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2:33 pm
August 8, 2006


mj

New Member

posts -1

I hope that you are feeling a tad better dear. Accepting the things we can change like wrinkle free clothes and letting go of the things we have no control over, the past! Looking at the past but not staring so that we can avoid repeating the same mistakes! Love to YOU

3:59 pm
August 8, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Ty, Mj, and glad to see you back again. Hope you enjoyed your time away and that your back felt better, too. I'm sorry to read about your ex. That is sad. I hope you're taking good care of you as that is about all we can do. Everytime I think I've let go of everything from the past, my older son or daughter have to mention things which bring it all back again. My one granddaughter just called me and I told her, You know losing 3 homes and nearly everything in them has just been too much to take. It might not be so bad if I wasn't still struggling so hard here now, but my whole life has been about survival and sometimes I just wish for it to be better. My wicker chair broke, but I can still sit on it and I thought I could get one on sale if my youngest son could have helped a little financially, but he couldn't. I never thought to try to put it in layaway so when I went back the next day the last 3 chairs I liked were gone. Finally, I had seen ones I liked enough that I would have thrown mine away, but again it was not to be. It has been hard to throw mine away because my little pekingnese used to sleep on it on the cushions I'd made. It is a reminder of her everyday for me and finally I reached a point where I would have let that go, but now of course I can't as I feel I need the chair. Maybe one day it will all work out for me. Take care, okay. Love and Hugs to you and all. :)

6:02 pm
August 8, 2006


mj

New Member

posts -1

(((((((TW)))))))))

I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes the material things in our lives remind us of our loved ones ie your sweet pet. Remember, we can't take it with us when we go. It is just stuff. You still have yourself so Cherish YOU my Dear.You are loveable and responsible for you. I believe attitude is so important. When I am feeling out of sorts, making a gratitude list helps me to appreciate all my blessings in life.

6:57 pm
August 8, 2006


bangles

Member

posts 16

Hi Tumbles! I agree with what mj wrote above. I tend to get caught up in "things," and in the end, what do they matter? It's who we are, what we do, how we treat others that counts in this life. So do indeed cherish yourself and think about all the things that make YOU special. It gets harder and harder, I think, when all around use we see people that are inconsiderate, rude, in a hurry and that becomes the norm. I noticed that when driving the other day. So many people just being inconsiderate and rude. And you often see it in the Supermarkets. I always let someone with just a few items go in front of me when I'm standing there with my cart full, but I notice that the favor is seldom returned. I still keep doing it…figure maybe if these clods see that some people are still considerate, maybe they will re-think their own ways, or maybe be kind to the next person they come across. Well, I'm gonna scoot. Was at school today and then worked a lot in the yard. Have a few more little projects I want to get done tonight. Take care. Bangles

8:46 pm
August 8, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Ty, both. Yes, its much more than the material things which some of them I could use now. I'm really not about that, but its all I gave of myself for others who will never know or appreciate what all this has cost me. Not to have people believe I really did quit drinking and did most of it on my own with no support. Then have them use and abuse me and everything I cherished that I worked so hard for. It is probably impossible to understand unless you've been in this position. The good old codependent who had to do it all, take responsibility for all the irresponsible people who refused to do it or even be of any help or support. Now, all these kids can do is tell me their problems and to be honest I don't want to hear it anymore. I have come fully awake now to what all has happened to me and how I'm sitting here totally unloved, despised and rejected or whatever. I don't want to hear their words anymore with my birthday coming up. Have a great birthday, I love you etc. and there is nothing behind it. Now, it is me who wants them to leave me alone as I deserve much better treatment than they've dished out. How am I supposed to play the game and put on the happy face and be so grateful for my crumbs? No, I can't do it anymore. Call it a bad mood or call it facing reality, it doesn't matter because I know I can't play the game anymore. :)

