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Why can't I find the guts to kill myself?

UserPost

9:30 pm
June 13, 2006


fubar77

New Member

posts -1

41 years old and still I can't find the courage to do myself in. It has been 15 years since my last attempt and for the last 8 months I have found myslef thinking about it almost non-stop. Sat with a gun in my mouth about 2 months ago and couldn't do it. I am sitting here now with a razor and nope can't do it. A coward is what I am. A failure. A friend I grew up with found the courage and did it last week. Hanged himself from a bridge. So my thoughts are back. Why fight it I say. It is my destiny isn't it? If it wasn't then I would be past it by now.

Everytime I think I have it beat I don't. And everytine the feeling comes back I have a little less strength to fight it. Why can't I just do it already? I hate living this way and I hate myself for not being strong enough to just freakin' do it!!!

I was a cutter all through hig school and beyond. I understood that, the pain of the cut took away the pain of the soul or whatever. I don't believe in souls….no matter how hard I try, no matter how much therapy I go to, no matter how many drugs they give me, I always end up back here. Weaker than the time before. More tired than the time before. Still I can't do it. Sometimes I think about hiring someone to kill me when I am not expecting it. MAybe that is the way to go. Except I am not sure how to go about that. I am pityful. The worst thing is I have no reason to feel this way. I have pretty good life, better than most. So I am a selfish bitch on top of it all.

Fuck it! Sorry to dump!

9:36 pm
June 13, 2006


Randomwomen2

New Member

posts -1

hunny hunny I am glad you found this site. I have been there sweetheart I have tryed to kill myself too. I have also been a cutter. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are here for you sweetheart talk as much as you need to dont worry about it please talk some more we are here for you

9:36 pm
June 13, 2006


Anonymous

New Member

posts -1

fubar,

I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I know you're undergoing a lot of pain. I hope you will change your mind and decide to stay.

Can you tell me what events happened to cause you to want to cut yourself, and to commit suicide?

Seeker

9:38 pm
June 13, 2006


Jenni

New Member

posts -1

You're not doing it, because you KNOW IT'S NOT RIGHT!! AND, you still have HOPE!!

If nothing is wrong with your life, and your are still feeling this way, I would suggest seeing a doctor, and getting on meds. There are meds for depression, and it can truly level you out. I'm PROOF of that!

Please, look into this idea, ASAP!! You don't have to feel trapped inside of yourself, as you are. There are ways of feeling better about living, it's just a matter of finding the resources that are available to you.

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking.

9:40 pm
June 13, 2006


tiedupinknots

New Member

posts -1

Well that is your problem. You do have a soul and you have not learned the lessons that you are supposed to learn yet so that is why you cannot kill yourself.

If you do you will just have to come back and repeat the whole experience. Your soul is trying to tell you something. Get some faith and try to listen to yourself. Imagine an older wiser you coming to help you to answer your questions. Listen to that higher self. Open your eyes to the miracles of a higher power all around you. Take better care of yourself. Eat a good meal. Get some excerise. Take some vitamins. Go people watch. Nourish your soul. You do have one and it is obviously starving. Be kinder to yourself. You are a special unique individual. Go read my threads on inner peace, will and love.

Cruise around here for a bit. Don't check out just yet. You just need to get into the right stream of energy. Stop living in fear and misery. Know there are higher levels. Love, acceptance, joy, enlightenment. Do yo like to read? Go check out the author page I am reading some books now that are just getting me so excited about life.

Try to awaken your spirit just a little more. Give yourself just a little more time. Things will turn around. Stop telling the universe you want to die and start to tell it what you really want. The universe is just waiting for you to ask. Ask for more light in your life, more love, more compassion for yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. Get a good nights sleep. Rest easy. We love you, so please love yourself. :)

9:42 pm
June 13, 2006


Careverymuch

New Member

posts -1

Please, please, please do not give up! Because you are depressed and feel suicidal does not mean you are a coward. I believe it is a coward who actually kills themself. Of course, I do not know of your situation or why your pain is so deep, but there is nothing in the world that is worth killing yourself over. I saw a show once about people who tried to commit suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and they all said that on the way down, they had wished they had never jumped. Obviously these people lived to tell their story. Does this mean anything to you? Not trying to stick it in your face, but just wondering if you ever thought about this type of thing?

