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Why wont he admit he cheated????

UserPost

4:02 pm
April 4, 2006


sleepysad

New Member

posts -1

i found so much evidence, like long hours on the phone and voicemail messages about me being at work and coming by to pick her up. his voice, and he still is denying! do men (people) always deny this way? why wont he admit??

4:33 pm
April 4, 2006


revelation

New Member

posts -1

Hmmm…I don't know if anyone can answer that question exept him…you might never ever get him to admit it.

There is lots of reasons, depending on what type of person he is. But my guess is, if he has cheated, he won't admit it because he thinks if he does then you will have the upper-hand…its about control! He'll feel a loss of control over your relationship and over you if he admits to cheating.

Just my opinion!

Rev.

8:21 pm
April 4, 2006


lollipop3

New Member

posts -1

Sleepy,

I know how hurt and frustrated you must be and I'm sorry that you are going through this. My guess is…he will never admit it as long as he doesn't have to.

What I mean by that is that by you trying to get him to ADMIT….he is in control of the situation. You are still talking to him. You are still trying to understand. You are giving him your power. You mentioned that you have "so much evidence"…so why do you need him to admit it. It seems you already have the answer.

Are you willing to leave the relationship? Does he think that you will NOT leave the relationship?

As I said…as long as he feels he doesn't have to admit it…chances are he won't.

Take care and good luck,
Lolli

8:28 pm
April 4, 2006


snowlover

New Member

posts -1

Sleepy,

I agree with what Rev and Lolli both said. Im in the same situation as you right now. He isnt going to admit it as long as he doesnt think he has to. Ive busted mine so many times in the past, always confronted him, and he ALWAYS denied it. This time, I didnt confront him, I just told him he was an asshole and a liar, and havent spoke to him since. I wouldnt even tell him why I was mad.

As long as youre trying to get him to admit to something you already KNOW he did, then hes in control, and he knows it. Hes not worried, he knows you care enough to want a confession.

Maybe…try a different approach. But…first, you have to decide what you want the outcome of this to be. Are you still hanging on to hope of salvaging the relationship? or are you done? No one can decide that but you. And I know how hard that is to decide.

Hugs….Snow

11:17 pm
April 4, 2006


sleepisad

New Member

posts -1

(has to change nickname for some reason)

well its been hard. i am so sick over this. i know he will never admit it and unfortunately i am to weak to leave. i believe him at times and then i dont and its really killing me. i have lost so much weight over this and to top it all off i might be pregnant to. i had a very light line on the test and still havent started my period. maybe its all from stress. this would be our first child too. i hate my life, i have so many things going on, heroin addict family members, murders, deaths from ods(just for starters) and now this. i am afraid im going to crack.

11:51 pm
April 4, 2006


RedheadedAngel

New Member

posts -1

I am going through the same exact thing, as a matter of fact that is why I came here tonight myself. I have had so many suspisions, for so long and he keeps denying it. Then Saturday mornining he got a text message from her that said "I Love You", he said it was just a joke and that she just loves him as a friend. And he expects me to just believe this and accept it.

I also have made myself sick over it. I have now lost 60 pounds. And stay miserable. All I want is my "old life" back. This is making me crazy. I just wish he would admit it and I could atleast go through the normal steps of anger and forgivenes, etc. but, I am just left empty and feeling like I must be going crazy.

1:30 am
April 5, 2006


lost lady

New Member

posts -1

i have dealt with this too. RedheadedAngel, where did your man meet the other women? my husband made friends with a chick from work and kept it a secret from me and i keep finding all sorts of things(voice mails, text messages) and he either is like i meant this blalbla.. or i dont know why i called her when you were out of town, i cant remember. its making me crazy. i wish he would stop treating me like an idiot and fess up, i know hes too afraid of losing me though and knows i will flip out. i think of fleaving sometimes, but want what we had back so bad and its hard to consider it over if he doesnt confirm it. i hope we all learn the truth. if any men can tell me what might be going on when men do this it would be helpful (btw i am not saying women dont do this, but they may act differently then men)

5:47 am
April 5, 2006


revelation

New Member

posts -1

Girls…I'm going to be hard on you…I'm sorry, I have to.

You are being "victims" you are letting these men control your actions…I've been where you are…and its not good, you keep on letting this happen and these men will take away your whole identity.

You have two choices here:

Be Controlled: Let these men have their way, not admitting to an affair, knowing that you will stay…giving them the options to up and leave you whenever they wish to.

