Would like support from others on dealing with teenage child with substance abuse | General Support | Forum

I am going through a very difficult time in my home with my son.  He is one of three (middle) and I am a single parent.  I have tried for a very long time to come to terms with many of his troubles and it seems that his situation and how it affects our family is only getting worse and making everyone very tense.  He refuses to get help, spends most of his days away from the house and only returns to sleep, shower and eat.  He has been very truant at school and is learning disabled with ADHD.  Yesterday was the beginning of a new semester for him and he missed the entire day.  He slept until 2:00 in the afternoon, then left again to his best friends place where he continues to use his substance.  This has been going on for a very long time.  Last night after calling the friend's house and trying to get him back home so that he could sleep and wake for school this morning, I finally gave up.  I have realized that he is making me sick with worry and that every time that I get that way, the next feeling is anger.  I realized that I have expectations of him and that those expectations are just resentments waiting to happen for me.  So, I have decided to stop trying to wake him for school, stop trying to call him back home, and stop allowing my mind to suffer from his problems.  I figure if he wants to behave like a boarder here in my house, neglect his schooling, disrepect the house rules, then he will just need to face the consequences of his actions on his own.  For 15 years I have tried to care for him the best way I know how.  I am tired of his false promises, his verbal and physical abuse, his overall disrespect and that he thinks that somehow I should support his addiction.

If anyone has anything to say about my position, please send me a post.  Many professionals have tried to force me into the "tough love" approach, but every time I have tried to inforce it, the situation becomes even more chaotic for the entire family.

I know it is hard to understand a situation unless you are actually living in it, but maybe just talking about it might help.

If you would never created a bad situation one day then why did you post those same exact words on Free's thread?

Post edited 4:31 pm – February 8, 2012 by free

Excuse me mia, I can speak for myself.  What oneday posted was also said to bevdee.  Neither one of us responded to her.  I didn't because I'd rather not for my own reasons.  Thanks for sticking up for me, but please in the future, let me take care of myself unless  I ask for help.  Thanks.

free

Hi one day,  I have walked many miles in your shoess.  My son is 23 and continues to struggle with addiction.  He was very much like your son in his teens and I can so relate to your feelings of stress and frustration.  We were so fearful that we would find him dead in a ditch one day, he was that bad.  We sent him to one of those schools for troubled teens, out of state, for basicaaly his junior year of high school.  He made some progress there, but came back (we should have moved) to the same enviornment and after a few months all the progress came undone.  His dad and I failed to be consistent with discipline and consequences.  We had him arrested for vandalizing my new car, very ugly scene.  He spent 3 nights in juvy….that got his attention, but only made him more angry.  He was put on probation, weekly drug testing, counseling etc.  so he had to tow the line for several months.  He started using again after the probation ended.  He did manage to graduate from high school with me riding butt and calling his teachers every week.  

Anyway, it goes on and on.   I can't say it would have made a difference, but we failed to be consistent with discipline and consequences.  We did not seek help for ourselves within some kind of support network like alanon.   I remember being so relieved when he turned 18, that way, if he did anything, we could no longer be held liable for his actions.  How sad is that?  There are some bright spots, when he did have a job, he did pretty good, the first good job he got lasted about 1 1/2 years, then he got layed off and the bottom dropped out…..massive opiate addiction, started using heroin, stealing stuff from family members.  It was soooo awful.  He ended up in rehab and did great, until it came to the transitional living, he couldn't hack it, left and showed up on our doorstep.  I should have never allowed him to stay….but in my sick co-dependent way, I convinced my husband to let him stay.  We've been thru alot of other stuff and have learned some lessons along the way….

So, if I may suggest, take care of yourself first and foremost.  Try alanon, get some counseling, talk to other parents, your family.  You are not the only one this is happening too….you will be surprised at how many people have gone thru this, or had a friend or another family member in similar circumstances.   If he won't get help, at some point he will get into trouble and be forced into counseling, probation what ever….let him suffer those consequences.  Call the parents of the friend he is using drugs with.  Even if they are aware of what's going on and for whatever reason condoning it, letting them know that you are aware of what is going on will make it very difficult and uncomfortable for them to continue to allow that to happen…..heck, call child protective services and have them come out and investigate if their are minors in the home using drugs.  Don't allow your son to engage you in conversations when he is disrespectful, tell him you will speak with him when he can talk to you in a calm respectful manner and walk away.  Don't give him money.  Check with the school, they may have some resources or referrals that can help.  Take away his phone, his video games, whatever priviledges he may have in the house, he doesn't deserve them.  Good luck to you, it is a tough road to go down.

Haythere,

Yes, yes & yes.  I have been through pretty much all this and I continue to seek out the support of all those services.  Do not beat yourself up for taking your son back into your home.  While it may very well be co-dependent behaviour, he is your son.  You must forgive yourself.  I agree that he must not disrespect you in your home or eleswhere and that he must know that there are total and clear consequences for his actions in your home & that you must try your darndest to follow through with everything you say to him.  Remain steadfast as much as you can.  It is not always possible.  Last week I had a personal tragedy in my life that left me unable to really focus my energy on my son and for the most part, he stepped up and realized that he had no choice but to follow the rules.

