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Why do some men not like sex?

UserPost

6:20 pm
August 3, 2005


wallace

New Member

posts -1

What do you do when you realise that you are head over heels in love with someone and he gives you loads of verbal support in everything you do but he doesn't seem to like sex that much? If he loved me back, wouldn't he be more into sex? His lack of interest in sex is starting to concern me and I can't understand it. What kind of guy doesn't want sex that often? By often I mean I'm lucky if it's once in 2 weeks.

6:28 pm
August 3, 2005


Wood Sorrel

New Member

posts -1

Hi Wallace,

I had a boyfriend like that once. When we were first together there was plenty of sex but when we moved in together he never seemed to want it (which is definitely in my experience unusual for a guy!).

I always had to initiate, which started to make me feel like he didn't want me, like he wasn't attracted to me. It made me terribly insecure. When I did get him into bed he seemed to certainly enjoy it. But I think he had some kind of religious hang ups that maybe interfered with our sex life. Also he was really indecisive and didn't know what he wanted or how to express what he did want. It is possible that he had fallen out of love with me but could not admit that to either of us so made no move to leave. In the end I was the one to leave since I was fed up with that kind of treatment.

Another time I dated someone who didn't seem interested in sex and he was 23 (so there wasn't an impotence problem or something and there shouldn't have been a hormonal one either!). I figured out pretty quickly that he was having questions about his sexulality in terms of his sexual persuasion. Once when he couldn't get it up, he was embarrassed and said aloud to himself 'Am I gay?' kind of as a joke but he was really telling the truth. The was he acted around men was very telling of this as well. But the place in which he lived was very anti-gay so I guess he didn't feel like he could be open about it.

Anyway whether he is gay or has some bad associations with sex (esp. if pre-marital) there is definitely something a miss. But don't automatically blame yourself, there is probably something going on with him. Have you tried to have a really open discussion with him about it? It might be difficult to get him to talk about this, but I think it will be necessary or else you will constantly be blaming yourself and feeling unloved.

6:28 pm
August 3, 2005


on my way

New Member

posts -1

wallace,
how old is he?

6:39 pm
August 3, 2005


wallace

New Member

posts -1

6:44 pm
August 3, 2005


on my way

New Member

posts -1

yes-s-s-s-s-s-s-?

"-) I think you forgot to post!

6:47 pm
August 3, 2005


wallace

New Member

posts -1

Hi guys. Thanks for you replies. He is 50 yrs old. But when we were co-workers, he was all over women, he liked to flirt and put his arm round them. But he hardly touches me, but I know he cares for me. When we first started going out, he said that to him, the sex side was very important. But he won't hold my hand in public or in private, he never hugs me unless I hug him first. I initiate sex nearly everytime. Sometimes he says he's tired or that his back hurts. I don't think he's gay. I would be devastated if he was. I don't know what to think. I don't think he'll open up to me. He does spend a lot of time down the gym, does this mean anything?

6:58 pm
August 3, 2005


on my way

New Member

posts -1

I have been on these threads for awhile and I remember you mentioning this before. I don't know what to say. What is the rest of your relationship like? Some guys just are not intimate this way..not a bad thing…but it is confusing. DO you have another male friend or father you could ask to get a guy's perspective? Would be good if some guys caught this thread too.

7:00 pm
August 3, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Hi Wallace,

There could be several reason to explain his lack of sexual aggresiveness.

Chemical reasons like low testosterone. Pharmaceutical reasons like the use of anti-depressants. Emotional like preformance anxiety.

"what kind of guy doesn't want to have sex that often? I think to some degree We HAVE been conditioned to believe sex is the only thing on their minds. And when they don't persue it full throttle, we think it's because we're not desireable enough.

"If he loved me back wouldn't he be more into sex?" I know it's an important part of the relationship but, maybe he loves more that just that about you. I know he supports you verbally. Is he trustworthy? Does he treat you like an equal? Does he respect you? Does he listen to you?

If you have these other things, talking to him and listening to him about this issue could be just the stimulant you've been looking for.

Best of luck to you!

10:09 pm
August 3, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

My bf used to be a lean, mean sex machine…or so I hear:) lol

I totally understand your frustration. My bf is 40, overweight, lost his job, going thru bankruptcy. So needless to say, there isn't much sex going on between us. We don't see each other but every couple weeks or so because we don't live in the same town. So naturally, when we do "escape" off somewhere together, I look forward to a romantic time.

I guess it confuses me because my ex-husband wanted it constantly, and I hated it! He NEVER took into account what I was feeling, or trying to please me, it was ALL about him! So, I'm thankful that my bf isn't like that, but it bothers me sometimes because I wonder if he's attracted to me. I've asked him about it, and his explanation is that he's under alot of stress, embarrased about the weight he has gained, and that there is way more to our relationship than just sex. Well I can't be mad at him for that, now can I? lol

I do enjoy the "no pressure" type relationship we have concerning sex. If I'm tired, and he's in the mood, he waits for a better time. My ex would've forced himself on me anyway.

