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Why is he so mean to me?? Is it really my fault???

UserPost

3:36 pm
July 26, 2005


allwaysconfused

New Member

posts -1

Yesterday was great….he called me first thing in the morning on his way to work…he met me for lunch…we talked all day…no stress.
Last night I had a bad dream about him…I don't want to get into details, but I had me worried. I called him at 7:30 this morning…no answer…I left a message, waited a little while (is 5 mins a little while??)…then I alerted him on his phone…he finally picked up. He said "are you trying to piss me off this early?!?!?" I said "i'm sorry, I was worried, are you ok??" He said "I'm fine, leave me alone". Ok, I'll admit, he hates it when I alert his phone….and I only do it when I'm at my wit's end with worry. What am i supose to do???? Needless to say, he's very pissed at me….he said if I call him at all anymore he'll change his number. I told him he was being dramatic, and he said "if you don't believe me try me." All this because I alerted him???? And he said it's all my fault…I'm an idiot and I don't respect him. He said tons of other mean things…I had to hang up the phone on him because I was crying so hard…I'm so hurt….what am I supose to do??

3:47 pm
July 26, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Dump his happy ass???

Seriously, my bf answered the phone with "WHAT???" the other day, and I said, "Nevermind, sorry I bothered you." We didn't speak for over a week, and he STILL hasn't apologized for being so rude to me.

Maybe you woke him and he's not a morning person, but that is NO excuse to act like an ass. A mature man would have spoken to you about how much your disturbing him that time of the morning bothered him, and then he'd try to discuss making some boundaries about what constitutes an alert! He should NOT have bitten your head off and said hurtful things.
On the other hand, if you do this kind of thing often, maybe he was "reacting" to that. He doesn't feel respected when you disturb him for no reason (well, in his mind it's for no reason). But he still should respectfully discuss it with you.

If I were you, I'd try to discuss this with him when you are both rational and calm. If he will not, then may I suggest you back up and take a good look at whether this relationship is worth keeping.

3:50 pm
July 26, 2005


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

Don't take it! He is being very abusive to you. You don't deserve it. If a man talked to me the way this man talks to you he would be history real fast. Tell him if he ever talks to you that way again you will be gone and mean it. For some reason he thinks he can talk to you without any respect for your feelings. Don't let him. Its up to you to put a stop to it at once. It makes me feel angry just to hear the things he saids to you. He is a bully and sounds very immature.

love,
kathy

4:03 pm
July 26, 2005


CAMER

Member

posts 100

yes, he was mean to you, he could have been alot nicer, so who cares if you were concerned and alerted him on his phone, gives him no right to threaten to break up or talk to you in a bad way…he needs a major attitude adjustment, and don't settle for any less, you did nothing wrong.

4:32 pm
July 26, 2005


Guest

posts

That was a rather extreme reaction to a simple phone call, especially since the two of you were in contact ALL DAY the previous day and had a good time together.

I guess I don't understand why you were at your wit's end with worry after only waiting 5 minutes for him to get back to you? Maybe your impatience rubbed him the wrong way? Don't get me wrong! That does not excuse his behavior towards you or make the way he talked to you right. He was being emotionally and verbally abusive to you, no doubt about it. You did nothing wrong…

4:33 pm
July 26, 2005


allwaysconfused

New Member

posts -1

Thanks…but i'm still scared to talk to him. I don't like ending a day like this….I can't sleep or eat when it's like this, and he seems to just not care. I'm hurting so bad right now….and he knows it, which hurts even more….

6:49 pm
July 26, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Enough has been said about his behavior (which I agree was totally inappropriate, mean, uncalled for, disrespectful etc.). Let me comment about your behavior. Of course I do not know you, but your actions seem a bit much for me. Your worrying seemed excessive in this situation (which may be a signal that you are bit codependent). I have a hunch that this is not the first time that you have called him needlessly. "Alerting" his phone for no real reason. Maybe he is sick and tired of being on the recieving end of sooooooooooooooooo much caring and endlessssssssssssssssss worrying. It gets very irritating. Just criticizing his behavior is unfair here. I think the two of you need to sit and talk this through. Back off. It sounds as if you are smothering him. NO one likes that. I know you mean well because you care so much (or should I say toooooooooooooo much). I could relate to you because I was (is) the same way. I thought my excessive caring was an endearing quality, instead I have been told that it is so annoying. Oh and by the way, this does not excuse his awful behavior. He acted like a real jerk.

