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Trying not to depend on boyfriend and hurting inside.

UserPost

4:12 pm
November 21, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

well. i was insecure. have been insecure. and needed his assurance. which he failed to give. he's not giving by nature he says. which i dont understand. how can one not give assurance knowing that it will alleviate so many problems and with it, the arguements.

that being said. i got upset and we started arguing. for 3 days in a row because he didnt assure me, after i managed not to do so for 4 days or so. finally on monday, we went on a date. it was fine at first but i talked to him and got upset at his indifference and we talked and he told me he expects me to change to be less insecure and more independent and rely on him less because he didnt want to have to deal with me and was sick of arguing with me.

he told me he would not change for anyone because i asked him why wont he change for me, be more assuring, more giving. he told me he's not giving by nature and he doesnt know how to assure me and does not want to deal with my 'emo attacks' all the time.

later that night he said he wanted it to end. and i didnt expect him to end so soon because he told me that he didnt want to lose me just hours ago. he was sick of me. but he still loved me. and it was better that we ended like this.

convinced him to let me have a chance to change and he did but did mention that he didnt expect it to last because i wouldnt be able to change as much as he wanted me to.

i can see that he loves me, but i am not sure whether he is in love with me. he appreciates what i've done for him and he just wanted me to be stronger but didnt know how.

i need to voice out how i feel, i need to be assured. and now i dare not do any of these because i dont want to lose him.

im so sad. i just canot deal with losing him now. nor can i deal with settling for less. i dont know what to do and im breaking down and every nuance.im trying to change to be stronger. but i need his help too.

its so painful, to know that he wanted to leave.

he siad that he wanted to be freinds, best friends if possible. it old him that was impoissble. he kept talking as though it was arleady over because he felt that there was slim to zero chance of us gettin gback to where we were.

it just hurts because i did all i knew how to for him. everything but change.

5:04 pm
November 21, 2007


risingfromtheashes

st regis falls, ny

Member

posts 14

thing is – he is being bluntly honest….he isn't going to change and won't be more giving.

now, it sounds like you are codependent and would move heaven and earth to please him – but at WHAT EXPENSE? changing who you are?..that's not fair…tho you may think it is.

when we enter in a relationship – we should be loving the person we choose for who they are – NOT trying to change them to mould them into who we NEED them to be….that is a recipe for failure.

you may argue that you are willing to do that for the right person – but if it's right – why does he need to change?

He isn't the right guy if you need him to change…period.

it's a hard break to make…but for your own peace of mind, it's necessary and he's tellign you just that.

Pick up the book "women who love too much"…it explains relationship addiction and what it's like to "love too much" or want to change your partner….and "codependent no more" gives you valuable tools to help heal and stop controlling and being codependent.

You can't change him – he has told you that flat out – and even tho you lvoe him and are willing to change – he isn't. And that doesn't mean he does NOT love you – it just means he is setting healthy boundaries about what he will and wont' do – and that's not a bad thing.

You shouldn't have to change who you are to accomodate someone – nor should they.

Like I said, he may love you – but it's apparently not enough in your eyes – but it's not fair to ask him to do more or change more.

I hope I make some sense here.

Remember, the right guy for you will not have to change to meet your needs – he will meet your needs from day one.

5:52 pm
November 21, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

sigh how to let go. this one realy means alot to me.

by change i mean giving more assurances and being more patient and understanding why i behave the way i do. is that too much to ask?

lets say i compromise. would it working out be possible?

i dont see this change as bad altogether. its objectives are to make me less codep. less dependant. which is what most codeps strive to be right. what is saddening however is that he doesnt know how to deal with me sometimes.

im being so stupid so hopeful sometimes its frustrating.

and lets say we do part. how to remain friends without my being in pain seeing him date other women.

he wants to remain in contact. to check up on how i am. he's not a bad guy. but not a good boyfriend.

sad. :(

6:07 pm
November 21, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

its also hard to let go because he's got everything i want..

7:51 pm
November 21, 2007


fantas

Member

posts 14

…he couldn't possibly have everything you want if he is not comforting and assuring you when you need it and if you can't share your true feelings.

9:09 am
November 22, 2007


DorisDay

New Member

posts -1

My ex was always trying to get ME to change.

Without dragging this thread down the entire avenue of my ex, suffice to say that things would never work out with us because for whatever reason, I wasn't what he needed, and he wanted me to change. In my codependency, I felt I SHOULD change (i.e. no more pets, no football, no rock n' roll…things like that) because afterall, I erected him as a god in my eyes.