9:51 pm
June 13, 2006


Rasputin

New Member

posts 0

Fubar77 -

I tried to commit suicide when I was 10 years old. I'm so glad that I did not do it.

Life is not fair and thus there are lots of harsh and unfair situations and people.

Sweetheart! We are all here for you.

Know that you're so loved and cared for by US!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

9:56 pm
June 13, 2006


shyshy

New Member

posts -1

Hang in there Fubar. You don't know what awaits you on the other side if you committ suicide!! Leave this world the way you were meant to leave it!!

Remember we are all in this together. Different ways but still underneath the same big sky!!

12:48 am
June 14, 2006


bluefish

New Member

posts -1

Furbar

I want to talk to you but what should I say?

I have a son who attempted suicide. I was thousands of miles away. It was nothing, and I mean nothing short of a miracle that he did not die.

I don't know your situation, whether you have a loving family or not. My son has a loving family and he knows it. Yet when this kind of depression takes over it just really takes over it seems.

Please, and I beg, please don't do this to yourself. You are every ounce as precious as is my son. Some people may not have the loving family others do but that does not make them any less special!!!!!!!!!

Now, having a loving family was not enough for my son. I appologized to my son so much for not being there for him at such a horrible time and he had to face his demons all by himself. He's my youngest and Oh, he still feels like my baby. When your children are in trouble the just seem to turn into your babies all over again and you want to save them if it costed your life!

What he told me was that I could not have helped him, in fact he said it would have hindered him if I had been there. This I could not understand.

Wisdom came from my child's mouth. He said there are things nobody can teach you. You have your own purpose here – a reason you are here!!! Words can come out of people's mouth telling you everything you should do. In the end real help has to come from within you.

That can actually be very empowering. ALways being needy and helpless, down and out, that isn't strengthening. What would be strengthening then? Take ownership! Take pride! Take the hard rocky road and start climbing.

I had a situation where for 10 years my husband beat me. I felt like a bird in a cage being hurt every day. It seemed all I could do was look inward and feelmy pain and my hopeless situation which I truly thought it was.

I call those my dungeon days. My lost in a dark cave with no light in sight, days. I hope you read this far because those horrible days ended.

One good thing I did those days was search, like clawing in the muck, every day feeling hopeless. But I kept clawing and searching with much crying and praying. I put myself down. I said all the worsed things to myself about myself.

One day in my search, as I was walking by myself, saying these hopeless evil things to myself, a very very quiet voice said simply, "don't say that". I stopped. It was not audible but in this evil trance I seemed to be in a gentle voice penetrated through to my ears and it immedietly stopped me.

There was nothing more and I kept walking but now my mind turned to other things, besides my putdowns of myself.

My circumstances hadn't changed. I still said bad things about myself to myself. Only not so much because when I did I remembered those words. "don't say that" Following those three simple words seemed to lead my out of the cave.

Things were still rough in our home. But I remember thinking,"Now I am climbing a rugged mountain" Oh how I loved climbing this rugged mountain. I was no longer lost, in the endless cave. There was sun, rain, cold, I could feel it all and it seemed wonderful compared to the cave.

Since I recognized that voice once, I started hearing it more. I remember thinking, I think that's the voice to follow. I tried it and it seemed to be steer me right, always simple and easy to follow. If it wasn't simple and easy I didn't pay attention. Maybe it was God, maybe it was common sense.

So please – Furbar – hang in there. I couldn't help my son and I can't really help you because your life is up to you. Search and you will find the strength for yourself.

Through his difficulties, my son has developed a very soft and caring heart for others. He traveled to one of the poorest countries in the world and fell in love withthe people there. He is still quite young and just got married but both him and his wife have made a long range goal to go back to this country to live and insome way help out over there.

I hope and pray you will make it through your dark days and come out with more purpose and clearity than you ever would have, if you had not had these times of trials.