8:47 pm
July 26, 2005


22haha

New Member

posts -1

allways – ok this is my ex bf to a tee. You THINK you can't breathe or sleep or eat until you "resolve" this, but actually you CAN. He does not respect you. I learned this the hard way. My ex talked exactly like this too me. It wasn't until I stood up for myself that he realized he couldn't walk all over me that I wasn't going to take it. What you seriously need to do is stop thinking about him right now. Let him realize that what he did was wrong. The more times he does this and you go chasing after him the more times he will do it again. You did nothing wrong to alert him or call that early. A loving man would simply say "I'm o.k. but I'm sleeping, call me later". WHATEVER. Do not give it another thought – he is wrong here. Let him come to you -then let him GO!!!!

Do not call him. Let him know you are not going to take his abusive behavior anymore.

You started by saying "yesterday was great" leads me to believe the relatioship is touchy – very up and down or day to day. I assume this is due to his abusive personality??

Then you said you had a bad dream about him – I'm curious what this dream entailed. Are you worried about his health or something to do with your relationship?

1:51 am
July 27, 2005


Just Lost

New Member

posts -1

sounds like you have some codependency issues. I can say that because I do and your reactions are a lot like mine. That anxious concern that overwhelms you. It makes 5 minutes seem like 5 hours. It causes you to lose total control. I did it just last week. I hung up with my soon to be ex and decided to call her right back to get a point across. But her mother said she had just left the house. I called her cell but no answer. Then I called her brother's house because thats where she was going. He was asleep and was pretty mad. So then I tried to call her cell again. Right then, she called me. Now, here's what I mean. I did all that in 10 minutes at 11pm. That's loss of control and it's codependent behavior. I got the same reaction from her as you did from your BF. She basically told me that she was getting tired of hearing from me and so was everyone else that I kept calling. Save your sanity. Resist the urges with all your might and don't call. It will only hurt you in the end. Try not to play the mind games with him no matter how much you want to. My attorney likened these kind of people to alcoholics. They are looking for a fix. When we call them, we give them another drink because they know we care and that we approve of their behavior. Let's take away the bottle we are giving them and make them take responsibility for themselves. And find a CoDA meeting in your area. I went for the first time Monday and I can't wait for the next one.

7:46 am
July 27, 2005


allwaysconfused

New Member

posts -1

I believe I do have a codependency problem. I thought it was just because I love him and care about him more than anyone else I've ever dated. But honestly, we don't date. We did at once…we are mostly just friends now….best friends. I've known him for 5 years. I've suported him through thick and thin. I've believed in him and lifted him up when he would hit rock bottom. But yes, I have done some crazy things because I love him. I've "invaded his privacy" (that's what he called it). But I've done so many good and wonderful things, doesn't that count for anything???? I will try not to call him today and let him call me. I'm really hurting inside….my biggest problem is the simple fact that I just do not understand how he could treat me this way after everything I have done for him and he knows how much I love and care about him. Does he just not care at all?

7:51 am
July 27, 2005


Just Lost

New Member

posts -1

there's no way to know the answer to that right now. however, because you feel the way you do about it right now, and the fact that you are not even a couple, indicates codep. he's not going to tell you the answers you want to hear right now. if he was going to, he would have already. calling him is going to push him farther away. take it from the expert. i have called so much it isnt funny

8:05 am
July 27, 2005


zen

New Member

posts -1

I honor your capability to give so much of yourself to someone. However, have you ever heard that excess of anything always has an opposite effect. If he really feels that you invade his privacy, then may be you should pay heed to it. Back off. Try to put your mind to some other things that will give you the reason to not think about him. It will also give him the breathing space he needs. And take it from there. Love yourself as much as you love him if not more.

8:07 am
July 27, 2005


Just Lost

New Member

posts -1

sounds like you have done like me. you have gave, and gave so much, for so long that you dont even know who you are by yourself anymore. he defines a lot of who you are

8:16 am
July 27, 2005


itavarap

New Member

posts -1

I have this younger friend of mine. He's 23. One day, we were sitting around and he was griping about this girl that he was dating. He said he felt like she was "distancing" herself from him. My guy was here, hanging out, and he said something that really seemed to stick with me. He was giving my friend advice, but it really made sense.

He said, "How can she ever miss you, if you don't go away?"

If you don't give the person you're after some space, and some time to "miss" you, then they start taking advantage of that fact. They get used to having you around all the time, like a faithful dog. I love dogs, but even I get sick of it if my dog's been needy and sits around breathing on my leg all the time. A little bit of it is sweet, but after a while, it becomes annoying.

