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Why We Must Have NO Contact With a Sociopath

UserPost

1:55 am
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Are you dealing with a sociopath? Then have absolutly NO Contact.

The best way to deal with a socipath is not to deal with him. Reject him. Cut him off. Have absolutely NO Contact.

No Contact means do not talk to him on the phone. Do not send, open or reply to e-mail. No IM or texting. No cards, letters, or packages. And certainly do not see him (All of this applies to female socipaths as well.)

If you're in the midst of legal battles with a socipath, let all communication go through your lawyer, accountant or another intermdeiary.

Easier said than done.

If you've been snared by a socipath, you may find that you have difficulty maintaining No Contact. You may find yourself thinking about him and wanting to talk to him. Here are some of the reasons-& why they are not good reasons:

1. Your still in love with him. The person you loved never existed. It was an illusion created by the socipath to manipulate you. If you still ave feelings for him, they are feelings for what you wanted him to be. not for what he is.

2. You feel sorry for him. The socipath may cry, plead & grovel, insisting that he will change. You want to believe him. Unfortunately, this is not the case with sociopaths-they do not change. He is using the pity play, trying to take advantage of your good nature and suck you in again. Dont fall for it.

3. You dont want to admit you were wrong. You may bave a lot invested in the relationship especially if he's been taking money from you- and you dont want to lose everything. Your think you can force im to make you whole. Yes, you may negotiate, and he may agree to repay you. But dont expect him to actually do it.

4. You want to have the last wore. You want him to understand how he hurt you. You want him to apologize. Heres what you need to know: He will never understand your feelings, because socipaths hae no empathy. If he apologizes, it will only be a tactic to bleed you some more.

5. Better the devil you know. Some people would reather put up with emotional, psychological and even physical abuse thatn face the unknown. If this is you, understand that it is unlikely he will treat you any better in the future, and it is very likely that he will treat you worse. The unknown may be scary, but it also offers a chance for a new life.

Change the dynamics

Why is No Contact Important? Sociopaths are experts atr breaking down their victims, piece by piece. If you have contact with him, you will be back in his game and he will continue to manipulate you. To begin your recovery, you must put him out of your life.

"No Contact changes the dynamics of the situation. The victim is now in control".

With No Contact, you are saying "NO MORE".

Out of the Blue

Months or even years after you end it with the sociopath, he may shw up again. He'll tell you he's in trouble, and you're the only one who can help him. What do you do? Dont bail him out. Ignore him. Let him suffer the consequences of his beharior.

He's testing to see if he can start bleeding you again. Remember, socipaths do not changs.

2:21 am
August 8, 2007


lalasgirl

New Member

posts -1

destinystar,
wow. how well you speak of my husband. do you know him? I know you are right. i just hate admitting it. here i am in this forum (wee hours of the a.m.)because i am up thinking about how i want to be with him. but he is gone. there is an injunction for no contact. it is a good thing. he did try to rip me to shreds and told me this was ALL MY FAULT…that i was to blame that he was the victim……he is just as you say….but worse. thanks for the guidelines. i did go to the web and plugged in sociopath…wow….it is his middle name. and mine is co-dependant. or rather WAS co-dependant…i'm changing my name this time. i have to or be eaten alive by every sociopath that comes into my life.

5:41 am
August 8, 2007


lemoni

New Member

posts -1

Destinystar, thanks for those words, they will help me stay away. Imso glad I found this site. Already i'm feeling less isolated.

Yes Lalasgirl, isn't it amazing when you see all the symptoms in your partner and realise how whats actually been happening. And also the criterea for codep. The description of the type of upbringing that would create codep was so painfully close to my own family dynamic; severe critism, never good enough. I was left with the fear of failure and letting ppl down and became to eager to please, to ready to put myself last to the point of colapse. I'm having a melt down now. I gave up work to look after my dad who is schitzophrenic. My mum is it seems sociopath/ narc. The thing about sociopaths is they seem to be able to affect you even from a distance. I relocated 10 years ago to get away from my mum, for my and my daughters sake. yet still my mum manipulates us.I have tried to protect my daughter from this and still continue to do so. Really wish you all the best in your escape from these devastating ppl.

5:43 am
August 8, 2007


chardy

New Member

posts -1

Destinystar

You know my husband too! I shall print this and read it often.