Any of you guys out there have any insight into this phenomenon for us girls? *smile*

11:52 pm
August 3, 2005


lost and found

New Member

posts -1

my husband has a cousin that is a know womanizer. i mean he is relentless. he got married and his wife is constantly complaining about having to chase him down for sex. The woman doesn't have a clue.

3:35 am
August 4, 2005


wallace

New Member

posts -1

Thanks everyone. What is meant by performance anxiety? Is it when they guys (no matter how georgous you think they are) are scared you don't think they are georgous? Why would a guy have performance anxiety in a relationship where sex is a sure thing? One thing I did notice was that when we were out for dinner, I joked about wanting sex for desert. He didn't say anything, but I did notice his palms sweating. Maybe it is performance anxiety. But what can I do about it? If it is performance anxiety then my guess is that he will want to curl up and die if I ask him about it. I'm always complimentary about his performance, so what else is there to do?

10:38 am
August 4, 2005


Wood Sorrel

New Member

posts -1

Hi again,

It's possible he is having intimacy issues. Esp. since you say he was very flitatious at the office.

Thing is, that is how I am. It was easy for me to flirt and to even go to bed with guys I didn't know very well.

But once I got married after getting to know my husband really well and having him get to know me…. Well I started to avoid sex. I became afraid to open up that much to him.
Of course there were some other reasons for it in our relationship (feeling like I couldn't trust him because of the fights we were having).

But it is something to consider.

Whatever you do, don't pressure him. You may not think you are but even mentioning it like you did (wanting it for dessert) may feel like pressure to him. Try to not be the one to initiate it for awhile and just see what happens. Even if it means a few weeks without it. Maybe he needs some space for reasons unbeknown to you.

good luck!

1:38 pm
August 4, 2005


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

I too had a boyfriend once that in the begining he was very seductive and always wanted to have sex with me but when we got into a relationship and became very close he shut down sexually. He told me that for him a woman has to be a stranger for him to get excited and since we were so close it reminded him of his mother and who wants to have sex with their mother? I felt very rejected and undesirable. But it was all him and his childhood wounds around sex.

I think if a man is not interested in having sex with someone he loves something is wrong. He may be afraid of the emotional intimacy that comes with having a sexual relationship, he may have been sexually abused, he may have had an unhealthy relationship with his mother. I believe that a healthy sex life with the one you love is a very important part of a relationship and its intimacy. I think you need to find out what is going on with your boyfriend so you can heal it. I wouldn't just let it go nor would I spend the rest of my life with a man that doesn't want to make love to me.

love,
kathy

5:23 pm
August 4, 2005


glittered when he walked

New Member

posts -1

wallace,

Have you spoken to your b/f about it? What did he say if you did? If you haven't asked him about it, some of the folks on this site could give you some good ideas about how to ask him about that, that is if you were wondering about the better ways in which to ask.

Just because he's not having sex w/ you does not necessarily mean that he's not in love w/ you. There could be a lot of reasons, but only he can provide you w/ the answers. His other behaviors w/ you indicate that he does love you or at least cares for you.

11:54 pm
August 4, 2005


Guest

posts

Is it a safe assumption that drugs and/or alcohol are not the issue?

-ella

3:52 am
August 5, 2005


wallace

New Member

posts -1

Thankyou all for replying. It's been really helpful. Drugs and alcohol are not an issue. He's a gym addict. He works out so hard that some days he can hardly walk. He openly denounces drugs. I've read a lot on the web about performance anxiety and I think that he may have it. The sites weren't very positive about getting over it though. Do you think he may have low self confidence and that's why he spends all that time down the gym, and the bravado flirty attitude in public?

Please can anyone suggest how I can ask him about this without causing him any upset or embarrassment. I really like this guy and I really want it to work. I'm worried the sex side of it may prevent it from working out. I think he cares for me. I sense he is aware there is a problem but tries to behave so it is not a big deal. But it is starting to make me feel unattractive to him.

9:38 am
August 5, 2005


upsidedown

New Member

posts -1

Viagra one hour before getting into bed, kissing for a long time, fellatio, cuddleing.

Let's get him going, then a few times later think about your important needs too.

11:28 am
August 5, 2005


glittered when he walked

New Member

posts -1

Wallace,

perhaps you could begin by telling him that you would like to feel more sexually desired by him? perhaps you could ask him if he has any fantasies..ask him to share some of those things he thinks about..perhaps you could assure him that you won't judge his fantasies. Would it help if you shared a fantasy with him so that he could see that just as he won't judge your initimate fanatsies, that not only will you not judge them, you will feel closer to him and desire him that much more.