You have GOT to understand that. The chase is what's thrilling to most people. The idea that you're inaccessbile, at least some of the time, is maddening. Don't always be the one to call. Don't always jump at any chance to go hang out with that person. If they call you, don't answer. Wait half an hour, and then call back. If they ask what was up, say, "I was in the shower." For that half hour, know that YOU'RE the one that's in control for the moment, and that person is either 1) wondering where the hell you are and why you didn't answer (thus, shifting the control to you in the situation) or 2) they simply don't even care and put it out of their mind as soon as you don't answer… In which case, you didn't need them, to begin with.

Just don't be like an annoying dog. Give them a chance to "miss" you.

8:33 am
July 27, 2005


kc30

New Member

posts -1

Alwaysconfused:

First, I just wanted to say that another person's behaviour is ALWAYS about them. It has nothing to do with you. Sure, people can upset and hurt other people, intentionally or innocently, but we aren't responsible for how that person deals with their hurt or upset. And no matter what someone has done to us, we never have the right to be abusive. My husband cheated on me and hurt me deeply. I used to think that justified me calling him names, being rude, mean insulting etc. But over time, I've realized that I am responsible for my actions…he may have hurt me but it's up to me how to act, and it's not an excuse to behave badly.

So to answer your question, NO, it isn't your fault that he's mean. It's his to own, not yours.

I do need to add something else though. Your reaction to a bad dream seems a little extreme…and you knowingly did something (alert him) that you knew would upset him. And it did. AGain, it's not ok for him to be an asshole…there is no excuse for that.

This sounds very codependant to me on your part. You are NOT an idiot, but if you knew this would upset him and that he didn't want you to alert him, then it is pretty appropriate for him to feel disrespected. But that doesn't make you any of the nasty names you called him.

I know your motives were genuine and out of concern, but it seems a little extreme to me. And if he feels invaded or disrespected, he is entitled to feel that way. If he asks you not to call him anymore, and you don't heed his request, than that is disrespectful, and may damage the friendship even further.

try to worry more about your feelings than his. Yours are all you are responsible for. And they must be hurt after being called such terrible names by someone you care so much about. He may be entitled to feel upset, but he has no right to degrade you the way he did. Take care of YOU first, and leave this grouchy guy to try and work out his own feelings. You don't have to be his emotional punching bag. He doesn't sound very healthy to me- his reaction was also extreme, and he could have handled himself with more dignity and respect for you. He could have told you he felt annoyed or disrespected without being mean but he chose to be immature instead.

peace
kc

12:06 pm
July 27, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Dear Always confused,
I am glad that other responses spoke of your behavior in this scenerio. I was afraid that I hurt your feelings with my comments. Also, I was happy to see that you acknowledge that you have a codependency issue. I have the same issues. With one person inparticular, I was so giving, so caring, so loving, so thoughtful. I thought I was doing the right thing. Then this person started to back away from me and later he told me I was too giving, too caring, too loving and too thoughtful. He said he started to feel backed in a corner. I couldn't understand it at first. But then someone recommended the book CODEPENDENT NO MORE and it changed my life. It was such an eye opener. I have read it several times. I am not 100% better but I am much better. I have backed off and let this person be responsible for his life. I was doing so much for him that he didn't have to do anything for himself. What a mistake I was making! Please go get the book. You will see yourself on every page as I did. Let us all know how you made out.

1:21 pm
July 27, 2005


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

always confused, what concerns me now is that you are not even dating. It sounded like you were in a relationship in your initial post. You say he's more of a friend but the problem is you love him. It sounds one sided. It seems to me that you are way too invested in this friendship given how he feels about you. I suggest that you pull way back from him and protect your heart. You have tied up your heart strings with someone who is not available to you. Why did you stop dating? Was it his idea? If you are so invested that you obsess when there's a conflict that shows codependency. Its in your best interest to work on your codependency and look for love else where. You deserve someone who loves you back and treats you with respect. It sounds like he doesn't have much respect for you. Its still very important that you not allow him to talk to you in an abusive way. If you are scared to stand up to him that's a problem. He's likely to have more respect for you if you stop being a recepient of his abuse.

love,
kathy

7:50 am
July 28, 2005


allwaysconfused

New Member

posts -1

Thank you all for your responses and advice. They all mean a lot to me. I agree with all of you and I am not offended by anything you have written. I know I need to work on a lot when it comes to him. I broke down on the phone with him and told him that I just didn't understand why he could be so non-caring and mean when I have done everything for him and would do anything for him. And I told him I only alerted his phone because I was worried and I care so much for him….and he told me I shouldn't care for him. That hurt. One of you said something to the affect that I care and worry more about him than I do for myself….that hit me right in the face!! That is so true!! I've had $5 in my pocket and spent it on getting him lunch while I only had a drink. I've sacraficed so much for him. I paid his cell phone bill ($256)and not paid mine before because his got cut off because he didn't pay it. I've done so much…so many times. I've gone through so much crap with him. He's had a one-night stand with a girl and got her pregnant….I didn't care, I still loved him and stood by his side. Any sane woman would had been long gone, right?? Why can't I just let go of him?????? Is it possible for someone to love another person this much?????????