11:10 pm
August 8, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Oh yes, gratitude. Well, I am grateful I have a roof over my head and even air conditioning in this squeltering weather. I am grateful I've had the ability to stretch the money I get from month to month. And I am grateful for my very humble apt. and its very humble furnishings I managed to scavage and move here by myself. What if I couldn't do for myself? Don't even want to think of that day, hope it never comes. The problem here is that all of you could identify with my children much better than you probably can with me. You still have homes, families, children with you or children and grandchildren you still see. You haven't lost homes and families and I hope for your sake you never have to know what thats like. I have to respect myself now because my self respect, my honesty and integrity are the main things I have left. I struggle, but I pay my bills, haven't tried to get out of them by filing bankruptcy even though my income now is far less than it was when the bills were made. And at the time they were not made for foolishness. As you see by how I post I'm a very serious person so no frivolties for me and there never has been. I don't know what it is to be pampered and loved, have never known it. I have been sick by myself in a household of people, have crawled up steps I was so sick and struggled with my arms in casts with no help so its all about the hard cold reality for me. And it has all come rushing back to remind me again because one or another in my family will not let things alone. Maybe they don't know any better, but that certainly doesn't help me. Don't tell me you can't help me with the least thing when you're out there squandering your money and you're going to offer me crumbs. And believe me I don't usually ask their help with anything because I know how unavailable they are for me so it has to be pretty important to me to even ask anything of them. Tell me this wouldn't hurt any of you if you were in this position. If not then you're a better person than me, thats for sure. I got one thing and thats determination and I know that taking care of myself and holding my head up will hurt them more than anything. It always hurts those who use us and want us to keep our heads down and act less than. Well, I'll hang onto my self respect and determination and maybe for once I won't be available, I'll say no, too. :)

8:40 am
August 9, 2006


tooscared

Member

posts 21

I think you are right that you have to have self-respect and determination to pull yourself out of the darkness that is surrounding you Tumbleweed. You are right that most of us have not been in the position that you are in right now, so we don't know how you are feeling. But then again, I haven't been in the exact position of too many others who I share with on this website.

I think the common thing that brings us all together is wanting to heal and move forward in our lives, no matter where we are at at this time. To have others who will write and share and who want to listen hopefully lets you know that there is hope and encouragement out there.

When is your birthday Tumbleweed? I know it is coming up, but I wasn't sure of when. It sounded like you were doing pretty good for a while and things were looking a little brighter with your outings with friends and shopping. What happened that caused your sadness to come to the surface at this point?

I think any of us would be hurt by our children if they were so cold and callous as to forget about us and do things to purposely hurt us. No one should have to put up with that. I'm sorry that you have been so hurt.

Love, TS

10:22 am
August 9, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Ty, TS. What happened was probably a minor thing, but my children end up being my triggers nearly every time. My older son who was having so much trouble finally rented a mobile home where he could have both his dogs and I was happy for him that finally he could be somewhere that was like his own and in a better area. Then he had to mention that he had to vacuum up dog hair with the Kirby. The Kirby I bought for our last home was very expensive and because they didn't take care of it, I had to spend even more having it rebuilt a couple of times. So, I asked him, my Kirby? That cost me so much and no one could see that I got it when they left the house, just walked out. He told me he and his wife went in the house after my daughter left and took the Kirby and who knows what else, he said nothing else. When I moved to Mt. I got a Kenmore for free from the lady who passed out food from the food bank there. I brought it here with me which is what I have, also a rebuilt vacuum with a taped cord which the maintenance man here fixed for me. At the time my daughter was going to have to leave the house all I heard from them is We'll have to get together so you can get your things and that happened in the 2 other homes, too, but it was only words. This same son and his wife took my things, sold some of them and some of the antiques her parents got and never let me in to get any of my things nor did my husband when he lived there. I have known that I couldn't trust my older son or my daughter as they have also bought things in my name, then didn't pay for them or made late payments. So, how messed up was I that I signed my house over to her for them to destroy, then walk out on it all. I just can't take any more of it or being reminded of it. My granddaughter who doesn't live too far away, I see twice a year, on my birthday and for Christmas and this year I don't want to go because there again she and her mother discuss me and its a no win situation. Her little boys barely know I'm a great granny and they don't greet me, barely say Good bye and mock me when I talk sometimes because they want all the attention which I understand they would, but things must have been said for them to choose me to mock. Same thing when she's on the phone with me. I just don't want to know them anymore. It is just all about obligation for these special days and the rest of the year no one knows I'm alive. I'm tired of wearing the happy face which they expect me to do. To sit there smiling pleasantly and acting the part of who they think I still am even though I've told them I'm not that person you shoved into a room anymore in my own home and I won't be again though it was forced on me again when I was at my daughter's and that already brought up all this unpleasantness and abuse. My birthday isn't until next week and now I'm blessed with all this week of being upset already. Looks like I'm better off when they do leave me alone. That and the fact that my son couldn't help me get that chair with all the money he squanders around and granted its his money and his choice, but I didn't want it for nothing. I only wanted help to be able to get it like $15 maybe it would have cost him and would have meant so much to me to be able to let go of my chair and the memories of losing my companion here. I didn't want it for my birthday which he said if he'd had the money he'd have bought it for my birthday, but that wasn't the idea. I would have paid him back next month as this was simply to replace my broken down chair. Little things in light of all that is happening in this world, I know, but still very hurtful. Take care, all. :)