Thank you

Chardy

11:15 am
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

lala- It sounds like this man is true to form. When you read up on information about sociopaths you can realize that he is nothing more than a walking personality disorder. I am sure you realize now the he was that way before you met him, while you were with him and will continue being that way long after you are gone. Nothing you do or say has any effect on them. They have no empathy for their victims. They always blame their vicitims. The only way you can get your power back is to ignore them. They hate that worse than anything.

11:20 am
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Lemoni- Thank you for sharing! You can also apply no contact to mom. Even though it is harder than hell. My mom is such a narcissit, soc. that she doesnt ever contact me.

11:21 am
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Chardy- They are all the same. In order to heal we have to treat them all the same way to. There seems to be enough of them to go around out there.

2:14 pm
August 8, 2007


butterfly4u07

New Member

posts -1

This is a phenominal description of these men who control out good nature. I have known this for so long but I had continued to ignore it.

* I shall print this myself.

There is just a curiosity of how this socio path personality is provoked. His excuses for his actions this past year have been the loss of his sister, hard to believe when it happened 9 years ago, i have not yet experienced such a tragic but to me it all sounds like an excuse because he is the only one who seems to take it this hard.

2:32 pm
August 8, 2007


lalasgirl

New Member

posts -1

butterfly, any excuse is a good excuse when you are in the drunken unaccoutable state. actually mine seemed like he had some good excuses…vietnam vet with the walking dead charlie company….now that is a good excuse for PTSD…but he used it to his advantage and abused the system by not honoring the counseling appts. set for him with very qualified doctors…all reached out to him and he just flipped them off….and continued to use the excuse of being war battered. he fought for our freedom and then terrorized his wife….dah????

3:41 pm
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Butterfly- He said this you would feel sorry for him. You want to believe him. Unfortunately, this is not the case with sociopaths-they do not change. He is using the pity play, trying to take advantage of your good nature and suck you in again. Dont fall for it.

3:58 pm
August 8, 2007


butterfly4u07

New Member

posts -1

Yea…I wish I had no sympathy for people, that is one of my weaknesses and repeatedly my friends and partners take advantage of me because of this. I've forgiven everyone that has ever done wrong to me, and I actually forgave, this excuse for 33's actions was just out of nowhere. Didn't know how to react to such a delicate subject but I will no longer fall for something like that again. It is clear and sad to see that someone would bring up nething to justify what they do, but it will all come together in the end, trying to stand strong here.

4:36 pm
August 8, 2007


lettingo

New Member

posts -1

Destinystar,
You've met my husband! Creat job at describing all the back and forth that goes on with these type of men. Especially the pity and making us think we are the only one. What an ego trip for women who have a low-self esteem. Wow, someone finally needs me! They must choose us so carefully! Again, you hit it on the head!

7:02 pm
August 8, 2007


2shy

New Member

posts -1

Destinystar…thank you so much for posting this. I was online a few hours ago and my ex was online (I still have him on my messenger). He went off-line shortly after I signed online. That really hurt. I was tempted to call him but decided to come on this site first. After reading this post I am once again aware how important NO CONTACT is. He does fit the decription of a sociopath.

I will make a copy of this post and I'll read it over and over again.

7:02 pm
August 8, 2007


2shy

New Member

posts -1

Destinystar…thank you so much for posting this. I was online a few hours ago and my ex was online (I still have him on my messenger). He went off-line shortly after I signed online. That really hurt. I was tempted to call him but decided to come on this site first. After reading this post I am once again aware how important NO CONTACT is. He does fit the decription of a sociopath.

I will make a copy of this post and I'll read it over and over again.

11:18 pm
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Butterfly- Having no contact with you will give you a chance to clear your mind and see him for who he really is. No one knows how to be a victim when they find themselves being abused. It isnt your fault its his. Now you have to regain your self confidence and remember that you have the control to leave and cut all ties.

11:23 pm
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Lettingo- I am going through it with mine. Yes they need us. But we dont need them. It is hard when you are married to them and realize they were nothing more than a waste of time. I am pulling up stakes and restoring myself to where I was before I met him. I must admit I am doing a good job. It doesnt make me happy but going back to it will make me feel worse.

11:25 pm
August 8, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

2shy- That is the only thing they understand. It is hard not to respond but as soon as you do you give up your power and the ball winds up in their court.