Many thoughts and much love is going out to you right now by people who read this and by those who have written. Please reply, we want to kmow how you are. Love Bluefish

12:54 am
June 14, 2006


tinkrbell

New Member

posts -1

fubar

The reasn why you can't do it is because you know in your heart that it won't solve the problem that has brought you to this point. I am a grief counselor and I have seen what suicide does to the people that are left behind. They have no closure, and a million questions that will haunt them the rest fo their lives. You are worth so much more that you think. Your lost right now and it feels like killing yourself is the only answer. It's not answer to the problem. Please I beg you to get some help. Listen to your heart sweetie it's telling you to live on.

tink

1:35 am
June 14, 2006


katarina

New Member

posts -1

I WILL PRAY FOR YOU.

8:40 am
June 14, 2006


Juanita

Member

posts 27

Fubar,

So far you have not been able to do this because deep down inside you DON'T WANT to…. you have hope, you want help, you don't want to do this.

Please continue to come here, people care. Please continue to search for a better counsellor who can help you, perhaps a better med to help you. You just haven't found the right combination yet to help ease your thoughts.

People do care. You are loved. Remember that. Look how many people here have responded to your plea.

Don't do yourself in. Listen to your Hope. You have support. Cry out & vent here when you need to.

Please take care….

(((((((((((((((((( hug )))))))))))))))))

Juanita

9:08 am
June 14, 2006


Foreverfriend121

New Member

posts -1

Furbar,
I am so sorry that you are going through this.Your pain has to be very great for you to want to kill yourself.Yes,I have many thoughts of doing it too,but there has to be help out there somewhere for us.P lease don't give up.Ask for the help you need.Doctors don't know how to help us if we don't tell them what is going on.Open up to someone you trust.Please stay here with us.There are people left in the world who truly care.

10:21 am
June 14, 2006


smarterone

New Member

posts -1

fubar
I am deeply sorry for your pain. I have felt that way many times. I tried the drugs way and found myself not taking it all at once, so maybe i found out i didnt want to die. Just wanted an answer. some help. I find that is so hard to get, especially when you dont know what exactly is wrong. I know now that most of my problems come from wanting to fix everything for my son. Does he care, no. I have a man who cares for me and i am now goiong to try to care for myself. I, today, am going to check out what the lord has made outside. I hope you understand me. Its hard andi will pray for you.

12:05 pm
June 14, 2006


iamlearning

New Member

posts -1

Hello
I Prayed for you and trust God will keep you close and alive. I have tried suicide twice. Both times i ended up in the hospital with them pumping my stomach. Aftereach episode, I realized how much i liked the attention and pity i got from everyone. I even forgot the despair i felt that led me to take the pills. I loved the feeling of being loved and all the special treatment I got. I realize now that -that was the story of my life. I did not feel loved and cared for, did not feel valued and thought no one would miss me. That is the lie I lived by. I romanticized death. I thought of how sad everyone would be when I was gone. Of how guilty they would feel for not loving me. I remember the first time i overdosed I started to panic. I am not here to tell you that you are feeling the same things I did-I am saying-think about why you want to die. Dying will not accomplish anything for you. It ends the journey that God intends for you. What is at the root of your desire to die? What do your thoughts say about what will happen when you are gone? I struggled with that for a long time and realized that I really did not want to die-or else i would have done it quickly and deliberately. I had otehr issues. Please give yourself a chance. Keep writing to us and let us talk more about this. I have been there and I would like to help.

7:14 pm
June 14, 2006


fubar77

New Member

posts -1

Thank you all for your support. I did make it through the night. i appreciate all of your advice, but I will also say that this has been going on since I was 11 and I have done and tried everything form counseling to meds to churchto whatever I could think of. I went years when I thought I had it beat. Then all of a sudden it is back and more powerful than ever.

I think that the last post here from iamlearning may have hit it on the head.