11:23 am
July 28, 2005


22haha

New Member

posts -1

You can't let go because you are afraid of being alone. You are not respecting yourself at all. These situations make you unhappy – yet you stay anyways. You are not listening to your TRUE feelings. You can't love a person until you love yourself first. He will never respect you until you show him that you deserve respect. He isn't worth anymore of your time. It is difficult to leave but it is the best thing for you. Spend some time making yourself happy without him dragging you down everyday. Take it from me – the sooner you get out – the better. You may think it will get better- it doesn't – it just wastes more of your time and energy. The things he says are hurtful, but you leaving him will be more hurtful – thats when (and only when) he will realize how poorly he treated you. Don't do it to "show him", do it because you truly deserve better. At this point he expects you to be there for him – he can do whatever he wants and allwaysconfused is right back by his side. Make a stand – choose YOU!!!!

12:24 pm
July 28, 2005


kc30

New Member

posts -1

Dear Alwaysconfused
No, it is not possible to love someone else this much. Your behaviour has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with how you feel about yourself. You don't love yourself very much, so you've put yourself at the very bottom of every list. You've made him more important than you are, and that is not about love.

If you liked yourself more, you wouldn't degrade yourself and martyr yourself for a man who doesn't want or appreciate your efforts. Doing this will keep you in the cycle of self abuse that you have possibly always lived in. It will reinforce the incorrect notion that you aren't good enough, no matter what you do.

That's not true. You don't have to do anything to be good enough. The problem is that you've chosen to give ALL of the love you should be giving to yourself to somebody else, then you stand back and feel hurt and unloved when he doesn't reciprocate.

by letting go of him, you will find yourself alone and empty with nobody else to hide behind…you won't have his behaviour, his feelings, his needs, his wants, to distract you anymore. You'll be alone with yourself…and for someone who has become dependant on another person to tell them who they are…that is TERRIFYING! But it is the first step to recovery…to stand alone and face yourself, possibly for the first time in your life.

He does not need the attention, love, affection and concern that you repeatedly shower upon him- YOU need that love, affection and concern. This is a very unhealthy relationship, and you are the only one who can change it. Please love yourself enough to stop giving yourself away to someone who doesn't appreciate it.

Respect yourself and value yourself more than this. You deserve better for your life, and you can have the life and the love you dream of, if only you can believe you deserve it.

lots of love

kc

1:04 pm
July 28, 2005


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

allwaysconfused, what you describe is codependency not love. Stop care taking and rescuing him. Read up on codependency such as 'co-dependent no more' by melodie beattie. It would also help you to attend coda meetings. You need to wake up to your codependency so you can start to heal yourself and love yourself. You are abandoning yourself for this man who doesn't even love you. The behavior you describe is very bad for your self esteem. You need to value yourself much more than this. You can learn to love and nuture yourself. You don't need this man in your life that just takes and uses you. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. Let go of this man and face your fears. You will be fine and much better off without this man in your life.

love,
kathy

8:06 pm
July 30, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

always confused:
Hi! I just wanted to know how you are doing. I was especially curious and interested in your story because your issues mirror my own. WHen I read your comments (especially the last one), I felt as if I could have written them. Your feelings, your thoughts are almost exactly my own. The only difference is that I am on the road to recovery and you seem to be at a crossroads. Don't get me wrong – I have such a long way to go. I have come a long way in how I think and the actions that I take. But, in terms of my feelings, I am only at the beginning stages. I am so attached to this one person that it hurts. I am trying my best to detach but it is so much easier said than done. I do not contact him but every time the phone rings, I am hoping that it is him. That is pathetic, isn't it? At least, I don't contact him. That is a good thing and a step in the right direction. Sometimes I think it would be better for me if he never contacted me. It would hurt like hell but then I would be able to move on with my life. You could see by what I am saying that I am just as confused as you are. Anyway, keep in touch and let us know the progress that you are making. We are here to support you.
Yankee Fan

10:32 pm
July 30, 2005


starkist1956

New Member

posts -1

I have lived this life of taking the abuse…I know now I need to take the responability because I have allowed him to do the things he does and dont hang up the phone or walk away it becomes a way of living …so bad that you loose your self …he has all the fun while you sit and worry and play the waiting game it is like a dog waiting for a bone …..let go ……I am triyng to let go….it is the hardest thing I have ever had to do ….


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