12:30 pm
August 9, 2006


mj

New Member

posts -1

Wow TW, You have stored up alot of resentment towards your family. Do you own a copy of the BIG Book? Read page 417 on Acceptance! Acceptance is the key to all my problems. It sounds as if you are expecting something someone else wasn't willing to give. Alcoholism is a family disease. Maybe its time for a fourth step to clear away the wreckage of your past.

When I choose to focus on the negative, that is what I see. Can you change others? I have learned that you can only change oneself. I go to my meetings to focus on what I can change, me. I never find serenity in my anger.

1:24 pm
August 9, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Yes, I have the Big Book and I will read. I have acknowledged my part of the problems many times and I did what I knew to correct them. I fail to see why I'd have to keep accepting their crumbs, what little they have to offer me. I don't ask anything of them nor do I expect much. Sure I resent that I gave everything away and I do mean everything. But now after many years I've gained back my self respect and I can't allow them to keep treating me like the door mat they always thought I was. Unfortunately, how people first perceive you stays in their minds forever. First impressions are lasting. No matter how you change and do your best, it will never be seen by those who have already decided who you are. I thought that I, like others could vent my feelings on here, but no one has walked my walk so all I've done is look like this hateful, resentful person which I really am not. I have tried many times to have relationships with my family, my whole family, but they will always only use that as a reason to try to use me again. So, I see no alternative to have peace of mind, but to let them all go which I've had to do pretty much, anyway. Do you not think once in a while a call to me would be nice to just ask how I'm doing? No, I don't get that ever. So, if they want to keep their resentments toward me, they can keep them and they can keep blaming me for what they think is wrong in their lives so they don't have to face their own stuff, thats fine if they want to do that, but I don't want to be a part of it anymore. :)

3:10 pm
August 9, 2006


tooscared

Member

posts 21

Sounds like you might be healthier and in a better state of mind moving on and cutting your family off from your world at this point. With so much that has happened over the years, I am not sure how things can be forgiven that have been buried so deep.

That is why it is so important at this stage in your life to get out and meet new people and find things that bring you joy. If you sit in your apartment and have no physical contact with the world around you, then it is easier to sink into a hole of despair and loneliness. BUT, if you force yourself to get out, talk to people, find a hobby or something that is interesting to you, then you will widen your circle of contacts and friendships. Maybe do some volunteer work at shelters or the library or anywhere that interests you.

I am glad you vented and shared these things you have been feeling. You have to acknowledge what you are feeling before you can work to change things.