I like the attention I got when I had attempted suicide prior. I liked the caring I got. I had been in a 4 year relationship where I was getting that and it recently fell apart. MAybe that is why I am searching for that love and caring again. What pisses me off is why can't I do that for myself? Why do I need someone else to care about me and validate my worthiness? Why is being alone so damn scary to me? I can be in a room full of people and still feel completely lonely. It is a disgusting feeling.

Anyway thank you all again for taking the time out write and care.

Thanks

10:51 pm
June 14, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

Dearest Fubar…

I am a suicide survivor. My late husband (of 20 years) hung himself to death three years ago. His sons found his body. I tried to revivie him, using CPR. Too late. It has now been three years and we are STILL feeling the horror and the total loss of his abandonment…his suicide. If you were to take your life, you would be destroying the lives of everyone close to/connected to you. I pray that you will seek medical and spiritual support, that you will NOT give in to those lying voices which are telling you that death will bring release from your emotional pain. I have no doubt that you are in terrible pain. But…there is hope. You can get free of the pain with caring, with love, with God's compassionate support, with medical help. Please reach out. Please please don't leave another devastated group of survivors who must live out their lives, grieving for you.

I will be praying for you.

11:43 pm
June 14, 2006


bluefish

New Member

posts -1

Furbar, I just want to say thanks for replying and letting us know that you made it through the night. I'm sure I'm not the only one who will be looking for your posts and especially hoping we'll hear about your climb out of your "dungeon". There is a way to learn to give yourself that caring that you need. I could say more but then I'd be writing a book again, which I tend to do. I'm a very quiet person but when I write I can go on and on.

11:44 pm
June 14, 2006


bluefish

New Member

posts -1

Furbar, I just want to say thanks for replying and letting us know that you made it through the night. I'm sure I'm not the only one who will be looking for your posts and especially hoping we'll hear about your climb out of your "dungeon". There is a way to learn to give yourself that caring that you need. I could say more but then I'd be writing a book again, which I tend to do. I'm a very quiet person but when I write I can go on and on.

Love BF

11:46 pm
June 14, 2006


bluefish

New Member

posts -1

WHAT! did I do there to send that note twice???

11:48 pm
June 14, 2006


milwife

New Member

posts -1

Fubar77 –

you have things to teach yet. I found that out earlier. Turn it out, instead of in. You have people in your family who love you, and people here and elsewhere whose lives you have not yet touched.

I, for one, am very grateful you are here. You said some things I really needed to know on another thread — you know the one. Thank you.

j.

8:56 am
June 15, 2006


iamlearning

New Member

posts -1

Good Morning fubar..I have the same problems with looking to others for love and self worth. I have been struggling with that all my life. I am now 46. It started with my childhood and having an abusive mother. I looked to her to validate who i a was. I looked to her for love. I learned that behavior early on and it has become a way of life for me. I am in a bad relationship right now for 5 yrs with a man I shoulld not have even started a relationship with. It is at ahead now and i stay in it because I have placed my self worth and value in himm. He rejects me and i feel like i am unworthy and it makes me cling even more-because I want him to want me so I can feel valued. I have started couseling for the codependency because I need to understand me. I went to counseling for depression and the suicide but the root of it is, I need to understand how to love myself.

5:53 pm
June 15, 2006


fubar77

New Member

posts -1

Well when you figure out the answer to the big question of how to love yourself. Please let me in on it. I will do the same if I find it.

In the meanwhile perhaps your first step would be to leave this guy and stand on your own. It might go a long way to helping you learn to love yourself!

Thanks for you kind words and take care

5:59 pm
June 15, 2006


StronginHim77

Member

posts 453

iamlearning…

What you shared about having an abusive mother and looking to her for the affirmation that never came made so much sense to me. You described my OWN childhood! My mother also was (still is — at age 84) abusive and emotionally unavailable. So, I team up with men who are like "mini" versions of my mother. Hurts like hell, but the pattern is "familiar," so I float right back into it…man after man…

Fubar…

Did you have a painful relationship with your mom or your dad? Please don't feel pressed to share, unless you are comfortable talking about it, but I am genuinely interested. Perhaps we have a common "link," unable to be loved because we never learned how as children from the parents who should have nurtured us?

- Strong


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