Do not be controlled: State: "I'm leaving right now, I don't care if you admit to this affair or not, my gut tells me you are not being straight, you are not investing as much emotion into our relationship as I am, therefore its not an equal relationship" "An equal relationship is what I want and what I deserver, I won't waste anymore time with you, I will go and pack now"

Look into finding your own place…get out…find someone you deserve!!!

Please! I've been where you are, I chose to be controlled…when I was surplus to requirements he left (I was pregnant, I later miscarried) he turned his back completely and didn't want to know…Yes he said he loved me…but he could easily walk away because he had invested little or no real emotion into the relationship…please don't let this happen to you.

xx, and all my strength to you,
Rev.

5:54 am
April 5, 2006


snowlover

New Member

posts -1

Rev,

Thanks for being hard. I, along with many others Im sure, needed to hear that. Youre EXACTLY right. He hasnt invested as much into this as I have, thats why its so easy for him to behave the way he is.

Think about it ladies….if we dont believe we deserve better, then how will anyone else believe we do. People treat us the way we teach them to, and the way we allow them to. If the cheater cheats, and you stay, then youre teaching him its okay to do that.

It doesnt matter that Ive invested 20 years with this man. What matters is that i dont invest 20 more.

Snow

5:54 am
April 5, 2006


CAMER

Member

posts 100

((well said Revelation))) and its true…be controlled or be IN control…..i think so many of us women would be better off without the cheating men, and yes, its worth it….be alone, be pain free, no more wondering, and yes, you may have a broken heart, but look more at the pain you will go thru being *in* the relationship, than being out of it.

Turn your love inward girls, on yourself and know you are worth so much more.

much love, camer

1:33 pm
April 6, 2006


RedheadedAngel

New Member

posts -1

Lost Lady, this woman is also from my husband's office. I am trying so hard to believe him. That obviously would be the easiest thing. But, I just can't get thoughts out of my head.

2:24 pm
April 6, 2006


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

thanks rev and lolli and camer.

You are so right. Girls. i too have found incriminating text message, and 'evidence'..hey picture of a girl in my house and clothes in my dryer!.

I am still denying to myself that he actually slept with one of them! ha..
I tell myself he was only doing drugs with them..ha… IN my heart HE is a CHEATER.!'
GIrls! Why does he have to come out and tell you??? he is a cheater..sneaky..a liar..they WONT tell the truth out of fear of what you will do when your 'gut-feelings' are confirmed!! Why should they tell you unless they want to leave? they don't .. They want their cake and eat it too. and if they tell you they are cheating then they think you will either leave or cheat on them..!

Isn't it ENOUGH that girls are calling their cell phones?

Yes girls…it is UNfortunate for YOU that you are sick over this and stressed over this and too weak to leave. FOrtunate for your lying sneaky man!! though isn't it? Is that fair? Do you deserve this?

Sorry I am angrily writing this FOR MY weak ass! ha ha..
thanks rev
TDM

3:00 pm
April 6, 2006


tracylyn

New Member

posts -1

I don't wrote much anymore ladies but really felt compelled to add something here.

Please think about who you are and what you want. Do you have a daughter, sister, mother, best friend…think of them being where you are, wouldn't your advise be to take off the rose colored glasses and see what is going on. No excuses, no denial, where there is smoke there is fire.

With all the evidence you each speak of here. Why is there a need for him to admit it. Think of a court hearing. A defendant can claim not-guilty and take that to the grave yet when all the evidence is there – a jury or judge still find them guilty. He never has to admit it.

Whether there is infidelity or not, there is suspision and you are making yourselves sick with worry. That isn't what a healthy relationship looks like.

You deserve more. You deserve better. Imagine if you will a life where you relax, you don't jump when his phone rings or feel sick when he gets a text. You don't have to check his pockets or look thru his car. This isn't healthy and each of you deserves better.

Please take care of you. Look at what this is doing to each of you mentally and physically. You've given away your power. He can't take it away if it's not there for the taking. Believe in yourself and believe in what you offer someone. Hold your head high and refuse to be the victim any longer.

Ask yourself why you endure such heartache. Why do you stay. Why the need for admitting. Will knowing change anything. Why the suspision. What does the agony and the worry do for you. You cannot change what is going on unless you make changes.

Peace and love and strength to each of you.

t

3:09 pm
April 6, 2006


tracylyn

New Member

posts -1

Maybe I don't "wrote" because I can't spell. LOL

I also wanted to actually answer the question at hand.

He knows that as long as he does not admit to anything then you will always have doubt. He knows that that doubt will enable your denial and that you might eventually believe his excuses because you love him and want so badly to believe him. He knows that where there is doubt there is a chance.