Love, TS

4:17 pm
August 9, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Yes, TS, usually this stuff stays buried, but it just goes to show how when something gets brought up from the past it triggers all this in me. I don't do feelings well as I was raised not to have them so I have no clue what to do with them when they come rushing in at me. I guess its telling me again I should journal about them, read it over and try to sort it all out. So far, I haven't been able to journal about my feelings. My journal is still all about quotes and things like that which I find helpful. If I ever wrote anything down about how I felt I tore up the page and threw it away. Just in case anyone should read it and use it against me. I remember telling my granddaughters that once I'm gone they can read my journals. How silly as they may not even care about it and some I've already thrown away along with many helpful notes I've made. I think this will help me again to do some purging around here and throw out all the unnecessary. To have a feeling of more clean space. Too much damage has been done with my family and my daughter turning her children against me. Its still very evident with all of them though these were the children I loved, helped raise and cared about. I just don't want disrespect from anyone anymore because I've struggled too hard to even get as far as I've come. None of it has been easy. But I do give myself credit for continuing to do what I believe is best and within my power to do. The idea of not talking to my family does not make me happy, but these reminders from them put me behind in my growth as I have to stew over it over and over again until it runs its course again and I'm back on track again. I just can't go there with them anymore and none of them ever tried to grow through counseling or any self help things that I know of. It is the same old same old like a merry-go-round all the time with them. Some don't want to grow, they'd rather blame and complain and point the finger, but do nothing about anything. I believe we always try to recreate a family, thats just human. My family was my pet and I for a few years which was very helpful, but I'm not in a position to do something like that anymore. So, maybe I need to get that sewing machine and create some things I'd like to have. I'm not ready for people yet and may not ever be, I don't know, but I can make things as nice as possible for myself where I have to be. Take care, okay. :)

12:04 am
August 10, 2006


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi All,

I have a very short little break – so I wanted to come and say "hi" – although I'm sorry I cannot reply to all – I'm also exhausted and about to fall asleep… so I will be back when I have more time. But, I wanted to wish all of you a happy day and I will post more over the weekend when I have some down time.

Love to all,

Z.

12:13 am
August 10, 2006


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

The little red LOUD dog enters the scene.

He looks about for his friend… "Where is she? Where is she?" Finally he spots his Tumblin' Gal Pal napping on the sofa.

He pokes his little head out the door, his eyes shiny and bright and whispers "Hurry! Hurry!"

With that, a magical happening takes place! The room is suddenly a bit larger. A quiet little man suddenly appears, waves his wand and Tumbles favorite wicker chair is repaired. Restored to almost new; but still comfy enough to bring back all the wonderful times and memories.

Another group of people, quiet as little mice they are appear and when they leave there is a little wicker table, with a glass top – and three matching wicker chairs – that OF COURSE although they are a little different? Go perfectly with the favorite chair.

LOUD then places a platter of tacos in the fridge and a bowl of flowers on the new table.

One last person looks at LOUD and winks. He wags his curly tail in appreciation and looks at the books and paints that have been left. After they eat, he and his Tumblin' Pal are going to decorate the wicker chairs with flowers! He remembers hearing his Pal talking about this.

With that, he curls up in a little ball, snuggles with Tumbles and they dream on…

3:27 am
August 10, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Oh, Z. How precious of you and LOUD. Ty for taking the time you barely had to post here and for the kind words. Why don't I remember to just make tacos when I let things get to me. They cure everything for me along with LOUD's delightful company. Ty to all of you as well. :)

9:43 am
August 10, 2006


tooscared

Member

posts 21

Hi Tumbleweed. I think we all want to have our family and those around us to respect us and our feelings. I think that is where setting boundaries come in. There have to be certain things that you expect from your children – like being talked to in a respectful way, like having your emails answered or phone calls returned. But, I think the key to your happiness is doing things that will bring joy to your own life and joy to those around you. You sound like a sweet lady who has much to offer the world around her, but you also have needs that need to be met.

I hope you have a blessed day and that joy comes your way in some way today.