12:08 am
August 9, 2007


Guest

posts

Destinystar-

AAC helped me from the start, I don't think I could have had ENOUGH guidance and input at that point. I wish I had read what you wrote years ago. But maybe it wouldn't have penetrated. I was being very thick. People were trying to tell me things about my ex and I wouldn't listen.

When I came to aac years ago, it took a while for me to gain the strength and glean the benefits of the wisdom that the site had to offer. Finally I was able to see the light and break it off with my ex, things became intolerable. Would I have seen it without what I learned in therapy and in aac? Probably not unless something much more tragic happened. I am so grateful for threads like this, and I am still learning.

One thing I feel is different for me than what is described above, and I am only speaking for myself, is that I feel I was more complicit after a while than one who can be considered a victim of a sociopath. I feel that my ex, who was an addict, ACTED like a sociopath when he was actively using. When not, he was an amazing guy- but was that just a sociopath plotting to go back to a life of drugs? I will never know, but I do know that after a while, I knew what to expect and stayed with him anyway. That was my choice. Victims don't choose. In the begining, one can't help but to offer trust to someone who she knows only to be a decent human being. That person may be a con artist, and the vulnerable ARE victims. But for someone like me, to keep going back, that is just bad judgement- impaired by emotion albeit, but choice.

It's hard, I feel to be in recovery from this. I don't feel I can trust anyone right now. Part of me feels in a big way it was just me "wanting what I wanted when I wanted it." I wanted him to be someone he wasn't- someone with a conscience, someone with empathy.

Thanks for the thread Destinystar. I need to keep reading things like this.

-ella

8:19 am
August 9, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

Ella- My husband is an addict and alcoholic. When he was under the influence he behaved like a mentally ill sociopath. When he was clean he could think, and act normally. He is in jail now. And I cannot believe the dramatic difference in his thinking and behavior. I have no idea how he will behave once he is out. You posed a very good question if a person is a sociopath if they only exhibit the behavior when under the influence? About 90% of the crimes committed involve drugs and alcohol. My guess is to truley know a persons nature is to know how they are when they are not under the influence. When one is under the influence they are mentally impaired and cannot make decisions or be evaluated for competency.
Yes you were a victim. You were abused and betrayed. You were systematically targeted deceived by your ex's false mask of sanity. You did not deserve that. You wondered where that wonderful person went. You seemed to be living with Jekyll & Hyde. Well you were. He was a predator you likely never knew anything previously. YOu thought you could educate, help, cure "love it out of him", reverse, change, plead, bargain or negotaite with that abuser you quickly realized it was futile and exactly how he wanted you to react. You finally comprehended he had a problem you could not fix. Abusers are master craftsmen at targeting our caring/nurturing instinct. Now you have accepted the realty of what he was.

9:51 am
August 9, 2007


lalasgirl

New Member

posts -1

mzrella & destiny…
i see the words of letting go and i try my hardest to do just that. but when the no contact rule is broken and you hear the pitifull plea of "I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW MUCH I DESIRE YOU" i have to understand that i have to "let go" of his words too. I hear him saying that to me….now….when he is gone…now when it doesn't matter. He knows those were the words i longed to hear when he was with me…but oh no…now he says them when i am sleeping alone without my husband…now he says: "I WISH I WERE THERE TO HOLD YOU"…so i have to remember how cruel he was to me when he was here….that he couldn't be bothered with loving and touching me….that he hated to be with me…that he used the sexualty as a control method and withheld sex and punished me with NO affection and told me he would never be with me if i didn't do and react as he said. So yes, I do see that a sociopath will use his wiles to his benefit. He doesn't want me but wants to use me. He isn't in love with me…he wants me to be in love with him. He isn't who I imagined him to be he is my imagination. I have to hang up the phone…not hear the intoxicating words that he uses so freely now…now that I can't be with him. This sucks….I need an exorcism because he is evil. he is the predator…he is my undoing. thanks for this thread…i'm taking strength from it and experience from you ladies…thank you for helping me.

