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Why do I need a man to be happy?
December 15, 2005
11:56 am
unhealthy
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I posted my first post yesterday. It was very long telling pretty much from beginning to present. I am trying to figure out why I am not happy unless I am in a some type of relationship. Like I said in my other post, my heart was broken when I was 18 when my first love, first lover, high school sweetheart, had to break off our relationship because his parents didn't want us seeing eachother anymore. I think I must have thought there was something wrong with me since he didn't stand up to them. It just seems that every since then I have battle depression, alcohol, drugs, and unhealthy relationships with men. I am just so down right now. I am fighting crying and I am at work. A guy I have been seeing for about 11 months, but never gave me any real commitment or true affection is coming to an end. And another guy that I am real smitten with is a big talker but doesn't walk the walk. Why am I such a glutton for punishment? Where is my self esteem? I am 36 now. That's 18 years since my first and only real love broke my heart! I am feeling like the person who has been posting by the name of depressionsucks. I feel like I am just going through the motions of life. If it wasn't for my 4 year old son, I think I would give up.

December 15, 2005
12:21 pm
Rasputin
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Hey Unhealthy,

That's very good question!!! I believe most of us are brainwashed to never feel good about ourselves or validated unless we are in a relationship, even if deep inside we know that it is no good or unhealthy...

The real reason for this as I have learned from these boards is that we are trying to heal our childhood wounds and hurts by getting involved with unhealthy dysfunctional men and women and thus having unworking relationship with them.

Have you attended any coda meetings? You can find out by logging on: coda.org, they also have online meetings in case you cannot go. In addition, there are lots of good literature that can help you find healing, recovery and power such as: "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood and "Codependent no more" by Melody Beattie.

Both are excellent books that enabled me to understand myself, others, unhealthy people and patterns as well has healing and some other major issues.

Welcome to this site and I wish you all the best!

~Ras~

December 15, 2005
12:36 pm
delicate
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REALITY: YOU DONT
SOME OF US NEED THEM FOR SECURITY, SOME NEED THEM SEXUALLY, I FIND NOW
PLEASE CONCENTRATE ON YOU AND YOUR SON RIGHT NOW AND IM SURE THE RIGHT TIME WILL BRING THE RIGHT PERSON. IF YOU CAN, JOIN A PARENT WITHOUT PARTNER GROUP. KEEP YOURSELF BUSY AND REALIZE THERE IS LIFE AFTER MEN.

December 15, 2005
3:43 pm
unhealthy
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Thank you for your posts.

December 15, 2005
3:55 pm
kathygy
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unhealthy,

The reality is that you DON'T need a man to be happy. You only THINK you do.

I doubt that all of the destructive relationships you have been in are because of your bf at age 18. If you had a healthy self-esteem and a strong sense of self you would not have been damaged by the young man when you were 18.

Rather, I suspect all of your troubles are coming from childhood wounds that stop you from loving yourself and believing you deserve the very best life has to offer.

You might begin to read some books on childhood wounds such as John Bradshaw's 'Homecoming'.

December 16, 2005
9:53 am
readyforachange
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unhealthy...you don't need a man to be happy, and you need to find out why you feel that you do. This takes a lot of work on your part: reading, counseling, posting here, going to support groups, journaling...finding out who you really are and why you feel incomplete without a man.

It is hard work, but it will be so worth it in the long run. You will value yourself and be able to find healthy relationships. And lots of us here are in the same boat and would love for you to take the trip with us! Welcome, we're glad you're here!

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