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Those who avoid responsibility for their actions...
March 7, 2010
4:54 pm
Mugsie
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Does anyone know why or have any insight to why others avoid responsibility for their actions?
I was in a somewhat "on again-off again" relationship with a woman for just a few months, and I decided to break it off completely because she slept with someone else then had the gall to call me a few days later wanting to see me, missed me, and would like to spend some time together, again. When I asked her about her debauchery, she told me she did not have to answer that question so I told her, in a calm and respectful tone, we need to part ways for good. Well, yesterday the blame game started...."it is your fault that I got so sick and had 2 asthma attacks and needed medical care because of the stress and pain you caused"..."I have only hatred for you"...and on and on and on. All day Saturday these texts were coming and I did not respond to any of them or the phone calls wither. Keep in mind, we dated for maybe 2-3 months but I my gut told me to get out earlier....
Any help or input is appreciated.

Mugsie

March 7, 2010
5:28 pm
CraigCo
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Sounds like a lot of 'red flags' with this x of yours. Given that, I'd say you did the right thing by disengaging with her.

March 7, 2010
8:47 pm
velmadackin
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ditto

March 7, 2010
8:51 pm
through_the_fire
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If they don't take responsibility, they don't have to change. If they don't have to change, they get to do whatever they want. It's pretty simple.

Block her calls and texts.

Fire

March 7, 2010
10:47 pm
Mugsie
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Fire,

Thank you.

March 7, 2010
11:24 pm
andii
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I think people avoid responsibility for their actions because nobody ever held them accountable. Once people reach adulthood, it's impossible to so. consequently the best response is no response at all and "goodbye." sounds cold, but the blame game is utterly exhausting and a no-win.

andii

March 8, 2010
1:24 am
Mugsie
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I guess this mentality is not something I know. Fortunately, there were no calls or texts today and I am hopeful the nonsense has stopped and she finds the help she needs, doubtful that she will but I am still hopeful she does because she has a young daughter that lives with her and I'd hate to see this rub off on her.

Honestly andii, I said goodbye on Friday, was told to leave her alone, which I complied with and the nonsense started Saturday morning. Part of me believes she is angry because I called her out on her games and walked away.

March 8, 2010
6:13 am
CAMER
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seems like others want to "blame" other people for there actions, then they don't have to take responsibilty.....also being coda, I know I take on the guilt, the enabling, all that crap, so the other person doesn't have to feel responsible....which doesn't help at all.

Best thing, let them take on there own life, their own responsibilites and they have no choice.

And Mugsie, stick with NO contact, that seems to work the best.

March 8, 2010
10:47 pm
bblue
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throught the fire
I have cut out your comment - I lived with a spouse that fits that perfectly.

Thanks

BBlue
March 9, 2010
10:05 am
Lanigirl
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BBlue,

I was thinking the same thing - Through hit the nail on the head.

When I talk to my spouse about his behavior, there's this storm of it's not my fault and a barrage of questions. It's a way not to focus or accept his behavior.

I have to sound like a broken record and just repeat what I need. It gets to me.

March 9, 2010
10:28 am
atalose
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Mugsie,

You’ve make a very healthy decision to get this person out of your life. Lots of good responses too, as to why people shed responsibility for their own actions.

If they admit something is wrong then they would have to do something about it (change).

And they have not been held accountable for their actions and when forced to, they just get NEW PEOPLE. (I am going through this with my niece. When confronted on her behavior, she flees to new people whom she can manipulate and con for a while)

Keep ignoring her calls and texts, if you give emotionally unstable people an inch they will take a mile. (going thru this with a neighbor, mistakenly my BF waved at her, now his phone is once again filled with texts and voice mails).

Atalose ~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~
March 9, 2010
10:32 am
through_the_fire
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This is why I really love my husband MM. He can admit when he's screwed up. He'll have insights on himself, self-deprecating humor. That is incredibly invaluable and has helped me to put responsibility where it belongs.

I can see now that not every person has this block of never taking responsibility and placing blame elsewhere. There ARE people who at least work toward having integrity in their relationships with others. They admit to their imperfections, because they want to be better for you, and for others they love.

Fire

March 9, 2010
7:02 pm
Mugsie
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Fire,

I have encountered people who admit their imperfections, talk about changing and accepting responsibility but never attempting to do so.
Here is something I read a while back:
"If you do not listen to someone's actions as clearly as you listen to their words, you are only lying to yourself about this person."

Thank you everyone for your valuable input.

In the words of a relative who has a PhD in Psych and commented on my situation after reading some of the messages I received....."absolutely f-ing crazy."

March 9, 2010
7:28 pm
Worried_Dad
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Mugsie,

Ya done gone and dodged a bullet.

Her anger towards you is a defense mechanism.

By vilifying you and nursing her anger she can avoid facing her own misbehavior and avoid the pain of conscience.

I'm guessing you are basically dealing with a woman who is, at the very least, emotionally immature.

March 9, 2010
8:22 pm
haythere
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throughthefire put a word out there I really liked, "integrity" . Those who don't take responsibility or just talk about it, but never do anything about it, lack integrity.

People respond in a positive way to integrity, whether it is in personal relationships or business.
Its a reflection of a healthy self and good values.

Mugsie, your gut was right before she cheated on you, not a spot of integrity.
Good for you to recognize it and walk away.

March 9, 2010
8:57 pm
through_the_fire
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Well, I guess I had to make it clear... and all of you did. My husband doesn't just admit or take resposnibility, he turns it into action.

And you are absolutely right. That's another tricky thing that people can do. Admit all over the place, with no intention of changing a thing.

Fire

March 13, 2010
6:28 pm
Mugsie
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Ex decided to send a text on Thursday claiming that some things she wanted to return to me, via her father dropping them off at my house, were not delivered as she had asked. I had already known this because it was supposed to happen last week but it never did and I never thought twice about it. I replied, the first time in almost a week with, "Could you delete my number now please?" That did not go over well as she attacked me, calling me hateful and selfish and wishing she had never met me. I replied, out of the fact that I am not any of those things she accuses me of with, "I do not hate but only believe it is best to go our separate ways and I wish you the best." Again she attacked me, blamed me and said she would delete my number and that I should delete hers too because I am wasting her time.
Who believes she did delete my number and will this nonsense be over? I deleted her number last weekend but knew it was her by the message.
Thank you.

March 13, 2010
6:48 pm
CAMER
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yay Mugsie, you said your last words.....and now to move forward. Hopefully the ex will take the hint.
Seems like you are doing all the right things. :)

March 16, 2010
1:24 am
bblue
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Good Luck Mugsie
Move on...

BBlue
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