Also, although you'd never think it, he fells guilt for what he's done and even though it was the act that hurt you he believes that if he never tells you then he will save you from that heartache. He doesn't realize that the truth would set your agony free so that you can begin processing and healing. (What you don't realize is that you don't need the truth to start processing and healing).

By telling you he would have to admit to himself too that he truly messed up. By keeping it secret he protects himself, he feels he is protecting you, and he remains in control of how it all plays out.

t

3:58 pm
April 6, 2006


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

thanks t,,
that makes alot of sense. as I was reading "imagine a life where you can relax, you don't jump when the cell phone rings, you don't have to check his pockets …." I was feeling a bit sick as I have done all of that..

Now, I just called his cellphone and found out he changed his password. I had learned his code and had been checking for some time. There were incriminating messages and I was always afraid to confront him with it as I was 'snooping' and felt guilty for that and because I didn't want him to know I knew his password so I could keep on checking for that one voicemail that would REALLY incriminate him and prove him guilty!

But when I finally found this website,
I realized that I had a RIGHT to find out what he was doing behind my back and that it didn't matter if he knew I knew. What mattered was that what HE is doing is WRONG. Recieving calls from other girls outside the relationship is just WRONG in itself!
It IS cheating! It is NOT fair! I told him about the messages because I WANTED him to know I knew!

It IS very UNHEALTHY to be in that kind of relationship where you cannot trust your mate! TIme to leave! If I could pack my bags I swear I would be gone. I can't leave as the house and bills are all in my name. He has to leave and I am having trouble with that as I feel so guilty to put him out when I know he will barely be able to survive. I know he is a grown man and I am not responsible for him. I know that I do not deserve this. I know this..but he still is a nice person with an addiction he can't seem to stop..so I feel sorry..

BUt I know what I have to do. I have to be strong and feel sorry for myself first. I don't deserve a man who cheats and lies. I don't cheat and lie. I deserve a real man with integrity. Until I find a man like that I want to be ALONE! Thanks ..
lets be strong not weak and stupid!
TDM

4:09 pm
April 6, 2006


tracylyn

New Member

posts -1

Hey tdm, glad I could help.

I've been there too and I know that feeling and it sucks like nothing else. The anxiety and the stress is awful. What we need to realize is that the very second we feel the need to snoop, feel anxious when his phone rings, or doubt what he is telling us, that is the time we know that the relationship is not healty and only we can change it.

If my life is not happy – only I can take steps down the path to get it there. Right now, he's causing your pain but you allow it.

We all know the struggles and how hard it is to walk away. You want to know if it's you. You want to know why. Your self esteem takes a beating to the point of near death. No one expects you to pack your bags and walk out the door right this second.

The first step is admitting it to yourself without doubt and start taking the steps to make YOU happy. Giving up the need to know will be your most rewarding change. If you already know…stop checking, stop asking, stop worrying, it only reopens the wound. Now is the time to let it heal.

t

7:55 pm
April 6, 2006


Guest

posts

I learned through this experience, that they really don't care. You and I both know that we wouldn't do that to someone we loved. Different value system perhaps. Keep searching. Sometimes it the third bite of pie before its taste and aroma overcome us. Yet we can't make someone love us no matter how hard we try. They either choose to or not. So we keep searching

8:27 pm
April 6, 2006


Guest

posts

Thanks Rev for your strong and inspiring words.

8:56 pm
April 6, 2006


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

thanks t,
for giving it to us straight..and for knowing just how I feel. sobbing now..
you're right. I already know. checking up on him for 'proof is only causing me more grief..

one step at a time.

.today I will make a promise to myself to not even look anymore.
and to treat myself to something nice this weekend..like lunch with my mother..or a movie..or book. quit GIVING him more of my life by 'watching' and 'worrying' about what he's up too.
thanks all.