Love, TS

1:24 pm
August 10, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Ty, TS. Yes, some joy came to me today as the custodian replaced a part under the sink here which hopefully will save me the nuisance of laundry suds coming up into my kitchen sink. It has been a pain to deal with several times a day. They have drain problems here, but at least we're getting the place redecorated so the common areas will look good. Its the same old with my children as far as not answering e-mails, but I don't send any more either because I can't make them answer and I'm not going to be in one way relationships anymore if I can help it. Haven't heard from the youngest son since I asked his help with the chair which figures. I'm not surprised. If I see another one I like will just plan to put a little money down on it and put it in layaway which I could be doing with a lot of things, but to me its like making another bill so I usually don't think that way. I used to do that even when I was working. So, maybe this experience just showed me another way of doing things again. I know that eventually I can always find a better way with things. Right now I'm just cleaning up and getting rid of some things here again because I really like seeing the extra space. Got rid of some things when the custodian was here which really didn't need to be under the sink. Always a good feeling to throw away a bag of stuff. My goal is get rid of all the unnecessary. When in doubt, throw it out. Have a good one, all. :)

7:27 pm
August 10, 2006


tooscared

Member

posts 21

I am not sure this post will go through because of the new security measures.

Tumbleweed, I am glad your sink was fixed today and hopefully it will solve the problem of the laundry suds coming up.

I won't write much until I know this will go through. Take care.

Love, TS

10:38 pm
August 10, 2006


Zinnie

New Member

posts 1

Hi Tumbles and all who stop by.

I finally have a chance to sit and read, and reply.

Tumbles – wow! You have had a lot going on. I'm sorry your children treat you the way that they do. You know, I have always felt that as much as I would love to blame my parents for what I might perceive as being wrong in my life – I have to believe, or perhaps it is I choose to believe that they did the best that they could at the time.

It would be so easy to say "well, I do this because my Mom drank, or because my Dad was out womanizing" but the reality of the matter is that at some point in our lives we have to take responsibility for our own actions.

I have to wonder if that is part of the problem you have with your family. You are such a wonderful scape-goat. You are very truly sorry, that much is evident and you have tried to make peace with them. Yet, instead of accepting your apologies and moving on and enjoying a relationship with you, for them it is so much easier to blame you vs. taking responsibility for their own lives and actions.

I have to say that no one (well perhaps with the exception of my Dad) could drive me as insane as my Mother could. But, I finally had to accept her for her. And… my Tumbling Friend – you did play a part in that. Remember all of those wonderful discussions we had? Well, after "talking" with you here, it helped me to see my Mom in a whole new way and our relationship DID improve.

I miss my Mom, terribly – even right now as I'm typing this I'm starting to tear up. I would give anything in the world to be able to write an e-mail to her and know when I opened my e-mail account her reply would be there. I would love to call her and hear her voice again. I do in my dreams. I hear her voice and I even remember the last hug she gave me. She was so sick and thin and yet she was able to hold me so tight.

So, perhaps you need to think of this – although you don't have the relationship you wish you had with your children, you HAVE made a difference. You have made an impact on my life and you helped to bring peace between me and my Mom.

That being said, in a small way you left the world a better place than it was before. So in my book that makes you a success.

Remember too, that you do have a dog – you have LOUD! Anytime you want to see that silly face, just pull up the "Wall of Sponsers" here on this site and there he is in all of his silly glory. I will gladly share LOUD with you… I love writing the little stories about you two. What you are up to – dancing, swinging, eating tacos. I love writing about it, and you always seem to get a chuckle out of it.

You have helped me tap into my creative side which I thought was long gone as I too am often very serious.

I cannot relate to you in that you have lost everything, several times; but, I can have sympathy and understanding for you. That is a part of friendship, and I am more than honored to be a friend to you.

You are a wonderful person Tumbles, just know that and I for one am grateful for your friendship and support, and I have a tremendous amount of respect for you being the person that you are in that despite your hardships you still keep trying.

With much love,

Zinnie and LOUD

11:21 am
August 11, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Ty, both for posting. If this goes through okay, will post more.

11:36 am
August 11, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

TS, Ty for sending me good wishes because the fellow who brought the plums before brought blackberries yesterday and I was so hoping to have some freshly picked ones this season. So that made my day, but I'm back on track again, I think, and surely wish I could stay that way no matter what.