3:36 pm
August 9, 2007


lemoni

New Member

posts -1

Lasagirl…I understand so much that feeling that something evil happened to you. I have had two relationships now with sociopathic types. The first one was much worse than my present..He withheld intimacy by way of punishment..warm one day.. then sreaming obsenities the next. I didn't know what was happening. I felt evil coming from him yet couldn't leave. I felt paralysed. I read 'people of the lie' by M Scott Peck just to get a handle on what was going on. He had dark moods but also what looked like light but was false light if you get me. Months after we spilt he was still sending me txt telling me I was a bad person for not forgiving him. Even now when I see him in the street I feel wierd. I think intercourse with these ppl leaves a residue of their energy.I have used white light and ultra violet light viualisation to clean and protect myself. Remember..this is his enrgy, not yours. Sociopaths are mutilators of the heart and soul. Often it is ppl who are close to devine who get attacked. That is what it felt like for me, like I was being attacked on a deep level. DO NOT let him in again. They can only come in if we invite them. It was hard for friends to understand the spiritual side of this and some thought I was nuts. My recent ex is also sociopath but he doesn't seem evil and never withheld affection but tries to control and has extreme jealousy, has one way conversations, shoplifts and uses drugs and is an alcoholic. But he manages to come over as a sane,is well read, well travelled and hugely sexy. There are 4 types. My recent ex is the common type while the other, well he was just darkness I believe. We brush shoulders with angels and demons in this world. Bcoz of our experinces with them we can now recognise them before we get close. I have seen light in many ppl. I find theres a difference between fake light and authntic light. I think a way to know is by holding their hand. If it is authentic I feel warmth and peace n love come into me. If not then I feel unsafe.I still have to test that theory some more tho. I send you angels to heal and protect.))) We are warriors….Good Bob Marley sang..'we don't come to fight flesh and blood, but spiritual wickedness in high and low places..but stand firm..no contact and the hold will break. Blessings

4:36 pm
August 9, 2007


lalasgirl

New Member

posts -1

wow…metaphysical thoughts about such a soul draining experience is good to know for cleansing. i'm not squeeky clean by any means but i'm not evil either. just a good ole girl that loves too much and carries the load of the relationship duties. thanks for the insight. i keep thinking that i am on the right track being by myself. i could have violated him this a.m. to the deputy but decided not to as i would have been half vindictive to do so. my best bet is to create a wall around myself by not answering him or talking with him….i won't be stupid any longer. i am old enough to know better and naieve days have come and gone. street smart….and getting schooled daily in this cruel world of the sociopath…..thank goodness destiny logged that message to us…i have found value in the first paragraph and feel at ease with the explanation of what happened….i was hoodwinked by a master of manipulation and it wasn't ALL my fault as he keeps repeating to me. he played me for a fool and i accepted the part too willingly.

4:58 pm
August 9, 2007


bizchick

New Member

posts -1

Excellent points made all the way through this. My ex fits the bill totally and no contact was the answer. Unfortunately my daughter, now 14, is demonstrating the same behaviour. Does no contact still apply? The thought breaks my heart.

10:46 pm
August 10, 2007


_anonymous

Member

posts 8

lala girl- I am glad that you can see how this thread applies to your situaiton and use it.

1:06 am
August 11, 2007


Guest

posts

Hello Destinystar and All,

Destiny I was reading another thread you wrote- I think it was the one- "Where did you meet your partner from hell?" but I'm not sure… Anyway, it was very interesting, lots of food for thought that relates to the turn this conversation took about how do you know if your addict is a sociopath or just acting like one? I guess the thing is- in regards to how much it matters- do we need to answer that question? What really matters is the EFFECT of their behavior on us and how it persists. Because really, it doesn't matter the reason if they keep doing it.

And also, yeah- there is that thin line where you don't want to blame the victim (ourselves or whomever) but then again, you want to say "Hey, what are the warning signs and how can I avoid having another person like this in my life? Or if I can't, how can I learn to let go of them?"

It's rough. I think we are unlearning a lot of life long beliefs and behaviors, not just eliminating possible men from our dating pool! You know what I mean?

You can't change the past, but you can use it to educate yourself to have a better future. That's what we can do here. Maybe someone DID take advantage of our vulnerabilities- but we can use that to our advantage by letting us see things that we, or others, might not have noticed before.

Manipulative skills and sociopathic traits aside, my ex was a creep- but I really do have to emphasize that after a while though, I can't claim to be some defenseless shrinking violet- or a woman wooed by some svengali. I was into some aspects of my last relationship that were less than spiritual. The sex, the mutual admiration physical and otherwise (feigned or not), similarities in tastes, risk taking and shared self destructive streak even, all were intoxicating. Maybe those were just some of the unsavory factors that I don't like to admit contributed to my difficulties in letting go. I don't know. I insisted deep down, I want this man and I will make this relationship fit into my life like a square peg in a round hole.


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