For whatever reason, your boyfriend doesn't like your behavior. THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE NOT A GOOD PERSON AND THAT YOU SHOULD CHANGE. It means you two aren't meant to be with one another. Yes, this is so hard to understand. He isn't meeting your needs either.

I am so hurt, too, that I am no longer with my ex. I wish a fairy godmother could wave a wand to show me how disastrous life would have been married to him. I think I was saved from a life of hell…

11:30 am
November 30, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

thing is, he's got everything i want save the lack of assurance

he's told me i've got everything he wants except the independence and over reliance part.

iduno.

plus the fact i get upset easily.

DorisDay, sorry to hear about the ex. your case sounds really extreme. so hard to find the 'right' partner.

im giving it one last shot.. see how this goes. i dont want to keep being upset because of him and distracting myself from work.

11:33 am
November 30, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

and whatever happened to accepting flaws and compromise.

how far does that hve to go.

11:33 am
November 30, 2007


Randomwomen2

New Member

posts -1

((r0knae)) i have to take my son to school but as soon as I get back I will respond. Just know that there are people here that know exactly what your going through. ((r0knae

11:34 am
November 30, 2007


Randomwomen2

New Member

posts -1

I meant to give you a full hug not half a hug heres the other half ))

11:41 am
November 30, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

:) thanks.

12:34 pm
November 30, 2007


Randomwomen2

New Member

posts -1

do you have your own hobbies like painting or writing? Im asking this because it is so easy to get so enveloped in a person that they feel suffocated and we loose ourselves because we put all the focus on them and the only thing we get out of it is hurt. Sometimes by building ourselves up it will benefit us and our relationships

12:35 pm
November 30, 2007


MsGuided

Golden Horseshoe.ca

Member

posts 104

Eccepting peoples flaws

I often think of that.
I myself think if a person has a few codependant features , yet overall they contribute to the relationship and you feel loved, and loyalty is there, and there aren't sever addiction issues, then it is owrth staying.
NOBODY is perfect.
But a healthy self esteem will be a buffer between you and choosing someone who is unavailable and/or abusive.
These things are deal breakers in my books.

There are other books (haha) that are much more precise.One is "Codependant no more", and you can search the web for info instantly (including the archives here)

If you can't figure out for yourself what the situation is then getting literature and educating yourself is the second step, after recognizing there is a problem.

Be Well r0knae!

1:16 pm
November 30, 2007


aguyspointofview

New Member

posts -1

r0knae,

I think that you accept flaws and compromise until you start (and I mean FIRST START) to lose yourself in the process. Willingness to compromise is part of every relationship but for those with codependent tendencies it is a slippery slope to losing yourself. And believe me, no relationship is worth that…

I love what randomwoman says about self-esteem. That is such an important part of building a successful relationship. After all it takes two INDIVIDUALS…

4:16 pm
November 30, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

randomwomen2-gosh i climb, draw, and do design, small work assignments here and there i meet my friends at every week.my life doesnt revolve solely around him, i have my own life too.

i give him what he wants i give him what he needs. he gives back on occasion.

what i depend on him for is emotional support. he's the type who is expressive at times. and by expressive i mean expressive. but when he doesnt feel like talking about my feelings he just substitutes it 'poor baby' or something like that without reeally talking about it. until i get emotional. then he gets annoyed. especially so at night.

he just told me he didnt like forcing people to do what they didnt want to. and i said he's forcing me to change. to which he repsonded, im not forcing ou to change. you wanted to change yourself.

i said, if i dont change, you will leave. how is that not forcing.

he said i had a choice.

that aside.i need him as my emotional support. that is the only major problem in our relationship. that and the racial difference and my family but we havent exactly encountered that because i ahve never brought him home before.he's indian, i'm chinese.

aguyspointofview: how do you start to 'lose yourself'

MsGuided-would you deem a guy who just doesnt want to deal with his girlfreinds emotional insecurities/paranoia(mild) abusive?

i have been told time and time again to leave him alone when i get insecure. and to just chill out. it just kills me,that i haven't him to talk to, to reassure me. and some part of that has worked, i just dont need as much as i used to.(not like i would have gotten it anyway)

and i just found out he lied to me. and he insisted he forgot all about it. and he finally admitted to something but he refused to say it was him lying. and he always combats my accusations with accusations of his own upon me. so i believed him. it wasnt too big a deal. what bothered me was that i caught him and he stil stuck to his story.(i am not in denial here, it really wasnt a big deal i do think rationally when i make myself)

it hurt because i am by nature not trusting and i was just beginning to trust him and he acted like i was in the wrong and acting very defensive.