Mj, If you're reading, I know it is about my attitude and its just that I always think I've accepted everything and moved on, but it still doesn't take much to trigger me again. I'm thankful my older son has not called and I had a chance to get myself together again before I talk with any of them again. I still really don't know how to handle it all if and when I see them again. I have been reading some in my Blueprint for Progress Al-Anon 4th step book. My Big Book is an older version given to me by my sponsor in Nov., 1974 so I haven't yet found what you suggested I read about acceptance, but I will probably find it and if not I know the Serenity Prayer says it all. :)

11:47 am
August 11, 2006


mj

New Member

posts -1

Love to YOU TW

It is in the stories, and my book is the story Acceptance is the Answer. Its a great sharing.

My we are on the same wavelength. I just wrote the serenity prayer on TS Thread! Good to hear that you are doing the work of recovery. I look at the steps daily. I am still struggling with Trust. I haven't did my 5th step because I am afraid that my sponsor will share the info with others. I have noticed that she does this regularly and this is stopping me. I just recently got a book from my sis (Who will be celebrating 4 years sobriety!) about sponsorship and the twelve steps. I think that learning to trust ourselves is so important. Giving my will to God and then taking the action steps to keep my side of the fence in order is all I need to do. Acceptance of others as they are helps me keep my serenity. I hope that you continue reading the Big Book, no matter what copy. It is excellent. Even though I am in Al-Anon, I find that it helps me have compassion for my friends and relatives. Its progress, not perfection and one day at a time.

Take Care Dear. I will be gone this weekend and I have forgotten which day is your Birthday? Have A Very Happy Birthday Tumbleweed8 and know that you are Special. Like so many here have expressed.

11:59 am
August 11, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Ty, Z, so much. I think we do need to feel we have family somewhere and at least friends and on here I guess our common things we deal with does sort of make us family. I am glad I have helped in some way, but I know it couldn't have happened unless you had an open mind about it. I'm happy your mother did give you that very sincere, loving hug at the end from her heart. And it is a blessing that you can communicate with her now as not everyone can do that or would want to. I just know from my experience from the past that hurting anyone or anything for that matter was really not me. I couldn't see anyone or anything hurt as I was growing up and I think either I was born a vegetarian or I became one because I couldn't see anything having to lose its life so that I could live and be nurtured from it. It just never made sense to me. I remember thinking that when people grew up whoever were their parents were no longer. I used to tell my mother all the time that so and so used to be so and so's mother and my mother would keep telling me they still are, but I couldn't see that either. I wish I had seen that in light of myself no longer being the mother, but somehow I didn't apply that to myself. I know that when children reach a certain age they become independent and their behavior begins to show that in however they choose to act. I couldn't be a mother to my children since they were young teenagers because they determined everything on what they were going to do and at the time my husband supported their not wanting to go to school etc. He was the fun person like I've said. He also didn't graduate from high school though his circumstances were different in that it wasn't as available to him. I'm glad my youngest son got his ged and even a couple of college degrees and his machinist training etc. He went to vocational school for that, too, so that was one out of three who did progress in that area. And so far he has done better than the other two who I would like to see doing better even if they never bother with me, just for their own sake. And of course my departure when the time comes will be easier if they're doing better, too. I don't want to leave with anything hanging over me which is why I still pay all my old bills and try to do my best. Hugs all. :)

12:00 pm
August 11, 2006


mj

New Member

posts -1

Oh TW…. I did some research and discovered YOUR BIRTHDAY is August 15!

So maybe I will be back in time to celebrate with All! Tacos and Cherry Cheesecake? Have a Great Day!

12:04 pm
August 11, 2006


Tumbleweed8

Member

posts 29

Ty, Mj. I hope you have a good weekend. I'll keep looking through my book, has to be there, I think though I was told at a later meeting that some of the stories were changed from what is in my book. Ty for the birthday wishes. I know I don't even want to say when, but its the 15th. Take care, okay. Hugs. :)


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