  

6:36 am
January 15, 2011


Francine

Member

posts 19

Rhyannon – first of all I'm so sorry that you are going through this ordeal. I have only had a tiny taster of verbal/mental/emotional abuse – it started very early in a relationship and I was able to walk away. I can't imagine what it must be like to cope with such abuse in a more established, longer term relationship.

You are doing the right thing by sharing in places like this – and by documenting what is happening to you.

Kind thoughts.

Francine

2:41 pm
January 23, 2011


BabblingIdiot

Member

posts 30

As a previous victim, I understand how you feel and you need to think about one thing. Most men downgrade and verbally abuse their wives or partners because they have an insecurity themselves. If he can make you feel that you can't do better than him or don't deserve him then he has control. You have to begin to love yourself again. Find something that you know you are good at or learn something new and succeed. He will fight you all the way but you can do it. (By the way let me mention that women do this too.)

6:40 am
January 24, 2011


Rhyannon

Member

posts 51

At this point my self esteem is so low I don't feel like I am good at anything and it doesn't help that I go to him for validation. I do get some support from my family but they live far away and it's just not the same. If I could figure out how to stop myself from being so self destructive it would help a lot. I think at this point going to see someone is something I am just going to have to do.

7:17 am
January 25, 2011


julietroache

Member

posts 15

dtypist said:

This reminds me of a famous actor who said unkind words to his wife or girlfriend. What the lady did was to record their conversations and she used that as evidence that the actor was verbally abusing her.


Great idea.  

But really, leave the marriage or relationship.  Verbal abuse is a type domestic violence.  You deserve better.

12:47 am
January 26, 2011


dtypist

Member

posts 49

Don't blame yourself for what is happening to you. If you can't handle the problem any longer then leave that person. Like Julie said, you deserve better than that. Don't wait until something drastic to happen before you decide to go on separate ways.

9:26 am
January 28, 2011


hiddenobject

Member

posts 37

Rhyannon said:

I am having a really hard time keeping my head above water these days. My self esteem is in the trash can because of verbal and mental abuse. Is there a way to prove it in court? What can I do to get my confidence and self esteem up so I can leave?

 

There are support groups for victims of domestic violence & workshops to help people work through self- esteem issues. Domestic violence shelters are a good source for this type of information. Your question about proving this in court is a legal one. Again, many domestic violence shelters have volunteers that help victims with these kind of legal issues.The Legal Aid Society is also another great resource that can help you get free advice.


1:46 pm
April 26, 2012


AnnmarieC

New Member

posts 0

It sounds like you are married to an abusive man and so therefore your attempts to get validation from him will always be futile.  If he is abusive, he will not recongize his behavior because chances are he is either aggressive/aggressive or passive/aggressive.  These bahaviors are sociopathic. He can not take responsibilty for his actions.   Your reactions to his behavior are the focus for him;therefore you are wrong.  This is common.  It's self destructive and it's natural you would lose your self esteem.  There is an abusive cycle and it involves a mental trap and mind game.  Why would he admit he is at fault?  If he is so insecure, your inscurities only make him feel stronger.

 

I went through an emotionally abusive marriage for fourteen years and finallly found the strength to leave him.  He remains a bastard. I began dating a man who seemed incredibly nice and ended up being a passive/aggressive.  In both cases, it's abusive and the cycle and trap is the same.  If you'd like to talk more, visit my site on FB   'the calm and the storm notes from a passive agressive relationship'.  There's lots of us who have survived.  There's a cycle you can detect.   Don't expect him to change.  He won't.    I also have an excellent ebook on amazon of the same name.  It has helped many people recongize and detach themselves from the abuse. BUt, at the least, find places like my FB page to chat and share these experiences with others.  

7:05 am
June 1, 2012


mechild7

New Member

posts 1

an abusive man will never change unless he can be counciled.. and needs intense therapy to overcome and realise he is abusing you or others in his life.. he will not change.. because he first needs to want to change. you need to get help first , get away from him, even if its just temporary.. I too was emotionally and verbally abused, my husband had to almost loose us the kids and me, before he realise he needed help.. sometimes going to the bottom and losing it all helps them to be ready to see it.. you cant force him, but giving him and ultimatum can get him to therapy.. My own husband took 3 seperations to get it , that he could not be with me or havea life with me and thekids unless he continued to seek help ..long term help, not a few visits but longterm therapy for many years, nother words he go to the point that he realizes he will be in therapy prob for some time.. it did not tk over night to get that way, it will not be an easy fix.. others disscouraged me, womens shelters told me to walk away and said it does not happen often they get help.. but i was determined. i love him in sickness and in health,, but you have to be in a safe palce first so he can be with out you and realize the loss.. good luck

11:02 am
June 29, 2012


jordan.s

Member

posts 31

Post edited 10:15 pm – July 1, 2012 by ShiningLight


I'm sorry to hear about you and your husband's problems. However, there is some good that can come out of this. First off, I think (if you haven't already) you need to talk to him one-on-one about how him talking to other women bothers you. What exactly is he doing that upsets you and how is that affecting your self-esteem, if any? I don't think you should totally blame your self-esteem on your marriage problems, as it can stem from may areas. However, perhaps taking a different approach to why this is happening, why your husband is helping, and how to move forward is a way to help you understand how your self-esteem changes. One way to do so is try and explore other activities. Being vulnerable is one way that will help you figure out how your personality works and what to do about it. This may seem difficult, but some sort of soul searching may be the key to your help. I'm curious, how did the counseling sessions go? I don't think that should be a totally closed door. In many cases, marriages need professional counseling and each one is different. You can try individual therapy where hopefully you can be more open to the counselor without the fear of judgement from your husband. Obviously, you will need to talk to him about what you say to the counselor, but having the space to be free is the first step. Hope this helps!


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