9:16 pm
April 6, 2006


Bazil 1

New Member

posts -1

Ladies…I just want to add….i an relate reading your posts all too well…but the thing is…my ex was doing the same as your ex's except she's a female…and it does happen the other way around. This one huy in particular kept calling her six times a day…but she was too polite to tell him to stop…then he'd come around are place when i wasn't there …every now and then with his wife( they're swingers) . They always wanted to get her in the sack and it really bothered me , him calling and she's call hime sometimes when she needed something fixed ( she lives in the country. He'd do it for nothing. So i questioned her a lot over this but she assured me it was nothing …that he's just handy and a nice guy. Even thoi he's older and ugly…he still bothered me…but she's still be friends with him sorta.
then she told me one day how she stood up to his advance one day and said…" you just wanna f!@#$ em don't you ?" and he smiled . then she told him to leave….he was parked in the driveway talking to her. I was happy to hear that kinda ( but wondered if it was just to put my mind at ease). I found out a month later that she was over at their house having drinks with them. I called her on her cell…she answered and told me she'd call me back later tonight….but she never called. I always wondered if they had a threesome that night….why didn't she call me back? why was she over there in the first place.??? Shwe always maintained that she new they were swingers but she was just friends with them…thats it. She said god!!! Bazil…you'll never trust me will you? why don't you just believe me?…..I was torn….my gut was telling me she was up to something. But i knew deep down that she loved me and wouldn't cheat on me….and they're both alot older than her and pretty scary looking. At minimum her relationship with him was innapropriate i think. But she never would admit it. I don't get that! Beacuse her seldf esteem is low…i guess i just figured and because she's co dep. that she was just being nice to them and couldn't say no to an invite over to their house. But it still makes me sick to think what might have been going on. Ever since i found out about my ex.s drug and alcohol problem…mostly the cocaine abuse and binging…I never could trust her. And it drove me crazy. Her body language was all about lies …but i believed she loved me more than anything and she'd never cheat. But i was going crazy with jealousy and mistrust. She never could see that the coke and deception she did made it immpossible for me to trust her. I know for sure she lied and did coke all the time and drank like a fish. MY big issues with her that drove me even crazier was that she could be cheating. I don't have any real evidence that she was…just suspicion based on shady activity by her. Sjhe may have slept with ten different guys while we were going out or maybe she was telling me the truth …that she never would. I dunno. One thing for sure …the swinger guy situatuion was an innapropriate relationship that caused us a lot of issues with trust…….can anyone comment here…I'd appreciate it……Bazil

9:37 pm
April 6, 2006


Bazil 1

New Member

posts -1

Sorry for all the bad grammar and spelling mistakes.
I wanted to add that she'd never tell the truth if she could get away with it. Even when it seemed obvious. That really bothered me….I guess she did not want to lose any amount of control in the relationship. I'm so mad at her just thinking about it because truth and honesty are so vital. But she never saw the big picture like that. She'd stop at nothing to tell a lie if it meant it'd save an argument or me maybe getting upset with her. I rem,ember in the beginning of the relationship thinking that ….the relationship is more important to her tha honesty and communication. She couldn't be honest with me or discuss much…..i guess for fear of an argument or disagreement. But she did everything she could to win me over…Making me a Denny's breakfast every morning…getting up at 5am and making my lunch for work…..buying me clothes and everything…..getting me a beer….catering to me. I wasn't use to this at all. It though me right off at first. all i wanted was her mind and body…a friend and a lover and to communicate with her. But soon i realized she was not emotionally present…at least to any degree that i needed…but once in a while we'd connect like majic….and that kept me hanging on. She thought the world and all of me and told me that i was too good for her…but i never really understood till later that she really believed it. I should have gotten out of that relationship in the first 3 weeks….but i always have problems beaking up with girls ….i feel lonely and find it impossible to do ( most of the time).
Later on i found out she was an addict of sorts( i'm still not sure to what degree) to cocaine. That and being very codependent made our relationship a living hell. also i 'd like to add that i'm have lots of issues too…none of them drug related or alcohol. I'm much different than her …..but i loved her with all my heart and would have stuck by her getting help etc…..but she just blames me for everything and hasa huge amount of anger that could last 10 lifetimes. Sadly i broke up with her about 3 months ago now……we talked alittle and saw each other twice but its over now…she hates me apparently. I hope her hate will die down and she'll want to see me again and we can be together…..but thats denial and fantasy talking …..but i still cling to that a little. funny. …..I miss her so much. e said some really hateful things to each other a couple weeeks ago that i think will make it impossible for us to ever be friends again…..who knows. I was seeing her for a year and 3 months….and we broke up about 3 months ago. I still think of her everyday and hope she'll call me and want me back or just wanna chat…..If i was smart i'd steer clear fo her for the rst of my life. Whats wrong with me?….. Its like i 'd rather live a miserable life with her than b lonely….So I'm screwed up here too as you can see…..but god….I miss her sooo much…….Bazil

9:38 pm
April 6, 2006


LotusTampa

New Member

posts -1

Here's a thought:

Intuition is an instinct. Trust it.

I ignored my "gut" so many times with my ex-N that it literally made me sick!

He had so much control over the relationship and knew it. He lied to me once I know of…so, who knows really what was going on with him.

I don't even care anymore.

I do not have diarreah anymore, I do not worry excessively about all the "what if's"…

If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck, acts like a duck…guess what? It's a DUCK! Quack Quack!

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, ya know!

