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Why did I lie to the one I love the most?
August 25, 2002
9:01 pm
smiley1997
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My fiance is the most important thing in the world to me but I keep telling her stupid little lies to make myself look better than I really am. The worst part is I am not a very good liar and she keeps catching me in them. One time I even denied it to the point that I swore on my dead fathers grave. Now I feel like the biggest piece of &^%$ on earth and I have lost her trust. What can I do to earn her trust back. Most of all, what can I do to stop these lies?

August 25, 2002
10:10 pm
Squeezles
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What causes you to lie? Fear that she will think that you aren't good enough for her and so she'll leave? She'll probably leave because you lie anyway. If you can't trust the little stuff; you can't trust the big stuff either. You need to look at why you lie and what it gains you and what you gain by not lieing...which is more important to you?

August 26, 2002
4:48 pm
harmonygirl
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Hi Smiley. I used to find myself doing the exact same thing. Lying to the person I loved for no reason at all about the stupidist things. To make myself seem more exciting, more desireable, etc. I can only explain why I did it. Low self-esteem. I thought I was the most boring, most unattractive person alive so I made up stories about myself.
My self-esteem is still low and sometimes I do feel like the most unattractive person alive and I constantly fear losing my relationship but I've stopped myself from lying. One day I just told myself it had to stop and now I think before speaking. It isn't easy because I have to be constantly aware of my thoughts and words, but it has served me well and actually makes me feel better about myself.
Have to tried counseling to get to the root of your problem? Best of luck to you.

August 26, 2002
7:57 pm
smiley1997
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The reason I lied was because I was embarrased that I had a cigarette when I told her that I had quit already. I had nothing to gain because I was already upset with myself for having one. She said that she would not be with someone who smoked. And I quit for myself also. But I cheated one night and she has a nose like a blood hound and I am a terrible liar. How can I earn her trust back? She questions everything I say now and I don't blame her. Anybody hav any experience with something like this?

August 26, 2002
8:09 pm
Fuzzle
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You screwed up. It happens. Never smoked but I'm sure that quitting isn't that easy. Remember you are only a failure if you give up. Keep trying - you never know the next time you quit could be the time you suceed. You'll never know that if you give up to early.

About lying. It's always best to be honest. If you are quitting (in part because of her) she has to expect that you might slip up. We are all human. If she decided to break up with you because of one slip up that's pretty harsh. The only way you can earn her trust is too keep doing what you promised and be honest if you make a mistake. If she suspects that you lied the best thing to do is to say 'I slipped up. I'm sorry. I'm going to keep trying. I'm sorry I lied, I just didn't want to disappoint you.' You can deny things from her. It's up to you to decide whether it's better for the both of you if you are honest.

August 28, 2002
9:36 am
liarliar
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it's kind of funny...the reason I found this site is because I did the same thing you did, or have the same habit you have-lying to my fiancee. The way I've approached my problem is when I am presented with an option of telling the truth or lying, I go through a very quick in depth thought process of what consequences I would bring on myself as well as my relationship with my fiancee if I told the truth, or lied. I've only implemented this new tool very recently, and it's worked well so far, but I think the main goal is that you have to make a conscious decision to tell the truth, as that keeps your life easier, and also, if you think about it, telling the truth also strengthens your relationship by forging trust with your fiancee. Good Luck!

August 29, 2002
2:37 pm
tracylyn
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Fear, plain and simple. Fear of not being loved.

I'll tell you what I tell my kids about lying. You will be in far more trouble for lying than for just being honest and fessing up to what you've done in the first place. Honesty will always be rewarded.

Don't beat yourself up over it either though. Everone makes mistakes and everyone falls down. It's those that can't admit it that fail. You know you messed up, you'll try harder next time. Be proud of yourself for having the knowledge and courage to ask for help.

As far as being trusted again, maybe let her in on this. Maybe she would like to know that you are trying this hard to change.

August 29, 2002
10:04 pm
feeling stupid
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wow. i thought i was the only one. my husband is not even on speaking terms with me because of lying about smoking. i've been a closet smoker for awhile and then did stop when i found out i was pregnant. then i lost the baby and started with a vengence. he's never smoked and hates it. i couldn't bear his dissappointment so i kept it a secret. be honest with your fiance because if you think it hurts now, multiply it when you get married and your marriage is on the line.

September 4, 2002
4:18 pm
pearl26
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I THINK THAT I HAVE THE BIGGEST LIE OF ALL TO SOMEONE THAT I LOVE VERY MUCH... IT IS MY HUSBAND... WE HAVE ONE LIVING CHILD AND ONE CHILD THAT DIED LAST YEAR, A STILLBORN. THAT CHILD WAS BY ANOTHER MAN I WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH...I TOLD MY HUSBAND BUT NOW I AM PREGNANT AGAIN BY THE SAME MAN BUT CAN NOT FIND THE STRENGTH TO TELL HIM.... ANY ADVICE...........?????????

September 4, 2002
9:27 pm
Squeezles
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Ahh gee. Does hubby know you're pregnant again? How did your husband react to finding out about the last baby?

Who do you really want? Your husband or the other man? Do you still intend to see the other man? Does he know about the baby? Does he want the baby? Is he prepared to support you and his baby?

Do you actually want to have this baby? Is having an abortion for this baby (since it is not your husband's) something you would consider?

September 4, 2002
9:52 pm
Squeezles
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Hmm...how do you know that it is this other man's baby and not your husband's anyway?

September 5, 2002
5:50 pm
GiGi
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Lying by someone who loves you so much is like a stab in the heart. It happened to me two weeks ago and I broke him up because of that. How do I feel two weeks later? Miserable. I should've forgive him and have our relationship to work it out, like trying to be truthful with each other. I, too, have been lying to him and he doesn't know it yet, so I deserve not to keep him. I lied to him that I'm divorced, but I'm really separated from my hubby for almost a year. So, it's not worth it for me and him being together again. Yep, real sad and foolish of me. Don't let this happen to you - lying is the most evil thing that can destroy your relationhip. Good luck.

September 8, 2002
10:58 pm
shay
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i have the same problem with lying to my ex-boyfriend but i really do love him a lot. with your sitituation i think that you shouldn't be with your husband if you keep going back to your side guy. if you made a mistake the first time then your always capeable of the same thing over again. follow your heart with this problem it's really a hard decission to make who do you love if you love that particular person why? and how? could you do that to the one person .

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