I don't know if it will last, but out of a very sad occurence that affected the entire families' lives forever, I am hoping that my son has learned a valuable lesson about how fragile our lives are, and what it means to respect and honour his family and take good care of himself and those he loves.

All I can do is pray each and everyday that he remembers.  If it took what happened to help him to see things just a little closer to reality so be it.  If not, all I can do is continue to be strong and hope that his bottom comes sooner rather than later.

Addiction issues in general and the war on addiction is what the world must deal with today.  It is a personal journey into the depths of your own personal demons which you can only face when you are ready and willing.  No one can prepare you to be ready.  I have firsthand seen so many success stories coupled with stories of individuals who have relapsed over and over again.  It is my belief and only my own belief, that only a very strong minded person can find a path through to recovery.  Sometimes I think it takes a million times of falling into the behaviour over and over again before the person learns that the consequence of his/her actions will only result in a negative outcome.  Holding that picture of "what transpires next" at the forefront of his/her mind is the preventative step in falling back into the addictive behaviour.

It is sad for me to have to tell you that I also know of individuals who after being very successful in their recovery chose on their own to decide that a life of being addicted to whatever substance or thing was more important to them then to recover.  While on the outside we might find it almost impossible to accept that decision, we simply cannot control this choice.  We must only lead by example as people and parents.  All we can really do is keep praying.

I pray for your son & all those people who are suffering.

One Day

Haythere,

once again thank you for your kindness and for your continued sharing.  Your life is hard.  You must first take care of yourself at this time and I see that you are trying to do that.

So true what you said about an addict with real chronic pain and the pain meds.  They do become addicted to the meds due to their addiction gene most times.

Sometimes the fear of death does help, but in essence I feel that most addicts are generally in slow suicide mode anyways.  They do not really enjoy their substance.  It has consumed them and their lives, it is their demon and diety all at once.  The substance takes momentarily their intense pain, sadness and at times even their anger, but then they are left back at the beginning with perhaps more financial loss, more distance between themselves and those they love.

What I have ascertained in my life is that the addiction is an affliction of the mind.  Faith helps if it is sought but cannot be forced.  I also feel it is a deep seated infant attachment issue for most addicts.  Somehow they are always people that are intensely sensitive.  They are big hearted.  If they are abusive or argumentative they are usually rather remorseful for their actions.  Generally, I find the addict is a very passive good person unless he/she is without their substance of choice.  Watching them, they are usually have brilliant minds, are expert liars when it comes to getting what they need.  Almost as if they are fighting for their lives in essence and a demon has possessed them.  Nothing and no one will stand in their way.

They have lost large in their lives that is certain.  Not unlike a cancer the addiction attacks their entire being, they can if they choose and have the mental capacity to stop for a time or transfer one addiction for another, but there is no cure I am sorry to say.

There was a time when I beat myself up for having my children.  I wish I had thought longer and harder about the prevalence of such a gene on both sides of our family.  I do at times feel very responsible. 

One Day

Haythere,

Do not give up on him, at the same time, do not forget that your inner serenity each day.  The least he can do in my opinion is treat you with respect as a parent and follow the rules of the house if and when he returns.

I know that I spend or used to spend much time focusing on my sons lifestyle and I was continually trying to figure out what intrigued him into this world of his own making.  I thought If I understood it, I could change it.  It's when I realized that I was beating myself up and hurting myself and just not being the person that I normally am, that I got sick, could not sleep nights with worry & in general lost my inner balance and serenity.  No matter where my son is, I worry about him, just as I do his brothers.  The truth is our children are ours, but they are on loan.  Eventually they find their own road to travel.  You and I will not stop loving them when that happens & we will still worry, but all we can really do is be support for them if they reach out for it and tell them as many times as we can that we love them.

Yes, Hey,

he has changed for the time being.  He is adhering to rules of the house, he attends school as best as he can, he meets his nightly curfew and is being respectful when speaking and has not been physically abusive in any way.  He still refuses counseling though.

In a very profound manner, I suppose you could say that I am not a typical parent in that I really do honour the rights of a child and I have always tried within age appropriate times to give my children some choice in their lives because I believe they deserve it.  While he may never decide to go for help, he knows its available.

Like I said In my lifetime I have seen many people be forced into rehab and then relapse.  Can I get him to bottom quicker somehow?  I really doubt that and I really doubt that it is in my right as a human never mind a parent to try to do that.

All I can do is tell him that this is our home and as a member he must honour it and all those that live in it & that we in turn will do the same for him.

That the rules are not always pleasant, but that they exist for a reason and that without them we could not be a family unit.

I am sure that if your son was willing to follow those simple rules, he would also be welcome back into your home right?

One Day

Haythere,

right now as we speak he is being so rude and refuses to go to school.  He will not change.  I don't think your son will either.  At home, in a shelter, were ever they go, they are choosing to do whatever they feel like doing and my son is not of age so it is a little bit more aggravating for me.  You have tried your best it sounds for your son and he is 23.  In many countries 23 year old males are Fathers with complete families of their own.  You have done what you could to find reasonable places for him to stay.  He has squandered his money time and again.  His "stuff" as he refers to it, is his "stuff" so give it to him and yes let him go.  Why should you waste one more ounce of your strength fighting with him?