I'm only speaking like this because I've been there and it SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS!

I will NEVER again allow someone to have that much control over me. NEVER.

9:44 pm
April 6, 2006


LotusTampa

New Member

posts -1

Bazil,

I'm really sorry for your pain. I really do understand that depth of love you are talking about. It makes ya crazy, doesn't it?

I wish there was something I could do or say to make that pain go away for you, but alas, I cannot.

Dealing with my own pain, disappointment and realization that my relationship was basically emotional fraud is tough enough.

I will send love out into the Universe for you.

Feel better…

Love,
Lotus

10:29 pm
April 6, 2006


Bazil 1

New Member

posts -1

thanks lotus , your words mean a lot.Yes…good wording…emotional fraud. true. you know , part of what makes me sad is..or mad..i dunno now….is that i believe she never had bad intentions in the beginning…she just wanted someone to love her….just like i did. And she hid a lot and i fell in love with her…after it was too late…well thats my fault tooo isn't it…?…yes. But i still ( being the eternal optimist) think that …if she could just get help and stop telling lies and doing coke ….and plan for a future…we'd be fine…really if she could just stop telling lies……but none of it is possible i don't think….sad isn't it. really i feel like nothing is ruined for good…its all fixable. But thats probably very foolish of me….and i wonder what drives that thinking in me…? Am i afraid of being alone…enough to have her back? or did i just legitimately love her with all my heart? i dunno…maybe a bit of both. I'm still confused…but with every
passing day…it'll get a little easier i'm sure. and its good trhat she's not calling me….cuz i'm striong enough to not call her now….and its taken a lot to be that way. But i fear that she'll be drunk or in a bad way one of these nights and call me….and we'll get together and have and intense fusing that we have together and it'll start the whole ball rolling again…..but ….thats not likely……thanks so much….Bazil

9:15 pm
April 11, 2006


thedogsmom

New Member

posts -1

Hi Bazil,
I'm sorry for all your pain. I do believe I know just how you feel. It hurts to be in a relationship without trust. To be in a relationship with a chronic liar. People lie because they are afraid to face the consequences of what the truth might bring. They lie to 'hide' thier actions when they know it would bring dissaproval but when they want to do the actions anyway. You said.."you believed in the beginning that to her the relationship was more important than honesty and communication", and this may be how she felt. BUT how can you have a relationship WITHOUT honesty and communication? You CAN but it WON"T be a GOOD one!. My b/f ALSO lies he says because he doesn't want to hurt me!!! THEN WHY IS HE hurting me by continuing to do drugs and hang out with other woman???!! LIES hurt!!!
My relationship sounds much like yours..whereas my b/f also is SUCH a NICE GUY! He is ALWAYS catering to me…bringing me tea…handling affairs/chores that are mine…
He is truly a DREAM to live with..NEVER raising his voice..Always pleasant, patient and easy going…
BUT THIS IS THE TRICK!.. THey will go out of there way to PROVE their LOVE and SHOWER you with LOVE and KINDNESS..BUT when it comes to the things that really matter the most!!! TRUST and HONESTY… oops…sorry…can't give you THAT! gotta have my drug fix!.. Gotta have my fun!.. I even relate to the swinger friends part of your story!
My b/f recently introduced me to this couple who we hung out with one time.
Then I found out that they were swingers. I did not want to hang out with them anymore…nor did I want my b/f to hang out with them. He came home late one night and I suspected he was with them and confronted him. He started to lie about it..but then told the truth after being confronted.
FUNNY ..he is such a smart man, but can't seem to UNDERSTAND why it would bother me for him to hang out with them……
I think these people are SELFISH! Even though they GIVE GIVE and GIVE..by cooking you breakfast..buying you clothes..etc…
THEY only GIVE what THEY WANT! NOT what you NEED!.
Tell me Bazil.. How did you break it off with her? DId she live with you?
Please don't take her back. I know she is a kind person and you had fun with her and still have feelings…but she needs to FIX herself first. She needs to realize where she went wrong in the relationship and sounds like she needs to get off the drugs first. You can't make her do that! STAY AWAY!..
You are right.."" IF ONLY>>>she could/would Stop telling lies, stop doing coke and plan for the future"""

yes … IF ONLY> but that is YOUR dream. Hers..includes doing coke..which means it includes lying since you disaprove …and there IS NO FUTURE with her… unless SHE feels she needs help and gets it on her own.
Your love Can't make her do that!
YOU have NO CONTROL! so.. you already did the hardest thing.. breaking it off with her. BE STRONG!!
keep the NO CONTACT..till your feelings for her fade.!
hang in there..
TDM


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