the 17 month relationship was on the mend. but i dont know whether it will work out.

i have read up on codependency and loving too much.

i am setting boundaries for myself. immersing myself into work, friends, other passions. sometiimes failing because i get distracted, sometimes succeeding. it's only been 3 months and progress is really really slow. regarding the emotional breakdowns triggered by him. i try not to cry so often.

there has been good there has been bad

i know my situation isnt as bad as some who've been cheated on/abuside physically and emotionally. but please bear with me..

thank you all for responding it really really means a lot to me because i didnt know where else to turn to so i started going here. and if i can, i want to try to help you too.

6:44 pm
November 30, 2007


MsGuided

Golden Horseshoe.ca

Member

posts 104

r0kne
Do you want to be married and does he?

Only you can determine if your needs are excessive or "paranoi", and if they aren't?
Does he get violent? Does he insult you and call you derogatory names? Does he ever apologize? Does he behave with loyalty? just a few of so many requiremnts for commitment.
If your BF doesn't feel comfortable with your insecurities then it is a flaw.
But if he treats you well in every other aspect, and shows he's dedicated and supportive, trustworthy etc. You have to decide how important that fault is and how much attention and friction you want to lend it.

I really don't know!
You're both from differnt backgrounds, and part of forming a permanent bond is to be able to sort out differences/misunderstandings with respect for both parties.
He has to meet most of your needs and visa versa.
"
i give him what he wants i give him what he needs. he gives back on occasion"

On occassion? Is everything on his terms?
If you feel like their isn''t a balance, write down all the things you do for him and visa versa. Take Stock.

Meanwhile it is good you have an active life and involvement with others.
The worst thing to do is make your world revolve around him.
Your not married yet! ;0)

I hope this helps.if it doesn't, it really doesn't matter what other people think.

I wish you the best!

8:19 pm
November 30, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

he's not violent

he insults me fter i have insulted him, but we cut down on that, i dont know whether he's loyal, he's not tied down yet, so i suppose he does keep one eye out for other girls although he says online websites where he checks girls out dont relaly mean anything to him.

but i wouldnt know.

race has never been an issue, neither has cultural background. we're both not in touch with our cultures. problem lies within my side, my parents arent receptive.his are.

i will write down a list.. and see how things go..

8:32 pm
November 30, 2007


MsGuided

Golden Horseshoe.ca

Member

posts 104

"so i suppose he does keep one eye out for other girls although he says online websites where he checks girls out dont relaly mean anything to him."

Remember actions speak louder than words.. ALWAYS look as his actions as truth.
Not being in touch with our cultures. Boy isn't that an understatement!
I'm first generation Canadian, Dutch decent. All my relatives in Holland.

I'm not so sure giving up our heritage has been so helpfull for the majority. Seems like a huge experiment to me.

Best of luck with your list. He has to meet your requirements. Remember that.

2:02 pm
December 1, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

i wonder, if looking to actions as truth can lead to paranoia.

so what you mean is, if he's looking, he's really looking even though he says it means nothing.

i havent completely given up my heritage, just not completely into it. singaporean here. heh.

thanks,:) hugssss

3:21 pm
December 2, 2007


Codependent But Still Looking

New Member

posts -1

oh goodness, please be careful with this person! I agree with MsGuided, if he is actively looking at personals sites, most people wouldn't do that regularly just for "fun" and because "it doesn't mean anything."

I remember my ex-boyfriend and I looking at a local personals site…but we did it together and it was because we wanted to check out/point fun at the yokels who posted on this particular local site :) (bunch of rednecks around here)

Put it this way – are YOU looking? Most likely not! Why not? Besides being codependent like me :)

If he is happy/content/secure with himself and the relationship then why go looking…for trouble.

If he is truly looking, it sounds like he might be using you as his "second best" until someone else crosses his path, with whom he thinks the grass might be greener on the other side. (I was my ex's second best, but he came crawling back after doing some dating/communicating with other women, saying that there was no one out there who came even close to what he is looking for.)

If this is the case, I hope that happens to you too, make him eat crow!! except don't follow my way, stupidly I got back together with him; we are pulling farther and farther apart though now.

I hope you are able to make the best decision for yourself and that it doesn't end up causing you a lot of pain either way. Love, Lisa

2:49 am
December 6, 2007


r0knae

New Member

posts -1

true. thank you..


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