Does he know how much you enjoy sex w/ him? Does he know that sometimes you want him to take charge in the bedroom, that it really turn you on? (if that is indeed the case…lol..don't fabricate that if it's not true). perhaps if he feels secure that he can pursue you and take charge and that not only will you not reject it, you'll actively participate and enjoy it.

If security isn't the issue, then perhaps he does have a reduced sex drive. Ask him about how often he wants to have sex and encourage him that it doesn't matter what his answer is, so long as it's the truth, that it won't change how you feel about him – just in case he's embarrased that his drive is reduced and is afraid to reveal that. If it's a reduced sex drive that came w/ age, there's more drugs for that than you can shake an erection at.

Good luck and keep hangin' in. Who knows, perhaps you're on the brink of a wonderful sexcapade w/ your lover.

11:31 am
August 5, 2005


EJ

New Member

posts -1

Wallace,

I think you're right to take this issue seriously. My (now separated) husband was like this too. It drove me crazy to feel like I had to beg for sex, and we're only 38 and 36. Imagine my surprise when I found out he was a pornography addict!! I think intimacy with a real live woman was just more than he could handle. And when we did do it, a lot of times he couldn't reach an orgasm. Weird, huh?

But you want someone with healthy attitudes and no deep-seated conflicts about his sexuality. I wouldn't worry so much about saving his pride. I'd just lay it on the line: "Look, Big Brother, what is your problem with sex???" If he doesn't want to talk to you or the doctor, I'd take is as a sign that there's something deeper wrong that will probably grow to drive you insane eventually, and then I'd look for a guy with a little more get-up-and-go!!!

Good Luck,
EJ

12:45 pm
August 5, 2005


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

Hi Wallace,

Yeah, preformance anxiety is kind of the way you described it. It's where anxiety about engaging in sex, blcks the flow of sexual felings and thoughts. Based on some quick research, it can happen suddenly and is quite common.

It can result in avoidance of sexual encounters, lowered self esteem, relationship discord and sexual dysfunction.

It also seems to be a Catch-22 because talking about it insensitively seems to lead to more anxiety.

I think it was smart of Pleasedon'tsay to open this discussion up to the guys. To get the male consensus on the best way to handle a matter as sensitive as this.

Glittered had some great ideas.

1:27 pm
August 5, 2005


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

I would say "I'd like to talk about sex. I am very attracted to you and really enjoy having sex with you. I am very interested in having sex with you on a regular basis but it seems like you are not very interested. That makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, like I'm undesirable. It would help me to know how you feel about sex with me? Is there a reason you do not want to have sex more often with me?" Something like that. If he says, 'I don't know' or won't open up and talk about it then I would ask him what makes it hard for him to talk about sex. If he still doesn't open up then the relationship is in trouble. You can't work on an issue unless you know what is behind it.

3:47 pm
January 11, 2006


hopeful for change

New Member

posts -1

My husband doesn't have sex with me either. When I have talked to other men, they say he must be gay! This is a joke because Idon't think he is. However I realistically know alot of men are attracted to me and I have never had this problem before. Yet, it really chips away at the self esteem. Five Years now,and honestly I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. No amount of talking or explaining this to him changes anything. One time I was dressed up in lingerie,standing there (feeling like a hooker) he finally walks into the room eating a plate of fried mushrooms, looked at me and said these are good, sat down and finished eating them. I know I looked good ok. How this isn't suppose to effect my self esteem is beyond me. I don't even feel like a woman anymore. I haven't cheated but have a huge amount of fantasizing going on and don't know how long I can live like this. I have told him all this to. He just says its not me he really loves me.

3:51 pm
January 11, 2006


kathygy

New Member

posts -1

Has your husband had his testoserone levels checked? If too low that can take away the sex drive.

Has he always been this way about sex? I suspect he has been wounded in childhood around sex and intimacy.

He needs to go to the doctor and have a thorough work up.

If nothing's wrong physically then its a psychological problem and he needs to see a therapist.

3:55 pm
January 11, 2006


mamacinnamon

New Member

posts -1

(((( hopeful ))))

That is frustrating isn't it. My hubby has gone thru periods of not wanting sex. I always think it's me and the weight I have gained because of this illness,but he always says it's not. He says it has to do w/ the stress he's under here and at the job and that he just doesn't have the energy. Now he doesn't walk into a room w/ fried mushrooms and ignore me tho. I think he'd have been wearing those mushrooms.
(not really, but I think it would be fittin).

Stay true to you. Cheatin would only open a whole new can of worms, or problems. I don't know what to tell ya what to do except that an affair is NOT the answer.

3:59 pm
January 11, 2006


overcome

New Member

posts -1

Man, I cannot relate to that problem. Maybe things are a little stale….how long you been together?

That is odd for a man though IMHO?


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